You know when you’re in an airport or at Disney World or sitting in Central Park and you’re watching the people go by and you wonder what they’re like? I don’t wonder. I know. It’s like a sixth sense. You ever seen that Cumberbatch Sherlock show? Where he meets someone and shakes their hand and says “your brothers a drunk” and they’re like “how tf you know that?!” That’s me. But instead of downtown London, I take my talents to dating profiles to sharpen my skills.
I know exactly who someone is by their dating profile. I understand the things they’re saying and the things they don’t realize they’re saying. Pictures and bios are equally as important for the power of deduction. Everything you need to know is right there staring you in the face. I can tell if someone’s quirky. I can tell if someone thinks they’re quirky. I know who’s hiding that they have money. I know the people who pretend to have money. I know the uptight and the loose. I know all.
I’ve had Tinder for like eight years, never once been laid from it. Apparently my medieval bodyguard looks and knack for cristicism isn’t as charming as I think it is. But damn it if I don’t enjoy looking at the profiles. This is what I do with my time on these dating apps, here are some of my findings:
- If a guy has a hat on in every picture he’s bald. Can confirm. But if a girl has a hat on in every picture she’s a redneck or has a tongue piercing.
- Women 40+ think they’re these sexy experienced cougars but their blurry pictures only make them ineptly adorable.
- There must be men out there who are attracted to women flexing their muscles, I just haven’t met any.
- Just because your eyes are closed in a picture doesn’t mean we believe it’s candid.
- Beware of bangs.
- People who still duck face in every picture are out of touch with reality.
- People who post pictures of them meeting celebrities at meet and greets think we’ll be impressed. But at our age, it’s just uncomfortable. We know they’re not your friends?
- Obvious catfish are as equally funny as they are sad. There’s so many out there that there’s obviously a decent success rate. Some poor soul will have their account drained but it’s like, lol how did you fall for that?
- What perception do you think you’re receiving when you put “I can out drink you” in your bio? Cause I can tell you it’s not the one you want.
- Having a picture with a dog in your profile doesn’t make you wholesome. Most people have dogs, most people aren’t wholesome.
- Putting something in quotations doesn’t make you an intellectual.
- There is a staggering amount of profiles that say “My son/daughter is my number one priority, you will come second to them ✌️” These people obviously have no foresight. One, hello, and two, why would someone who’s never met you assume they take precedent over the child you’ve birthed? No duh.
- If you have sunglasses on in every picture I know you got that Rick Ross.
- There’s a picture of you brushing your teeth to trick people into thinking that’s what you look like when you wake up but we know you already have makeup on.
- Look, I’m not skinny either. But if every picture is a close up your face, we know. Own that shit, someone’s into it.
- Just because you have a thong bikini on doesn’t mean we think you have a nice ass. We’re not as easily fooled as you think.
- End it on a positive. People who make fun of themselves are the only ones worth a shit. As long as it’s not overkill, we get it.
Charmer, right? My lack of success on these dating apps is pretty glaring in this blog. I’ll admit, the girls took the brunt of this one since I can’t see the guys profiles. But stay tuned, I’m working on that.
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