Paul McBeth Signs 10 yr, 10 mil Contract For Disc Golf

Well I’ll start with this, good for him. Seriously, it’s an awesome feat to get paid that much money for doing anything. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy either. Watched his contract announcement video and Paul touched on how he and his family used to live in a Motel 6. His story is a heartfelt against the odds one. Congratulations to the McBeast, an underdog living out the American Dream. 

That being said, 10 mil...for throwing...a frisbee. Spot the lie. A frisbee! Paul McBeth is now the face of Disc Golf. I think? As impressive as his 5 world championships probably are, I hope he’s aware that “the face of” a sport has more responsibilities than winning.  

I watched Paul’s thirteen minute “Make Moves” contract announcement video. It wasn’t exactly an E60 production. The 10 million dollar man has the charisma of a wet sock. In the clips of the tens of people watching him on the course I saw zero passion. These fans are watching Paul like he’s Tiger on Sunday. No fist pump, no finger guns, no Hulk Hogan ear cupping, no nothing. 

It’s not all negative though. I did watch a thirteen minute clip on him which is more attention than I’ve ever given Disc Golf. So spreading the sport so far. Plus I really reeeally liked that he showed up to the disc making warehouse in his hat and golf polo tucked into his pants. His Disc Golf uniform essentially. I love that, always be ready to play. Just in case someone anyone decides to step to him in a warehouse even, slice their fucking head off with a disc if it comes to it.

I think I’ve solved McBeast’s bravado problem. He’s too good of a guy. And what do good guys need? A villain. I want to become the “bad boy” of Disc Golf. And I’ll do it for half of what you’re giving Paul. I haven’t thrown a frisbee in probably ten years but how bad could I be? I’ll show up to the tournaments hungover- frisbee in one hand, cig in the other. I’ll wear obnoxious sunglasses. I’ll blow kisses to their girlfriends as I do my no look trickshots. I’d be an icon. All the while, America’s frisbee sweetheart (Paul), could teach me a lesson by discing circles around me. Everybody wins. 

I joke, but the jokes on me. I don’t have 10 million coming my way for doing something I love doing. I probably won’t even sniff 10 mil in my lifetime. The “Make Moves” video’s first six minutes was about baseball. While I thought it didn’t really make any sense spending half your video promoting your love for another sport, I eventually figured out what they were poorly trying to get at. Paul McBeth didn’t make his HS baseball team and it crushed him. But that year he started playing Disc Golf to fill that void and look at him now. So the true message here is find what you’re good at and dominate the shit out of it. 

Scottish Woman Bites Off Man’s Tongue Which Gets Eaten By A Seagull

There was no cheeky way to do that title. Some things just need to be straight to the point. You might be wondering if this was some kind of passion fueled domestic between a troubled couple. Wrong. Two strangers walking past each other in the street who started an argument. Scottish people do not play. 

I can’t find what the two were arguing about but I know what followed. The female, started walking away but apparently tongue boy wasn’t quite finished with her and decided to follow her with a “clenched fist”. The woman decides to kiss him and in the midst of their intamcy, snatched his tongue. 

The kiss is easily my favorite part. This is not this woman’s first tongue, it’s too savvy a move. How stupid are us men that she knew she could thwart his assault just by offering a little smooch. She bit off 2 by 3 centimeters! I’m no mathematician but I’m pretty sure that’s his whole tongue. How did she get that much? Cause his whole fucking tongue was down her throat, that’s how. This guy went from I’m going to try and knockout this female I’ve never seen before to, “oh shit I’m about to get laid!” to, BOOM best case scenario I talk like Mike Tyson for the rest of my life. Worst case, Ilyn Payne. 

I haven’t even gotten to the seagull yet. Actually, what’s there to say? The seagull took the guys tongue and ruined any chance at surgically replacing it. Fuckin oppurtunist seagull, not really much to add to that. I will say this though, I haven’t completely ruled out that this woman didn’t summon that seagull to finish the job. 

Just don’t fuck with Scottish people. I have a bit of expertise in this area. My mother was born in Scotland and I’m terrified of her. The Scottish only have two gears, maim like violence or Lewis Capaldi. There’s no in between. So if you come across one in the wild and don’t have any idea what they’re saying just smile and nod. Don’t and your tongue might end up as a baby seagull love seat in a nest somewhere. 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/crime/edinburgh-woman-bit-off-mans-tongue-in-street-brawl-before-seagull-swooped-down-and-ate-it-3141625%3famp

Cam Newton Take From Not A Patriots Fan

Jseth Owens, the kid who torched Cam Newton at his own camp, was dragged through Twitter yesterday. Jseth recieved criticizing Tweets from the likes of Isiah Thomas, Leonard Fournette, Jason Whitlock, and more. 6’10”, 270 lbs Kendrick Perkins basically threatened to fight him on a public forum. This kids a junior in high school, 17 at best. And you know what? It was fuckin funny. 

