Onlyfans is awesome. Whatever. No other way to put it. Can you imagine going back in time and explaining this concept to a teenage boy in the 70s. Yeah in 50 years there’s going to be a machine in your pocket where you can see naked pictures of celebrities whenever you want. Sometimes, random hot girls in your town will be on it too. If you’re lucky, some random not-so-hot girls from your high school class will be on it too, which is equally entertaining. Sounds harmless, it’s not.
My little suburban town was lucky enough to get one of those random not so hot girls on onlyfans. Which might sound harsh, but she wasn’t a very nice person so calling her “not so hot” is the least I can do. I don’t find find her attractive at all.
Moving on. I’m not sure which pioneer found her account but it spread through the town like wild fire. Good for her, make that money girl. It started out simple enough. Sending your buddy her nudes in the middle of the night just for fun. Having a laugh at feet pics that looked like cross crossed talons. Good ol’ fashioned nudie fun. Then it happened.
She fucked some kid from our town up the ass with a monster strap-on.
I could not believe it. I still can’t. Look, I’m a sex positive guy, you like what you like. Have at it.That being said, you have to have the foresight not to put what you’re into on the internet for a measly $6 a month. You can’t do that and not expect your life to change.
The video itself is... uneasy. Everyone in the video looks uncomfortable and so is everyone who’s watched it. The strap-on used is an absolute WRENCH. She is not shy one bit, just blows his back right out. I have to imagine this isn’t his first time taking one because there’s no way you agree to do your first ever time on video. With that in mind, that thing still did not go in easy. At all.
The video is mostly pumping with the reciever sucking through gritted teeth. But at 2:32, the madame in the production pulls out a paddle. At first it’s hesitant and jerky slaps to the back. Then something comes over her and WHACK right in the fucking head as hard as she can. You can see in her face that she knows she went overboard the second she did it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I might’ve watched it 20 times. It ends as abruptly and awkwardly as it started.
This kid can’t go anywhere without someone suggesting that just maybe he should take everything in the room and shove it up his ass. Can’t hide either. A few weeks ago he went to Facebook to voice his displeasure with the Eagles’ performance against the Seahawks. The first comment, “Yeah the Eagles really took it up the ass this week”. And you know what? Couldn’t have happened to a better person.
This was the kid in high school who would remind the teacher that she didn’t check the homework knowing damn well that 75% of the class didn’t do it. He was the grown up version of Randall from Recess. As we got older he became a volunteer fireman which in his eyes made him the most morally superior person in the room. He was the kind of volunteer who would wear his radio to the bar even when he was off duty. He’d yell at you for smoking a cigarette right outside the bar. Then he’d run his mouth to people who had 100 pounds on him. That’s how he was known. Now he’s just known as the kid who took a hog up the ass.
Normally I like to end my blogs on a happy note. A glimmer of hope for my subject. This is a tough one. I wish him the best, I really do. I’d never make fun of him for it. Not to his face I mean, I’m not a monster. However I can’t say the same for my townsfolk. Only thing I got is hopefully his royalty checks make it worth it. But I doubt it.
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