Eggs Are Fucked Up If You Think About It

I am terrified of not being on the top of the food chain. It's easy to see the chaos and destruction that humanity is capable given today's climate. Literally and figuratively. But some of our most heinous acts have become so mundane, so routine, that we never really consider what we're actually doing. When you have an egg, you're eating chicken's period. 

When human females, ya know, menstruate, they're releasing an old egg to make room for the new egg created during ovulation. At least that's what I think happens, I've never had one. At any rate it's a good guess. So, when a hen has their period they are also discarding their unfertilized egg to make room for a new one. Then one time a human saw that happen and said "Mmm yummy" and now we eat Eggs Benedict. 

We use eggs in pretty much everything. A breakfast staple, we use it in our cakes to celebrate birthdays, we whip it into mayonnaise to put on our sandwiches, we made bagels of it, the limit does not exist. How fucked up is that? 

Now imagine we're invaded by an alien race that's so advanced, so civilized, so intelligent that they see humans like we see chickens. Uh oh. Fuckin aliens in their kitchen dipping their meat in human uterus lining just to make the bread crumbs stick when they deep fry it. I know it's gross but it's essentially what we do now.

You might be thinking that I'm a vegetarian or something. I'm not. This is just how my brain works right before I'm about to fall asleep. I'm still very much looking forward to my porkroll egg and cheese in the morning. Yolk extra runny please.   

How Does Stadium Cohabitation Work?

Growing up in New Jersey, sharing stadiums was always a normal thing to me. The Giants and Jets were tag-teaming East Rutherford and I never really gave it a second thought. With my own team, the Rams, now building a shared stadium I realized how many questions I have. 

First order of business is the locker rooms. It's a nauseating new trend to reveal your customized locker rooms and have your fan base drool over it like they're the ones who will be using it. Are there three locker rooms in a shared stadium? Two home, one away? It's my understanding that these new locker rooms are supposed to act as a home away from home where you can relax and play Xbox. Do the Rams have to remove all their shit when the Chargers are home that week? That would piss me off so much that I'd demand a trade. 

Coach's offices. Much like locker rooms, will McVay have to take home all of his playbooks and pictures of his playmate whenever Anthony Lynn needs the Head Coach office? Most likely no, there's probably not a shortage of offices and they aren't nearly as spacious or expensive as a locker room. But what if there's only one home locker room? How do you decide who's office is closer to the locker room? Or who's office has the better view? This could cause a lot of hurt feelings in Inglewood. 

In my head somewhere I knew that there weren't many professional sports teams that share a stadium. I just never confronted the thought. The Lakers obviously bully the Clippers in the Staples Center. Give the Jets the short end of the stick in Metlife because they're used to playing second fiddle. MLB, nobody. I'm pretty sure the only thing NHL players share are venereal diseases but I'm not entirely sure. I'm sorry I just don't have room for hockey. I guess now I all I can do is hope the Rams are the favorite child of SoFi stadium. 

I'm aware I can Google all these, but answers have a way of being total letdowns. It's questions that are fun.    

I'm Being Stalked By The President

I'm still fighting the good fight of not voting or belonging to any political party. But it's getting increasingly more difficult. My original stance was laughing at both sides without much knowledge of what the fuck is going on. But things are serious now. America is serious. I'd like to go back to laughing. Word must have reached the Oval Office of my indifference because Trump is working tirelessly to recruit me. And I gave him my email like an idiot. 

How'd the President get my email you ask? Well the short answer is Christmas, if you're satisfied with that skip to the next paragraph. The long answer is that I have 30 cousins on my dad's side and we use the "Secret Santa" method for gift giving. My cousins are made up of a pretty evenly 14 Democrats/14 Republicans split with my brother and I drinking in the corner making fun of everyone while they argue. Christmas of 2016, I picked the leader of the Republican cousins and decided to get him a MAGA hat off Trump's website. I wanted to nuke Christmas. Well, joke is on me because I must have left a box checked and now Trump is back four years later to collect on his assumed support. 