The fact that this kid who has never played a single snap of college ball told a former NFL MVP that he’s ass is pure observational comedy. Does nobody remember being 17 anymore? Shock value jokes is all the rage at that age. Remember that one kid in the class that would roast the teacher to the point that you were scared to laugh? This is like that on steroids. This kid is quite obviously the class comedian, and this was probably his only chance to ever clown a former MVP. So he took it. 

Was it disrespectful? Probably. But that’s what we’re doing now? Getting mad at 17 year olds for being ....17? My favorite is the “I would’ve beat the shit out of this kid” crowd. Um sick tough guy? We get it, you were the model of morality in high school and you can beat up upperclasmen now. Jseth was clearly trying to be funny. It didn’t land for most people and I understand that, but I’ll always defend the right to try and make a joke. 

Cam handled it wrong I don’t care what anyone says. People are praising him for not blasting this kid in the face? I have also never fought a child where’s my parade? I’m not saying I would’ve handled it any better than Cam, I probably wouldn’t have. I’m just saying he could’ve handled it better. I’ve been on the wrong side of a proper roast more times than I can remember. The only way to win a roast off is to one-up the last insult. Cam wasn’t ready, had nothing in the chamber. At that point he should’ve A) pulled the kid aside one on one and asked him why he’s acting like that or B) said if you want to act like that you’ll be asked to leave my camp. It’s over then, you’ve shown you’re the grown up. But no, you already lost when you start bragging “I’m rich” to a HS junior. Now you get hit with a “you about to be poor” and you’re down 0-2. But it’s easy to be a Monday morning camp Quarterback. 

I just wish Jseth didn’t apologize today. I get it, and it was the right move, but how funny would it have been if he addressed the “you could’ve learned something from Cam and his valuable time” crowd by saying “Why would I want to learn anything from Cam? He’s ass”. Twitter would’ve exploded. God, a double down would’ve made this kid such a legend. 

I get dragged by kids even younger than Jseth constantly on Fortnite. They told me I was ass daily and I won’t even mention the things they said they did to my poor mother. So I switched to Call of Duty, a game I’ve been playing since I was their age so I could dominate them. Cause fuck them kids. So if Cam feels so disrespected for being called ass, maybe stop being so ass? Cause 8 throwing touchdowns to 10 interceptions on a full season is 100% ass. 

Prince Harry Update From An American Royals Expert

By Royals expert I mean me. By expert, I mean that I’ve watched every episode of The Crown. Prince Harry and Megan Markle landed themselves as a top Twitter trend for the day. The newlyweds have decided to continue with their separation from the crown following their year hiatus as “working members” of the Windsor Royalty. What does that mean? I have no idea, but it’d make for a great episode of The Crown.

What I do know is that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are no longer receiving funds from the Sovereign Grant. Basically the Queen said “if you guys want to do your own thing you can pay for your own shit”. Oh no, how can Harry and Megan ever survive without the lavish lifestyle they’ve grown accustomed to? Oh that’s right, the trust that Princess Diana left Harry, plus his inheritance from the Queen Mother totaling around $40 million. Not to mention the couples mega deal that they signed with Netflix which is very very suspect.

You might think that if a company made a show detailing your late mother’s struggle with bulimia in graphic detail that you’d reconsider doing business with them. The same show that depicts your Dad as a whiny adulterer who couldn’t handle your mother’s new found fame. What would be your price for doing business with those people? For Harry it’s apparently somewhere around 100 million. UNLESS there was more to it than that. 

I have a theory. In the show, there’s an episode where Prince Phillip, the Queen’s husband, decides to make a documentary on the family to try and overturn their dwindling popularity amongst the public. Since the public was starting to believe that just maybe they shouldn’t have as much funding as they’ve been receiving. The documentary failed miserably. It didn’t have an authentic feel and nobody felt bad for the unemployed family who threw parties from their palace. 

