I guess it's true what they say, boys DO go to Jupiter to get more stupider. The biggest news from the weekend while I was away on vacation, is that Patriot's owner Robert Kraft likes getting tuggies. Go figure. Amidst the AFC title game timeline, possible human trafficking, and prices on the menu, one thing is getting lost in the shuffle: How the fuck did he get caught?
So yeah obvious point is that what the hell is he doing going into tuggie spots and not having the tuggie spots come to him? But how did they get his name? The only thing I can think of is that he's paying with a card. If that's the case, i's a rookie mistake and he deserved to be caught lotion-handed. Never leave a money trail. Maybe they could of ran his plate but 1. he had a driver and 2. dude's got so many cars he could claim that anyone could've been taking a stroll to the ol rub tug in his wheels. You wanna know how you never let them get your name? You never give it to them.
Pull up a chair and prick up your ears for Kiffin's classroom. Most people know by now that Lane goes by "Joey Freshwater" when trying to run his spread offense at campus bars. I know its been said before but it'll never not be funny so I'm gunna bring it up as much as I damn well please. As the story goes a forum was making rounds a couple years back about a girl claiming that Lane approached her friend at a bar as Joey Freshwater in Tuscaloosa trying to woo her and buy her drinks. Said friend called him out on being Lane Kiffin to which he responded "Nah I'm not but I get that a lot." and went on pursuing other co-eds. L-e-g-e-n-d. Lane was confronted about the Freshwater rumors in a presser once and he told the reporter that can't be me cause my alias is Jimmy Chestnut, Joey Freshwater's friend. Fucking hilarious. Just throwing it in everyone's mouth that he rocks aliases. You think Orchids of Asia is ever getting Lane's actual name? No shot
I imagine Lane's been pulled by a callused middle aged asian woman before so here's a list of other possible college football coaches who might have gone bare ass on a leather table:
5. Jim McElwain. We now know that tuggies are a dime a dozen in Florida. Jim's a horny bastard and will put his winky in or on anything
4. Bobby Petrino. Petrino is no stranger to adultery and lost the Arkansas job from having an affair with a 25 year old that he hired to be his "player development" assistant. The two were exposed after they got in a motorcycle wreck that led to some hilariously gross pictures of Petrino's face. His adulteress even claimed that she once used a $20,000 gift that Petrino sent her to pay for some of her wedding expenses. Bobby ain't scared to pay for it.
3. Bret Bielema. I am staunchly against physiognomy but Bret just looks like a regular at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace. Plus there's no way in hell he didn't already pay for his wife.
2. Joe Pa. Cause we all know how much he loved sweeping sex scandals under the rug.
1. Hugh Freeze. "Our program is going to be about certain core values. No. 1 is Faith. It's about the man, Jesus Christ." Hugh actually said that at his opening presser with Liberty when they introduced him as the head coach. He was fired from Ole Miss for dialing at least 12 numbers associated with female escort services on his school issued phone over a 33 month period. That's just his business phone, imagine how many he had on the burner.
Alas, I digress. I see the flaw in my logic with the police report claiming to have video evidence of inside the parlor. To the people who say "bUt If ThEy HaVe ViDeO aNyOnE cOuLd IdEnTiFy RoBeRt KrAfT", I say 1. that parlor must have shitty fucking security to let someone waltz in to place cameras around the joint and 2. that still doesn't explain the no-name dirty perverts who had their names published in the sting. So I'm sticking with my he used his card theory. So Bobby, Mr. Kraft, you're with 6 billion dollars, hire someone to make you an alias if you must.
3. Bret Bielema. I am staunchly against physiognomy but Bret just looks like a regular at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace. Plus there's no way in hell he didn't already pay for his wife.
2. Joe Pa. Cause we all know how much he loved sweeping sex scandals under the rug.
1. Hugh Freeze. "Our program is going to be about certain core values. No. 1 is Faith. It's about the man, Jesus Christ." Hugh actually said that at his opening presser with Liberty when they introduced him as the head coach. He was fired from Ole Miss for dialing at least 12 numbers associated with female escort services on his school issued phone over a 33 month period. That's just his business phone, imagine how many he had on the burner.
Alas, I digress. I see the flaw in my logic with the police report claiming to have video evidence of inside the parlor. To the people who say "bUt If ThEy HaVe ViDeO aNyOnE cOuLd IdEnTiFy RoBeRt KrAfT", I say 1. that parlor must have shitty fucking security to let someone waltz in to place cameras around the joint and 2. that still doesn't explain the no-name dirty perverts who had their names published in the sting. So I'm sticking with my he used his card theory. So Bobby, Mr. Kraft, you're with 6 billion dollars, hire someone to make you an alias if you must.
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