What are raisins? A terrible snack that shows up unexpectedly that nobody wants. Which is ironic, since they’re made from grapes that nobody wants. So their entire existence is filled with neglect and abandonment. Raisins are dried up grapes that have a consistency that’s more slimy than juicy to the touch. The Sun Maid packaging looks like it’s from 1978 because that’s probably the last time somebody opened one of those little boxes. Even though they’re all the worst, there has to be a worst of the worst and best of the worst. So let’s get to it.
The Worst:
3. Raisins In Potato Salad
The quickest and most efficient way to get your invite permanently revoked from any BBQ. You’re lucky they don’t throw you in jail. I’m a firm believer that anyone who does this is just trying to get rid of their raisin stock that nobody eats in their home. Pretty much any time I’m eating potato salad I’ve already tied one on. Theres nothing worse than that feeling of eating your mayo-y potatoes and then tasting something sweet thinking “Omg wtf was that.” It camouflages in the mayo so that you didn’t even realize it when you scooped. When you start inspecting it, it looks like a bunch of dead flies in your food. When you find out it’s raisins, you realize you’d rather it was flies.
2. Raisins In Your Halloween Candy
It’s the end of the night, you’re sweaty, and still in half of your costume. You and your siblings have dumped out your candy bags on the carpet to start wheeling and dealing trades. Then you see that stupid pilgrim lady box smirking at you knowing that she doesn’t belong. What decade do you think it is Gertrude? Why are you giving these out to children? Give me that chalk candy, or Jujubes ready to rip my teeth out from the root, pennies even, if you must. Anything but your raisins. A child’s Halloween bag is not your trash can.
1. Raisin Children
Maybe the only lifetime contract that humans sign. Even marriage isn’t as final as being a parent. Even if you don’t like it, I imagine you have to grin and bear it. Whether you’re enjoying yourself or not, humans are contractually bound to throw it in everyone’s face on Instagram and Facebook that they’re raising a child. “Georgie had his first solid food today!” No he didn’t, that’s mushy carrot. Nobody cares, I want my friends back.
The Best:
3. Raisin Hell With The Boys
What do you get when you have a generation babysat by a TV with Stone Cold Steve Austin on it. You get what you fuckin deserve. Whether it’s boozin all day on golf carts, taking a boat out without knowing how to fish, or striking out at the bars only to throw up in the backyard of an Airbnb, there’s nothing better than collectively throwing caution to the wind. Catch beers twenty yards out, shotgun, and turn those middle fingers front ward.
2. Raisin Canes
I don’t know why the south feels the need to gatekeep chicken joints but it’s bullshit. The simplicity of the menu, the unique taste of the sauce, and the charm of a workforce who knows you can’t complain when there’s only one option of the menu, the whole experience - unmatched. If youre eating at Raisin Cane’s you already know whatsup. The only downside is going with a cole slaw snob who argues with you when you sub it out for extra toast. I don’t like cole slaw, get over it.
1. Ruby Roman Raisins
The Ruby Roman of Japan is the most expensive grape in the world. About four times the size of a regular grape, they’re the juiciest in the world. Color, size, and sweetness can have them categorized into three separate grades of Superior, Super Superior, and Premium. There are years where none of the Ruby Romans are blessed with a Premium grade. Given the difficulty to harvest and unparalleled taste, the Ruby Roman is one of the most rare fruits in the world. In 2020 there were only 25k bunches sold. One of those bunches sold at auction for $12,000 making it about $400 per grape. This would be the only raisin worth eating.
For the record this is no shade at all. I love what John Rich did with his raisin blog and I think he’s hilarious. When I saw it on the wheel I thought fuck that sounds difficult. I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it.
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