The savior of this episode is Princess Alice, Phillip’s mother. After hiding her from the documentary cameras, Princess Alice goes rogue and does an unfiltered interview for the newspaper. Alice is a cigarette smoking nun that was born congenitally deaf, diagnossed schizophrenic that received electric shock therapy, sheltered Jewish refugees during World War II, who lived out her remaining years in poverty in a military-run Greece. Alice’s candor gave the people what they wanted, to know that Royals are real people with real problems. 

The Winsdor’s learned a valuable lesson that day, genuine authentic drama sells.

The official statement from Buckingham Palace is disapproval of The Crown. I don’t buy that for a second. My theory is that Netflix and the Windsors are in cahoots and I think Harry’s deal proves it. The Crown is accomplishing what Phillip’s first documentary failed to do. Humanize the Royals. Make you feel sympathy for the family worth $88 billion who essentially do nothing. Staying relevant is their best way to stay in power. How relevant does Netflix’s show make the Windsors? This new season broke the record for one week streaming with viewers  streaming 3.36 BILLION minutes from November 16th- 20th.

For the record I understand they do great charity work which is to be applauded. And I don’t want this blog to be misconstrued as saying that all the tragedy that’s befallen this family was for the sake of TV drama. I’m simply pointing out that this family of Kings, Queens, Princes and Princesses have virtually no say or responsibility in the country that they rule over- and get paid handsomely for their nothingness. I can’t knock the hustle, that’s fuckin awesome.

So what is Harry up to? He’s making headlines and keeping the family relevant. Harry’s doing his job.

I’m Better Than The Guys That Work At My Gym

I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in I’m not even going to say how long. I’m still in that complex mode where I look at everyone and think “ha that person probably didn’t work out today”. All because I went to the gym literally once. The main reason to go to the gym is to think you’re better than everyone, second is being healthy. 

If possible I would like a before and after hire picture of everyone who works at my gym. Was their skin always so orange? Were their eyebrows always pulled so painfully high up to the top of their foreheads? Did they always have spiky yet balding hair? Do you need to look like Roger from Jersey Shore to work here or does it happen organically more and more after each punch of the clock? 

You know how in rom-coms they play that game at airports where they pick out a person and make a backstory for where they’re going and why? I do something similar at the gym. But instead of airline passengers it’s what do the people who work at my gym look like at a bar on the weekend. Normally goes something like this. Their Ed Hardy shirt might be cutting off circulation, and their white washed jeans have a curiously placed large hole that’s dangerously close to revealing their penis. There is so much sweat on their face but none in their hair which hasn’t moved a centimeter. The girls with them are losing confidence in being able to keep up their fake laughs at all the horrible jokes they’re telling too loudly. The bartender doesn’t even fake laugh at them hitting on her. She can smell them coming before she hears them order. All of them are wearing rosary beads. Or something like that. 

Then I like to think about what they think about me. They see me with my clothes too tight not by choice, struggling by minute fifteen on the elliptical, and think man thank God I’m not that guy. Fools! You have it backwards! People look at you acting like a 16 year old when you’re 37 and think that about you! Plus I’m back on my grind. It’s easier to lose fat than it is to lose douchebag. 

A psychiatrist might tell you that I’m so insecure around all these healthy people at the gym that I feel the need to put others down to feel better about myself. None of that’s true though, I’m actually just better than them. 

Unapproachable

It’s a lame proclamation to say that I want to keep social distancing around forever because I don’t like people. That line is going to be worn the fuck out when comedians get back on stage. It’s pandering. I hate myself for even writing it. But it’s true. 

I have a weird relationship with shopping. I’m horrified to go to stores on the off chance that I run into someone I know, but at the same time I don’t like online shopping. I know that’s like a sin, but shutup about your online shopping addiction no one thinks you’re relatable. Or cares. I like to mosey around stores and waste my money on things that is completely unrelated to my original target purchase. My perfect shopping scenario is one in one out, whole store to myself.

After death, running into someone you haven’t seen in awhile at a store is the worst thing that can happen to you. I’ll run, I’ll hide, I’ll go down aisles I have no business being in, or read the back labels of things that have nothing to do with me in the hopes that my acquaintance won’t approach me. And it’s not easy for a man of my stature to hide in public. 

People you know and don’t want to see are like weiners in a gym locker room. As much as you hope you don’t run into one, you’re going to make eye contact with it if it’s there. Make eye contact enough times with a familiar face and they will without fail come up to you with a long “Hiiiiiiii”. My last such encounter was with an old neighbor who moved off our block years ago. I drifted off somewhere around “yeah we just had to put the dog down...” and thought to myself “I wonder if I scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of this Walgreens would this lady legitimately sprint away from me”.

