During the winter, the New Jersey creatures crawl out of their holes to reclaim their beach domain. It’s reverse hibernation. You know that three bedroom house you split at the Jersey Shore that says it sleeps 18 people? Yeah those belong to crackheads in the winter for 1/20th the price you paid for summer. Anything that can happen does happen. Governor Murphy’s Law. Sherlock Holmes himself couldn’t figure out what this trash was used for during this beach clean up. But I can.
25. Mason Jars Filled With Liquor
The South doesn’t have a monopoly on moonshine?
24. A Thong
You slutted it up all summer, don’t judge our winters.
23. Turkish Air Hygiene Kit
Honestly I’m just happy their was an attempt at hygiene, I don’t care where it came from.
22. Empty Drug Baggies
Everyone enjoys watching a nice sunrise on the beach.
21. A Glue Stick
For arts and crafts, duh?
20. A Mini Fridge
The best part about a mini fridge is you can place them where you otherwise wouldn’t have a refrigerator.
19. A Partial Windshield
Hiding evidence.
18. A Plastic Monkey
Hell yeah.
17. A “Hunk Of Human Hair”
Does anyone know Trevor Bauer’s whereabouts this winter?
16. Male Enhancement Pills
See above^^^.
15. A Check For $1
Something is always better than nothing.
14. A Used Narcan Kit
Shoot up responsibly.
13. Tampon Applicators
Aka Jersey beach whistles. What if there’s a shark?
12. A Bullet Casing
Extreme fishing.
11. A Toilet Brush
Best way to get the sand off.
10. Glow In The Dark Condom
Cosmic bowling meets sex on the beach.
9. A TV Remote
It’s always the last place you check.
8. A Lottery And A Parking Ticket
Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.
7. Full Set Of Dentures
Unfortunately, probably we’re taken out after the glow up rubber was flashed. Fortunate for someone though.
6. Rosary Beads
God was abandoned on this beach.
5. A Partial Bowling Ball
Honestly, no clue.
4. An Accordian
Ok, there’s a sweet old man who plays an accordion year round at my beach and now I’m very nervous for him.
3. CD Holder Filled With Limp Bizkit Albums
Anyone who still listens to Limp Bizkit does hard drugs. Someone told this guy to bring music for their dope circle and he didn’t fully understand the assignment.
2. Set Of Braces
Orthodontists are too damn expensive these days.
1. A Fake Eyeball
Have you ever seen someone take one of these out? Slippery little bastards. If it was dropped in the sand it belongs to the beach now. All the eye juice soaked up the sand and you can’t put that back in your socket.
No one puts on a pretty face quite like the Jersey Shore. All of these beach sweeps are done by local volunteers. It’s a nice community day to be grossed out and talk shit. But it’s hard work. So I want you to remember their sacrifice when you’re nursing your hangover over a Kohl’s orange vanilla swirl with rainbow sprinkles while flashbacks of sweating it up on the dance floor with your neighbor from three houses down flash across your brain. Your summer of mistakes is only possible due to the good local folks who clean up after you’ve gone.
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