Super Mario Is The Bad Guy

First of all, never trust a man with an upside down mustache. Like what the fuck even is that? Nintendo Switch is all the craze during lockdown. I'd like to remind you to play with an open mind. As you get older it's important to view each situation from multiple points of view. Like Mario, he's actually the bad guy of the story.  

I've been in enough Jersey bars to recognize a jealous Italian douchebag when I see one. Lets take a look at the evidence, shall we? Mario constantly wears his work clothes out in public like he wants everyone to know what a hard worker he is. Probably in the Pipefitters Union. He embroidered his hat with his own initial. Anyone who disagrees with him he calls "goomba" like anyone even knows what the fuck that means. When he feels a fight coming on he takes his "special mushrooms". Steroids. His weird ass lanky ass brother has been side eyeing you the whole night. Every time he jumps he fist pumps...

Enter Bowser. If you like the bad boy type, he's your man. Bowser rocks a flaming red mohawk, with a spiked necklace and bracelets. He's probably in a biker gang. Yet, he has a sensitive side. He's a single father with custody of his son, Bowser Jr. Must be doing something right in the eyes of the court. Plus he's filthy stinking rich. Mario is constantly tracking down his ex, Peach, to Bowser's mansion. When Mario shows up? Bowser's like don't worry Peach baby, we can go to my OTHER CASTLE. Pimpin ain't easy.  

Don't believe everything Big Nintendo throws at you. Question everything. We're a "Rahn Stahp!" away from Super Mario Bros being a episode of the Jersey Shore. Play responsibly.

I Switched Up My Porn & Tried Cam Girls

This is uncomfortable. The number one reason guys have a lock on their phone is because they don't want you to know what kind of porn they're watching. Number two reason is they're probably cheating on you. I was getting sick of porn. A sentence I never thought I'd write. I don't have a girlfriend to go to couples' therapy with to learn how to get the excitement back. So I decided to spice things up in my porn life. I tried cam girls. 

After the decision was made, I don't want to say I was excited cause that's gross, but I felt like a teenager again about to watch porn for the first time. I don't think it's illegal, but it sure felt like it. I was taken down a peg though when I put in my card information. The second I hit 'Confirm Payment' I could feel my identity getting stolen. Well deserved. I got over that quickly enough when I realized the stakes were that much higher.  

If you don't know what cam girls are then you probably have a premium porn subscription with no ads. Essentially you pay to tell a girl, or couples what you want to see in your porn and they do it. The more extravagant and weird your request is, the more 'tokens' it will cost you. It's the "choose your own adventure" of porn if you will. 

Every guy has to make the decision of finding that sweet spot in the porn their watching for their big finale. Sometimes it happens organically. Sometimes you appreciate a scene after you've gone through the entirety of the video and have to rewind. I figured this cuts out the middle man and puts me right in the sweet spot. 

Since we're in the trust tree, no judgement quarantine zone, I said cam girls but I went to the 'Couples' tab. A girl going crazy on a vibrator just doesn't really do it for me. I clicked on my first 'room' and immediately realized I was out of my league. Dudes were paying these couples 100 tokens for handjobs... I didn't have the capital for that. I had a hundred total to work with. 

There were thousands of horny guys in these rooms all fighting for the attention of the artists. Idiots. I went to the last page and decided not to enter unless there was 19 viewers or less. I owned that market. I was able to haggle down prices over fifty percent because they were just surprised someone with money was in their room.  

When I finally pulled the trigger and paid for something I felt like screaming "Action!". I commenced, sorry, after about 35 seconds. But the couple, the professionals they are, just kept going. I was stuck. I had created this porn baby and I was not ready for that kind of responsibility. I wanted to leave but wasn't sure if they would be notified that I left. How terrible would that be. They were performing for me! I just had to lay there nodding at the screen like "good job", while my willy got smaller one wrinkle at a time. When they finished up they started having a conversation, which is something you just don't see in porn. Hit me like a brick wall. I wanted to tell them I was sorry, that I forgot they were actual people for a second. I was drowning in shame. 

