TKJ Exclusive MLB Interviews Under Quarantine

I miss sports a lot. So much so that I've been spending the last of my paycheck to guerrilla interview athletes on Cameo. Most people want this app for birthday shoutouts, setting fantasy draft orders, baby announcements, or whatever else their creepy asses can think up. Not me. I come with the hard hitting questions for some of our most favorite and beloved professional athletes. 

Episode 1, I guess you can call it, is the MLB Edition. Here are the headlines for each one: Dontrelle Willis speaks on shower shoes, radios, and the 2003 World Series Marlins. Ozzie Guillen gets political and isn't too sure if there is free speech in Miami. Lastly, A classic Bieber mixup. 

Please let me know if you enjoy. I spent the last of my coin on these interviews and ramen. I'm running out of ramen. 

TKJ Quarantine Interviews, MLB Edition:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qe-lf29898

Race Is Still Funny In Comedy *When Done Right

Before you spit your coffee out, read what I have to say. If you still hate me after, so be it. I'm white. Yikes, I know. A white person should never put "race" and "funny" in the same sentence. I however, am in the school of believing anything could be funny. I find it calming to laugh at the things that make us nervous. Fucked up jokes, to me, demolish a wall that we're all trembling behind. Joking about different races, especially one that you aren't a part of, can go sideways quick. Or it can be fucking hilarious. If it's a carefully crafted and thought out joke, it shouldn't be written off immediately and filed away in things you're not allowed to laugh at. Laughing isn't illegal, do it whenever you damn well please. 

I'm going to be referencing Patrice O'Neal A LOT. If you don't know who Patrice O'Neal is, then you don't know what funny is and you're going to hate this blog any way I slice it so just X it out now. Patrice O'Neal for me, is the funniest person to ever live. He's dead now. All of his jokes were born across boundaries and were remorselessly funny. I would say the jokes he made were courageous, but that's not quite it. He genuinely just did not give a fuck. Patrice displayed the truth of the world as he saw it and mushed your face in it. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that what he was saying was funny, and thus didn't need your opinion. Sorry, this is turning into a Patrice O'Neal appreciation blog, back to the matter at hand. 

I'm going to paraphrase a couple of Patrice race jokes now, if you want to see him perform them himself I'll put the links at the bottom. Patrice opens up 'Elephant In The Room' with congratulating a black man on bringing hot white woman to his show. He tells the audience that black women get mad at that but this particular white girl is top-shelf white woman. Patrice then goes on to say you can measure how hot a white woman is by how long they would look for her if she went missing. Joran van der Sloot is brought up and Patrice opens up to the crowd asking who's that girl they're suspecting him of killing in Aruba. Someone in the crowd shouts out "Natalee Holloway" who at the time of her disappearance, was a nineteen year old white girl from Mississippi. Joran van der Sloot was already convicted of killing a Peruvian woman in Lima, months before Patrice's special. When he asked what's the name of that girl he killed in Peru? The crowd went silent and he yelled "EXACTLY". Ok that one was pretty long. I'll do a few more in only three sentences or less, promise. I'll do it in bullet points too so this paragraph doesn't look so intimidating:

-One joke he says he's mad at Obama because he thought he'd have a family of white people for slaves by now. That he'd thought he'd be outside deciding to kill the father or not while telling him that his wife was upstairs warming up his bed. 

-Patrice says that black women scream like "AAAHHHH" at their man at that's what keeps them safe. He explains to white women that they keep getting killed because they just whisper mean shit that only their husband can hear like, "Your mother's breath stinks". O'Neal claims over time the white woman deteriorate's the man's spirit and that's how they keep getting murdered.

-In his HBO special Patrice complains how it's unfair that a man born from India gets to ask him for his ID at the airport. He claims that his own accent should be proof enough that he's American, while the Indian man is saying "dooble dabble ID". 

-Patrice wonders why we're so eager to get Mexicans out of the country. He asks who else would ride a bike down the highway, against traffic, to deliver you a panini sandwich for lunch? Or who else would kick in your hotel door, trying to squeeze past the chain saying "Please sir I MUST make your bed, I MUST". 

