But You Know, Gotta Let It Go, Cause The Party Ain't Jumpin Like It Use To!

LET IT AuBURN BABY. Auburn stinks. I know they stink, you know they stink, Byron Cowart knows they stink. Cowart was ESPN's number one recruit coming out of high school in 2015. Gus Malzahn landed him and stranded him. "I was bigger and stronger than everybody, I didn't understand that at the time. I'm just thinking you wake up, practice a little bit and it happened in the game. I didn't know the preparation that it took to be good on Saturday and Sunday." Uhmm how about you be a leader of men and develop your talent there, Gus. This has been a recurring trend. Auburn is losing more stars than the #MeToo movement. 

Cowart isn't alone in 5 stars who pack their shit and head out from the barn. 2014 five star recruit (247 Sports), Roc Thomas left the program when he couldn't find a spot in the Tiger backfield. He transferred to Jacksonville State and was an FCS All-American. More recently, 2017 class, five star OT Calvin Ashley landed with the King of the Transfer Portal, Manny Diaz, in Miami. This just didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Why not plug the five star monster into a line that had under 100 rushing yards and gave up 3 sacks to Southern Miss! Southern fricken Miss. But hey, keep doing your thing little brother. Never forget the 2017 Iron Bowl didn't matter.   

Block Or Felony Charge?

Well, it's time to pour one out for another internet fad ruined by a middle aged white guy who's begging to connect with millennials. The once proud coach who beat Nick Saban in back to back seasons at Ole Miss has resorted to partaking in Twitter haha's for 8 retweets. 

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Do you know what really gets recruits to like you? Hookers. Stick to your guns, Hugh. Dial up that administrative assigned phone, hop on Backpage and do what you do best. Don't turn yourself into that backwards hat, skateboard over the shoulder, Buschemi meme. 

Honestly though, good riddance. The whole block or charge thing really isn't that funny. You just gotta love Hugh for twisting the knife. Have just the tiniest bit of awareness. A block or a charge is like a 50/50 call. You should never be using the word "charge" knowing that you yourself could be charged with soliciting prostitution. 

Who The Fuck Is Andrew Thacker?

https://twitter.com/thecheckdown/status/1098379958311776256

Recently this video went viral of the Georgia Tech Defensive Coordinator and Linebackers Coach, Andrew Thacker, doing burpee things with his players followed by alley oop line and him finishing with a 360 air cram on his "player" turned basketball net. For some reason he reminds me of PC Principal from South Park. The players were amped the fuck up though, and it got me wondering if he was some nutso strength and conditioning coach. I was wrong. He’s a young, handsome, DEFENSIVE MINDED coach here to balance out the force. 

I don’t understand how people get into coaching, like the fraternity of it. Who lets you in? Andrew Thacker was a three year starter for Furman University and the following year he’s a grad assistant at UCF at age 22? How the hell does that happen? The only thing I could find was that his step father was a prominent high school coach in Georgia. Maybe that was his in. Traded a recruit for his son on the coaching squad?

Thacker is a serious up and comer. So far at age 33, he has coached under Mike Gundy, Mike Smith (as assistant to the Atlanta Falcons), and Manny Diaz for like two weeks. Reports came out a couple weeks ago that Thacker TURNED DOWN the Oregon DC job. Now I thought maybe it was because he wanted to build up his resume with a better defense, ranked 52nd in Opp Yds to Oregon's 67th. But that doesn't really make sense. I think Thacker took Georgia Tech to see if he could put up a defense that can run with the big boys. He'll have his work cut out for him this year with GT playing Clemson, Miami, and Georgia. The Miami game should be fun being that Manny Diaz was his boss for a day before they both left the university in the same week. Tough to be Temple.

Keep your eye on this dude. Thacker's making moves and he's making them fast. 

Graham Harrell, What A Crazy Cracker

In a recent post about Kliff Kingsbury, I touched a bit on his USC replacement, Graham Harrell. Well here he is, the crazy bastard. Young, hung, and full of shotgun. Graham is looking forward to his Trojans exploding this year, which normally would have students crying, but in this case has USC actually looking forward to the future. Or at least they should be.  

USC head coach Clay Helton knew he needed to make a hiring splash after posting the school's first losing record since 2000. Kliff Kingsbury is a great high profile hire, right? Wrong, bitch. Kliff Kingsbury left USC after a month to go fuck up the number one pick in Arizona. What next? Former Mike Leach coaches/quarterback are really hot in the streets right now (Kliff, Lincoln Riley, etc) so Helton jumped in front of the curve and grabbed Graham Helton. 

