American culture is graffiti’d with taking down milfs. Everything from Stiffler’s mom to Mormon quarterbacks for the Jets, from season 3 of Stranger Things to Benjamin Franklin writing a letter to a young man on why choosing milfs over women his own age was the way to go. Since the country is so gung ho on taking the Founding Fathers’ word as gospel, let’s focus on that last one.
Why did Ben Franklin get his face on the hundred dollar bill anyway? He needed a bigger bill to pay all his hookers. Dude was riddled with STDs and had a platoon of illegitimate children. He had a lineup that could rival Derek Jeter himself. Franklin was rumored to sleep with milfs at a young age, women in their twenties in his twilight years, a mother and daughter, his best friend’s girl, and hundreds of French prozzies. Oh and his wife sometimes. The guy knows his way around around a bedroom.
So when Ben Franklin writes eight reasons why you should consider older women, you listen. You might learn a thing or two. Here are Ben Franklin’s 8 Reasons Why (to bang milfs not like the Netflix show).
1. “Because they have more knowledge of the world,”
Starting off the rip as more knowledgeable had me thinking he was going a different route. But Franklin is actually speaking more of conversation in this matter. Milfs are better to shoot the shit with.
2. “Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good.”
Whew. Tricks of the trade as they get older. While it’s doesn’t explicitly state in the bedroom, Franklin says women learn 1000 services as they age to keep their influence over men, so that’s got to be one of them. But bonus points, he says they’re a lot nicer when you’re sick. “…hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.”
3. “Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.”
Ben Franklin shootin’ down range! Apparently he sees his weak pull out game as quite the inconvenience. I know he was rich and all, but Ben Franklin would 100% have a child support warrant if he was born in modern times.
4. “Because through more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion.”
Loose lips sink ships. Milfs make for better sneaky links. They’re less likely to tell their friends, put you on blast on Instagram, etc. Benny says older women are “safer for your reputation”. He also says if you do get caught, the public perception may be that the milf is kindly taking care of you and preventing you from ruining your health on prostitutes.
Ben Franklin’s syphilis:
5. “And as in the dark, all cats are grey,”
That means exactly what you think it means. Ben Franklin said, “hey, pussy’s pussy.” He also gets into this crazy breakdown of how gravity affects the nether regions last. That first the face will wrinkle, then the neck, then tits and arms, “the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever.” Franklin claims that the floor for sex with milfs is at the very least equal to their younger counterparts, but “frequently superior.”
6. “Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.”
Clearly this was meant for when wearing white on your wedding day was a priority. But it’s funny to think that Ben Franklin thinks he’s straight up ruined people with his dick. Can’t ruin something that’s already been ruined by someone else first.
7. “Because compunction is less.”
Basically what he’s saying is there’s none of that post nut clarity. Less guilt. It’s clear that Ben Franklin thought that in the end you can only make a woman your own age miserable and filled with resentment. But with milfs, it’s good vibes only.
8. “And lastly they are so greatful!”
Hey it takes two to tango. Men aren’t the only ones enjoying themselves when tackling a cougar. It’s the trade off. The young gentleman gets what he’s looking for, and the milf gets someone who can still see his dick, gets it up when the wind blows the right way, and doesn’t get winded after two minutes in the shower.
So what does this all mean? It means that Zach Wilson banged his Mom’s best friend and he’s not gonna convince me otherwise. Even if he didn’t, he did now. But who has more to lose? Who has more reason to lie? The girl who lost her boyfriend to a cougar? Or the woman with potentially a family of her own? Bingo. I feel like it’s getting lost in the shuffle though that the Jets’ QB had his own girl stolen from him by his best friend. Everyone’s hyping him up but I still think Cuck Wilson and the Jets go 6-11.
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