Monday, May 9, 2022

Idiots Miss Out On Selling 2k Year Old Statue


I love all things antiquing. I’m the king of Goodwill’s online store, I go to estate sales when old richies croak, yard sales, auctions, you name it. Garbage picker essentially. I just love the idea of getting one over on the idiot who didn’t realize what they had. It’s not morally airtight, but there’s no room for that kind of thought in the “buying dead people’s shit” game. 

Which brings me to these morons. Laura Young, a fellow garbage picker, was perusing the Goodwill store in Austin, Texas when she came across a piece of art that peaked her interest. It was a fifty-two pound marble bust for $35. Bit pricey for a Goodwill, but why the hell not? 

After consulting with experts and auction houses, Sotheby’s confirmed the bust was a 2,000 year old Roman artifact of a military leader. The statue went missing from a German museum’s storage during World War II. Are you fucking kidding me? This is the holy grail. This is what we play for. So what does Laura do? Fumbles at the one yard line. 

There’s no talk in the article of compensation for Laura’s find. But it is currently on display in a San Antonio museum which isn’t a very good sign. The fact that we even know where this thing is means Laura probably got a $35 refund and a sturdy pat on the back. 

If I found this thing? You’d never even know. I don’t know what the black market is or where to find it but you better believe I’d find out if I had a 2,000 year old stolen Roman statue on my hands. What does that go for? 5 million dollars? I don’t know the market for stolen ancient Roman artifacts, old books are more my thing. I could be 4.5 million off, but I doubt it. 2,000 years old? Jesus Christ himself could have walked past this thing. 
The article explains that Germany “technically” still owns the bust since it was stolen. Yeah fucking right. This thing is old-old, it answers to old laws. Finders keepers takes precedent here. You think this ROMAN statue was originally found in Bavaria? They stole that shit too. Germany would have to cough up a king’s ransom to get this off of me or pry it from my cold dead hands. 
Laura wants to track down the original donater, which proved unsuccessful after a rigorous Craigslist campaign. Sweetie, it was found at a Goodwill, stolen during World War II. He’s dead. And before anyone even thinks of coming for my man for stealing this from a museum, take a second to think. Germany was notorious for stealing and destroying art during World War II. Would you rather that, or it end up in the hands of the good guys? To a man who left his family to travel half way around the world to settle a continent’s scores that he didn’t belong too. You rather that man have it, or in the hands of a meth addicted genocidal maniac. Seems like a small price to pay for liberation. How about, you’re welcome, Germany. 
So many people dropped the ball here. Not the original theif, I understand why he’d want to keep it hush-hush and or keep it. But his children giving it to Goodwill? The Goodwill that slapped a $35 price tag on it? Laura Young who was smart enough to get it appraised and dumb enough to give it away? All dumb-dumbs.
Just goes to show, if something seems too good to be true, keep your trap shut. Loose lips sink ships. If Laura Young wasn’t so excited to tell everyone what she’d found she’d probably be sipping margaritas on a beach right now. 

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