Did Everyone Know The Flash Actor Ezra Miller Was A Psycho?

Ezra Miller has had the cops called on him 10 times in the last month in Hawaii. With his craziest stunt yet being threatening the Bed and Breakfast couple he was staying with, but we’ll get to that. The countdown has officially begun to a mental health/drug addiction notes app apology. People aren’t too keen to having their super heroes arrested. Since DC and they’re a bit more dark, they’re dragging their feet. But this shit would not fly with Marvel.

Maybe Ezra’s a method actor. His personality sure comes off as someone who was looked over as a non-threat who’s actually capable of terrible things. Like The Flash. Or the orphan wizard that he plays in Fantastic Beasts that nearly destroys NYC. Or that time he played a school shooter in We Need To Talk About Kevin. Sensing a pattern here? His reality seems to be clashing with his characters. Characters that don’t face real life consequences. 

In a sense he’s right. Ezra Miller doesn’t play by the same rules as most of us. Take his relationship approach for example. After dating the likes of Shailene Woodley and Zoe Kravitz (Catwoman), Ezra didn’t find that quite fulfilling enough. He now dates a group of people, men and women, which he refers to as his “polycule”. After forming a connection with a new person, he admits them into his polycule and by default, everyone else he’s dating is now also dating the newly indoctrined member. I think? Here’s what he told Playboy about it, “And then they are in the squad- the polycule. And I know they’re going to love everyone else in the polycule because we’re in the polycule, and we love each other so much.” Who here can pull off dating forty or fifty or whatever number it is at once? Like I said, different set of rules. 

But I’ll tell you what rules he would abide by. 

As mentioned before, Ezra Miller has been having his way with Hawaii. Arguing with random people in public, filming people at gas stations, fucking with dudes playing darts, ripping microphones out of the hands of people singing at karaoke bars. Basically being a spoiled brat who thinks he can do whatever he wants.

It’s now surfaced that a couple in Hilo has filed a restraining order against Ezra Miller after he threatened the couple and stole their belongings. Apparently while staying in their Bed & Breakfast, Miller burst into their bedroom, taking their passports and wallets while telling the husband, “I will bury you and your slut wife.” 

I’m telling you right now….

I would bitch slap this motherfucker. From what I can gather on the internet, Ezra Miller is is 165 lbs. I would pick this little shit up by his ankles and keep him dangling in the air just so he could fully grasp just how little of a man he is. I’d walk to my phone with him still dangling and call the police. When the cops show up, I’d present him by the ankle like I’d caught a prized fish, while his face is beat red from the blood rush and constantly screaming shit like “Put me down this instant!”

I don’t give a fuck who he is or what he’s going through. You don’t get an entire life pass to do and say whatever you’re feeling every second of every day. I mean, he choked a female fan in Iceland for Christ sakes. No one is above being punched in the face. What Ezra Miller needs is to get his face smushed in the dirt. 

Ranking The Strangest NJ Trash Found At This Beach Sweep

During the winter, the New Jersey creatures crawl out of their holes to reclaim their beach domain. It’s reverse hibernation. You know that three bedroom house you split at the Jersey Shore that says it sleeps  18 people? Yeah those belong to crackheads in the winter for 1/20th the price you paid for summer. Anything that can happen does happen. Governor Murphy’s Law. Sherlock Holmes himself couldn’t figure out what this trash was used for during this beach clean up. But I can. 

25. Mason Jars Filled With Liquor

The South doesn’t have a monopoly on moonshine?

24. A Thong

You slutted it up all summer, don’t judge our winters.

23. Turkish Air Hygiene Kit

Honestly I’m just happy their was an attempt at hygiene, I don’t care where it came from. 

22. Empty Drug Baggies

Everyone enjoys watching a nice sunrise on the beach. 

21. A Glue Stick

For arts and crafts, duh?

20. A Mini Fridge

The best part about a mini fridge is you can place them where you otherwise wouldn’t have a refrigerator. 

