Bradley Cooper Is Spearheading The Next Great Sci-fi Project

Dune has been a massive success. The first weekend in the US alone brought in $41 million during a time where nobody seems to be going to the movies. It’s Villeneuve’s biggest opening of his career beating out Sicario, Arrival, and Blade Runner 2049. Super impressive especially if you consider all the people who watched on HBO Max instead of going to the movies. So now all the studios are going to do what they always do, and try and find another Dune while the iron’s hot.

I’m telling you right now, the next great sci-fi franchise is Hyperion, written by Dan Simmons. The first book of this series is the best book I’ve ever read. When I first read Hyperion, I ripped through the internet trying to find anything that said it would be hitting the big screen. That’s when I came across a Reddit post from like 2012 that alleged Bradley Cooper’s obsession with the series. Yahtzee. 

Then it came out that Syfy had bought the rights to Hyperion. Which was shit because Syfy had already butchered a triology that I loved in “The Magicians”. I convinced myself I was happy it would be a TV series, because that’s the outlet I believe could best portray the massive world. But I didn’t have high hopes. I wasn’t leaving myself vulnerable to another Syfy let down. 

So imagine my surprise when I read that Bradley Cooper's new production company bought the rights from Syfy. He’s been trying to push this through Hollywood for like a decade. It’s a series he’s passionate about and proved it by taking it on as his company’s first project. He’s already managed to get Tom Spezialy to sign on, who did the kickass adaptation of “Watchmen” on HBO. Right now it’s set to be a movie but I don’t even care as long as Bradley Cooper stole it from Syfy. 

Here is my spoiler free description that I’ve previously written for the first book: 

“Hyperion by Dan Simmons is probably my favorite book and I’ve never met anyone who’s heard of it. Simmons creates this complex universe with intricacies that make you feel like you’ve lived there all your life. This level of world building is paralleled to only maybe George RR Martin. 

Thousands of years in the future, seven pilgrims take the journey to Hyperion because one of them has the best chance to stop the mythical Shrike. The Time Tombs that held the immortal killing godlike creature are deteriorating. Both religious prophecy and super computer confirm that these random people from all walks of life have the best chance to prevent the universal apocalypse. But only one will stop the Shrike and undo the tragedy in their life, the rest of them are walking to their deaths. 

The pilgrims consist of a Catholic priest, a disgraced war hero, a drunk poet, a nature Templar, a Jewish scholar with his infant daughter, a private investigator, and a government official. Each one tells their story of why they took the journey on the way to the Tome Tombs and why they risk their lives in front of the Shrike. With each passing tale, it grows more and more difficult to figure out who you are rooting for to be the last one standing. 

Dan Simmons does an unbelievable job in painting different planets with their different properties and histories. While still acknowledging “Old Earth” and where humanity stemmed from. His foresight for future technologies is genius. Houses that have portals for doors that result in each room being on a different planet. Robots that have the memories and live the lives of humanity’s most famous artists, philosophers, and leaders. Hyperion is really unmatched.” 

Dune is amazing, I’ve read that as well. There most likely is no Star Wars, or Hyperion, or anything of that level of sci-fi without Dune. It was groundbreaking for 1965 literature. But it’s publication is it’s blessing and it’s curse. Just like the first-gen of anything, it’s been tweaked, built on, and improved. Think of the first PlayStation when it came out. Iconic, couldn’t even believe what you were playing. Respect, but Hyperion is a PlayStation 5. 

What’s The Worst Text That You’ve Sent By Accident?

Have you ever had your heart drop to the center of the earth once you’ve realized you’ve sent a bad text to the wrong person? We’re all experts at phones now, but sometimes our wires get crossed. You become so concerned with velocity that you lose out on accuracy. Maybe you sent the text to the person you were talking shit about because they were on your brain. The ol’ Freudian slip. Or something that was meant for one group chat went to another. Well I’ve done both. 

I think I was still a senior in high school for the first one. Couple of the boys around town decided to have a poker night at this kid Robbie’s house. That’s his real name too, I don’t care cause I don’t like him. It’s not like you’re gonna be like “Oh shit! That Robbie?” Well Robbie was talking smack for weeks about how he’d take all our money in poker. I don’t think anyone actually liked him, but he was one of those kids who was on every sports team with us so we just put up with him. Plus he was the only one who could host so we couldn’t not invite him to his own house. Turns out he actually was good at poker and I got knocked out in like the first hour. So I’m texting my best friend like “Fuck this. We’re not letting Robbie win.” So we start cheating. I stand behind Robbie, and every time my best friend goes in with him, I text him Robbie’s hand. Very scandalous shit. It was working perfectly until my dumbass texted Robbie his own hand. 

