Aziz Ansari dropped a mini special on Netflix called “Nightclub Comedian”. It’s been out for about a month now but I just got around to it. It feels very ‘back the basics’ as Aziz finds himself in The Comedy Cellar on a barstool just shootin the shit for 30 min. Which we find out is fitting since Aziz slowly reveals he’s taking a similar lifestyle approach.
Aziz was big canceled for a bit there. I’m not sure what the outcome of that was but Netflix seems to be cool with it. I’ve seen some Tweets bashing the special, mainly stemming from the serious undertone of the performance. I’ll agree that it was a bit political for my taste but I still enjoyed it. Plus if you can’t laugh at someone making a joke about your side of the fence then you’re a wiener.
The biggest shocker of the special was when Aziz whipped out his flip phone mid-special. He must fancy himself a modern day Thoreau. It’s not Walden level extreme, but certainly a simplistic lifestyle by today’s standards.
Which got me thinking what would I miss the most if I gave up my iPhone. Here are my top five.
5. Social Media
I shoot this shit into my veins. I think I would initially I’d be jonesing with withdrawl but I’d be better off around the turn. I can’t imagine the amount of time I would have on my hands. I’d probably be an astronaut. The potential benefits land Social Media in the last spot. No Tik Tok would be fuckin tough though.
4. Maps/GPS
I’m not sure if they even sell those clunker monitors that we used to suction to our windshields anymore. I’d be utterly useless without a lady robot voice telling me where to turn. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have to read signs and pay attention to distances while driving. And if I had to use an actual paper map like I’m fuckin Lewis and Clark I just wouldn’t go.
3. Keyboard Texting
Today’s kids will never know the pain of being in a dire conversation with your crush and using up fifteen minutes to get three text messages back and forth. I was a wizard with T9 Word but I couldn’t go back to that amount of editing because the dumb phone couldn’t keep up with my vocabulary. God forbid you had to type out a curse or slang you’d have to convert back to ABC texting. The worst people in the world were the people too technologically illetarate to use T9. If you used ABC texting you might as well have sent a carrier pigeon.
2. Looking Up Random Facts
I get into arguments every single day. I’m a gunslinger with daily appointments at high noon and skin an iPhone 12 out of my holster. Just today I got into an argument with a Red Sox fan who told me it was embarassing that the Yankees are retiring Paul O’Neil’s number. In under two minutes I gave him Carlton Fisk’s (Sox retired his number) stats with Boston which were 1,097 hits, 162 home runs, 568 RBIs, .284 BA, .837 OPS and 0 championships. Compared to Paul O’Neil’s time with the Yankees with 1,426 hits, 185 home runs, 858 RBIs, .303 BA, .869 OPS, and five World Series rings. Case closed. I win again. With a flip phone I’d be caught with my pants down during everyone argument, I’d never know what that actor’s from while watching a show, and unable to update myself on the James Webb Space Telescope.
1. Group Chats
Back in my day when you texted multiple people at once, you’d receive all the responses individually. I can’t revert back to that. Without my groupchats I’d lose all my friends. Long distance would never hear from me again. Local friends would never see me again. Group chats are the heartline to all my social interactions. Whenever I go to a bar, go out to eat, or find myself at an event it’s because it was posted in the chat first. Imagine having to individually text one person every time a group makes plans? I don’t trust my friends to do that, I know I wouldn’t. I don’t know if that says more about them or me…
Verdict: couldn’t do it. Sounds refreshing in theory but I’d never pull it off. There’s no reason to make life less convenient for sanity’s sake. Not to mention, this whole premise is based on a punchline. If Aziz Ansari thinks I’m buying his flip phone bullshit he’s got another thing coming.
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