Ok theres plenty more but I think I've made the point. Watch the clips below because I didn't do the jokes any justice and I'm sure you have time to kill. Now you might be thinking, Patrice O'Neal died in 2011 and comedy has strayed from race in the nine years he's been gone. Too bad I was ready for this thought. Let me introduce you to Ramy Youssef.

Ramy came out with the 2019 show, "Ramy", about being a modern-day Muslim in today's society. It's probably my favorite show I've seen in the past two years. It's witty, it's honest, and it's uncomfortable. Ramy often uses race and ethnicity as a mirror to show the viewer the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle racist situations that Muslims constantly find themselves in. There's a sex scene involving a creepy white guy with a Muslim fetish and his sister that will make you embarrassed that you check the Caucasian box. Scenes like this are made to prove a point, while portraying it an sheepishly funny light. However, Ramy is not without it's own characters with blatantly intolerant views. Ramy's anti-Semitic uncle, Naseem, is constantly spewing hatred that would get him cancelled if he ever decided to convert his thoughts to tweets. In Episode 2, Naseem is offering to give Ramy a job in his jewelry store with the warning that most of his customers are Jews. His uncle stays consistently racist and kind of rape-y towards his sister throughout the dinner. Ramy is forced to drive him to the train station once the night ends, even though it's pretty clear he's done with his uncle's bullshit. During the car ride Naseem is going off about how Ramy's father wasn't man enough to make a man out of his son, but he, Naseem, doesn't mind picking up his father's slack for Ramy's sake. This is the exchange that follows Naseem's rant. 

Ramy: "You know at least my father has a family that loves him. What do you have huh? Why do you think you're so alone? You think it's cause of the Jews?"

Naseem: "You don't know how they are, I'm surrounded by them."

This one little line is so flagrantly racist that you can't help but laugh. The man is confronted by is family leaving him by his own nephew his first instinct is to blame the Jewish population. Race in jokes doesn't mean that the racist line itself has to be funny. Sometimes the character not having the social awareness to understand that what they're saying is immoral that makes for candid comedy. This is more the racism in comedy today. Blaming an older persona on funny albeit narrowed-minded shit that flies out of their mouth. That can only sustain for how long though? One more generation and it will be us who are depicting the older characters. Since we're afraid to laugh at something based on race, will the joke die with us? 

Since I'm a tasteless chicken lovin honky, it's time to address the elephant in the room. I'm a white dude rooting for jokes with racial undertones to survive. Who better to help me explain my stance than Patrice? Patrice on the topic of him joking about race: "Black people ain't getting no money, for slavery. We ain't going to get reparations. What we did have is language. We got to say anything we want, the way we want. Which is the reparations, which is the fact that I can say 'cracker' all day and everybody goes hahaha, but because that was my payoff". He hits this rhetoric again in Elephant in the Room when he says, "I can say anything I god damned want racially, and white people have to sit there and take it like 'Yeah I know, I am evil, yes' ". I'm here to tell you that he's absolutely fucking right. When I say keep race jokes going I'm not speaking to white people. Let the Patrices, the Ramys, and everyone else in between take the reigns. We fucked this one up a while ago, it's time to take a back seat. No one is saying don't enjoy the jokes, they were created to be laughed at. We just can't make the jokes ourselves, which fuck it, whatever that's fair. If you have a problem with that? Dust yourself off, you're white, you'll live. 

Like it or not, racism is prevalent in every day life. If we can't depict or joke about something so seeded in our society then we yield to the ideology itself. Without the exposure of poking fun by means of racial tension, then kids will only learn shitty racist ideals from their shitty racist parents. If we are daring enough to laugh at the things deemed inappropriate, then maybe we'll try our damndest not to act like the character that's being portrayed on a stage.  

Why Did We Say Olley Olley Oxen Free?

