I am a sauce lunatic. Much to my displeasure, it’s even become part of my personality. If you saw my stature it’d make a lot more sense. The amount of different condiments I need to satisfy a meal is out of control. So this news that Chick Fil A is putting a cap on sauces per meal is really hitting home for me.
I came to the realization of my sauce addiction when I was about twelve. I was at my best friends house, I was a biggon even back then, so my friend’s parents were bragging all night about how they were going to make me a big steak. When dinner came there was no sauce on the table. At all. Before I took my first cut I asked if they had any steak sauce. They would’ve looked less offended if I had just punched them in the face instead. I still think about that dinner and every time I eat there I sacrifice my flavor preferences for their little egos.
My friends had always commented on the amount of sauces we had on the dinner table when they came over. But I just always thought they were impressed. It doesn’t matter if the sauce makes sense for the meal. Put it on the table and let someone experiment if they want. Do I think it’s gross that my mom and sister put Thai Sweet Chili sauce on their Italian cheese raviolis? Yes I do. But I’ll fight for their right to do so.
Despite my apparent laissez-fair approach to the condiment industry, I am a stickler on sauce to food ratio. This shit runs deep in my DNA. I was taught at a young age from breakfasts with my grandpa that sauce is a privilege and should be utilized as such. If I ever had a heavy hand in pouring his precious “brown sauce” (HP Steak Sauce) I would be scolded in front of the entire family for it. I was mad at first. Like he was still back in WWII Scotland rationing for a long winter. He used to make me lick up when I didn’t use. “If it goes on your plate, it goes in your mouth.” I grew to appreciate his methods, and adopted them as my own. A lesson my little brother didn’t seem to grasp.
My brother is the youngest grandchild so, first of all, spoiled. Secondly, he had a strict childhood diet of plain bagels (no cream cheese/butter), french fries, and Kraft’s mac and cheese. He never got shamed by Grandpa because he never used sauce. Now in his twenties, he eats like a mostly normal person. But he’s still relatively new to food and thus, new to sauce. He’ll do a three second pour per two chicken strips. He should do jail time for that. Leaves an absolute lake of sauce on his plate. I tell him all the time that Grandpa is turning in his grave, even though he isn’t dead. But if he sees that you’ll send him to an early grave.
There’s a strategy to using sauce. That’s what I’m trying to convey in these hard times. Here’s how you now need to act in drive-thrus until things settle down.
Rule number one. If you have a flavor affliction like myself, there’s a good chance you’re just as lazy as I am. But if you want your sauce, you have to go yourself. You can’t rely on those DoorDash crooks and certainly can’t rely on your parents. There is nothing worse than your mom coming home and finding out she forgot to ask for sauce. “Just use the BBQ sauce we have in the fridge.” That’s not even close to the same thing.
When you pick up, you have certain rights allotted to you. You make the call on which sauces are asked for. So if you’re bringing the big McDonald’s order to your buddie’s house and you know you need extra Sweet and Sour and your weird friend requests that you ask for honey mustard or something dumb, don’t order it. It’s only going to rob the handful of the things you need. Also, don’t be afraid to slip a sauce in your pocket before you divvy up the food. If they complain there’s not enough sauce, blame it on the restaurant being stingy. You picked it up, consider it a delivery fee.
Most importantly, there’s two key things about kids working the drive-thrus nowadays: they don’t really care about their jobs and they hate confrontation. Being direct is the most effective way to get the sauce you need. If you ask for two sauces, you know they’re probably only going to give you one of each. You know which sauce is more important to you and what will get more use. So tell them you need three of this sauce and one of the other. They know they shouldn’t but they don’t care enough to explain to you that it’s one per item and all that other nonsense. There’s a long line behind you and they need to keep it moving. They don’t have the time or energy to argue with you over it. They’ve been shafting people on sauce all day so they know they can afford to throw you a bone.
Follow this blueprint and you just might make it through this. It’s troubling times for all of us. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and if you have to eat another dog you’re gonna need some sauce.
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