The year before Graham took the North Texas OC job the team went 1-11. His first year they improved to 5-8. His last two? 9-5 and 9-4 with back to back top 25 offenses (according to Bruce Feldman). So what exactly does this guy do? 

Harrell, as a student of Leach, is a follower of the Air Raid attack. It's pass heavy, around 70% throwing offense, ran in the hurry up, with normally two outside receivers and two inside slot guys. Pass this shit out of the ball, spread the offense out in shotgun, and hope to god you tire out the defense. As Mike Leach once put it "There's nothing balanced about 50% run and 50% pass. That's 50% stupid." 

So he likes to pass the ball. Which means he probably sits up all night like Sean McVay, concocting new plays, extending his secret playbook, figuring out crazy new looks to throw at defenses. Wrong again! Graham hates playbooks! Here he is basically calling Aaron Rodgers a dork while he was his backup in Green Bay, "I used to tell them all the time, 'If you pay me enough money, I'll simplify this whole thing for you and make it easier.' They didn't like that. It was like a badge of honor that they could remember a paragraph. I'm like 'Well, it's great that you can remember the paragraph, but I can't remember the paragraph and neither can anyone in here. So you're not doing us any favors.'" Hey Aaron! Cute badge!

Graham's just one of the bros, which should translate nicely in SoCal bruh (I don't know how people in California speak). He likes to start off his meetings with scenes from the Sandlot to clips of the WWF  attitude era, (It's WWE clips I don't actually know if it's from the attitude era but if it's not, honestly why bother) in order to keep things cool, like his coaching pedigree. Speaking of pedigrees, Graham Harrell named his kid,  Herschel Hawk Harrell. HHH. This guy is just so much cooler than yours and mine offensive coordinator. (I used a lot of parenthesis in this paragraph)

I'm paraphrasing here but Graham said his plan is to not overburden his team with complex playbooks but rather find a few plays they like, and just get really good at them. Fantastic! That's exactly my motto for playing Madden. I find like three or four plays that I know my friend can't stop, and run the shit out of them until he throws my controller at the wall. Graham's strategy is so annoying that it just might work.  

The Scariest Man In College Football Won A Scary College Football Case

The combine is in the air. There are 300 pound lineman running 4.84s,  5 receivers under a 4.36, players making crying phone calls on the sidelines, everything is full of what could be. But what could have been for Shawn Oakman? 

Shawn Oakman was unanimously acquitted of sexual assault last Thursday. Since his arrest Oakman has whole-heartedly denied that the encounter he had with the alleged victim wasn't consensual. This all came on in the midst of Art Briles' cover up over player behavior. The evidence for his acquittal included texts from the female asking him to come to the bar, texts from the female to her friends telling them she's fine going home with Oakman, her admittance of a past sexual relationship with the accused, DNA found in the female's mouth, the female's friends testifying that she wasn't intoxicated, and when they were at the bar a friend asked Oakman what he was doing next he replied, "Shit, her." to which to the witness testified the accuser smiled at Oakman and hugged him as if she was happy he acknowledged their relationship in public. Unanimously acquitted.  

Shawn Oakman went uber viral in an awesome 2015 Cotton Bowl. When Baylor captains came out to the the coin flip Oakman was towering over Michigan State. Spartans went on to win that game 42-41 after shutting out Baylor in the fourth quarter. But after that game, one thing was certain, the whole country knew Shawn Oakman.

Shawn could've been playing in the NFL for three years now. After his arrest and Art Briles' firing no NFL team would touch him. He is Baylor's all time sack leader and was getting first round looks. Shawn's 26 now and expressed that he still wants to play in the NFL. "Cowboys, Eagles, whoever calls first." Interesting choices. But, come on, Dallas is taking him. I mean they took Randy Gregory, La'el Collins, Ezekiel Elliot, and Greg Hardy. They're no strangers to scandal.

A quote from Ret. Army Major Kenneth Roberts, who raised Oakman, " This is just God's work. God made sure that justice would be served, and I am glad that it was unanimous. I am glad we had this opportunity to prove beyond any shadow of doubt that Shawn Oakman was robbed of this time period to play football and do whatever he wanted to do." 

Crab Legs Are Back In The Headlines In Alabama

In case you were living under a rock in 2015, Jameis Winston stole crab legs once. He claimed that they were a generous gift from the local Publix but then video footage came out of him snatching the  crab legs off the counter and la-di-da'ing out of the store. The whole state of Alabama responded. Local food stores were selling King Crab Legs with his name on them, the University's cafeterias were giving them out, it was a whole thing. 