I'm starting to realize that it's a pretty good rule of thumb not to look too deep into anything from your childhood. Freud be damned. Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe from your youth. Most people know how fucked up Ring Around The Rosie is. We just said shit because children before us said it. We never questioned it, we never broke down verses or sayings. We just ran around screaming shit until you were too tired and fell asleep drinking a Capri Sun. Olley Olley Oxen Free is no different. 

Now nobody knows what Olley Olley Oxen Free means, but you know what it means. As in you understand the implication I'm expressing when I say it, but you never realized that those four words in that order make absolutely no fucking sense. The Dictionary of Regional English believe that the phrase is derived from "all ye, all ye, outs in free!". Meaning, the games over and everyone still hiding, come on out. But children, the shitheads that they are, over decades and decades just changed the phrase to sounds that they know and use and that's how we wound up with this nonsense. Makes you wonder with all these mumble rappers if in 100 years will kids be saying "molly molly, pot is free". 

But wait there's more! There's a lot of controversy in the Olley Olley Oxen Free World on the origins of the saying. Some scholars (*mumbles Wikipedia*), believe that it may have actually derived from the German phrase 'alle alle auchs sind frie'. Which if you ask me, sounds a hell of a lot like Olley Olley Oxen Free. The meaning of the saying? All, all, all are free. Meaning "Hey everyone come out of your hiding spots! Look everyone else is free!" Now. Can you think of a time in German history when they might be screaming for people to come out of their hiding spots, and promising them their freedom? Yeah, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Say it on the count of three 1...2...3... Tearing down the Berlin Wall!

Somebody think up a new phrase to say when you reach base, I'm done with this bullshit. 

We Need To Fix Daylight Savings

Right off the bat, the mnemonic is bull shit. I can just as easily fall forward as I can fall back. I never remember which one we get to sleep more and which one we get one less hour at the bar. If my memory serves, this is one of those things they pretend Ben Franklin invented. They say he invented like this, electricity, glasses, and libraries. No way one guy invented all of that shit. Ben Franklin allegedly created daylight savings for farmers I think. Back then though, everyone was a farmer or you didn't eat. We need to go with what's good for the majority of the public. The fall clock-turn is fine, leave it the way it is. Spring however needs to stop springing forward. This is my argument for more nighttime year round.  

I propose that it gets dark at 6:00 pm throughout the whole year. What good comes from sunlight? Daytime sucks. What do you do during the day? Work? Run errands? Night time is where the fun is. It's when we go out to bars. During the summer people don't go to bars until 10:00pm because it's only been dark for like an hour. Then you're up til an ungodly hour because you only have few hours to squeeze your night in. During winter, the second the sun goes down it becomes socially acceptable to hit the bar. "But we like to day drink!" Grow up, day drinking stinks and it makes you way too sleepy. Besides, you still have until six to day drink that's plenty of time. 

Sporting events are better at night. Especially baseball games. When you're walking into a baseball stadium for a day game you say a silent prayer in the ticket line that you're in a section where the sun isn't shining. If hanging with the sun is so great, why does everybody love shade? Then there's that sweet spot in a ball game, where the sun is setting over the stadium. We can have that for almost every game!

For the homebodies this is crucial. If the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, there will always be someone to tell you to get out of the house. For whatever reason, people pretend that it isn't socially acceptable to watch tv or play video games while there's still daylight to be had. My manifesto reduces that window for people to make you feel like shit for being inside. 

Mo' sun mo' problems. I challenge anyone to give me a good reason why we should keep that thing in the air any longer than it has to be. What can you not do at night that you do during the day? Keep in mind that you still have until 6:00 to go to the beach, tan, play sports, jog, whatever it is you people do.  More fun, less sun. 

Quarantine Redecorating, Online Shopping On A Budget

I've been looking for a project to do while I'm cooped in the suburbs. I bought MLB The Show two days ago, and I'm already sick of switching back and forth between my PS4 and my Xbox. It's a new level of lazy. Xbox has my Call of Duty and shows, PS4 has literally only The Show. Each time I'm done with The Show I have to unplug the Playstation, plug the Xbox back in, and switch the HDMI cord from one system to the other. Sometimes I lay down to watch my show, realize that the Playstation is still hooked up, and I go postal. If only I had a Playstation room, so I could leave my Xbox constantly plugged into my bedroom TV. Just the ticket, my mom walked out a couple of months ago and left behind an empty bedroom, and a family. I've decided to make it my man cave. 