I made the mistake of going with my dad to Barnes and Noble once. Because my dad’s an idiot who was a cop for thirty years in a small community he introduced me to an employee who he knew from town. Not AT ALL realizing I went to grammar school with this girl for seven years. I go to Barnes and Noble at the very least once a month and will be in there for an hour at a time. Both her and I both know one another is in the store. I’ve avoided this moment since 2014. I looked this girl dead in her eyes and said “nice to meet you”. We walked away and I told my dad how I was fantasizing about dragging his head through the “H” row of the Science Fiction section. 

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve known that girl since preschool.”

“Why’d you say nice to meet you?”

“I’ve pretended she doesn’t exist for years and planned on never talking to her again in my life.”

“Somethings wrong with you.”

My parents don’t have or understand this issue. In fact, they seek out people they know in stores. Even worse, they seek out people I know in stores. “What’ve you been up to” rips off a part of my soul every time I hear it. The worst part is, and this is the part my parents don’t get, is that although I haven’t talked to this person in nine years I know every single thing that’s happened to them since - because we’re still Facebook friends. It’s uncomfortable to ask someone how they’ve been for the last decade when you already creepily know all their children’s names from all the baby pictures they post or when you’ve seen every step of their “keto journey” for the last eight months. 

I’d rather talk to a complete stranger in public than someone I might have even been friends with at one point. So if you know me or have known me and you see me out, can we please agree that the other person doesn’t exist and go on with our day. Six feet away now, six feet away forever. 

Secret Celebrity DMV

Bruce Springsteen got arrested in Sandy Hook, NJ and a lot of people are confused by it. Rightfully so. He was given a DWI despite an 0.02 BAC, which is 3x lower than the legal limit. This happened ten minutes up the road from me so I’ll try and explain. Real quick: Bruce refused the alcotest which in the state of NJ is an automatic DWI, Bruce has a complicated past with police relations, but none of that matters because Sandy Hook doesn’t have their own police, they’re patrolled by National Park Service which is different than normal municipal cops. If it was Highlands or Seabright police it’d be somewhat different. 

ANYWAY, none of this really matters for the sake of this blog. The only relevant piece of information from the Bruce case is how it made my brain snowball. I too thought, how could you ask for this man’s license and registration, read “SPRINGSTEEN BRUCE” on the DL and think “yeah I’m gunna throw the book at this guy”. Which got me thinking, Bruce Springsteen has a driver’s license. How?

There is just no way celebrities use the same DMV as the rest of us. But they all have to have DLs. Forget Bruce Springsteen, imagine Kanye West went to the same DMV as you and I? He’d be swarmed, there’d be mass hysteria, mobs of people trying to get selfies when the only picture he’s trying to take goes on a $12 piece of plastic. Picture the miserable soul behind their all high and mighty desk telling Kanye that he doesn’t have enough points of ID despite bringing his birth certificate, old license, and social security card. There’s just no way.

There has to be super secret celebrity DMVs for A-listers to renew their licenses and register their many cars. Probably more of a swanky lounge than an office building with flickering lights that smells like old coffee. Where there’s no traditional lines, but rather you wait with cocktails and talk about insider trading and your most recent orgy. And all the employees smile and moonlight as Instagram models. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Regular poor people DMV really isn’t all that bad, despite it’s Yelp reviews. It’s just low hanging fruit. Even Zootopia eviscerated them when they had that animal DMV where all the workers were sloths. Brutal. It’s just a place everyone has to go to to do something that nobody feels like doing. It’s more likely that you’re the one in a bad mood rather than every single employee that works there.

Still, the goal is to get out. That’s now my bar for when I know “I’ve made it”. When I get tapped to do my renewals while drinking champagne and bullshitting with Bruce Springsteen.

Aging With Technology

Millennials are the first to really age with the Internet. As I get older the way I see things on social media are evolving. For instance, when I used to see throwbacks of social media friends with their young parents I’d be amazed at how young everyone looked. Now when I see those long stories with throwbacks of parents I rapidly tap to the end thinking “oh fuck I hope their Dad didn’t die”. But we’re at that age now. Part of getting to this age is hating on the generation that comes after you. Which I’m about to do. 

I never thought I’d be the old man screaming at the clouds, but Gen Z’s are out of control. Tik Tok in particular. It’s not entirely their fault, but it also is 100% their fault. I had Facebook and AIM in my formative years, I get it. I’ve said and done things on there I regret, but I atleast had fear. These kids just do not give a fuck. Where are their parents?