19. A Partial Windshield

Hiding evidence. 

18. A Plastic Monkey

Hell yeah. 

17. A “Hunk Of Human Hair”

Does anyone know Trevor Bauer’s whereabouts this winter? 

16. Male Enhancement Pills

See above^^^. 

15. A Check For $1

Something is always better than nothing. 

14. A Used Narcan Kit

Shoot up responsibly. 

13. Tampon Applicators 

Aka Jersey beach whistles. What if there’s a shark?

12. A Bullet Casing

Extreme fishing. 

11. A Toilet Brush

Best way to get the sand off. 

10. Glow In The Dark Condom

Cosmic bowling meets sex on the beach. 

9. A TV Remote

It’s always the last place you check. 

8. A Lottery And A Parking Ticket

Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

7. Full Set Of Dentures

Unfortunately, probably we’re taken out after the glow up rubber was flashed. Fortunate for someone though. 

6. Rosary Beads

God was abandoned on this beach. 

5. A Partial Bowling Ball

Honestly, no clue. 

4. An Accordian

Ok, there’s a sweet old man who plays an accordion year round at my beach and now I’m very nervous for him. 

3. CD Holder Filled With Limp Bizkit Albums

Anyone who still listens to Limp Bizkit does hard drugs. Someone told this guy to bring music for their dope circle and he didn’t fully understand the assignment. 

2. Set Of Braces

Orthodontists are too damn expensive these days. 

1. A Fake Eyeball

Have you ever seen someone take one of these out? Slippery little bastards. If it was dropped in the sand it belongs to the beach now. All the eye juice soaked up the sand and you can’t put that back in your socket. 

No one puts on a pretty face quite like the Jersey Shore. All of these beach sweeps are done by local volunteers. It’s a nice community day to be grossed out and talk shit. But it’s hard work. So I want you to remember their sacrifice when you’re nursing your hangover over a Kohl’s orange vanilla swirl with rainbow sprinkles while flashbacks of sweating it up on the dance floor with your neighbor from three houses down flash across your brain. Your summer of mistakes is only possible due to the good local folks who clean up after you’ve gone. 

Betting MLB Rookie Of The Year Longshots

This is one of the most interesting years for rookies in the MLB. If you happened to pay attention that nightmare of a lockout I’m sure you heard or read about time manipulation quite a few times. Very long story short if you’re unaware of what time manipulation is, it’s essentially keeping rookies in the minors longer so the owners can pay them less money. I don’t know if it’s owners operating in good faith post-lockout, but there are A LOT of top rookies that look like they’ll make the opening day roster. 

Oddly enough, both favorites to win the award will most likely start the season in Triple A. The current betting favorites are Bobby Witt Jr. of the Royals and Oneil Cruz from Pittsburgh. The Royals haven’t optioned Witt just yet but being that they cock teased us last year with giving him an Opening Day spot only for him not to play a single major league game doesn’t give me much confidence. Oneil Cruz was sent down to Triple-A today because the Pirates are the Pirates. But don’t expect him to be held down for too long. He’s a freak of nature as a 6’7”(!) shortstop who bounces balls off the moon. But we’re not here for favorites. 

Part of my reasoning for these picks will be sheer volume. All of these rookies are expected to have a role from April 7th on. It’s the Gary Sanchez rule. Gary should have won the ROY over Michael Fulmer his year but due to a late call up, Gary got shafted. So without further adieu. 

NATIONAL LEAGUE

3. Nick Lodolo CIN P +4000 BSSportsbook 

Everyone loves a good lefty. After the Reds traded away their top performers like Jesse Winker, Eugenio Suarez, and Sonny Gray, cracks were made to be slipped through. Lodolo has all but solidified a spot in an otherwise depleted Reds’ rotation. But damnit if he didn’t earn it. The former seventh overall pick has only allowed one run, through 7.1 innings pitched, one walk, and nine strikeouts this spring. MLB currently has him sitting as the 42nd overall prospect. 

