Two years ago three of my friends and I decided to start a Survivor fantasy draft before the season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. So without further adieu, here are my rankings.
18. Tiffany, 47
Somebody has to be last. With only three words to describe herself, Tiffany chose “LOUD”. Clearly a New Yorker, I think Tiffany is going to come on a little too strong the second they hit that beach. Plus her pet peeve was that she hates being wrong and if you go into this game thinking you’re going to be right at every tribal council, you’re gonna have a bad time.
17. Evvie, 28
On the one hand Evvie seems to have the intelligence to play this game as a PHD student. On the other hand, her biggest pet peeve is men. Shocker, I know. Hey, I’m sure she has her reasons, but you have to be able to compartmentalize the outside world from the Survivor world. Ostracizing half your teammates right off the bat because they have a winky is too bold a strategy for me to get behind.
16. David, 35
I mean, we all know a guy that looks like this. He’s not going to be able to shut the fuck up. David will be a villain without having the slightest clue as to why he’s a villain. He’s a neurosurgeon but whatever. For his pet peeve, David submitted incompetence followed by “When you work an insane number of hours in a week, you just can’t tolerate total ineptness.” This guy is gonna make me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I don’t think he’ll have many episodes to do so.
15. Heather, 52
This stay at home mom maybe should have just stayed at home. Everyone needs a mom out on the island, but I’m not so convinced she’ll bring much to the table outside of that. I’m sorry but I just don’t think Heather has what it takes to be the oldest female to ever win the Survivor.
14. Eric, 51
Despite being the oldest male, Eric has some good measurables. He looks strong enough for comps and has a career in cyber security with a former college professor gig to boot. But Eric said he plans to model his game off of first time winner Richard Hatch. A real suck of the teeth moment, since Richard has since been kicked off the show mid-All Stars season for sexual misconduct. Eric’s lack of self awareness makes me think he won’t be able to hang with the young bucks.
13. Deshawn, 26
Deshawn’s strength may keep him around until the merge. His wittle feelings will decide how far he goes after that. The med student described himself as an “empath” who “overfeels”. I feel like Deshawn lacks the cutthroat mentality to go far in this game.
12. Genie, 46
This one hurt to put down because Genie is my favorite person on this list. But I also have to separate my feelings if I want to bring this home. Genie is a grocery clerk, who’s biggest achievement is winning the hustle award at basketball camp when she was 15 years old. I mean, cmon. The best. Unfortunately, I think Genie’s downfall will come from being TOO wholesome. She’d have my vote to win it all, but it seems unlikely.
11. Brad, 50
Coming in at 6’5”, the fifty year old rancher has the chance to be a sneaky comp beast. His hobbies of hunting and fishing will certainly make him useful around camp. I’m just not sold that a 50 year old rancher from Wyoming is going to have much of a social game. It’s something about that picture, he’s got dead eyes I think.
10. Liana, 20
Outside of her youth, I don’t have anything good to say about Liana. On the flip side, I don’t have anything bad to say about her either. Her profile didn’t give me much to go off of, which landed her in the middle of the pack. I could end up eating crow on this one.
9. Shantel, 34
Shantel could wind up being a dark horse here. It’s seems that she’s overcome a lot of adversity, admitting that she’s a former gang member and talking about fighting her demons. Shantel’s a fighter for sure. Only thing is, she’s a pastor now. It’ll be interesting to see how she uses that socially. If she’s not too over the top it could benefit her. However, if she comes across as “holier than thou”, it could cost her her torch.
8. Richard, 31
Being a flight attendant, Richard is no stranger to putting on a fake smile to people all over the globe. He’s also deaf in one ear which I think might work in his favor. Richard said that his deafness forces him to read lips which might make eavesdropping on the beach an invaluable advantage. He did say he was funny too many times in his profile though that makes me think he’s a lot less funnier than he thinks. What’s worse than hanging around a person who thinks they’re funny but isn’t.
7. Erika, 32
I really like Erika’s profile. Her pet peeve of men being in ill-fitted jeans makes me think she’s actually witty. Being a Communications Manager leads you to believe she’s good at, well, communicating. Erika’s biggest obstacle might be her height. 5 foot nothing in group challenges might make her a liability if strength is involved. However, if she can get to individual immunity, her frame will murder in endurance comps.
6. Danny, 33
Being a former NFL player immediately puts Danny into contention. It also immediately paints a target on his back. If he doesn’t keep this close to his chest or is recognized, it could be detrimental to his game. His pet peeve is also lying, which like, you’re on Survivor I can gurantee you’re going to be lied to.
5. Sydney, 26
This is where it starts to get really difficult. Sydney has the makeup to be a phenomenal player in this game. She’s a law student, a former California cross country state champion, and she speaks five languages. There is nothing in her bio that I can point to that I don’t like. I like the others just a tiny bit more.
4. Xander, 21
If I’m Xander, I’m keeping those abs hidden. He looks like he has the making of a comp beast that you can’t vote out early if you want your tribe to avoid tribal council. Shame on me, but he looks more like a Cali bro than he does an app developer. His profile was filled with Crab Nebulas, the Doppler shift, and Kepler’s 3rd Law. Whatever those are. Hopefully the other contestants underestimate Xander’s smarts like I did, furthering him in the game.
3. Sara, 24
Sara’s an MIT grad which immediately grabbed my attention. That’s why you go to MIT, to make idiots like me think you’re super smart. But don’t let those brains fool you, Sarah’s also a long distant swimmer. She’ll be able to prove herself immediately with those early beach comps. Sarah’s full of surprises with hobbies like poker and trapeze. Who does trapeze? By the time people realize what she’s capable of, it’ll already be too late.
2. Naseer, 37
Naseer talks a lot about growing up in a poverty stricken Sri Lankan village. Until he was 18, he had no electricity, running water, toilet or shower. The luxuries that the other contestants will miss most, Naseer has already gone half his life without. Those are intangibles you just can’t teach. What’s a better way to cap off the American Dream than with a million dollar Survivor purse?
1. Jairus, 20
This is my fucking guy right here. Jairus checks all the boxes. Social game? He’s a tour guide, have you ever been on a tour? They’re whole job description is charm and wit. Comp beast? Two-time state champion in track. Good person/heartthrob? Kindergarten teacher and volunteer nurse at a pediatric hospital. I mean, leave some for the rest of us pal. I’m pushing all my chips to the center for Jairus to be the one showering in confetti.
Now, I could be completely wrong about all of this. Tiffany could win it all and Jairus could be the first one voted out. I don’t know these people? Any one of them could be a psychopath that gets themselves voted out earlier than I had anticipated. I could be reading all of these people wrong. But I usually don’t.
For the full profiles go to: https://parade.com/1255355/mikebloom/survivor-41-cast/#
No comments:
Post a Comment