My brother and I already moved the old living room furniture into it. We just kind of threw it in there though. Rearrange the furniture, check. I got my old college TV from the garage, put it on an old dresser and hooked up the Playstation. Video games, check. While in the garage I found my old mini fridge and filled it with a six pack. Beer, check. I had a couch, video games, and beer. You would think the man cave was complete but it was missing something. The walls were barren. There are outlines throughout the room where family photos used to hang. It was all very depressing, kind of like that last Fresh Prince episode. Time to decorate, spice the place up a bit. 

I've seen loads of people tweeting about all the online shopping they've been doing since Coronavirus commandeered the country. Amazon seemed to be the store of choice. I went to Amazon, Amazon is fucking expensive. There's cool shit there don't get me wrong, but I'd have to remortgage my loans again to afford a spree. When I was in college we used to crush Goodwill stores. That's where I found Big Dave, who still hangs in my bedroom to this day (pictured below). 

I googled the local Goodwill on the Hail Mary that they were labeled essential, they weren't. I went to the Goodwill website to see if there was any update on when they plan to reopen, and that is when I made a discovery of Indiana Jones proportions. Goodwill has an online store of infinite treasures. I got sucked in for hours perusing around and found thousands of steals. For the sake of this blog I'll just cue you in on my decorative purchases. Most decorators will tell you to stick to a theme. Fuck that. If it looks cool, throw in the cart.

15. Signed Photo of Al Pacino $9.95 

Every MTV Cribs episode featured some sort of Scarface Art, so this seemed like a good place to start. 

14. Budweiser Metal Signs $9.99

Just in case you were wondering if I drink, bro. 

13. Tom Hanks Signed Photo $11.00

A tip of the cap to our quarantine king, Hanx. 

12. Retro Buffy The Vampire Slayer Poster $7.99

Buffy's hot, no way around it. 

11. Leo Dio Signed Photo $9.95

I'm not sure how authentic this is, but for ten dollars, I'll bite. Why would Goodwill lie? 

10. Bob Marley Painting $32.00

If you don't have Bob Marley hanging on your wall how are people supposed to know you're cool? It's a bit pricey but it comes with a sweet hand made wood frame. 

9. Wille Nelson Drawing $8.99

You might not be able to tell by the last two purchases on my list, but I honestly don't smoke weed. It's a chalk pastel though, whatever that means. Looks like someone put a lot of work into it. 

8. Budweiser Case $16.99 

I figured I could use this as a foot rest that doubles as storage for my video games. Plus it comes with a sweet pair of roller skates for no reason. 

7. Jennie Finch Signed Poster $12.99 

Because who wouldn't want a smoke gold medalist on their wall? What a find. 

6. John Wayne Drawing $29.99

This is a man cave isn't it? Who better to watch over me than Duke, the epitome of the American man. 

5. Signed Poster of Former Playmate, Petra Verkaik $6.95

The inscription reads "Richard you're a real cutie, call me in 10 years!". I don't know this Petra, but she was Miss December in 1989. I hope she's doing well. 

4. Angelina Jolie Signed Laura Croft photo $6.95

I mean, come on. If you didn't have a crush on Laura Croft, cartoon or otherwise, go shit in your hand. 

3. Picture of Old Guys Playing Poker $11.99

This piece really speaks to me. Just gents bein gents. That one miner is passing an ace of hearts to his buddy with his dirty ass foot. I'm pretty sure they're colluding against Teddy Roosevelt? 

2. Jerry Seinfeld Signed Photo $29.99

Ok this one actually comes with a certificate of authenticity. Thirty dollars is highway robbery. 

