Who The Fuck Made Brandon Crawford’s Daughter Cry?

I’m not kidding I think this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t think it’s too far to say that Brandon Crawford shouldn’t be prosecuted if he decides to hunt down these dickheads in Kill Bill fashion. 

I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t be all too happy with me casting the first stone here. I’ve said a lot worse things at arena’s than “You suck”. I know it’s a rivalry game, and they were probably boozin. I guess I want to know if the guys knew that Crawford’s daughter was right next to them. Actually, look at her face. She’s clearly to hold back the tears as one goes down her cheek. Fuck them whether the knew or not. 

I’ve said things at an LSU vs Bama game that would make Satan himself blush. Maybe I’m getting soft, but I don’t care. I have three little nieces now that I watch every Monday. I know it’s not the same as having your own kids. But I’m telling you right now, if grown men ever made my nieces make that face, I would castrate them. 

Who the fuck goes at Brandon Crawford anyway? Guys a career .250 hitter. Has he really been haunting your franchise for years? No disrespect to Brandon, but is that really the guy who’s skin you need to get under? Problem is Dodgers fans are a bunch of yuppies who don’t know shit about shit. I’m rooting for Brandon Crawford now. Fuck the Dodgers and fuck these guys. 

Summer Actually Does Suck, Get Me To Big Boy Winter

Hot Boy Summer isn’t a rallying cry, it’s a plea for mercy. Hating on summer isn’t a take for the sake of being a contrarian, summer sucks. If I have seasonal depression, it’s not the season where I’m watching football with no one to tell me to get out of the house to get some sunlight. 

Comfort wise it isn’t even close. They literally call summer the dog days, and boy do I breathe like one during those months. Filling your lungs with a crisp winter air though? It’s God’s natural vapes. You can always put more layers on, there’s only so many you can take off. 

A guy wearing an open button up with no shirt underneath and sunglasses on has most punchable face in the world. For me, picking out something to wear in the summer is worse than Sophie’s Choice. In the winter I can wear a fresh beanie and a jacket to cover my fat to compete. In the summer, the only way I can somewhat trick people into thinking that I’m not THAT overweight is to wear dark black clothes. The color that will attract the most heat. 

Pain is beauty. Time to pack myself in like a sardine at some stupid Tiki Bar. The worst kind of bar. You don’t meet anyone new at a Tiki Bar? You spend your entire time tactically playing a game of Risk where you and your friends slowly take over a chunk of a bar where you can get a drink without waiting forty minutes trying to get your next round. People bumping into you the whole time. Yours and their arm sweat sliding against each other as they pass. 

All to get too drunk. It’s scientifically proven somehow that you get more drunk in the sun. It’s probably because you’re replacing all the water you sweat out with booze. Every time I go to the bar for another round I wear a look on my face that says “please don’t serve me.” They never listen. The odds of making a bad decision in the summer is tenfold. Tis the season for making an ass out of yourself. The sun, decor, and outfits play tricks on your brain to make you think that you’re James Bond. When at best you’re James Corden.

But what’s the alternative? I sit in my house and fight a two front war on shame? First I have to fend off my mother who won’t stop opening my shades “to let the sun in,” the exact same sun that I’m trying to escape from. That’s her first hint. Then it’s “Oh what’re all your friends doing?” and “Aren’t you sick of watching TV?” No, I’m not. I’m not sick of air conditioning either. Sometimes I think she recruits my friends because they’re my next biggest obstacle. Inviting me to do things? How dare they. I hate more than anything feeling obligated to do things for the sake of doing things. God forbid I don’t answer and they start sending me Snapchats. That only makes me more mad because they put on a good front of having fun. It’s like seafood for me, I see my friends enjoying it and I know I should like to too, but I just don’t. 

I want football, and Christmas, and Buffalo wings, and cold hangovers. I love to brood when I drink. Do you know how hard it is to brood in the summer? Throws me out of my element. So I tough it out during these months. I cross off my calendar counting down the days until winter. The season where the rest of the world is just as miserable as I am. Because when we’re on an even playing field, that’s where I fucking thrive.