“What the fuck? Why did you just text me my cards?”

“…..Uh… No, I was, like, I was saying that’s a good hand.” 

“Fuck this. I’m taking my money back you guys are being sketchy.”

“Shut the FUCK up Robbie, nobody’s being sketchy finish the fuckin game.”

We stopped cheating after that and he ran our pockets. 

The second one was way worse. Within each group chat, there are smaller side chats that talk shit about the collective group. And if you’re not in one of those sub-chats either no one likes you or no one trusts you. My story happened to take place in a work chat. Instead of texting my smaller work friends chat, I texted everyone I work with, including the big bosses. 

We had a mandatory unpaid work event that everyone needed to attend. Now I had no problem going, I wanted to go, truly, it was an event I would have been proud to attend. But I didn’t… and it was a 9/11 Memorial. Now before you go judging me, I had a funeral the same day for a 36 year-old. Who’s the asshole now? 

My bosses were aware that I couldn’t make the memorial, I had already spoken to them and they were fine with it. They sent out the group text the night before detailing the time we were expected, what to wear, and the itinerary for the ceremony. I’ll admit, I had been drinking, I had just left a wake. Seeing an opportunity for a shock value joke, since my work friends didn’t know I wasn’t attending, I sent the following text to what I thought was my work friends’ chat: “Oh I’m not going to that shit. It’s not even catered?” To a 9/11 Memorial. I hate myself. It would’ve landed in the correct chat, it’s mostly dark humor and they obviously would’ve known I was kidding. But I sent it to everyone I work with instead. 

I started getting individual messages saying “OMFG YOU DIDN’T!” and “You’re a fucking a idiot.” My blood ran cold, I thought I was gonna pass out. Only my big boss responded to my stupid fucking dumbass idiot text saying, “I’m very disappointed in your response and I hope you make time to attend.” I didn’t even acknowledge my mistake. What was I supposed to say? Wrong text? It made too much sense with what was said. I was joking? About a fucking 9/11 Memorial?! So I just pretended like I never sent it. Texted my boss the next morning to remind him I wouldn’t be at the memorial because I had a funeral and he just said “Sorry for your loss”. And that was it. But I know they think I’m a giant piece of shit now. 

This is the part where I’d try my best to impose some wisdom. Say double check your recipients before you start saying dumb shit. But we all know that’s never going to happen. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and accept that you’re an idiot.  

Farts Will Always Be Funny

I’d go as far as saying everyone alive has a funny fart story. It’s impolite to fart in public and almost equally as rude to acknowledge them. Laughing when you’re not supposed to is the hardest laughter to suppress. So when someone lets it fly in an environment they’re not supposed to it makes for a good memory. 

Thanks to Camilla Parker Bowles, the future Queen of England, or Royal Consort or whatever, farting is back in the news cycle. If The Crown is to be believed, Camilla has a knack for upper-echelon gossip. Her juiciest topic of late being a presidential two-cheek squeak. 

“It was long and loud and impossible to ignore”

Joe Biden farting during Scotland’s Climate Change Conference in front of the world’s leaders and elites is impossibly funny. Just picture the petitions and powerpoints on methane emissions as the most powerful man in the world releases his own methane from the third row. Our species at stake, on the topic of global doom, and Joe’s ripping freedom right in Camilla’s face. I like to picture his facial expression being unchanged as he farted. He’s 79 years old, how do you not laugh?

It’s the seriousness of the context that makes it stick the landing. My Dad farted once in the front row of Tarzan on Broadway and I couldn’t contain myself. But the hardest I ever laughed at a fart was at a funeral. I worked at a family-owned restaurant for ten years and one of the waitresses passed away unexpectedly. We were devastated. My work friends and I found ourselves sitting behind a regular who was famous for falling asleep in the restaurant. He farted in the middle of the memorial ceremony on the hardwood pew of the church. That thing had personality, it rumbled. We put our heads down and laughed for so long that coworkers came up to rub our backs thinking we were crying. In fairness there were tears. 