2. McKenzie Gore SDP P +3300 BSSportsbook 

To say the McKenzie Gore hype train has lost some passengers would be an understatement. As the third overall pick out of high school in 2017, Gore was touted as sure as a sure thing could get. At 19 in Double-A he posted a 1.69 era which garnered him a Top 5 overall spot in prospect rankings for years. But the Padres kept trading for pitchers over and over and over again. In the last two seasons they’ve traded for their entire rotation- Joe Musgrove, Yu Darvish, Blake Snell, and Mike Clevinger. So wtf? Well  Gore apparently was having control issues stemming from a blister issue. His fall from grace has landed him in the 86th spot on MLB’s Top Prospects. But hold on…THAT’S MCKENZIE GORE’S MUSIC! Spring has done wonders for the former Top 5 prospect. In his last outing he threw three scoreless innings while whiffing five. Bringing his spring total to seven scoreless innings pitched. With a fastball in the mid-90’s, above average slider and curveball, I expect Gore to rack up wins with this talent stacked Padres team. 

1. CJ Abrams SDP SS +900

Remember when Fernando Tatis Jr. was moved to the outfield last year, and people thought “Hmm that’s a weird thing to do to a guy you just gave 340 million dollars to?” Yeah, enter CJ Abrams. Drafted 6th overall out of high school in 2019, Abrams showcased his talent immediately by winning the Arizona Rookie League MVP with a .401 average and swiping 14 bags in 32 games. He’s an above average hitter with decent pop and a good frame. Abram’s speed kills. He has the highest graded run tool amongst the top prospects. CJ is currently rated the 9th overall prospect in baseball. One’s man tragedy is another man’s opportunity. With Tatis out for three months, CJ Abrams should get his chance to prove he belongs. 

AMERICAN LEAGUE

3. Cristian Pache OAK OF +5000 DraftKings

FYI BSSportsbook still has him in the National League. Since Cristian Pache signed with the Braves in the International Draft in 2015 he’s found himself towards the top of the Top Prospects list. His fielding and speed are off the charts. Everyone is just waiting for his bat to catch up. After making the Braves Opening Day lineup last year, things were looking up. Unfortunately, after struggling early Pache was sent back down. He started to heat up from August on posting a slash line of .296/.349/.438. Cristian’s improvement at the plate earned him a decent amount of major league time during the Braves’ postseason run. During the off-season, Pache was the centerpiece in the Matt Olson trade between the A’s and Braves. Clearly Oakland is still buying stock in 23 year old if they gave up their best offensive player for him. With center fielder Ramon Laureano still serving 27 more games of his suspension, Pache should start the season with a “prove it” lineup spot. 

2. Reid Detmers LAA P +2500 BSSportsbook

Reid Detmers is a strikeout artist. So far this spring he’s had five scoreless innings with ten K’s. Just an angry amount of strikeouts. Angels drafted him 10th overall in 2020 out of Louisville. Detmers currently sits at the 21st spot of overall prospects. The Angels are getting back a healthy Mike Trout and Anthony Rendon. Jo Adell and Jared Walsh have elite power. Couple that with the most electrifying player in baseball, Shohei Ohtani, and I think you have more than enough potential wins for Detmers. Padding the stats in the wins and strikeout columns could be enough for the ROY nod. 

