Beloved/Belittled Part 2: The Hypocrisy Of Cancel Culture

Canceling people isn’t real, we all know that deep down. The media declares “canceled” like Michael Scott declares bankruptcy. Doesn’t make it true. The evident proof is the difference in people who have committed the same “atrocities” that have received vastly different treatment. 

Example 1:

 

Do you know of a celebrity that stood up for their spouse on a very public platform? Somebody made a joke about their betrothed and they quickly ran to the defense to protect them from the masses? Yeah me too. Kristin Cavallari.

Kristin’s Instagram post of her then husband, Jay Cutler painted him in a not so flattering light. All the insta-comedians came out posting comments like, “WTF did he eat himself?” Unable to take the onslaught of jokes being hurled at her husband, Cavallari’s justice was swift. She posted another picture of Cutler with the caption, “Since Jay looked like a 300-pound lesbian in my last post, I felt I should do him justice by posting him looking hot AF in this one.” Despite her dragging the LGBTQ community into this for seemingly no reason, Cavallari was praised for her defense of her helpless husband. 

Fast forward to this year’s Oscar’s ceremony. Oh yes. Jada Pickett Smith, wife of our Fresh Prince, Will Smith, also found herself on the wrong end of a half-assed written joke. Given the praise in the past that people have received for defending their spouses, surely Will thought he had a green light. Just a little slap? Just a little one. What happened? Public hysteria and a ban from The Academy. With I Am Legend 2 right around the corner no less. What are we supposed to do? All pretend like he shouldn’t receive an Oscar nom for his reprisal of Dr. Robert Neville? Fat chance. 

Example 2:

Were you watching that time when millions of families tuned in to watch their beloved sport only to have an athlete wipe his ass with sportsmanship and give the viewers the middle finger? The athlete claims it was in response to years of targeted ridicule from the outspoken and often rough fan base. I’m talking of course, of Eli Manning. 

During ESPN’s Manningcast of Eagles vs Cowboys, Eli and Peyton Manning had Chris Long on to talk about the reputation of Philadelphia’s fanbase. Eli promptly gave the entire country the “double bird” on national television. Mind you, unprovoked. You think there were no more Manningcasts following that? Of course not. We chalked it up to a funny meme for a week or two and carried on with our lives. 

But now the same ESPN who broadcast Eli’s vulgar display of fingers, wants Kyrie Irving’s head on a platter for the same action. Unlike Eli, Kyrie was being called a pussy by the Celtic fanbase while casually dropping 39 in a heated playoff game. Why the different treatment? What is the obviously glaring difference between Kyrie and Eli hmmm? HMMMM?! Correct, Kyrie was outspoken about being vaccinated. 

Example 3:

Do you know any Russians with a little penis who’s taken the world by storm due to their thirst for violence? Every time you turn on a screen there they are, while everyone’s discussing their latest attack. Right, Hasbullah. 

Hasbullah has stolen the hearts of the American people with vicious haymakers and high pitched exclamations. The other side of that coin of course, Vladimir Putin, not so much. Just going to go ahead and say good cancel. Nailed this one. I fully endorse cancelling Vladimir Putin. But you see what I’m getting at here. 

Example 4: 

A not so funny lesbian comedian has found her way into making headlines for ridiculing and yelling at people who’s names she doesn’t even know. Uh huh, you’ve guessed it, Hannah Gadsby. 

Despite never meeting me, I was scolded by Hannah Gadsby in her Netflix special “Nanette”. Which The NY Times described as “Comedy-Destroying, Soul-Affirming, Art.” For her tongue-lashing, I mean in Nanette, