You have to understand, I wanted to make this video. Just like everyone else who was ever born, I find it important to follow your dreams. I try to exhaust every single avenue possible in pursuit of it. But I can’t abandon my responsibilities in order to do so. Where’s the honor in that? I’ll risk everything I have to achieve my dream, but I cannot leave the people I care about holding the bag.
My current job has a certain image it must maintain, and rightfully so. I love the guys and girls I work with there. Making a video starring myself could put them in a tough spot. I won’t put my coworkers in the crossfire of my potential backlash because I want to play “Follow Your Dream.” Not to mention if I lose my job my parents are left footing a hefty student loan bill. I’m not ready to accept the worst son of the year award.
Blogging gives me the anonymity to chase my dream job without jeopardizing anyone else’s current situation. So instead of my directorial debut for the Barstool Double Tap, I’ve decided to blog it in screenplay form.
My vision is to personify different social media apps. To show what it’s like waking up on a late weekend morning and falling into a phone vortex for three hours. But instead of a video of me opening and closing different apps, it’s me walking through sliding glass doors to an all white room, with a personified version of the app behind a help desk. Here I’ll just show you:
*I walk through the doors and Twitter is slumped in a chair wearing a dirty hoodie and pajama pants.*
Twitter: “What’s up man, welcome back. That didn’t take long lol.”
Me: “Whatever, what do you have for me?”
T: “Can I interest you in how President Biden plans to fix the mess that Trump made at the border?”
M: “No.”
T: “Ooooh I see. How about how Sleepy Joe is ruining all the progress that President Trump made at the border?”
M: “No.”
T: “Cool cool cool. I got one for you. People are dunking on the new Dear Evan Hansen movie. That’s fun right?”
M: “Never seen it.”
T: “That matters? Let off some steam, big guy. Everyone’s doing it, it’s a free jab.”
M: “Hardly seems appropriate.”
T: “You’re not going to make this easy huh? Oh sports! You love sports! How about Nick Saban talking about oatmeal cream pies?”
M: “Only for a few seconds.”
T: “Or this! Gerrit Cole getting booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium!”
M: “Now why would you… you know what I’m out of here.”
T: “WAIT WAIT KIM KARDASHIAN’S MET GALA OUTFIT WAS ACTUALLY….”
*Sliding doors open to Instagram. A guy and a girl are behind the desk, they have the same voice. The guy is wearing overalls and the girl has one of those trendy drill intructor looking hats on. They’re both drinking mimosas.*
Instagram: “Hello again, welcome to Instagram.”
Me: “I don’t know who’s posting pictures at this hour, but let’s give it a shot.”
I: “The amount of memes coming in right now is staggering. They’re so funny. Like so so funny. Here take a look.”
M: “No thanks. It’s kind of like you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all kind of thing for me. It’s just the same joke regurgitated.”
I: “Shit. We really thought you were here for the memes. Give me a minute. We’re going to have to keep going for awhile. Just looking for something more suited to what you’re in the mood for…..Ah! Here we are, Tik Toks!”
M: “Couldn’t I just go to Tik Tok for that?”
I: “I mean, yeah, but you’re already here right?”
M: “What else you got?”
I: “You’re not going to believe what LeBron said on Instagram live! Bleacher Report, ESPN, and House Of Highlights are all over it exclusively!”
I: “Hello? You there?”
*Snapchat is behind the desk. He’s a regular looking guy who can’t stop making model face poses trying to make himself look more handsome than he really is.*
Snapchat: “Whattup we got a bunch of dogs.”
Me: “Finally someone with some sense around here.”
S: “…Alright that’s all the dogs we got. That girl from your Stats class four years ago is cooking again. Wanna see?”
M: “No.”
S: “You sure?”
M: “Ok maybe just a peak.”
S: “…How was it? You want to see more people cooking? We’ve got tons of it.”
M: “I think I’ve seen enough cooking for today.”
S: “People messing with their parents?”
M: “Is it funny?”
S: “Not really.”
M: “Anything else Snapchat?”
S: “Yes actually, Mr. Attitude, there are actually people working out. Remember fitness?”
M: “Fuck you.”
S: “Do you want to watch people watching TV shows?”
M: “Why would I want to do that?”
S: “I honestly don’t know.”
M: “So…”
S: “So that’s actually the end of your friends list. However, we do have these sweet ‘Swipe Shows’ that people seem to really…”
*Tik Tok is a 19 year old with a face tattoo, a Metallica graphic tee, who dances the entire time.”
Tik Tok: “Sup.”Me: “Sup?”TT: “We’ve actually already tailored everything that you and everybody else likes. So take a scroll and start vibin.”M: “Can you stop dancing?”TT: “I don’t think so.” M: “Please try.” TT: “Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice?”M: “What? No?”TT: “Fine here’s nurses rapping about proper hygiene.”M: “I know how to wash my hands, thank you.”TT: “Would you rather see a hamster washing it’s hands?”M: “No?”TT: “…….”M: “Are those students boofing at a tailgate?”
TT: “! Learn facts about COVID-19.”M: “What the fuck was that?”TT: “I don’t know, watch Charli dance!”M: “Dude stop? You know how old she is?”TT: “You right. Here’s her sister instead!”