In the last week Trump has emailed me ten times. The rest of the Mean Street Posse consisting of Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, a Trump Exec, and Newt Gingrich emailed me a combined sixteen times. I only went back a week but this has been going on for months and I didn't feel like putting that much effort into going through my emails. Page out of Hilary's book. Anyway, they've been asking me out to lunch, wondering if I'm getting their emails, and telling me that they need me and shit. Like, needy much? Take a hint. 

I'm purposely not opening the emails so they can't see that I'm actively ghosting them via the Patriot Act or CIA. I'm not being the one who leaves the government on Read. But if anyone has a direct line to the President, please let him know that I'm flattered but not interested in seeing anyone on either side at the moment. Or ever.     

I Hate Biopics

Most of my friends know that I became a Ram's fan back in the early 2000s because of the The Greatest Show On Turf. More notably, Kurt Warner. So when it was announced that the dude from Shazam would be portraying Kurt in an upcoming biopic, I received numerous texts asking me how pumped I was. I lied in every response I gave. I don't actually think it's going to be dope. It's a biopic and biopics suck. 

I'll admit this Kurt Warner flick was a newly found breakthrough in my opinion on the topic. Every recent biopic I've seen has triggered the same response of "Yeah, it was alright". I'm done pretending otherwise. Take your Oscars and shove them up your ass. 

Like most of my opinions though, I don't completely agree with this one. There are always exceptions, 8 Mile being the most obvious one. My raving review does largely stem from a childhood spent being an angry suburban white boy with an unhealthy attraction to a junkie version of Brittany Murphy though. Doesn't make it not a classic. But the rest stink.

I read a lot. Whenever that's revealed, I either get roasted or recommended books. I hate both reactions equally. People love recommending biographies, I think it makes them feel smart. No thanks, I already minored in history I know what happens to Ulysses S Grant. My take on reading has always been that they're like little portable TV shows that help me escape reality. With my escape route in mind, why would I put myself back into the real world? I had no problem admitting that with reading, but why not with watching? Probably because I don't watch movies alone and I don't want to upset my compadre by telling them we just wasted the last three hours being told a story that we already knew. Well not anymore. 

Stop pretending to like things you don't like, it's liberating. Or don't, I don't really give a shit. With all of that being said, I am pumped for the Hype House biopic dropping in 2040. I pretend like I don't know what's going on for appearance's sake, but I just can't quit that drama.

Wow we covered a lot here. Fuck biopics. 

Lincoln Riley Self Fellates

Am I the only person who saw the video that Lincoln Riley posted on Twitter today? He doesn't physically suck his own dick in the video but he might as well have. It's captioned "QBU" and it's ten minutes long. Who the fuck has time for ten minutes of Lincoln Riley patting himself on the back? This is a real quote from the video, "The answer to the question here is Lincoln Riley....he's been unbelievable". There's like a million more like that too but I'm not going to turn this into a quote fest.

A few familiar faces pop by to tell you why Oklahoma and LR are so great. My favorite was Kyler Murray saying "If you wanna win championships and do what you love there's no better place". Umm excuse me? When you say championships you don't mean the National ones right? Last time Oklahoma won one of them, Lincoln Riley was 16. 

Sure they score a lot of points. The video spews out their yardage and points and Heisman rankings. Blah Blah Blah, whatever. What they don't want to talk about is how their last two guys under center were failed SEC projects who couldn't handle big boy defenses. So they ran off to the Big 12. Oh yes, Kyler too. Most people forget he played for A&M and went 2/4 with an interception against Alabama in 2015. Hey Kyler, boo. 

I'm getting too into statistics. The fact of the matter is that it was just a weird fucking video to Tweet out. Thirsty much? I don't care about being humble, it's not that. But at least accomplish something before saying "Hey everyone! Don't forget about how impressive I am!". 0-3 career in Bowl Games. Not so easy once you have to step outside of that bounce house of a conference. Fuck you and that stupid wagon you rode in on. 

P.S. I couldn't make it through the whole video so if it said like "In Loving Memory" or something at the end I legally can't be held accountable. 