We used to have school assemblies about being careful of what you put on the Internet because of perverts and stuff. Ok maybe they might of been about chatrooms at the time, but still the underlying message was the same. Do kids not get these pep talks anymore?

I’m not going to get into the particulars of what kids are doing on Tik Tok. If you’ve been on the app you know what I’m talking about. We’re making the aforementioned perverts jobs way too easy nowadays. Parents put the fear of God back into your children.

I know my parents did. My Mom in particular. When I was a freshman in high school I still wasn’t allowed to have a Facebook or a Myspace. But since it was my rebellious stage, I had already had one for three years. One night my little brother and I were home alone watching a movie. We were in an unused bedroom that we had put a PS2 and a couch in. My brother fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as the lights went off. I decided to cruise Facebook on the floor. My face was so glued to the monitor that I hadn’t heard my parents come home. When the bedroom door opened and my mom’s face peeked in, my heart sank to my toes. I slammed my laptop shut. Red flag obviously, my mom asked me what I was doing. I just shook my head no, I hadn’t closed out the window. After demanding over and over again that I open my laptop and show her what I was on I blurted out to my sweet sweet mother, “Porn! It was porn. I was watching porn”. The look of shock on her face will never escape me. My mom looked like I had just punched her in the jaw.

I’ll try my best to quickly transcribe what I remember after that. 

Mom: “You need to talk to your son.”

Dad: “Why?” 

Mom: “He was just watching pornography with his little brother asleep on the couch.”

Dad: “Oh.”

*Mom leaves to her room and slams the door.

Dad: “Wtf is wrong with you? Look buddy, I know you’re at that age now but...I mean...I never thought I’d have to tell you you can’t jerkoff with you’re little brother in the room.”

Me: “I was on Facebook, I couldn’t open my laptop or mom would have found out.”

Dad knowing I had a Facebook: “Jesus. You could have said literally anything else.”

Me: “It just blurted out.”

Dad: “Hahahahaha oh man, fuckin idiot. Good luck at breakfast tomorrow.”

I was so afraid of letting my mother know that my likeness was on the Internet that I resorted to letting her think I was practicing exhibitionism in front of my 12 year old brother. That’s the kind of fear that today’s parents need to bring back to these Tik Tokers. 

Maybe I’m just getting old. I remember the rush of answering the a/s/l question in chatrooms. Is doing stupid shit on the Internet in your adolescence just part of growing up now? It’s not my job to answer those kind of questions. My part to play is shitting on the new up and comers for making similar stupid decisions that we made. Stupid Tik Tokers. 

We All Need To Chill Out With Greta Thunberg

I mean, come on. Grown ass man burning her face off? How far is too far? Probably this. I don’t know the exact politics behind this but is it really necessary for India to go to war with an 18 year old? People treat her like she’s an international politician. Like she’s a prime minister or something. She’s a child with a Twitter account. 

Greta, Greta, Greta, what’re we going to do with you. Apparently Greta had a big oopsie when she accidentally Tweeted a list of “suggested posts” she was given about the Indian farmer’s revolt. This sparked a conversation about how many of Greta’s progressive ideals were her own, and how many were handed to her by people with their own agendas. Who knows? Who cares. People listen to her and if she can make a little coin off her Twitter, then good on her. Don’t hate the player. Disclaimer: I know nothing about this Indian farmer’s revolt or the impact Greta has had on it.

In my perfect world, Greta is a con artist. She was 15 when she came into the limelight. How’d she get famous you ask? Greta skipped school to raise awareness for climate control. Absolute genius. What 15 year old doesn’t want to skip school? I hope she had a big project due that she left to the last minute and said “You know what, I won’t be able to hand this in because the worlds on fire. See ya never”. Then playing hooky snowballs and now you get fire face in India. If that’s the case, Greta is probably sitting somewhere thinking she might have bit off more than she can chew.

But like I said, who knows. I’m not saying don’t take her seriously, but just chill out on the riots and the Twitter pitchforks. She’s still a kid. Greta has a clear pathway to a political future if that’s what she wants. If that’s her goal, best of luck. If that isn’t her intention and she’s being shoved into the world’s biggest problems, then get out now Greta. If you catch it quick enough we won’t have to watch your VH1 docuseries on the childhood you weren’t able to reclaim. 