1. Jeremy Peña HOU SS +1200 BSSportsbook

Jeremy Peña was drafted out of the University of Maine for his flashy glove. But since turning pro his power has turned on. After returning last year from a wrist injury that cost him most of the season, Peña hit 10 dingers in only 30 Triple-A games. If you wondered why the Astros were so calm about letting Carlos Correa walk, this is why. Peña has the pop and speed to be a consistent 20/20 player, with an above average glove to boot. So far this spring Peña has hit .364 with three RBIs. Sure, it’s a small sample size but that hasn’t stopped the Astros from hyping him up. Former MVP Jose Altuve commented on the rookie saying, “He’s going to be a superstar. I can tell by his attitude. He cares. He wants to be the best.” Now that’s kind of a homer quote coming from a teammate, but opponents have said the same thing. Here’s what Robinson Cano had to say about Peña: “He’s an athlete. He can run. He can move, hit for power too. For me, he has all the tools. He’s going to be a superstar for sure.” With Correa gone, it’s likely that Peña can find himself slotted lead off on an already stacked Astros lineup. Opportunity plus multiple All-Stars dropping the dropping the “s-word” is good enough for my number one longshots pick. 

Baseball is right around the corner. About damn time. I was supposed to be in Vegas for Opening Day, fuckin lockout. But hey, given the way winter went I’ll take an early April start any day. With Ohtani and Soto making MVP no fun to bet on, we’re doing rookies this year. But remember, bet responsibly. 

PSA: Don’t Send Nudes To Catfish Profiles

Objectively speaking, people getting catfished is funny. We love seeing people getting tricked as long as it’s not us. There’s a whole MTV show dedicated to this premise. We point and laugh and say look at this idiot, how did they not know? If you pull back the layers, is it sad? Yeah probably, but sad things can be funny too. 

My best friend got catfished in high school. It was amazing. A very attractive girl with a very newly created profile added me and all of my friends on Facebook. As well as various other males in our area. My buddy took the cheese. We had no idea it was happening until his girlfriend at the time went through his phone and caught him. With the word out that he was texting another girl daily we confronted him. Low and behold it was the same girl who messaged all of us, that no one but him answered. He defended the validity of her existence. What choice did he have? He even showed us selfies she sent him to prove his point. Selfies, we pointed out, that were very google-able. So gathered around his phone, we had him give the girl specific instructions to prove she’s real. She cursed him out and couldn’t send the picture. Cause it was probably a dude. He turned beat red as we laughed and laughed and laughed. 

Kind of a victimless crime though, no? Besides my buddy’s ex girlfriend I suppose. But catfishing has taken on a whole new level. 

I don’t have the statistics, but I can confidently say that the number one way to be blackmailed today is by starting an internet relationship with someone you’ve never met. I don’t know how they pick and chose who to target but I’m sure it has something to do with watching porn on your phone. It’s only a theory but c’mon, you know it’s true. 

You can be texting for weeks, months even until they make their move. Things get hot and steamy. You send some texts that you know the boys would roast you for. But then you’re social media sweetheart asks for the nudes. Why someone would send themselves naked to somebody they’ve never seen before is beyond me. 

If your face isn’t in the picture and they try and squeeze you for money, you’re golden. That’s their mistake, say it could be anybody and they won’t have a leg to stand on. But if your face is in the picture, let’s face it, youre fucked. 

I know this one kid who started a “relationship” through Instagram. Very much out of his league but hope can do strange things to rational people. She sent him some racy photos (understatement) and asked him to return the favor. As soon as he sent his dick and balls, she sent back a list of his Instagram friends that that picture would be sent to if he didn’t Zelle her five grand. He didn’t have the money, the catfish kept their word. 

It isn’t always nudes either. I know another kid who didn’t come from much money. He was a bit dorky in high school but girls started to give him more attention as he grew a knack for making smart investments. Young guy, twenty-four years old. Same thing, a girl hit him up on Instagram. He admitted to wanting to impress her and told her all about his investments. She, as luck would have it, was an investor herself. She let him in on a couple investments that were a “sure thing” that they could do together. 75k and 0 responses later, he knew he’d been conned. 