1. Lando Calrissian Cot 45 Poster $31.99

I honestly can't believe something this perfect exists. It encompasses everything you could possibly need for a man cave. Lando, beer, slave Leia, and implied adultery. 

Well there's my list ranked from least to most favorite. Comes to a grand total of $237.71. The decoration exploring took me three hours alone. Oh and by the way I didn't buy a single thing. This is quarantine life now. I spent the whole day pretending I was going to buy things for a project I'm never going to do. How was your day?  

Does It Make You Weirdo For Liking ASMR?

Time has been a mirage as of late. The numbers on the clock are no longer guidelines on when I should be asleep and when I should be awake. My sporadic naps and siestas often leave me waking up to the mid day sun and googling Snapple facts at four in the morning. Worry not, for I have found my Knight in shining armor. ASMR is here to save the day. 

I first found ASMR while I was scrolling through my sixteenth video of a Facebook video thread. Those things are black holes. Anyway, while I was watching I experienced what we in the ASMR world call 'tingles'. I would describe the sensation as a perverted ghost gently scratching the top of your head. Maybe not the best marketing for it but the feeling is extremely relaxing. Intrigued, relaxed, I googled more ASMR and discovered that it was my ultimate lullaby. 

What is ASMR you ask? ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, but I'm sure you've already guessed that. It is a relaxed state induced by the sounds of close gentle noises. ASMR was started by the Ying Yang Twins in 2005 with their groundbreaking work of "Hey lil momma let me whisper in your ear, tell ya somethin that ya might like to hear". Remarkable. Since then ASMR has taken many forms. ASMR could be the sound of rain, it could be a weird guy rubbing stuff on a microphone, a hot girl licking an ear, or chiropractors cracking joints. Cracking happens to be my cup of tea. 

The chiropractor videos worked for me for awhile. I watched enough chiropractor videos that I could become one now if I decided to pivot careers. Neck cracks, feet pulls, spine realignments, muah so satisfying. Sadly however, over time my tingles from the chiro videos began to deteriorate. Much like porn, I could no longer make that vanilla shit work for me. That's when I stumbled upon Indian barbers. 

In India it's customary to receive a head massage after your shape up. This could include oiling, massaging, and cracking your neck, back, fingers, elbows, unibrow, your fuckin ears (!), and believe it or not, amongst the pros, hair cracks! Shit is nuts. They'll actually pick out certain strands of hair, tug on them, and pop goes the weasel. If I'm watching that shit, call in the Sandman cause I'm out. There's this one youtuber, "Indian Barber" and if this dude walks into your shop, you've made it. He's like the Joe Rogan for Indian barbers. There's this one old dude, Manoj Master, who literally cried when this guy walked into his shop, which was just a shack at the time. Now Manoj drips swag, bought a new shop, and is presumably famous for his haircuts. Monoj is my favorite to fall asleep too, he's an OG, but no one is more entertaining than Asim. 

Asim barber is a natural born showman, spinkled in with a little bit of psychopath. Sometimes I get legitimately nervous that he wants to kill the person sitting in his chair. If you don't believe me, heres a couple screen grabs: 

I know he's crazy looking, but this is his art. He puts every ounce of swagger he has into each performance. Sometimes he just randomly pimps sunglasses during a video. Asim does this thing when he gets a really good crack, where he peacocks around the room staring at the poor sucker he almost just murdered. It's so intimidating but I can't look away. Asim stopped making videos for a while and eventually a video was released saying he's recovering from an injury. There was a picture of him with his face all fucked up. Wishing Asim a speedy recovery and shooting prayers across the pond, but saw this coming. Dude clearly lives life in the fast lane. It could've been anything. Car crash? Mob hit? You could tell me the Indian government tried taking him out and I'd believe it. Rest up king. I'm getting off topic. 