Sneezing With A Mask

The reasoning behind saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes is that it was believed your heart stopped briefly during the sneeze. I remember the first time I sneezed going 70 on the parkway. I was sure I was either going to kill someone for closing my eyes during the sneeze or have a heart attack thinking about having to sneeze. Either way, same result. It’s not like I could hold it? Someone told me once that could give you an aneurysm and I took that as gospel. So sneezing has always been a motherfucker.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier. What the heck am I supposed to do when I need to sneeze while wearing a mask. You know a mask, the thing I wear to do my part in helping to slow down this deadly disease that’s swallowing the globe? That + your body’s natural convulsion method of dispelling everything disgusting in your body. How do I do that? 

The other day I was in a liquor store, a place you would think free of judgement and ridicule. Wrong. I felt the sneeze coming on and I immediately knew it was going to be a big one. You know in those Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes movies when times stops and he goes through every scenario in his head of how his next actions will go? I had one of those, it was transcendent. 

I thought of making a run for it. Could I make it outside to sneeze before it came out? Risky. I always run the gamble of opening the door to sneeze and blasting someone in the face. Plus I’d look like a lunatic if I sprinted outside, have everyone hear me half scream and then walk right back in like nothing happened. Next.

I pictured myself taking the mask off to sneeze into my hand like the olden ways. Couldn’t do it. Makes me too easy of a target to go viral for all the wrong reasons. The mask is there specifically for this reason, bonehead. Someone could walk up to me and call me a super spreader or worse, accuse me of putting their loved ones in danger. While easily the least messy option for me, it was clearly the wrong one. 

That left me with one option. Sneeze right into my mask. Gross. I could tell this sneeze was going to pack a punch. Do I cover my mouth? I could look ridiculous because that’s the mask’s job. But my goodness what if visible spray came through the mask? I’d have to move out of town. I’ll cover my mouth/mask and if anyone questions it I’ll just say I was being double careful. Like the hero I am. This is the right choice. 

“ACHOO!”

Not a single fucking “bless you”. Everyone just looked at me like I was the walking embodiment of the plague. It was a sneeze guys, people still need to sneeze. Nothings wrong with me. I could feel things in my mask, it wasn’t pretty. I sanitized before I went to check out. The cashier girl looked at me the whole time like I had just shit in my diaper. Do you think I want to be in this situation? Ring me up please so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Just because social norms have gone out the window  I don’t think manners should. If you’re in a public place and somebody sneezes please say “bless you” so that person doesn’t think everyone in the room hates them. Remember they’re the hero here. They’re the ones now wearing a booger hammock for the sake of humanity. 

Stocks Show People’s True Colors

It’s been quite a week. I downloaded Robinhood and watched one single seven minute youtube video on investing in the stock market and convinced myself I was about to be a millionaire. I had already mentally spent my money. GameStop, Nokia, and AMC have all dropped considerably. What now? My favorite part, the blame game. Who can we be mad at for not making money?

Let’s start with Big Trader. Criminals. A lot of smarter people than me have explained what they did already so there’s really nothing my dumbass can add to make you understand it. From what I gather rich people rage quit the stock market and flipped the board cause they were losing. Completely stopped trade which no one thinks they can actually do but they just did it anyway. Honestly, kind of whatever with them. We all knew they were crooks and now it’s just out in the open. Let’s move on. 

Steve Coward Cohen. This one felt good. This slimeball bailed out his box suite buddies and spat in the face of us who sit in the bleachers. The speed in which Mets fans went from “Its so refreshing to engage with an owner who understands the fan base” to “what do I care if my owner deleted his Twitter” was astonishing. Uncle Steve was praised for his social media prescence, Mets fans wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. The first, ABSOLUTE FIRST sign of adversity, what does he do? Tucks his tale and runs. This is the guy you want running your franchise? Is this your king? It’s the internet Stevie, she’s a cruel mistress and she doesn’t let you choose how you’re perceived. Ride the highs and roll with the lows, wimp. 

While the aforementioned conspirators are obviously dickheads, no one has shown their true colors more than my college roommate. In college I was a criminal justice major who drank too much, my roommates were engineering majors who studied too much. We were both practicing for our futures. Well my one roommate, we’ll call him Tony, made 280k over this GameStop fiasco. While that might not be a lot of money to everyone, 280k overnight for a 27 year old in my neck of the woods is a fortune. Tony, the man I saw wear the same red sweatsuit with holes in it for four days in a row. The same Tony who dropped out of his pre-med program because he was smoking way too much weed. That guy, 280k. He had no problem giving me the heads up that he had eaten my last pepperoni Hot Pocket in the freezer five years ago. But when it came to him making a potential million dollars? Not.a.fucking.peep! We talk almost everyday in my college group chat. Would a “hey guys I’m looking to make moves in the stock market” have killed him? Apparently. This omission will be reflected heavily in his upcoming wedding gift/card. 
To all the haters out there saying “oh you shouldn’t be trading in the stock market you don’t know what you’re doing” or “what do you care you only put $67 into your Robinhood account”, to that I say fuck you. This is a matter of American principles.