*Facebook is a middle aged woman. She has sunglasses on but you can tell she’s squinting underneath them. She has a short haircut and drawn on eyebrows.*
Facebook: “What’re you doing here?!”Me: “No idea.”F: “Isn’t there rioting in the streets?”M: “Not last I checked.”F: “I don’t know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page.”M: “I’d rather not.”F: “Did you watch the Emmy’s?! Or football this Sunday! All those celebrities and athletes! Not a single mask! But OUR CHILDREN must suffocate just to go to school!”M: “I don’t have kids, so I really don’t give a shit.”F: “This affects all of us, you should really educate yourself on Covid-19. I mean, have you seen your aunt’s Day 7 of having Covid picture from six months ago?”M: “Nope. And I don’t plan on it eith…”F: “Here ya go.”M: “Oh what the fuck.”F: “Meme.”M: “What?”F: “Nothing. Why don’t you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the severity of Coronavirus.”M: “Will you give it a rest?”F: “Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!”M: “Wait, how did you…”F: “What…oh…haha…nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?”M: “I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I’d rather not see how my ‘mature’ friends are doing.”F: “I think you should really reconsider watching… I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck shredding waves while spittin facts on the Rona?”M: “Oh fuck off.”
*Tinder can barely stand still behind the counter. She’s an attractive woman with too much energy. Every time the camera pans to her she’s wearing something different. The order goes as follows: a cocktail dress, her in a a hat and a hiking backpack, sweatpants with a dog, a baseball jersey with a beer in her hand, a bridesmaid dress, a ski outfit, and a bikini.*
Tinder: “Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!”Me: “What is it?”TD: “Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!”M: “Makes sense, fall is right around the corner.”TD: “Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here you have no like at all?”M: “Thanks for that.”TD: “Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you SuperLike someone and open up with a cheeky pick up line, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely! WOO!”M: “Not really my style.”TD: “What’re you waiting for? Try it! WOO!”M: “Can you stop doing that?”TD: “Doing what?!”M: “Forget it, I’m out.”TD: “WAIT for only $50 a month, we’ll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!”
*The sliding doors open but the camera is on my face instead of the help desk. I look defeated.”
Me: “I give up.”A chorus of different women: “Hi baby, we missed you!” *The screen cuts to black as the PornHub theme music plays in the background.*
It’s a bit lengthy, but it was mostly dialouge. Oh I almost forgot, #BarstoolSearch. Remember people, dream responsibly.
Tik Tok: “Sup.”Me: “Sup?”TT: “We’ve actually already tailored everything that you and everybody else likes. So take a scroll and start vibin.”M: “Can you stop dancing?”TT: “I don’t think so.” M: “Please try.” TT: “Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice?”M: “What? No?”TT: “Fine here’s nurses rapping about proper hygiene.”M: “I know how to wash my hands, thank you.”TT: “Would you rather see a hamster washing it’s hands?”M: “No?”TT: “…….”M: “Are those students boofing at a tailgate?”
TT: “! Learn facts about COVID-19.”M: “What the fuck was that?”TT: “I don’t know, watch Charli dance!”M: “Dude stop? You know how old she is?”TT: “You right. Here’s her sister instead!”
*Facebook is a middle aged woman. She has sunglasses on but you can tell she’s squinting underneath them. She has a short haircut and drawn on eyebrows.*
Facebook: “What’re you doing here?!”Me: “No idea.”F: “Isn’t there rioting in the streets?”M: “Not last I checked.”F: “I don’t know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page.”M: “I’d rather not.”F: “Did you watch the Emmy’s?! Or football this Sunday! All those celebrities and athletes! Not a single mask! But OUR CHILDREN must suffocate just to go to school!”M: “I don’t have kids, so I really don’t give a shit.”F: “This affects all of us, you should really educate yourself on Covid-19. I mean, have you seen your aunt’s Day 7 of having Covid picture from six months ago?”M: “Nope. And I don’t plan on it eith…”F: “Here ya go.”M: “Oh what the fuck.”F: “Meme.”M: “What?”F: “Nothing. Why don’t you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the severity of Coronavirus.”M: “Will you give it a rest?”F: “Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!”M: “Wait, how did you…”F: “What…oh…haha…nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?”M: “I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I’d rather not see how my ‘mature’ friends are doing.”F: “I think you should really reconsider watching… I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck shredding waves while spittin facts on the Rona?”M: “Oh fuck off.”
*Tinder can barely stand still behind the counter. She’s an attractive woman with too much energy. Every time the camera pans to her she’s wearing something different. The order goes as follows: a cocktail dress, her in a a hat and a hiking backpack, sweatpants with a dog, a baseball jersey with a beer in her hand, a bridesmaid dress, a ski outfit, and a bikini.*
Tinder: “Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!”Me: “What is it?”TD: “Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!”M: “Makes sense, fall is right around the corner.”TD: “Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here you have no like at all?”M: “Thanks for that.”TD: “Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you SuperLike someone and open up with a cheeky pick up line, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely! WOO!”M: “Not really my style.”TD: “What’re you waiting for? Try it! WOO!”M: “Can you stop doing that?”TD: “Doing what?!”M: “Forget it, I’m out.”TD: “WAIT for only $50 a month, we’ll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!”
*The sliding doors open but the camera is on my face instead of the help desk. I look defeated.”
Me: “I give up.”A chorus of different women: “Hi baby, we missed you!” *The screen cuts to black as the PornHub theme music plays in the background.*
It’s a bit lengthy, but it was mostly dialouge. Oh I almost forgot, #BarstoolSearch. Remember people, dream responsibly.
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