There are two times in a calendar year that make me believe in magic like I did as a child: post season baseball and the March Madness tournament. During these events superstition isn’t some whacky fantasy, it’s an art form. Switching seats can have you tarred and feathered, hats become artifacts, and leaving the room for a piss can cost you your viewership if someone goes on a timely run. With gambling legalizing inch by inch, this practice has increased tenfold.
My friends and I take off of work every year for the first day of the tournament. It’s been a tradition ever since we’ve had jobs. We take over a bar that we know will be empty at 11:00am and slowly slip into the madness as more and more people file in after they clock out. It’s difficult to pry your eyes from the screens but if you take a second to look around you’ll see the various forms of gamblers in their natural habitat.
PARLAY GUY
Parlay guy is just there for a good time. He doesn’t know shit about shit but he’s not going to miss this now rare chance to day drink. The parlay bettor orders a round of fireball shots under two minutes in a one possession game. He’s shooting for the moon and keeps telling everyone if he hits big we’re going to the strip club.
THE LIVE BETTOR
This is the guy who thinks he’s cracked the secret code because he bet Gonzaga when they were down six at the beginning of the game. Live betting has always been avaible but somehow this guy now thinks he’s smarter than everyone for “discovering” it. They peacock around the room when it pays off. But if they don’t hit they shrug and say “I knew they were probably out of it but it was worth the odds.”
$10 BRACKET GUY
Easily the worst person in the room. While some people are worried about how they’re going to make their next car payment this guy is losing his ever loving mind on each possession for bragging rights in his shitty office. He smirks out “I had that one” after every win as you’re trying to figure out the best way to claw back.
THE VETERAN
This guy still has an off shore account despite the multiple legal sportsbooks. He either started off humble and got hot or started off hot and got humbled. They’re suspiciously quiet as they suck their teeth and grip the bar too tight on long threes. You’re not sure who they have money on until there’s an alley oop or a transition block.
THE “I TOLD YOU SO” GUY
This person doesn’t bet for themselves, they gamble so other people know they gamble. They’ve bet every 12 seed so when they inevitably upset a 5 they get to call everyone a fuckin idiot who “didn’t see it coming”. This guy is the same dude who just so happens to announce how much he has on a game every time the bartender comes around like that’s somehow going to impress her.
THE FAKE HOMER
This is the person who says they’re a fan of team but would struggle naming the starting five. They’ve maybe watched three games all season but now all of a sudden every offensive rebound is life or death. A lot of the times they just like the football program so that somehow translates to March Madness loyalty. Or even worse, the guy who’s Dad took him to a St. Peter’s game when they were young because it’s 35 minutes up the parkway. No, you didn’t know they were going to beat Kentucky, you stupid liar.
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If anyone pretends like they know what’s going to happen they’re lying to you. They don’t call it March Madness by accident. Majority of the people having a good weekend just stumbled onto the right side of luck. For the rest of us, our fate hangs in the balance of those 10:00 slots- hoping, praying, and pleading that the madness falls in our favor just one last time.
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