Sneezing With A Mask

The reasoning behind saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes is that it was believed your heart stopped briefly during the sneeze. I remember the first time I sneezed going 70 on the parkway. I was sure I was either going to kill someone for closing my eyes during the sneeze or have a heart attack thinking about having to sneeze. Either way, same result. It’s not like I could hold it? Someone told me once that could give you an aneurysm and I took that as gospel. So sneezing has always been a motherfucker.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier. What the heck am I supposed to do when I need to sneeze while wearing a mask. You know a mask, the thing I wear to do my part in helping to slow down this deadly disease that’s swallowing the globe? That + your body’s natural convulsion method of dispelling everything disgusting in your body. How do I do that? 

The other day I was in a liquor store, a place you would think free of judgement and ridicule. Wrong. I felt the sneeze coming on and I immediately knew it was going to be a big one. You know in those Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes movies when times stops and he goes through every scenario in his head of how his next actions will go? I had one of those, it was transcendent. 

I thought of making a run for it. Could I make it outside to sneeze before it came out? Risky. I always run the gamble of opening the door to sneeze and blasting someone in the face. Plus I’d look like a lunatic if I sprinted outside, have everyone hear me half scream and then walk right back in like nothing happened. Next.

I pictured myself taking the mask off to sneeze into my hand like the olden ways. Couldn’t do it. Makes me too easy of a target to go viral for all the wrong reasons. The mask is there specifically for this reason, bonehead. Someone could walk up to me and call me a super spreader or worse, accuse me of putting their loved ones in danger. While easily the least messy option for me, it was clearly the wrong one. 

That left me with one option. Sneeze right into my mask. Gross. I could tell this sneeze was going to pack a punch. Do I cover my mouth? I could look ridiculous because that’s the mask’s job. But my goodness what if visible spray came through the mask? I’d have to move out of town. I’ll cover my mouth/mask and if anyone questions it I’ll just say I was being double careful. Like the hero I am. This is the right choice. 

“ACHOO!”

Not a single fucking “bless you”. Everyone just looked at me like I was the walking embodiment of the plague. It was a sneeze guys, people still need to sneeze. Nothings wrong with me. I could feel things in my mask, it wasn’t pretty. I sanitized before I went to check out. The cashier girl looked at me the whole time like I had just shit in my diaper. Do you think I want to be in this situation? Ring me up please so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Just because social norms have gone out the window  I don’t think manners should. If you’re in a public place and somebody sneezes please say “bless you” so that person doesn’t think everyone in the room hates them. Remember they’re the hero here. They’re the ones now wearing a booger hammock for the sake of humanity. 

Onlyfans Ruined This Kid’s Life

Onlyfans is awesome. Whatever. No other way to put it. Can you imagine going back in time and explaining this concept to a teenage boy in the 70s. Yeah in 50 years there’s going to be a machine in your pocket where you can see naked pictures of celebrities whenever you want. Sometimes, random hot girls in your town will be on it too. If you’re lucky, some random not-so-hot girls from your high school class will be on it too, which is equally entertaining. Sounds harmless, it’s not. 

My little suburban town was lucky enough to get one of those random not so hot girls on onlyfans. Which might sound harsh, but she wasn’t a very nice person so calling her “not so hot” is the least I can do. I don’t find find her attractive at all.  

Moving on. I’m not sure which pioneer found her account but it spread through the town like wild fire. Good for her, make that money girl. It started out simple enough. Sending your buddy her nudes in the middle of the night just for fun. Having a laugh at feet pics that looked like cross crossed talons. Good ol’ fashioned nudie fun. Then it happened. 

She fucked some kid from our town up the ass with a monster strap-on. 

I could not believe it. I still can’t. Look, I’m a sex positive guy, you like what you like. Have at it.That being said, you have to have the foresight not to put what you’re into on the internet for a measly $6 a month. You can’t do that and not expect your life to change. 