The Red Sox Are Cheating Again

Following this weekend’s series, the Yankees are now 0-6 against the Red Sox, 4th in the AL East, 6.5 games out of first, 5.5 games out of the Wild Card, and undefeated in kicking me repeatedly in the heart balls. The only thing keeping me going is the Red Sox cheating scandal. 

It’s very early stages scandal. By that I mean I have no evidence, no facts, no reason to believe that the Red Sox are cheating. I only know that it’s true because I need it to be true. That’s what the MLB is today. If you don’t like someone or something, find a reason to call them cheaters. 

Here’s all I got. Sox ended last year in last place. Literally eating the Orioles dust. Nobody took them seriously coming into this year. They had no incoming talent, the starters were suspect, and the bullpen was woof. The only difference between 2020’s last place team and 2021’s first place team is one man, Alex Cora. Known cheater, Alex Cora. Oh where was he last year? Canned by the Red Sox and suspended by the MLB for his contributions in the Astro’s cheating carnival. He had a whole year to sit in his living room and concoct the next evolution in the Apple watches and garbage can bloodline. I don’t know what he’s doing but he’s doing something.

And why wouldn’t you cheat? What’s the consequence? You lose a manager, GM, and a couple front office guys? You show me a single owner who wouldn’t trade them for a World Series and I’ll show you a liar. Hell, I’ll give you Boone for a bag of pretzels. 

Now that we agree that the Red Sox are guilty until proven innocent, what can the Yankees do to combat it. Seriously, any ideas? I have no good reasons for why this team isn’t good. Judge, Gio, and Stanton are actually performing. LeMahieu still got it, but he’s underperforming comparatively speaking to the last two seasons. I guess you can’t expect him to bat .340 every year. Gleyber looks like a lost puppy. No one told Clint there’s a game outside of bat speed. Everyone’s back on Gary’s dick completely disregarding the past practice that he’s probably a week and a half away from taking a month long vacation. Any starter not named Gerrit Cole is 4.00+ era. Not to mention, I don’t think it’s time to panic, but if you don’t have a lump in your throat while defending Cole you’re lying to yourself. The pen has been alright. The base running has been little league. And someone, anyone, needs to punch Boone in the fucking face. Wake him up. 

I’ve never been so lost on a trade deadline. Trade for Scherzer? Marte? Gallo? I don’t know if this teams worth it. The kid we traded for Taillon has a 2.00 era and 64 Ks in 45 innings pitched, so that’s great. The Scranton team has a AAA best 32-13. Maybe take a peak down there? Dominguez had his pro debut today. I don’t care that he went 0-2 with a walk, call him up. Fuck it, hit out the nukes. I’m kidding obviously, that’s ridiculous, irresponsible, and counter productive. But also I don’t know how much I’m kidding anymore. 

I mean, as much our pitching takes slack, it’s still Top 10 in era as a whole. We’re above league average in OPS, and the long ball is still right there. Plus people forget we’re out our 2 and 3 starters in Sevy and Klub….no. I need to stop. I’m going to talk myself into thinking we’re fine. We’re not fine, this is Stockholm’s syndrome. Steinbrenner’s syndrome even. 

The only actual contribution I can think up is to give CC a blank check to watch every single game inside the dugout. Media is coming at us from angles, along with our fans, and loud mouth Sox fans. I love Judge, and how he handles the media, but we’re lacking a command presence in that locker room. 

I’ll let you in on a secret. I looked up hitting statistics from the Sox last year to this year hoping I’d find something and came up empty handed. They were hitting last year. Hitting the shit out of the ball this year too. But they’re still cheating, and I’m going to figure out what it is. I’ll keep going until I find something or I come up with a better lie. Or until the Yankees make a run. Whatever comes first.