I can’t even blame Joe, I myself have Scotland related farting story. My Great Aunt was coming to our little New Jersey town from Glasgow when I was about 12. My mom lost her mind. It’s her godmother, they were a proper affluential family since my Great Uncle was a Judge in Scotland’s capital. My mom legit had us running etiquette lessons in the house. We had warnings on words we could and couldn’t say. My little brother and I were going to being separated for the entire meeting. So when we went to my grandparents for the grand introduction, I gave my Great Aunt Patsy a big hug and let out a noisy rumbler right in her arms. My dad’s and brother’s laughter did not help my case. My mother dragged me into the bathroom, ignoring my pleas. She put soap right in my mouth. Liquid soap too. She threw every threat she had at me with steam coming out of her ears. When we walked out my Aunt Patsy was still laughing. 

So Biden did a little toots? Lighten up Camilla, adulterer. There’s no chance he can control his own flatulence at this point. Tread lightly with your insinuations, because I’d wager her Majesty can’t either. And there’s nothing wrong with that, honestly it’s probably even funnier. 

In Defense Of Dave

Today was the day Business Insinder’s has been waiting for as they dropped their Dave Portnoy hit piece. What I assume is a blue print deployed by companies whenever they need to get their numbers up. I won’t even go into them advertising their pay wall to read the article, the ties to the stock market, and the curious timing of the publishing. What I’m trying to grasp is what was the message being portrayed. 

As far as I can tell, no criminal charges have been brought forward. So what are you trying to convey to the masses? An alternate title could have been “Dave Portnoy Has Sex With Women.” 

There’s a couple of lines in this article that I’d like to address that didn’t sit right with me. 
“He sent her graphic videos of other women he slept with,” I don’t know if this is true or not, but by Business Insider’s own admission, Dave sent a woman videos of what he does in the bedroom. And then we were what? Surprised by what he did in the bedroom? I’ve seen and know what Dave does in the bedroom and I’ve never even wanted to have sex with him. 
“He wasn’t funny at all. He just reminded me of a boring, grumpy old man.” Rude and unnecessary to the point you’re trying to get across. 
The middle of the article was the same old regurgitated stories of Dave and Barstool that surface every three months or so. These have been addressed so many times that it’s pointless for me to even comment on them. 
“Since 2020, Portnoy has issued commands on Twitter for his fans to ‘ATTACK!!!!’ people who criticize him or Barstool, tagging an employee who was hired expressively for the purpose of harassing Portnoy’s enemies.” First of all this just isn’t true. Dave has never asked fans to speak on his behalf. Does he deploy the Vindog, sure. But if you don’t understand that a 60 year old man flushing a poorly cropped head down the toilet is not aggressive pressure or intimidation (harassment), then you’re blind to the fact that you’re holding a comedy site to political standards. 
“While Portnoy was not a perpetrator in her harassment, Weiss believes he has created a culture in which the Stoolies run wild and Portnoy rarely tries to stop them.” Earlier in the article Business Insider  commented on how Barstool reports 54 million monthly unique visitors. To suggest that Dave is somehow responsible for the words and actions of 54 million people is deranged. Out of those 54 million, how many of them do you think “run wild”? Majority of Stoolies are regular every day people who enjoy the content without engaging in Twitter spats. There always was and always will be assholes on the internet. To imply that Dave Portnoy put them there is beyond credulous.
“Perpetually tan and bearded,” Not rude. 
“In the popular r/barstoolsports Reddit threads, Stoolies regularly discuss Portnoy’s conquests.” I mean come on, this is reputable journalism? A high school English teacher wouldn’t accept Reddit as a viable source. 
On a shared direct message to Dave from one of the women that were interviewed, it read, “I wanna be famous so bad I’d be so good at it” Now I’m not judging this DM. I respect the hustle, and applaud this woman’s honesty. Do you girl. But if these are the kind of DMs Dave’s receiving, are we really that shocked they’d rather make a Twitter headline than a police report?
Now I wasn’t there. I’m not saying Dave’s telling the truth. I’m not saying these girls are lying. I don’t know anybody involved. But what’s essentially happening, that I don’t appreciate, is that we are in the midst of a journalistic trial in which the defandant has already been deemed guilty without the right to defend himself. If something egregious did happen, send evidence from both sides into discovery, and have an actual trial where both parties state their case. 
But Business Insider already admitted that the woman they talked to doesn’t consider her interaction as sexual assault. So all we’re doing is spreading gossip about what Dave Portnoy does in the bedroom for a pay day. 