The video itself is... uneasy. Everyone in the video looks uncomfortable and so is everyone who’s watched it. The strap-on used is an absolute WRENCH. She is not shy one bit, just blows his back right out. I have to imagine this isn’t his first time taking one because there’s no way you agree to do your first ever time on video. With that in mind, that thing still did not go in easy. At all. 

The video is mostly pumping with the reciever sucking through gritted teeth. But at 2:32, the madame in the production pulls out a paddle. At first it’s hesitant and jerky slaps to the back. Then something comes over her and WHACK right in the fucking head as hard as she can. You can see in her face that she knows she went overboard the second she did it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I might’ve watched it 20 times. It ends as abruptly and awkwardly as it started.

This kid can’t go anywhere without someone suggesting that just maybe he should take everything in the room and shove it up his ass. Can’t hide either. A few weeks ago he went to Facebook to voice his displeasure with the Eagles’ performance against the Seahawks. The first comment, “Yeah the Eagles really took it up the ass this week”. And you know what? Couldn’t have happened to a better person. 

This was the kid in high school who would remind the teacher that she didn’t check the homework knowing damn well that 75% of the class didn’t do it. He was the grown up version of Randall from Recess. As we got older he became a volunteer fireman which in his eyes made him the most morally superior person in the room. He was the kind of volunteer who would wear his radio to the bar even when he was off duty. He’d yell at you for smoking a cigarette right outside the bar. Then he’d run his mouth to people who had 100 pounds on him. That’s how he was known. Now he’s just known as the kid who took a hog up the ass. 

Normally I like to end my blogs on a happy note. A glimmer of hope for my subject. This is a tough one. I wish him the best, I really do. I’d never make fun of him for it. Not to his face I mean, I’m not a monster. However I can’t say the same for my townsfolk. Only thing I got is hopefully his royalty checks make it worth it. But I doubt it. 

Why Do Old People Hate Aliens?

Old people do dumb and annoying things all the time without realizing it. Like answering a groupchat to be polite even though the sender clearly put “Do not respond to this text”. But the dumbest and most frustrating is their disdain for anything alien. My test subject for this opinion is my mom. So, sorry old people but you are all now subject to her opinion. She speaks for all of you. 

When the news dropped that a well respected Israeli space security guard confirmed the existence of aliens and a Galactic Federation it wasn’t a surprise for many of us. The smart ones anyway. When the NY Post picked up the story it was all the ammo us chosen few needed to shove it directly in the face of non-believers. Namely, old people. Which is exactly what I did to my mom. 

When I first told her she laughed and said “Come on you’re old enough now to know aliens don’t exist.” Ok, so maybe I ran with the Santa Claus thing for longer than most, but this is different Mom. So I sat her down and showed her the map of our galaxy, The Milky Way. I explained to her that in our galaxy there is roughly 400 billion planets. Then I showed her that picture from the Hubble Telescope and told her that each one of those little dots are whole galaxies that are just as big, if not bigger than our galaxy. I told her this picture goes on forever and ever and the probability that of all the infinite planets in existence that us having the only intelligent life is pretty much 0. 

My mother, that beautiful soul, stared at me for ten seconds in silence looking like she was going to throw up. After a quick twitch and a smile she said “Did you see the pictures on Facebook of your cousin’s new baby?” 

Not today, you’re going to confront this. 

I held strong in the pocket, bobbing and weaving my way through her feinting questions. I showed her my saved Tik Toks of obvious alien activity, UFOs, etc. Until she finally snapped. “WHY DO YOU WANT THIS SO BAD?!”

Um how the fuck could you not? Mom explained that  she’s afraid that aliens could murder the shit out of everyone including her children and grandbabies, fair I guess. Her other gripe is that it doesn’t bode well on her Catholic faith. 

Ok ok, I can work with this. As far as your faith, Genesis 1:1, literally the first line of the Bible “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Says right there earth wasn’t the only pit stop. As far as the whole our brains being harvested thing goes, the way I see it there’s only two options. Either aliens will invade and kill everyone OR they’re so advanced past the idea of warfare that they just want to invite us into their avant-garde way of thinking and living. Clearly they’d be more advanced than us and maybe they can even fix grandpa’s Alzheimer’s. 

“Oh that’s a nice thought.” 

She wasn’t ready for that. The idea that we’d be better off with aliens. That’s my blueprint so far for convincing old people that we should be welcoming the aliens with open arms. Feel free to use it with your own tweaks and omissions as you see fit for your own old person. Because we need to get everyone on board, figuratively and literally.