It’s not always men being catfished either. Unfortunately I know one woman, grown, kids of her own, who fell for a Facebook relationship. She had been divorced for two years, her dog had just died, and her knight in shining armor had shown up just in time. She told this man her hopes, dreams, and fears. She shared really intimate stuff. Sadly too intimate. The second she sent herself naked to the guy messaging her in broken English he responded by demanding money from her. He told her he’d send the photo to all her friends and family if she didn’t. She sent him 10k to hush it all up. They didn’t stop there, weeks later he asked for another 10k. When she told him she couldn’t afford that, he sent the pictures to her kids, friends, and co-workers. The stuff of nightmares. 

If you find yourself literally caught with your pants down, don’t send the money. They’ll send out your pictures either way. It’s better to be naked and embarrassed than naked, embarrassed, and broke. 

All of these horror stories are 100% true. Little fyi, I just now realized that I made it sound that this happened to me. It did not. I’ll swear on anything you ask me too. 

With our grandparents generation they exploited family ties and scammed by asking for fake bail money for their grandparents. With our parents generation, they saw their hopes to get rich quick and hit them with the fake inheritance scam. We sat back and laughed at how they were idiots who couldn’t responsibly navigate the internet. Then the scammers realized how horny we all are, and now we’re on the chopping block. Keep your dignity, keep your money, don’t be catfished. Be a champion today, rub one out like the rest of us lonelies. 

Miami Man Steals $15k Worth Of Left Shoes

You all thought Alfred was bullshitting when he said, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Queue the Riff Raff, Tip toein in my jawwdan’s.This man is either a peg legged shoe pirate or he revels in watching the world delve deeper into chaos. OR he’s just the dumbest criminal of all time. 

You can watch the video of this criminal mastermind here accompanied by an article from Miami’s Channel 7 News. If I may, I’d like to take a crack at some of the things mentioned in the article. 

“When the crook couldn’t get into Luxe Miami from the front of the store, he decided to get inside by cutting a hole in the roof.”

It goes on to say that this all occurred at 2:30. AM. In Miami. Okay so clearly we’re not dealing with so calculated attack here. I know drunk behavior when I see it, and this is a drunk man. Which would also explain the whole only taking the left shoes bit. Sober criminals don’t try the front door first. 

“These crooks, they actually made three holes on top of the roof, two of them not being in this business..” 

I’m sorry crooks? CrookS, like with an “s”? Crooks makes it sound like this was a predmeditated heist that was planned out by multiple people. Like they lowered the guy in Mission Impossible style and no one argued when he sent back up only left shoes. Three holes made in the roof, the first two were in the wrong store. That’s because the guy was hammered.

If you want to catch the Left Foot Bandit, make a list of every bar and club in a two mile radius. Ask for every surveillance footage from 1:00 to 2:30 and watch the guy walk out. Once you pin down the bar see what card he used for his tab and there you have it. 

The poor owner went on to say that he just wants the shoes back and wouldn’t even turn the guy into the police. Unfortunately for him, there’s two types of people who wake up after a night of drinking and fucking up. The kind that wake up and see 100 left footed Yeezy’s and Jordan’s and think oh fuck I need to fix this. And then kind that says I’m going to pretend this never happened, get rid of the evidence I don’t want to look at it. Let’s hope for the former. 

Heisman Winner Bryce Young Could Have Brought Alabama To The Sweet 16

Sadly, the Alabama basketball season came to a close this past weekend. We don’t have to get into how unfair it is to play Notre Dame so close to St. Patrick’s Day. Coming on the heels of a Sweet 16 appearance last year I had high hopes for the program this year. Year three of the Nate Oats project was underwhelming to say the least. 

This is the most Jekyll and Hyde team I’ve ever come across. They beat three of last year’s Final Four teams with wins over Gonzaga, Baylor, and Houston. Then turn around and get waxed by two teams under .500 in Missouri and Georgia. 

What was this team missing? A leader. A superior athlete with a proven leadership pedigree. One like Alabama’s own, Bryce Young. 

https://twitter.com/overtime/status/1504503298044350465?s=21

Bryce Young is absolutely balling out in that video above. Cookin dudes. Snatching ankles, pulling up from the 50 yard line, lockdown defense, tear drops that would make Steph Curry blush, the guy can do it all. It doesn’t matter that the opponents look like the YMCA JV squad. Talent is talent. 

