Horror Characters Ranked On How Likely I Am To Survive

Spooky season is right around the corner. Decorations are going up, Tik Toks are being made, and white girls are already posting Hocus Pocus snap stories. Being a generally morbid person, this time of the year always tickles my fancy. I always set the mood by watching fucked up movies during fall.

I decided to rank 11 popular scaries on how likely I am to come out alive. The lower the number the more likely I am to be murdered. There’s some obvious omissions and I don’t care about your complaints. So keep your “how do you leave ____ off!” to yourself. There’s no point in mentioning the classics. I’m not going to rank something I could obviously walk away from like the stupid Blob. 

11. Samara

Im not going in that well, you’re going in that well. There’s just no way I’d let a 10 year old drag me like that. I’m aware of her powers to put images in peoples head but there’s no image that’s preventing this uppercut. 

10. Norman Bates

Even armed with a knife I’m rocking Norman. There’s no way I’d be murdered by someone named Norman. His tactics wouldn’t work on me, I go into a shower ready for war. Especially in a motel setting where my senses are heightened. The slightest noise and I’m coming out for blood. 
9. Hannibal Lector

Hannibal is really just a nerd in a creepy mask. His brutality and most heinous acts mostly come postmortem. He’d have to kill me first. I don’t find Hannibal too physically taxing, I could tune him. Where it would get dicey is if I don’t kill him the first go and he outwits me in the second round. 

8. Annabelle

Punting her straight across the room. This is definitely not a challenge to any demons out there because I definitely do not fuck with them. I think even other demons would agree with me though that a porcelain doll wasn’t the most stable vessel to possess. Annabelle definitely doesn’t want to go toe to toe in the octogon but the supernatural abilities definitely throw a wrench into things. 

7. Pennywise 

This might come as a shocker to some but Pennywise doesn’t exactly have an impressive resume. Getting bullied by a bunch of preteens definitely didn’t do any favors for the shapeshifter’s image. The big ass spider version might give me some trouble but if a bunch if self proclaimed losers can take It out with a few pieces of metal, I don’t see how I’d have a problem. Pennywise strictly targets children too so he’s definitely a little bitch made. 

6. Michael Myers 

Hand to hand combat with Michael would be a problem. He wields that knife like a champion. Luckily for me, I’m not related to Michael and the only way he’d kill me is if I happened to run into him. He’s not very fast though and I’m pretty positive if I just drove away he’d leave me alone. 

Intermission: Here’s where I start to get murdered.

5. Leatherface

If I saw this motherfucker swinging a chainsaw around like a yo-yo… instant cardiac arrest. Leatherface has explosive speed for a big guy. There’s really no way to defend yourself against a chainsaw, so a fight would be out of the question. I’d have to use intellect to escape this one but odds would be slim. 

4. Scream/Ghostface

Just a total fucking asshole. Ghostface is quite possibly the fastest murderer of all time. I don’t think I’d ever have the stamina to keep distance between us. His movements are so jerky that I can’t imagine a scenario where I disarm him. Not to mention that mask scares the dogshit out of me. 

3. Jason Vorhees

  

Coming in at 6’5”, Jason Vorhees is a mega-athlete. Although he’s often pictured with a machete, Jason has some of the most creative kills in horror film history. Including but not limited to punching through peoples’ chests, squashing skulls with his bare hands, turning victims heads 180 degrees, and breaking backs in half. Although he has been killed, Jason doesn’t die. He’s survived drowning, a machete to the face, and an axe to the head. I give myself less than a two percent chance of living. 
2. Freddy Krueger 

It may be controversial putting Freddy over Jason for multiple reasons. Jason has way more confirmed kills and actually impaled Freddy with his own arm before decapitating him. However, fighting Freddy on his own turf is nearly impossible. I can’t control my own dreams as is, never mind ones constructed by The Prince of Nightmares with the intention of killing me. Undoubtedly the most lopsided home field advantage in horror, Krueger is able to bend the dream world to carry out his murders. The only way out is to not sleep and I absolutely crush sleeping. Plus that chorus of singing children is just fucked up. 

1. Jigsaw 

Immediate death. And fuck those survivors who act like they’re better people after his torturings. The Saw franchise has some of the most twisted killings in cinema. In order to avoid death, you normally have to maim yourself in some cruel way that would make any logical thinking person to consider the alternative. You know, like cutting off a pound of your own flesh, or getting the key to a death contraption behind your own eyeball. My feet still tingle thinking about the guy who stepped on a booby trap that sliced both his achilles off. If I ever found myself in a Jigsaw kidnapping, the only thing I would pray for would be a gun in my trap. 

Like I said, I’m missing some. Like I’ve never seen Hellraiser. Chucky’s answer is too similar to Annabelle’s. Dracula is scared of garlic and crosses? I went to Catholic school my whole life pal. But it’s a good list, I’m confident against over 50%. My omissions and potential to watch new movies this October leaves next year’s list wide open. Happy spooky season y’all.