PSA To All The Crybabies Regarding CFB Playoff Rankings

Congratulations to the College Football Selection Committee for getting the rankings correct. I’ve been ripping shots of tears from CFB Twitter who have been stomping around and tugging at their hair because Alabama was ranked 2nd. Kudos to the committee for not giving into everyone’s inevitable whining. 

Every coach in the top four spots right now are either Nick Saban or one of his former assistants. You think he gets his ranking by accident?

We’re talking about a coach who has won 50% of the National Championships in the last twelve years. He’s played in eight out of those last twelve championship games. Alabama loses one away game to a top 15 team by three points and everyone’s all “Not fair! Alabama is terrible now! Blah bias blah biased! Wahhh but there’s other teams that are more deserving!” Shut the fuck up? That’s not the goal or the criteria. It’s the best four teams point blank. 

Cincinnati should have been in over them? Cincinnati? You mean the team that barely squeaked out a win against Navy? “But they beat Notre Dame away!” Shut your mouths about Notre Dame. They stink every year, even more so this season. ND beat Tulsa and FSU by only a field goal this year and both those programs have losing records. How much would you be willing to wager that Cincinnati is better than Alabama? No spread since they’re the better team. 

In fact, gun to your dick, name one team ranked behind Alabama that you’d pick to win at a neutral site. Chose correctly or say bye-bye to your clackers. Who has the balls to bet against the Tide in this scenario? No one. 

God I want Cincinnati so bad. If Alabama wins the SEC Championship they’ll be the number one seed. Hopefully the Big 10 eats itself or Oregon loses and Cincy sneaks into the four spot. If that’s the case, all you crybabies just signed their death warrant. 

But please, keep the whining and groaning coming. You’re only doing Nick Saban’s job for him. How do you motivate the #2 team when they’re getting everybody’s best game week in and week out? Show them the entire college journalism world telling them that they’re undeserving. Rat poison is a helluva drug. I’ll put up 500 on Alabama vs the field for the National Championship against anybody who’ll listen. As always, Roll Tide. 

What If Q Is Just A Big Ol Prankster

I have to be honest, I’m terrified about Q Anon and I have absolutely no idea what it actually is. I feel like five years ago they were just a person in a Guy Fawkes mask that would air out peoples’ dirty laundry on the internet. I’m not a political person in any sense, but I feel like they’ve now pivoted to political movements and conspiracy theories? 

My extent of Q Anon knowledge stems from scrolling through what’s trending on Twitter and my best friend’s mom occasionally telling us “what’s really happening in the world” while we’re trying to hit Same Game Parlays. So little to nothing. But what I do hear and see sometimes is so out there but I can’t help but giggle. 

For just a few seconds, imagine that Q Anon is actually the funniest person alive and the greatest internet troll of all time. Picture him/her/they sitting at a round table in a writing room: 

“Ok, what do we wanna do next? I was thinking we’d tell them JFK Jr. is coming back from the dead, again.”

“He died 22 years ago, no one’s going to believe that, Q.”

“Oh they’ll believe it.”

“Where are we going to say he’s going to reappear?”

“In the exact spot his where father was murdered…”

“There’s no fucking way you pull this off!”

And then they all sit back and laugh their asses off as they watch hundreds of middle aged white people with the same exact fashion sense standing in the rain saying the pledge of allegiance, waiting to see a resurrection. I mean, that’s a next level gag. That prank makes international headlines, Ashton Kutcher fucking wishes. 

What would even happened if he did show up? Supposedly he’s going to reinstate Trump? “Uhh sorry JFK  Jr., glad you’re alive and all but you can’t just announce someone as president, it doesn’t work like that.” Then Jr.’s just standing there twiddling his thumbs, like fuck I really thought that would work. 

Now I’m no fool. I’m sure there’s super elites, secret societies, and people behind the scenes with stupid amounts of power. But I would never base my personality around that? That’s for the back of my brain to worry about. The most amount of thought that conspiracies get from me is when I see something like it on a TV show or movie. Like the people in the gold animal masks in Squid Game. And I go “oh yeah that shits probably happening” and then I just go on with my life. Why? Cause you can’t prank a prankster. 

This isn’t my realm of expertise though. I’m not one of those weird people who share articles on Facebook and expect to change people’s world views. I don’t even vote. Politics isn’t for me, so naturally I really don’t know anything about Q Anon. I’m impressed with them in either outcome. If they’re telling the truth about anything, good for them for knowing all the secret spy things. If they’re lying to the masses to make people all silly, fucking hilarious. And if you’re reading this, Q, don’t kill me please. I’m just goofing around. Like you? Maybe?