Unfortunately for us, and Nate Oats, Nick Saban is notoriously strict on two way athletes. People forget, that’s how the Tide lost out on Birmingham native Jameis Winston to Florida State. So I guess we’ll never know. 

I said before this tournament started that this team would only go as far as Jahvon Quinerly takes them. Well he took us about three minutes into the first half before his knee exploded. Wish him the best. But if there’s one silver lining here, always remember that Auburn’s best team in school history couldn’t even make it to the Sweet 16. They lost to the same Miami team that the Tide smoked 96-64. So itso facto we’re their boss. Poor Eagle. 

Different Types Of March Madness Bettors

There are two times in a calendar year that make me believe in magic like I did as a child: post season baseball and the March Madness tournament. During these events superstition isn’t some whacky fantasy, it’s an art form. Switching seats can have you tarred and feathered, hats become artifacts, and leaving the room for a piss can cost you your viewership if someone goes on a timely run. With gambling legalizing inch by inch, this practice has increased tenfold. 

My friends and I take off of work every year for the first day of the tournament. It’s been a tradition ever since we’ve had jobs. We take over a bar that we know will be empty at 11:00am and slowly slip into the madness as more and more people file in after they clock out. It’s difficult to pry your eyes from the screens but if you take a second to look around you’ll see the various forms of gamblers in their natural habitat. 

PARLAY GUY

Parlay guy is just there for a good time. He doesn’t know shit about shit but he’s not going to miss this now rare chance to day drink. The parlay bettor orders a round of fireball shots under two minutes in a one possession game. He’s shooting for the moon and keeps telling everyone if he hits big we’re going to the strip club. 

THE LIVE BETTOR

This is the guy who thinks he’s cracked the secret code because he bet Gonzaga when they were down six at the beginning of the game. Live betting has always been avaible but somehow this guy now thinks he’s smarter than everyone for “discovering” it. They peacock around the room when it pays off. But if they don’t hit they shrug and say “I knew they were probably out of it but it was worth the odds.” 

$10 BRACKET GUY

Easily the worst person in the room. While some people are worried about how they’re going to make their next car payment this guy is losing his ever loving mind on each possession for bragging rights in his shitty office. He smirks out “I had that one” after every win as you’re trying to figure out the best way to claw back.

THE VETERAN

This guy still has an off shore account despite the multiple legal sportsbooks. He either started off humble and got hot or started off hot and got humbled. They’re suspiciously quiet as they suck their teeth and grip the bar too tight on long threes. You’re not sure who they have money on until there’s an alley oop or a transition block. 

THE “I TOLD YOU SO” GUY

This person doesn’t bet for themselves, they gamble so other people know they gamble. They’ve bet every 12 seed so when they inevitably upset a 5 they get to call everyone a fuckin idiot who “didn’t see it coming”. This guy is the same dude who just so happens to announce how much he has on a game every time the bartender comes around like that’s somehow going to impress her. 

THE FAKE HOMER

This is the person who says they’re a fan of team but would struggle naming the starting five. They’ve maybe watched three games all season but now all of a sudden every offensive rebound is life or death. A lot of the times they just like the football program so that somehow translates to March Madness loyalty. Or even worse, the guy who’s Dad took him to a St. Peter’s game when they were young because it’s 35 minutes up the parkway. No, you didn’t know they were going to beat Kentucky, you stupid liar. 

_______________________________________________

If anyone pretends like they know what’s going to happen they’re lying to you. They don’t call it March Madness by accident. Majority of the people having a good weekend just stumbled onto the right side of luck. For the rest of us, our fate hangs in the balance of those 10:00 slots- hoping, praying, and pleading that the madness falls in our favor just one last time.