I’m Better Than The Guys That Work At My Gym

I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in I’m not even going to say how long. I’m still in that complex mode where I look at everyone and think “ha that person probably didn’t work out today”. All because I went to the gym literally once. The main reason to go to the gym is to think you’re better than everyone, second is being healthy. 

If possible I would like a before and after hire picture of everyone who works at my gym. Was their skin always so orange? Were their eyebrows always pulled so painfully high up to the top of their foreheads? Did they always have spiky yet balding hair? Do you need to look like Roger from Jersey Shore to work here or does it happen organically more and more after each punch of the clock? 

You know how in rom-coms they play that game at airports where they pick out a person and make a backstory for where they’re going and why? I do something similar at the gym. But instead of airline passengers it’s what do the people who work at my gym look like at a bar on the weekend. Normally goes something like this. Their Ed Hardy shirt might be cutting off circulation, and their white washed jeans have a curiously placed large hole that’s dangerously close to revealing their penis. There is so much sweat on their face but none in their hair which hasn’t moved a centimeter. The girls with them are losing confidence in being able to keep up their fake laughs at all the horrible jokes they’re telling too loudly. The bartender doesn’t even fake laugh at them hitting on her. She can smell them coming before she hears them order. All of them are wearing rosary beads. Or something like that. 

Then I like to think about what they think about me. They see me with my clothes too tight not by choice, struggling by minute fifteen on the elliptical, and think man thank God I’m not that guy. Fools! You have it backwards! People look at you acting like a 16 year old when you’re 37 and think that about you! Plus I’m back on my grind. It’s easier to lose fat than it is to lose douchebag. 

A psychiatrist might tell you that I’m so insecure around all these healthy people at the gym that I feel the need to put others down to feel better about myself. None of that’s true though, I’m actually just better than them.