Nice Try Sir, But Not My Alma Mater

We alumnus of The University of Alabama like to carry ourselves with class, dignity, and a general attitude of acting like you've been there before. But I'm sure you already knew that. Which is why I am shocked and appalled at the slanderous insinuations that we are hosting dope COVID parties in Tuscaloosa. I mean I never in all my life... 

I'd like to now direct your attention to Dr. Thrasher's Twitter (@thrasherxy). I don't exactly know what his qualifications are but he calls himself a doctor and that's good enough for me. Thrasher went on a 22 Tweet thread completely exonerating The University of Alabama. Don't worry I'm not going to break down each Tweet, that'd be crazy. I'll just sum it up and prove our innocence. 

"The main story everyone is linking to is this ABC News piece, which weirdly has a video of upstate NY but the text is all about Alabama?" 

Well? Case closed. First fucking tweet and everyone looks like big dumb idiots. The video that everyone is yelling at Alabama for actually takes place in upstate NY. Little conspiracy boy Jack Mac couldn't piece that one together while he blogged these parties?

Thrasher goes on to source Wikipedia which is actually legal in Tuscaloosa since it was invented on campus. He talks about confirmation bias, few videos, couple plugs for his new book, yadda yadda yadda. Then another big one. Where's the proof? 

"ABC News doesn't have one reporter who can find even ONE COLLEGE KID who has SEEN or GONE TO these parties? No! Instead they quote a fire chief: 'We did some research. Not only do the doctor's offices confirm it but the state confirmed they also had the same information.'

Well if the fire chief can do 'some research', WHY CAN'T ABC NEWS? ABC can't call the doctors or the state? Can't get on Facebook/Insta/TikTok & find ads of these parties? Can't find ONE KID who went?"

Hallelujah! I mean, get a grip ABC News. Not that I want to get into the habit of quoting Einhorn but that's a very entertaining story, but unfortunately real detectives have to worry about that little thing called ev-id-ence. There were dozens of bros on video bragging to the news about partying during the pandemic on spring break. You mean to tell me you couldn't find one person to go on the record for these COVIDarties? Damn, that's a good name. 

Here's the thing, somebody is trying to frame us to get college football canceled. Nobody wants to get on that field more than us. Nobody wants to keep us off that field more than you. We have a National Championship to win. Take your hearsay and poppycock somewhere else. Now and forever, Roll Tide.

In the event that these parties were actually happening at Auburn, this whole blog is null and void. 

Delivery Over Outside Dining

If there's anything I hate more than not being able to eat out at a restaurant, it's eating outside. I'm a human furnace. Sweating into my fajita skillet in a Friday's parking lot is neither sanitary nor appetizing. I hate eating outside and it is my strong belief that most people fake-enjoy their meals in the heat.  

I promised my father that I'd take him out to eat some time after Father's Day, a gift I made up on the fly with no card. We went to this local BBQ joint, Texas Roadhouse, to fulfill my obligation. It's probably important to mention that my Dad is the mayor of the whole state of New Jersey. Just on the way to our table, he stopped to talk to three different tables while they were eating because he doesn't comprehend social cues. Neither did the multiple families who stopped at our table during our meal. Listening to every Dick and Jane being like "Huuahh right, how fricken great does it feel to get out of the house?!". Get the fuck away from me and let me try to enjoy this Awesome Blossom. Which by the way, is not so awesome when you're simultaneously combating back sweat shirt. I could hardly take my shirt off to relieve the situation. Everyone would have lost their appetite, including myself. 

What's so bad about eating home anyway? There's no awkward empty air, no need to feel like have to appease anyone. It's just you, your food, your tv and the 1970s dinner tray that you stole from your grandparent's house. Oh and air conditioning. Your only objectives are enjoying your dinner and entertaining yourself. How does it get better than that? Well, strip club buffets I guess, but that's a double no-no right now.

I heard that Adam Silver said the NBA restart is in jeopardy barring a second wave. We need to take every precaution to secure the sports resurrection. Just spitballing here, but if were trying to budget our human interactions, my vote is to cut outdoor dining and return to strictly takeout.