I Don't Think We Can Be Friends If You Use Any Of These Emojis

I could never bring myself to use emojis. I haven't gotten good reviews from it either. Women have told me I make them uncomfortable from my lack of little yellow pictures. I also don't use "lol", it really bothers them. Do I find myself intellectually superior from my silent protest on emojis? Only a little bit. I'm not calling you stupid if you use them, but you're probably at least a little dumb. 

Girls get a pass on emojis in my book. I don't have any good reason why, it's just how I feel. Only in texting though, if you post any of these emojis, all bets are off. And any guy that uses these emojis, text or post, cannot apply for the coveted position of being my compadre.

Crown Emoji

Have some self respect. If you feel the need to crown another person publicly then you undoubtedly hold yourself to a low standard. Nothing good can come from a crown emoji. If you post this in regards to a female, you're a "simp", as the kids say. If you post a crown at a man, I have no choice but to think you want to be cucked. Either way you should probably see a therapist. 

Nose Smoke Emoji

Nobody cares about your workout or your progress. If you aren't using this emoji for fitness, stop posting this when NBA players dunk on somebody. It's weird. Are you saying that dunk made you puff out, or them? Erroneous on both counts, just use an exclamation point like an adult. 

Squinty Tongue Out Emoji

This is one of the emojis that girls can use whenever without fear of my harsh criticism. It's just cheeky enough to make it acceptable. If you're a straight man selecting this on a keyboard, what the fuck are you doing? You aren't cheeky, you're scaring people. 

Double Hand Emoji

I don't believe you've ever had an authentic reaction in your life. You say "Yeessssss" a lot too and it's nauseating. What even is this anyway? Are you bowing down like Wayne's World's "We're not worthy". I don't believe so, I think it's a two handed high-five. I have never even considered giving somebody a high ten. Put your fucking hands down you weiner.


Prayer Hands Emoji
No sense of irony. You're taking something that symbolizes a sacred practice and simplifying it to Simpson hands for attention. Either you're putting something hilariously not serious (prayer hands) on a serious post (death/memorial picture) or you're preying on somebody's religious views in hopes that they'll notice you. Where is your shame?

Like in all things, not every emoji is useless. The side eyes and clown face emojis are funny. Other than that, if you feel the need to express yourself, use your big boy words. Until then I'll have consider myself smarter than you. Well in all fairness, even if you change your ways, I'll probably still think I'm smarter than you. Type however you please, but know there are consequences.