The Gangster Greek Philosopher You’ve Never Heard Of

When most people picture the lives of Ancient Greek philosophers, it’s a bit stuffy. It’s all white marble, political discourse, professional rhetoric, and dudes in togas. But there was one man, quite possibly the most brilliant of them all, who said fuck all this and went the complete opposite way. 

Diogenes of Sinope was the cornerstone of the school of Cynicism. Extreme Cynicsim. Diogenes believed that we had gone too far in building societal norms and reverted back to his most natural self. Much like the well known Thoreau at his little pond. But Thoreau was a pussy compared to Diogenes. His goal was to relieve himself of all guilt, shame, and peer judgement through total self acceptance. To achieve true happiness in his eyes, he adopted the most idgaf lifestyle ever recorded. 

To prove his commitment to his Cynical philosophy, Diogenes abandonded his lavish lifestyle to live on the streets. His only wordly possession was a water bowl which he threw away when he saw a child drinking from cupped hands and famously said “What the fuck do I need this thing for.” He would beg for food, live in an oversized ceramic wine jar, and shit and piss whenever and wherever he felt the need. 

His most famous shit was in the middle of a theater. Although he was essentially a crazy hobo, Diogenes often found himself with a foot in both worlds. He was born to an influential father and knew the ways of the elites of Greece. Plus his intellect kept him in circles that he otherwise should have been shunned from. For example, one time a rich man invited Diogenes into his home and instructed him not to spit on the floor. So Diogenes spit in his face claiming it was the dirtiest place in the house. 

Diogenes didn’t have the ego of the other philosophers of his time. While his contemporaries were building schools to download their bullshit into new crops of students, Diogenes taught through actions and stunts. He was often seen carrying a latern at night and putting it in the face of passerby’s claiming he was looking for “an honest man in Greece.” 

Most didn’t agree with his methods, most notably Plato. Diogenes fucking hated Plato. He trolled him at every turn. Diogenes believed Plato to be an egomaniac who perverted the teachings of Socrates. Plato regarded Diogenes as a “Socrates gone mad.” It was popularized during this time to define man in the simplest form possible. Plato was praised for defining man as “featherless bipeds.” So Diogenes plucked a chicken and nailed it to Plato’s Academy exclaiming “Behold! Plato’s man!” 

His feud with Plato wasn’t his only interaction with one of the most recognizable names in your history books. Undoubtedly, my favorite Diogenes story involves Alexander The Great. Alexander was visiting Corinth where Diogenes lived and was greeted by all sorts of statesman and philosophers. Alexander had hoped to see Diogenes since he had previously turned down his invitation to meet. When Diogenes no showed Alexander’s arrival, the King of Macedonia sought out the homeless philosopher in the streets. He found Diogenes sun bathing and told him that he wanted to grant him any wish that he desires. Alexander was flexing his power while showing respect to Diogenes. In front of the massive crowd of people Diogenes responded “I wish you would stand out of my sun.” People were killed for far less. Diogenes basically told the most powerful man to ever live to go fuck himself. His guards waited for a command as Alexander walked away but instead he said “Surely if I was not Alexander, I would wish to be Diogenes.” 

Diogenes was eventually kidnapped by pirates who intended to sell him as a slave. While on the ship he and the other slaves were treated to harsh conditions and little food. Diogenes argued with the pirates that before you sell a pig you fatten them up. They were fed handsomely thereafter. He then made a mockery out of his own auction, swaying the crowd to his favor. When asked what his strengths were, Diogenes replied, “ruling men” and pointed to a man named Xeniades shouting, “Sell me to this man! He needs a master!” And Xeniades bought him to tutor his sons. Despite many friends trying to buy his freedom, Diogenes rejected the offers and lived most of the rest of his life with Xeniades and his family. 

There are many theories on the death of Diogenes. Because it is believed many of his teachings and writings were destroyed for being too controversial, we rely heavily on the secondhand accounts of his life. It is widely agreed upon that he lived to the age of about 90. My favorite story of his death is that he one day decided to simply hold his breath until he died. 

So while your at work this week, thinking about how much you hate it, consider Diogenes. None of these things we do is real. It’s all fabricated social norms we constructed to pass the time until we die. Be Diogenes where it permits, just don’t shit and masturbate in public.