Due to the nature of my career I constantly find myself faking polite conversation. It’s not supposed to be a political job but it very much still is. I have to maintain a certain image. An image, mind you, that I absolutely hate.
While putting on my fake self- whether it’s at my job, to aunts and uncles at BBQs who pretend like we’re close, or conversations in the grocery store that I tried to avoid- I use these stupid generic phrases that make me sound like a corny old Dad. I swear I’m one “I guess they’ll let anyone in here!” away from getting myself pregnant. Here are some of them.
“Ehhh what’re ya gonna do.” I know it’s phrased like a question but it’s actually the complete opposite. If somebody answered this with what they were actually going to do I think I’d let out a high pitched scream. What it actually means is I’ve heard your complaint, I don’t care about it, I’m not going to console you and I hope saying this puts an end to it.
“I’m gettin old, man.” I deploy this either when I’m exhausted or someone comments on my appearance. Like if I have to do manual labor or been drinking all day and I see someone looking at me it just escapes out of my mouth with a sigh. It doubles for when someone hasn’t seen me in a while and they comment on how different I look. A lot of times people will ask me about what my college days were like when they find out I went to a big football school. Then I have to talk about how much I miss it. If I say “I miss it,” about anything at all, it’s automatically followed by an “I’m gettin old, man.”
“Well, look who it is!” I use this when someone recognizes me but I have no idea who they are. You know when someone’s eyes light up when they see you and you think to yourself, “Oh shit this persons going to talk to me,” this is what you use. These are the jackasses who flatten their hand out to their knee and say “I knew you when you were this big!” Similarly, if I’m trying to figure out their wife’s name I’ll say “Where’s the ol’ ball and chain?” Ughh.
“Who would’ve thought, right?” This is for the sentimentals who tell me stories about myself that I’ve never heard before. Either from when I was a child or they know something they shouldn’t know about my early twenties. They always finish with a comment about my career or my growing up followed by a “Now look at ya!”
“Here comes trouble!” God, I hate myself. I use this on people’s pre-teen children and middle aged men who drink too much. I don’t know how to speak to either one of them. For very different reasons, both groups don’t make a lick of sense to me when they speak. I’ve found that calling them “trouble” jacks them up enough that they smile and I can just keep on walking past them.
My little brother and I are the same exact person. The only difference is I feel the responsibility to fake it and he doesn’t. Whenever he catches me and asks “Why do you do that?” it’s a punch right to the gut. Because I truly don’t know. And every time I do it, I feel a piece of my soul being ripped out.
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