Sneezing With A Mask

The reasoning behind saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes is that it was believed your heart stopped briefly during the sneeze. I remember the first time I sneezed going 70 on the parkway. I was sure I was either going to kill someone for closing my eyes during the sneeze or have a heart attack thinking about having to sneeze. Either way, same result. It’s not like I could hold it? Someone told me once that could give you an aneurysm and I took that as gospel. So sneezing has always been a motherfucker.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier. What the heck am I supposed to do when I need to sneeze while wearing a mask. You know a mask, the thing I wear to do my part in helping to slow down this deadly disease that’s swallowing the globe? That + your body’s natural convulsion method of dispelling everything disgusting in your body. How do I do that? 

The other day I was in a liquor store, a place you would think free of judgement and ridicule. Wrong. I felt the sneeze coming on and I immediately knew it was going to be a big one. You know in those Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes movies when times stops and he goes through every scenario in his head of how his next actions will go? I had one of those, it was transcendent. 

I thought of making a run for it. Could I make it outside to sneeze before it came out? Risky. I always run the gamble of opening the door to sneeze and blasting someone in the face. Plus I’d look like a lunatic if I sprinted outside, have everyone hear me half scream and then walk right back in like nothing happened. Next.

I pictured myself taking the mask off to sneeze into my hand like the olden ways. Couldn’t do it. Makes me too easy of a target to go viral for all the wrong reasons. The mask is there specifically for this reason, bonehead. Someone could walk up to me and call me a super spreader or worse, accuse me of putting their loved ones in danger. While easily the least messy option for me, it was clearly the wrong one. 

That left me with one option. Sneeze right into my mask. Gross. I could tell this sneeze was going to pack a punch. Do I cover my mouth? I could look ridiculous because that’s the mask’s job. But my goodness what if visible spray came through the mask? I’d have to move out of town. I’ll cover my mouth/mask and if anyone questions it I’ll just say I was being double careful. Like the hero I am. This is the right choice. 

“ACHOO!”

Not a single fucking “bless you”. Everyone just looked at me like I was the walking embodiment of the plague. It was a sneeze guys, people still need to sneeze. Nothings wrong with me. I could feel things in my mask, it wasn’t pretty. I sanitized before I went to check out. The cashier girl looked at me the whole time like I had just shit in my diaper. Do you think I want to be in this situation? Ring me up please so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Just because social norms have gone out the window  I don’t think manners should. If you’re in a public place and somebody sneezes please say “bless you” so that person doesn’t think everyone in the room hates them. Remember they’re the hero here. They’re the ones now wearing a booger hammock for the sake of humanity.