My grandparents at 23 years old moved to a foreign country (here), three kids, not knowing a single soul, with only the money in their pocket. My grandfather carried around a picture of his daughters in his wallet. My parents were pretty normal. My little brother had a mullet for a little bit and maybe there’s one too many pictures where my mom made us match outfits but otherwise normal. But today? This new batch of parents who think they’re the first people to ever have children? Every trend. Every hour.
You know when you see an old picture of yourself as a toddler in some whacky costume and weird haircut and ask your parents what the fuck were you thinking? They’ll say something like “Everyone was doing it!” or “That was the style then!” You can see fads aging badly in real time every day on Instagram. We don’t need an update every month on that stupid blanket with the month circled. Then you add their HIPAA violation chart. “I now weigh____… I’m ___tall…. I like____ … I dislike____…. I have ____ teeth.” Unless you plan on sending your kid to the combine next year I don’t need their measurables, Christine. And no shit Jaxon doesn’t like when his sibling steals his toys, nobody does.
If it’s not an update, it’s a holiday picture. No matter how popular or obscure. The hot trend this month is pumpkin butts? What’re you doing? Take your baby out of that damn cornucopia and put some clothes on them. Painting their butt as a pumpkin, what’s wrong with you? Do you even keep up with the news? As we speak, they’re suing Kurt Cobain’s corpse for this type of shit.
But undoubtedly the worst kind of people are the ones with daily tips on how to raise a kid. Nobody gives a shit. Let people do their own thing and stop acting like you have all the answers. You got knocked up by a foodrunner when you were 23, none of your followers even have children. This is gonna be your big break? Tutorials on how to put a headband on a baby is your ticket out of that 9-5 that you hate? How did people even raise children until you came along and taught everyone your swaddling method?
Believe it or not I don’t blame people for posting their kids or baby constantly. It’s your family and you’re proud of it, I get that. Just stop with the theatrics, like everyone’s hanging on your newest update or calendar to drop. Just chill out.
And if you see me in person, stop showing me the pictures on your phone and forcing me to pretend to be interested. No one gives a shit about your kids, people used to understand that. There’s such a massive parenting gap with this generation and our predecessors that needs to be shrunk. For instance, when your kid sucks boobs and shits themselves, you post it on your story saying “No one said it’d be easy!” But when I do it, my parents tell me maybe it’s time to give up drinking for good.
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