In the end, all I did was pay for porn. Like a chump. I paid for something I could have just entered into the PornHub search bar. I regret what I did, but I'll tell you what. It made me appreciate what was right in front of my face the whole time, free porn. Now excuse me, I have to go apply for a new debit card. 

People Who Argue About Joe Exotic Just Don't Get It

We live in a disclaimer society. You are no longer allowed to say that you like something, without first listing all the reasons why you know you're not supposed to like it. If you haven't seen Tiger King then you must be eighty years old. No other explanations will be excused. Our antihero of the story, Joe Exotic, is larger than life itself. He's a piece of shit who killed tigers, and yeah the whole murder for hire thing isn't a great look even if Carole Baskin did kill her husband. There I said it. Now, I love Joe Exotic and think he's fucking hilarious. 

This is how imagine the conversation went from the sellers of the documentary. 

"Hey you wanna see my documentary?"

"Hi I'm Netflix what's it about?" 

"It's about a gay polygamist who owns a tiger zoo, tries to murder his adversary, runs for office, and ultimately ends up in prison after his straight husband accidentally kills himself."

"Fuck you. What comic book is this from?"

"No it really happened."

"What does he look like?"

"Kind of gangly. He wears strictly cheetah print and has a blonde mullet with brown Triple H facial hair."

"Gtfo. What does he do for fun?"

"He shoots at and blows up a doll version of the lady who's suing him."

"Get out. Is there drugs?"

"Well not really but it's heavily implied they're all doing them. Plus we got the guy that was based on Scarface."

"Oh.....kay. Is that his only occupation? Tiger keeper?"

"Glad you asked. No, actually. He's thinks he's a country music star. Even though he doesn't write or even sing any of his songs. He just records the music videos."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"What about other characters? Is it just him?"

"Oh heavens no. There's his two straight husbands, his employee who lost their arm to a tiger, his employee who lost his legs unrelated to tigers, an occultist tiger version of the Crocodile Hunter, a douchebag entrepreneur who wears a durag underneath his hat, and Al Davis' long lost son who rats everyone out in the end on his jet ski."

"Please sign here." 

Joe Exotic very well may be the last American folk hero. His mannerisms, his behavior, his life would not be believable if there wasn't hours of footage on it. It's an American tradition to root for our folk icons, despite their immoral and rash past. Take Billy The Kid for example. The first man Billy ever killed was an unarmed blacksmith. Totally illegal, even by old West standards. That guy has his own museums. Joe Exotic is the last of a dying breed.

Stop trying to make me feel bad for laughing at something that's so obviously funny. If someone can find humor in an otherwise dark situation, that doesn't make them a bad person. Just because you wrote an article about how you don't like the Tiger King doesn't make you a good person.

To the morally superior crying about everyone glorying Joe Exotic, just shut up. Tweeting "Free Joe Exotic" is a guarantee for getting likes on Twitter, that's it. No one who knows this man solely from the documentary is actually losing sleep about him being in jail. Leave your complaints in the box if you must, but they won't be read. If you want to play hero, go get Michael Rapaport. He's also a known cat killer, but he's still on the loose.  

You Either Die A Hero, Or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villain

Today I found out that I have a real tough time spelling the word "villain". Learn something new every day. Anyway, what's going on with this whole #FireFauci thing on Twitter? Apparently a video from him in February saying people can still go about their normal day is enough for Twitter to call for his job. Are the days so long now that we've forgotten a mere month ago how quickly things escalated? One day we shaking hands and kissing babies, the next night the NBA was cancelled. Let's pump the brakes on the good doctor. 

I need to point out that this is not a political post. I don't care about any of that shit. I'm not a Republican or Democrat or anything else for that matter. I'm more of a political atheist. Well, no that's not completely correct. I'm not one of those crazies who believes in no government. Political agnostic maybe? I don't know what the fuck is going on in politics so I just don't pay it any mind. So if you think I'm writing this to support the ideals of any political party, you're a wrong idiot. 

