Secret Celebrity DMV

Bruce Springsteen got arrested in Sandy Hook, NJ and a lot of people are confused by it. Rightfully so. He was given a DWI despite an 0.02 BAC, which is 3x lower than the legal limit. This happened ten minutes up the road from me so I’ll try and explain. Real quick: Bruce refused the alcotest which in the state of NJ is an automatic DWI, Bruce has a complicated past with police relations, but none of that matters because Sandy Hook doesn’t have their own police, they’re patrolled by National Park Service which is different than normal municipal cops. If it was Highlands or Seabright police it’d be somewhat different. 

ANYWAY, none of this really matters for the sake of this blog. The only relevant piece of information from the Bruce case is how it made my brain snowball. I too thought, how could you ask for this man’s license and registration, read “SPRINGSTEEN BRUCE” on the DL and think “yeah I’m gunna throw the book at this guy”. Which got me thinking, Bruce Springsteen has a driver’s license. How?

There is just no way celebrities use the same DMV as the rest of us. But they all have to have DLs. Forget Bruce Springsteen, imagine Kanye West went to the same DMV as you and I? He’d be swarmed, there’d be mass hysteria, mobs of people trying to get selfies when the only picture he’s trying to take goes on a $12 piece of plastic. Picture the miserable soul behind their all high and mighty desk telling Kanye that he doesn’t have enough points of ID despite bringing his birth certificate, old license, and social security card. There’s just no way.

There has to be super secret celebrity DMVs for A-listers to renew their licenses and register their many cars. Probably more of a swanky lounge than an office building with flickering lights that smells like old coffee. Where there’s no traditional lines, but rather you wait with cocktails and talk about insider trading and your most recent orgy. And all the employees smile and moonlight as Instagram models. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Regular poor people DMV really isn’t all that bad, despite it’s Yelp reviews. It’s just low hanging fruit. Even Zootopia eviscerated them when they had that animal DMV where all the workers were sloths. Brutal. It’s just a place everyone has to go to to do something that nobody feels like doing. It’s more likely that you’re the one in a bad mood rather than every single employee that works there.

Still, the goal is to get out. That’s now my bar for when I know “I’ve made it”. When I get tapped to do my renewals while drinking champagne and bullshitting with Bruce Springsteen.