I’m sure sportsbooks can’t pick up Survivor betting since it’s pre recorded. But if you’re like my buddies and I, do a buy in, draft a squad fantasy style, and whoever picks the winner takes the pot.
My previous Survivor rankings did alright. I had the winner at sixth overall and the runner up third. Not amazing, but solid. In my defense, Survivor took quite the Covid hiatus and I was out of practice. HOWEVER, I nailed my Big Brother preseason rankings with the winner slotted number one overall.
Survivor has transitioned into a much softer show. Even with last year’s tweaks of less food and shelter it felt like the most kumbaya season yet. I understand that current climates naturally affect contestant behavior but it feels like production is leaning too much into it. It’s been like that for a solid ten seasons now, but it’s like Madden to me - I know it’s going to be the same game every year but I’m too invested to turn back now.
I miss villains. I miss the cutthroats, and the drama, and manipulating emotions instead of talking them out. If there’s one thing Bruce Willis movies have taught me it’s that true survival doesn’t care about your feelings. Survivor has become just as much about surviving your perception on Twitter post-production as it is surviving Fiji.
But alas, it appears that we’ve been subjected to another cast composed of mostly Hot Topic employees. Best way to avoid the Twitter mob is to choose the ones holding the pitchforks. So without further adieu, my rankings.
*Keep in mind this site stinks so the pictures probably won’t load but know they’re there.
18. Daniel Strunk, 30
Daniel introduced himself as a chunky guy that Vegas shouldn’t bet on. I’m not betting on a guy who isn’t betting on himself. Yeah, he’s a lawyer but a socially awkward one. Which is probably why he’s currently a clerk for a judge because I’d wager you could make him cry in a court room. Sorry Danny boy, but someone’s gotta be the worst and I’m guessing it’s you.
17. Omar Zahedan, 31
Another contestant that’s not exactly physically intimidating. Starting with three tribes leaves everyone vulnerable to tribal. With no where to hide, I think Omar will be too much of a liability to keep around. Going with the recent season trend of males on the early chopping block, I don’t see Omar bringing a lot to the table. He’s leaning way too much into this “exotic vetnarian” thing. I don’t think it translates at all. Who gives a fuck. He’s already bothering me with it so imagine he’ll do the same to people on the beach.
16. Lydia Meredith, 22
Mannerisms hold a lot of weight in my rankings. In Lydia’s introductory video she did this annoying ass peace sign and I immediately knew she didn’t have what it takes. You either understand that or you don’t. Lydia is a server/bartender and strikes me as the type who preaches the hardships of service industry workers and constantly brags about how much she tips no matter how bad the service is. We’ve all worked in a restaurant, no one cares.
15. Mike Turner, 51
The two biggest reasons why people are snuffed out at the beginning is being a comp liability and thinking you’re the boss when setting up initial camps. I predict Mike to be the latter. I have a feeling he won’t have the social awareness to code switch when talking to the younger generation. I know what production is trying to do. They’re selling us a knockoff Tony Vlachos. Tony was a Jersey City cop, Mike’s a firefighter in the neighboring city of Hoboken. Mike’s mistake will be thinking he’s Tony. There’s only one Tony Vlachos.
14. Jackson Fox, 48
Jackson’s a tricky one to crack. Sure he looks physically capable but outside of that I can’t find much more to say. Being transgender could make for a nice winning story but I’m not sure he’s up to the task to get that far. Honestly, I found Jackson boring. His video and profile left a lot to be desired.
13. Lindsay Dolashewich, 31
This is more of a homer ranking. I’m aware of the people in the area where Lindsay grew up and find them annoying. But the only thing more annoying than them are people who move to Asbury Park, which she did. Just trust me on this one she has no shot.
12. Maryann Oketch, 24
Maryanne doesn’t strike me as the most physically competent. I don’t think she’ll be a liability but as the herd starts to thin she’ll find herself as a comp casualty. Everything about her profiles scream that she’s way too nice to be here. Because of that I don’t think she’s capable of making the backstabbing moves required to stay in the game. She reminds me a lot of last season’s Genie.
11. Tori Meehan, 25
I hate to say it but retina rockets like Tori haven’t fared too well in recent seasons. They come off as too “high school mean girl” for anyone to trust, something she addresses in her video. But anyone who says “Jesus is number one” in their introductory video seems like the type to push their views onto people. The only reason I even have Tori this low is because of her occupation as a therapist. Communication could be there and she might surprise me, but I doubt it.