I heard Patrice O'Neal one time talking about racism in the Jewish community and how they handled things correctly. Stick with me, I promise I'm making a point. Patrice says that Jews don't hate all Germans or all Egyptians. They only hate Hitler and Pharaoh. By attaching a singular person to something so hated, it gives masses of people the ability to move on. If you're upset about the lack of progress with Covid-19 and you're told it's Dr. Fauci's fault, then you'll see his removal as progress. I'm asking you to reconsider. 

Dr. Anthony Fauci has been the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases since 1984. 1984! He was still director when Ghostbusters first aired in theaters. This man went 12 rounds with fucking AIDS itself. Not to mention his leading contributions in SARS, Swine Flu, and Ebola. Fauci has been a presidential aid to every president since Reagan. Don't pull the rug out because your'e scared of something you don't understand. 

All I'm saying is I don't think this guy is just dicking around in a lab somewhere, collecting a paycheck. You have no idea what Fauci does on a day to day basement. I have no clue either, but I'll put my faith in the man who's been director for the last 36 years. Stop tweeting #FireFauci because you want something to be mad at. Don't make a sacrificial lamb out of the one American we should be trusting most with this issue. Keep doing your thing old man.  

My Room Is Too Bright

I don't want to act like I'm proud that I changed the light bulbs in my ceiling fan, but just know that I did it. It wasn't like your regular ol lamp jobs where you just unscrew and screw. I actually had to take shit apart using tools. It was the first time I used a tool in maybe five years. If you knew my father, you'd be surprised that we even had tools in my house. His carpenter father-in-law always resented him for that. But I did it. Didn't even have to youtube anything. Just good old fashioned deductions and elbow grease. One problem, my rooms too bright now. 

I like my room vampire level dark. My blinds sucked and I really wanted to put curtains over them. Between the morning sun and the TV glare I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't even know where to begin. I figured I would have to use power tools. My parents told me never to touch those since I was seven and I've lived by that ever since. So I texted the chef at the restaurant I used to work at. We're good buddies, I play soccer with him every once in awhile. They call it football. Oh yeah almost forgot, he's Mexican. I texted him "You know how to install curtains?". He replied "Mas o menos", which means "Yes of course!" in Spanish. When I asked how much he wanted to do the job, he told me to buy the supplies and a thirty pack for us to get drunk when he was finished. Which like, I honestly don't understand why people are so angry at Mexicans stealing everyone's jobs. Or OSHA's 11 as I like to call it. They're the Renaissance hombres of our period, and we should all appreciate that they're around. Thanks German, curtains look great! 

What do I do with this newfound brightness now? It's really hurting my eyes. Do I take one of the lightbulbs out to dim things? This is literally shining light on things that gross me out about my room that I'm not ready to confront. It's so fucking bright I can't even get tired with the light on anymore, and I LOVE being tired. Honest to God, I don't even drink coffee because I'm afraid it will make me not tired. What am I going to do?

I've got it. I'm only going to use the lamp in my room until my lightbulbs get back to a comfortable tone. I'll have to leave the lights on while I'm at work to speed up the process. My electricity bill is going to be a nightmare, but can you really put a price on sanity?   

Resurrecting 11 Of Your Biggest Fears For Easter

Tis the season of resurrections. Normally resurrecting on Easter is meant to celebrated. I figured I'd balance things out, ying and yang sort of deal. Sometimes your fears come to you late a night in your bed or in the early morning showers. They make your toes curl or bury your face in a pillow. Today they're being delivered in blog form. 

