On Todays Episode Of WTF, England Used To Eat Mummies

History is a strange place. For Americans, it’s a muddied concept. Although 244 years is a long time for our little human brains, it’s the blink of an eye in the history world. We really haven’t had much time to make that many crazy mistakes. Although it appears that we’ve tried our damndest to catch up. 

But take England for example. They have millennia to go back and explore and wonder “what the fuck were those people thinking?” Like how they used to eat mummies for headaches and other ailments. Now if you’re thinking, surely not a mummy like ancient Egypt mummy, then you’re wrong. Exactly those mummies. 

It wasn’t enough for the OG colonizers to steal all of Egypt’s artifacts and oblesisks for their museums. They had to don their freshest fez in the wardrobe to graverob Egyptian royalty for nutritious purposes. 

Maybe that’s why British people always have that dumb look on their face. You know, like they always have a question they want to ask you but quite can’t remember what it is? That’s the result of generations of people using mummy skulls as pita chips. 

This article from The Smithsonian goes more into detail of how exactly corpse medicine was used. Like how a mixture of skull and chocolate was used for bleeding. Talk about Nestle crunch. King Charles II used to mix mummies with booze like a big show-off that he called, “The King’s Drops”.Or how ground Egyptian mummy was used for internal bleeding. Or how the moss that grew on a mummy’s skull, gross, was believed to cure nosebleeds and epilepsy. I mean, what the fuck. 

But the whole point of learning history is to point and laugh at the idiots that came before us. Although mummy snacks are the weirdest I’ve heard of, we’re not that far away from medicinal oopsies ourselves. Bull urine was used for impotency, heroin was a cough medicine, and meth was given for bad gas. Ask that piece of shit Hitler how that last one worked out. I wonder what we use today that people will scoff at in 500 years. 

Whole things fucked up. Go to jail England. It makes you wonder too. Like now my whole vision of The Mummy is fucked up. What if Brendan Frazier’s sexy librarian wife was only in it for a tasty treat?