List Of People I Find Too Cocky

Real quick, I had a rough couple of days. I swear it’s relevant. I’ve been sleeping on my couch since my Aunt came up from Florida to donate her kidney to some distant cousin of hers. After putting in a 20 hour shift at work, I said fuck the couch and got a hotel room. I wound up getting super sick and it was one of the worst nights of my life.

As I was checking in, pre-sick, the hotel employee was one of the cockiest dudes I ever dealt with. He was like mad at me for trying to stay at his hotel? He scoffed when I told him I didn’t have a reservation. My man, this is a Holiday Inn in the suburbs on a Wednesday, not Bethlehem during the census. 

As I lay dying, shout out William Faulkner, the only thing I could think about was how unnecessarily cocky that conscierge was. I started compiling a list of people I find too cocky, here’s what I came up with. 

Servers Who Don’t Write Down The Order:

Look, I know that you’re probably capable of handling this but my 65 year old father doesn’t. A lot of things could happen between now and the time our food hits the table. Whether it was your fault, the kitchen’s fault, or the food runners fault, you’re to be blamed now all because you want to show off your little parlor trick. 

The “You Want Sum?!” British Guy:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdfmpp7G/

What does this guy know that I don’t? Anything short of him being some secret Jason Bourne agent and I’m cleaning him. 

Hibachi Chefs:

We’re not reinventing the wheel here. Everyone’s seen you’re little volcano, alright? Get some new material. So I couldn’t catch a little shrimp in my mouth, big deal? No need to have a little water bottle guy piss on me and have half a table of strangers laughing in my face. 

The North Sentinelese: 

They’re the meanest people on Earth and everyone constantly makes excuses for them. They kill and eat anyone who tries to say whatsup. Where do you get off? Anyone could blast you. I got news for you North Sentinelese, fightings changed a lot in 1000 years and if you came at me with rocks and spears I’m fucking you up. 

Middle-Aged People On Facebook:

You don’t know anything, like at all. Every day you get tricked on Facebook. Every single day. Stop yelling at me to educate myself at Thanksgiving because you read 100 fake articles on Facebook. You have no idea how the internet works. You know how your parents gave up their inheritance over the telephone? Some fake social security scam where they give up all their personal information and you thought, how could they fall for that? That’s how we feel about you on Facebook.

Bob Saget:

Look, I don’t dislike Bob Saget but the man is cocky. People are out here every damn day getting canceled and he is constantly saying reckless shit. Bob was the face of family television for a lot of us. Host of AFV, Danny Tanner on Full House. Then what does he do? Writes a book called “Dirty Daddy” talking about doing whipits on set and groping the dolls they had sit in for the Olsen twins during practices. 

My Best Friend Ordering A Soft Shell Crab Sandwich At An Old Diner:

It was after a Rascal Flatts concert and we were all drunk off our asses but that was still no excuse. It’s an old dirty diner. It’s meant for cheese fries, not seafood. You could tell nobody had ever ordered it. They had to blow the dust off that thing. It had probably been sitting in the freezer since 1976. I’m pretty sure the waitress said “You sure?” when he ordered it. 

That’s it, the end. For now. There’s no other way to sign off on this. I know it and you know it. So if you’re thinking about criticizing my last paragraph here, don’t get too cocky. 

Real Life Duttons (Yellowstone) Run For Governor In Idaho

When I first started watching Yellowstone, I thought there was no way people still live like this. Cowboys and Native American reservations, fighting with with the federal government over cattle territory. I mean, what century is it? None of it seemed plausible until I read about the Bundy family. 

The Bundy family first came into the limelight over a lands dispute with the government in 2014. The feds came knocking for a cool million from the patriarch, Clive Bundy, for twenty-one years of grazing fees. So pretty much his cattle was chilling on federal land, so the government said “fuck you pay me”. He refused, they took his cattle, so this old ass rancher got in a damn standoff with Uncle Sam. 