I'm not sure how many people know this but Jameis Winston is actually from Birmingham, AL. Rumor has it that the only reason he didn't go to Bama is because Saban wouldn't let him play baseball. So overall, how do crab legs fair for the good people of Alabama? 

The African-American Heat Miser vs Pedophile Glasses. According to this report from Fox these two ruffians broke out in a tong fight while waiting for crab legs in a Huntsville buffet. An off duty cop witnessed the whole altercation saying that both suspects started "fencing" with the buffet tongs. Sometimes the world is too perfect. Picture these two, fighting like crabs, over crabs. Clanging the tongs together trying to intimidate their opponent, striking on every opening. What a fucking scene. Heat Miser was charged with assault for opening up Pedophile Glasses' head. So I guess she won, or lost depending on how you look at it. Moral of the story, Alabamians, stick to BBQ. 

Bob Kraft Should Take A Page Out Of Lane Kiffin's Playbook

I guess it's true what they say, boys DO go to Jupiter to get more stupider. The biggest news from the weekend while I was away on vacation, is that Patriot's owner Robert Kraft likes getting tuggies. Go figure. Amidst the AFC title game timeline, possible human trafficking, and prices on the menu, one thing is getting lost in the shuffle: How the fuck did he get caught? 

So yeah obvious point is that what the hell is he doing going into tuggie spots and not having the tuggie spots come to him? But how did they get his name? The only thing I can think of is that he's paying with a card. If that's the case, i's a rookie mistake and he deserved to be caught lotion-handed. Never leave a money trail. Maybe they could of ran his plate but 1. he had a driver and 2. dude's got so many cars he could claim that anyone could've been taking a stroll to the ol rub tug in his wheels. You wanna know how you never let them get your name? You never give it to them. 

Pull up a chair and prick up your ears for Kiffin's classroom. Most people know by now that Lane goes by "Joey Freshwater" when trying to run his spread offense at campus bars. I know its been said before but it'll never not be funny so I'm gunna bring it up as much as I damn well please. As the story goes a forum was making rounds a couple years back about a girl claiming that Lane approached her friend at a bar as Joey Freshwater in Tuscaloosa trying to woo her and buy her drinks. Said friend called him out on being Lane Kiffin to which he responded "Nah I'm not but I get that a lot." and went on pursuing other co-eds. L-e-g-e-n-d. Lane was confronted about the Freshwater rumors in a presser once and he told the reporter that can't be me cause my alias is Jimmy Chestnut, Joey Freshwater's friend. Fucking hilarious. Just throwing it in everyone's mouth that he rocks aliases. You think Orchids of Asia is ever getting Lane's actual name? No shot

I imagine Lane's been pulled by a callused middle aged asian woman before so here's a list of other possible college football coaches who might have gone bare ass on a leather table: 

5. Jim McElwain. We now know that tuggies are a dime a dozen in Florida. Jim's a horny bastard and will put his winky in or on anything 

 

4. Bobby Petrino. Petrino is no stranger to adultery and lost the Arkansas job from having an affair with a 25 year old that he hired to be his "player development" assistant. The two were exposed after they got in a motorcycle wreck that led to some hilariously gross pictures of Petrino's face. His adulteress even claimed that she once used a $20,000 gift that Petrino sent her to pay for some of her wedding expenses. Bobby ain't scared to pay for it.

3. Bret Bielema. I am staunchly against physiognomy but Bret just looks like a regular at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace. Plus there's no way in hell he didn't already pay for his wife.
 

2. Joe Pa. Cause we all know how much he loved sweeping sex scandals under the rug.

1. Hugh Freeze. "Our program is going to be about certain core values. No. 1 is Faith. It's about the man, Jesus Christ." Hugh actually said that at his opening presser with Liberty when they introduced him as the head coach. He was fired from Ole Miss for dialing at least 12 numbers associated with female escort services on his school issued phone over a 33 month period. That's just his business phone, imagine how many he had on the burner.

Alas, I digress. I see the flaw in my logic with the police report claiming to have video evidence of inside the parlor. To the people who say "bUt If ThEy HaVe ViDeO aNyOnE cOuLd IdEnTiFy RoBeRt KrAfT", I say 1. that parlor must have shitty fucking security to let someone waltz in to place cameras around the joint and 2. that still doesn't explain the no-name dirty perverts who had their names published in the sting. So I'm sticking with my he used his card theory. So Bobby, Mr. Kraft, you're with 6 billion dollars, hire someone to make you an alias if you must.