11. It's not that your middle school haircut aged poorly. It sucked the whole time and everyone knew it. 

10. You joined Twitter at a young age and have no idea if there's a tweet in there that could ruin your career. 

9. That dude that you were worried about with your high school girlfriend banged her right after you guys broke up.

8. People haven't forgotten that you wore a fedora to the eighth grade field trip. There's pictures of it.

7. Despite all the school assemblies warning you about perverts on the World Wide Web you still consensually showed your dick on Chatroulette. Your underage wiener is somewhere on the internet forever. 

6. Your middle school girlfriend still has that cheesy gift you bought her for Christmas. Sometimes her friends bring it up and they all laugh about it. It was never thoughtful, it was borderline creepy.

5. Remember that one time when you were eating at that restaurant with your family for St. Patrick's Day and the waitress referred to you as "her" because of your oily skater haircut and your boy-boobies. Then your little brother and your dad laughed at you for the rest of the dinner.  

4. You only think you deleted every picture of you from that night in college. The one where you got drunk and passed out on the communal toilet naked with shit still in the bowl and puke at your feet. You can never know for sure if one of your friends still has it. 

3. Everybody remembers that you used to wear your shirt in the pool at pool parties. No one believed that you accidentally fell or were pushed in every time. 

2. Your dad still hasn't cashed in on his IOU from that one time you blacked out in Hoboken in a full Santa suit and your beard spray painted white. When you lost your friends and woke up to getting kicked off the train around midnight somewhere in New York. Then when you realized you had no money and your phone was dead, so you convinced a cab driver to drive you back home to New Jersey two hours away. You and the driver talked the whole time but you can't remember what was said except for when he suggested that you get him blow and go out to a bar somewhere near your house. Then after you denied his advances he dropped you off home and charged your dad over $200 for the ride. Your dad still has that over you. 

1. You project your fears onto others a lot. 

Good luck trying to sleep tonight after I just resurfaced all those memories for you. 

Do The Right Thing, Get Divorced When Your Kids Are Young

The modern adage "We're staying together for the kids" is the biggest crock of shit out there. You're staying together cause you're hoping romance will magically resurrect itself (little Easter joke). Take my word for it, you aren't doing your kids any favors. Pull the trigger.

My parents got separated eight months ago. I'm not sad or heartbroken, I just find the whole thing extremely annoying. I much rather they would have made me one of those kids in the fourth grade that was picked on because their parents didn't love each other anymore. Instead, I'm suddenly a marriage counselor/divorce mediator. You don't have to worry about that shit when you're little. Kids get the "Mommy and daddy still love each other very much, but things aren't working out" speech. Not the "Every time they walk into the kitchen I just want to throw my cereal at their head" speech. You don't get the G rated version when your my age.

When I was around 16 my parents were on my ass about cleaning out my grandparents basement. My grandparents said they didn't give a shit and I was 16, so I constantly put it off. For like months. Then one day Grandma and Grandpa's basement flooded. I had to haul everything out waterlogged and smelling like the creek at the end of the street. I remember thinking to myself "Why didn't I just do this when I was supposed to. Now I'm stuck with all this extra shit". That's how I feel about this divorce. I wish it would've been done fifteen years ago, so nobody gave a shit about it by now.

What's so bad about growing up in a broken family anyway? You aren't losing a parent, you still have two of them. On top of that, you now have two bedrooms, two Xboxes, two sets of clothes, two fucking Christmases! Do you know what you get for the holidays when mom and dad get divorced in your late twenties? You get to choose who's heart to rip out when you spend it with the other parent. Getting a "First time in twenty-seven years we didn't have dinner together on New Year's Eve" text from your mom is an awesome way to start off the new decade. Today, on Easter, my dad guilted me for not going to the cemetery to visit my Nan...while I was taking a shit. "Nan got big plans today does she? I think she'll still be there whenever I get to it. Oh and by the way, I'm going to mom's today."

Fucking everyone is divorced, don't pretend like you're shielding kids from some unspoken taboo. If you're young and divorced with kids, good on ya. If you're not so young and you're holding out, stop lying to yourself and using your children as an excuse. Happy Easter!