Cliven, such a dope name, started recruiting militia from all over the country to fight off the Bureau of Land Management. Like wtf? How do you even have militias phone numbers. He wrote his plea titled “Range War Emergency Notice and Demand For Protection” and people answered his call. Since the Bundys declare Range War on the US they sent a bunch of armed men over to handle the situation. 

Well it all came to head on April 12th when the Bundy protestors decided to block Interstate 15 and cause a two hour traffic delay on both sides. That alone should be 25 to life. The militia tactically set up on overheads and had rifles ready to take out Bureau Agents while the Bundys met them on horseback armed to the teeth. They returned the cattle within thirty minutes.

Think the Bundy’s stopped there? Cliven’s sons Ammon and Ryan decided two years later to overtake and occupy a federal building in Oregon for over a month. They claimed to protest tyranny and demanded federal lands to be transferred over to rancher property. The occupation ended in a shootout with one militia member killed. 

Now you’re probably wondering about the title. How in the hell could these guys run for governor from prison? Well it’s simple, they’re not in prison. They were acquitted. This is some Dutton family, Yellowstone type shit. How many people do the Bundys have in their pocket to get away with stealing a federal building for 41 days, shooting their way out, only to walk around like nothing happen.

Avoiding jail would’ve been enough for me to take my ball and go home. But Ammon Bundy, ringleader of the 2016 shootout, has decided to take a victory lap. He’s rubbing the government’s nose in his freedom by running for Governor of Idaho. Because if there’s one thing that anti-government people love, it’s joining the government.

How Much Money Would A Male Sex Podcast Make?

The answer is: not enough to cover the bail. Any man who created a sex-geared podcast would be on every FBI watchlist possible. There would be nothing edgy or enlightening about it, just downright creepy. Is it a double standard? Probably. But it’s definitely one we should keep in tact. 

When Call Her Daddy took the internet by storm, how did the female community react? They empowered one another, started calling each other sluts endearingly, they formed a gang and made bylaws encouraging infidelity. How would guys react if there was a dudes sex podcast? “Cool man, you have sex. We get it.”

Guys can’t have a sex podcast because 80% of their stories are made up. It would be more like gross fan fiction. Nobody wants to hear my sex podcast. I don’t want to hear my sex podcast? No ones intrigued by me drunkenly hitting up an ex at 3am so I can clumsily fiddle around with her bra strap for a silent six minute escapade with the lights off and my shirt on. The only place a guy giving instructions for a Slurp Slurp 9000 should be seen is on a police report. 

Congratulations to Alex Cooper who is now officially making more money per year than Noh Syndergaard. There’s going to be a lot of copycats that stem from the Spotify deal. Let’s hope none of them are men. 

Would You Have Sex With The Toothless Tik Tokker?

During this blog, I’m going to try and remain honest with you and myself. But no promises. This toothless Tik Tokker has been all over every social media outlet for her makeup and dentures transformation. 

I don’t know this woman’s story or what she’s been through. But she’s been through it. For the sake of this question, I don’t want anyone to know her story. We’re basing this little experiment solely on looks. I know that’s not really kosher, but fuck off like you don’t have a Tinder profile? 

In a different century, she’d be burned at the stake for this. I don’t want to hear another word about my receding hairline when I take my hat off. Not when women are shapeshifting like this. 

I think you already know the answer to my title. I wouldn’t have written this whole thing just to say no? That’d be silly. You can act like you’re above it, with that little ego of yours. But you can’t expect me to believe if bottom picture asked you to come back to her place after a night out on the dance floor that you’d say no. She’s hot. You’d take down Melissandre and you know it. 

The worst part about all of this is that I’m acting like I’d still be the decision maker. It hurts, but there’s a high probability that @princxssglitterhead takes one good look at me and laughs at my attempt to pick her up. The irony isn’t lost on me, I’m laughing at the thought of getting turned down by a gummy Hocus Pocus character. But I’m only laughing on the outside.