I don't know why I enjoy ASMR. It doesn't work for some people but that certainly isn't the case for me. Is it weird? I only watch videos with over a million views for the assurance that I'm not the only person out there who's participating in this. Still though, one time my dad came in and I launched my phone across the room like a fourteen year old who got caught watching porn. What was I supposed to tell him? I was watching an Indian guy rub another Indian guy so I could fall asleep? I have no answer for this. I do have an answer for why it works though, maybe. A google search says that your brain is being driven by neurohormone oxytocin that causes relaxation, trust, and comfort. I don't know what that means. My theory is when you're, ya know, masturbating, you watch porn right? Why? To simulate the sex that your tricking your brain into thinking your having? What if ASMR is tricking your brain into thinking your getting a massage, and that's why you become relaxed enough to fall asleep? I don't know I'm no scientist, but I think I cracked the code. Some people like watching pimples being popped, some people like being put in a sleeper hold during sex, some people like pineapple on their pizza. They know it's weird, but they can't deny the satisfaction. I just happen to like ASMR.

Types Of People From High School I Realized I Still Follow On Twitter

Everyone has been murdering screen time while being locked inside their homes. My biggest culprit, Twitter. With all this time to kill, I am carefully reading each tweet individually. Tweets that are normally scrolled right over are now coming under heavy scrutiny from yours truly. It's crazy because I didn't even realize they were there. It's like driving past that abandoned building in your hometown. Your brain doesn't even register it, you've just accepted it as part of the backdrop. You don't know how long it's been there or what it's function even used to be. Well not anymore. 

The angry jock. The angry jock is just your classic movie stereotype. His varsity peak has led him to drink too much, but instead of yelling at people in local watering holes, he terrorizes twitter. Since he was the starting shortstop he automatically knows more than every professional journalist out there. And trust me, he let's ESPN hear it. Close the yearbook, old buddy. 

The girl you had a crush on. This one plucks at the ol heart strings. Maybe she was your lab partner, maybe she giggled at your jokes, maybe she was that girl from that Bowling for Soup song. Most guys have that one girl in high school that they'd leave their current girlfriend for if given the chance. I'm glad I discovered this one, I'm not above throwing a couple favorites out there to see if I still have a shot. 

The DJ. Maybe it's our fault. You were invited to party with every single friend group. Not because you were friends with them, but because nobody wanted to leave their phone unattended plugged into the speaker. I have no opinion on how I feel when that new beat you made drops, please stop asking me. Thank you for dming me when my Nan died, but it was completely inappropriate to ask me who was DJing the repass. Even if you really were going to give me that discount. 

The stoner. Keep doing you, man.

The pyramid schemer. I hate you. Don't blame me for you buying all that shampoo. I don't care how pretty you think my girlfriend or sister is, I'm not giving you their phone number. Keep trying, I can do this all day. I will leave you on read for the rest of eternity.

The dude who still overly supports the athletic program. I know it was fun painting our faces for a football game when we were seventeen, but it's over now. You majored in Criminal Justice, why are you acting like you're being groomed for the next Athletic Director opening? Plus some of those highschoolers' stats that you're drooling over is some of our friend's baby siblings. You're freaking us out. 

The heroine addict. Yikes. You know, I thought something was up when you asked me to meet you in the Taco Bell parking lot even though we were never really friends. I know you said you only wanted a crunchwrap supreme but your innuendos were suggesting a lot more. I'm honestly glad to see that you're recovered now, but we're all getting sick of the poetry posts. 

The borderline popular girl who joined a sorority in college. We're all very happy for you for becoming treasurer at Alpha Omega, but enough is enough. Everyone misses their college friends, stop showing us your 'sisters' with the crying emoji face. And no, I will not donate to your 55th fundraiser this year even though you've graduated. I didn't do it back when we sort of knew each other, what makes you think I would donate now when we haven't spoken in eight years?

The class clown who's real serious now. It's not my fault that you tried too many drugs in college, stop depressing me. I know you're 'woke' now but you don't have to believe every single conspiracy theory ever made. You used to make moaning noises when the Business teacher's back was turned, you don't get to play Chicken Little with the economy now. Make me a bicycle clown.  

The wannabe Barstool Blogger. Give it a rest man, you're embarrassing yourself.