Teenagers are the meanest species alive. They hold nothing sacred, they have no decency, and are often downright cruel. But sometimes, they pull off the funniest shit. Don’t get me wrong, this prank I’m about to tell you about was malicious, but still unbelievably funny.
I was informed by neighbors that there was a crazy man going around knocking on doors at 1:00 am. I go and check the houses that were supposedly knocked on and don’t see a soul. Nothing broken, nothing out of place, nothing seemingly happening. Maybe it was kids playing Ding Dong ditch or something. I’m about to give up when I see a car coming down the road at a creepily low speed. I motion to the car to stop and the driver rolls down the window.
Because I was raised with respect, I looked the man in the eyes as I spoke with him. The guy’s about thirty. Not to be sacrilegious, but he had a beard and hair that looked like he styled it after every Jesus poster that hung in the halls of my Catholic elementary school. He tells me he was trying to contact a friend and must have had the wrong house. But his eyes were bulging out of his head. Not in a crazy way like I was previously told, but in a nervous kind of way. He was shaking uncontrollably.
You have to understand, this is a dark residential neighborhood. Street lamps that have been there since the seventies. Whatever dim light they were capable of casting was blocked out by tall trees. But as my eyes began to adjust to the dark, I got the whole picture. The driver must have seen the realization on my face.
“I can explain.”
What I originally thought was a black wife beater was evidently a lace one-piece woman’s lingerie. Very, very, see through. The shapes on the floor below the passenger seat was a sea of dildos. The lipstick in his cup holder was still twisted open.
“Wha…Uhhh…”
I tried my best to stay serious but this was the first time I had literally caught someone with their pants down. This stranger didn’t look guilty, he looked embarrassed. He had a sheepish nervous grin on and told me it was ok to laugh. He must have seen me struggling. That was all the consent I needed, I lost it.
When I regained my composure, I asked him what the hell is going on. He was stuttering and still pretty high strung. So I told him I’m not here to judge him that I just need to make sure nothing inappropriate was occurring. I explained that knocking on people’s doors at 1:00 while a nuisance, isn’t illegal. So if he had an explanation like he originally stated, now was a damn good time to come out with it.
He let out a deep sigh and showed me his grindr profile. Sure as shit, the house he was knocking on was the address he was instructed to meet at. Along with very descriptive back and forth of what the two meeting up were planning to do to each other. Accompanied by a whole lot of pictures of very large black penises.
When I was convinced that everything the driver thought was going to occur was a consensual agreement between two adult profiles, I instructed him to put his phone away.
“Hey man, it’s all good. You like what you like, nothing wrong with that.” And then through gritted teeth I said, “I guess tonight didn’t go as planned, huh?”
He replied, “I just knew it too. I knew it was too good to be true.”
Before he left I asked him what happened to his car. It was beat to shit. Cracked windows, carved up door, and mirrors hanging off. He said “Crazy girlfriend!”
“Alright get the fuck out of here, I have no idea what’s happening and the more questions I ask, the more confused I am.”
The house that he was sent to had a registered sex offender living there. It’s public knowledge because of Megan’s Law. It’s a theory, but also probably a fact, that a bunch of kids got bored and made a grindr profile and sent a bunch of horned up dudes in lingerie to a pervert’s house. The victim here was really the bi-sexual crossdressing dildo-wielding Jesus who was only trying to let his freak flag fly.
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