10. Zack Wurtenberger, 21
Zack has the chance to be a very good social player in this game. His apprehension with the physical aspect has me worried that he won’t be much of a complete player. Ultimately, I believe Zack’s debate background and immaturity is going to social him into a corner that he can’t get out of.
9. Jenny Kim, 43
Despite the ranking, I really like the Jenny. I think she has the physicality and social maturity to make a push in this game. I’m just not confident that “New York designer” will mesh well with this group. I put Jenny in the middle of the pack because when the game gets nitty gritty I don’t expect Jenny to have strong enough ally bonds to make it to the next level.
8. Rocksroy Bailey, 44
I think America is going to wind up falling in love with Rocksroy. Myself included. He’s a jolly stay at home dad built like a brick shit house. With a dope ass name to boot. His strategy is to be a provider for the tribe and I simply believe he’s going to be out provider’d after the merge. Rocksroy will fall victim to the “this guy is going to win it all if we don’t get him out now” play.
7. Marya Sherron, 47
Before you jump down my throat, I don’t have an inkling of faith in Marya winning this thing. Every season has the tribe mom who’s too nice to write down. I have Marya pegged as our sacrificial lamb of the season because she’s a sweetheart. I mean, her pet peeves are “mean people!”, how adorable. Everyone needs a mom on a deserted island.
6. Swati Goel, 19
All contenders at this point. This is our young superfan of the season. Swati got into every Ivy League school she applied to. Which tells me not only does she have the brains, but a craving for competition. As if the brains weren’t enough, her National Guard enlistment and basic combat training gives us the cherry on top to an already impressive resume. The only reason I don’t have Swati lower is that I predict her age and intelligence might negatively impact her social game. Some people are too smart for their own good in this game.
5. Romeo Escobar, 37
What a story Romeo would have at the final tribal. Growing up in Central America where he claims he grew accustomed to not always having the luxury of electricity and water. Immediate advantage. Add in dodging gang violence as a gay man growing up in South Central LA and you got yourself a case my friend. I think Romeo will be a mix of Naseer and Ricard from last season. Which sounds like a compliment, but it also has the making of a very large target being drawn on his back.
4. Chanelle Howell, 29
I can’t explain it other than Chanelle has the look. Maybe it’s because she’s a negotiater by trade, but Chanelle has the cunning cutthroat personality that I look forward to each season. I think she’ll have the initiative to create a strong alliance between brains and brawn that will get her far in this game. My only fear is that she’ll have too much blood on her hands to get over that final hump.
3. Jonathan Young, 29
Jonathan checks a lot of the Survivor boxes. An absolute piss missile but the demeanor of the surfer dude. Jonathan claims that he spearfishes daily which is a massive advantage. We’re eatin good on his watch. With the seasons offering less rice and food in general it’s going to get harder and harder to bite that hand that feeds you. I think Jonathan’s surfer bro mentality and southern charm is going to hide the muscles long enough for it to be too late to get rid of him in time.
2. Drea Wheeler, 35
I’ll be honest, I’m a sucker for an “All-American” anything. Being an All-American Track Runner screams comp beast to me. I expect Drea to really hit her stride post-merge with multiple immunity necklaces keeping her in a position of power. I think her sweetheart personality and kind face is going to distract people from the fact that she’s been taking mothafuckas out left and right.
1. Hai Giang, 29
I don’t think I can get cancelled for positive stereotypes so I’m just gonna say it, the gays are amazing at reality competitions. If I could get an entire cast of Ricards it be one of the best seasons ever. Getting off topic. Hai claims to have grown up poverty stricken. But by 24 he bought his own house and paid off all of his student loans by 26. Hungry dog gets the bone type shit. The eye test tells me he’s going to be a weekly threat at immunity. He’ll have a strong social game, I’m not worried about that cause… I’m just not. Plus he’s a scientist? Hai is my most complete player on this list. He brought up Yun as his idol, not me, but I agree. And we all know how Yun’s season ended. (If you don’t, he won)
Feeling confident for my draft next Wednesday. If you wanna join the Survivor fantasy world go off of my blueprint. I’m feeling good about this one.
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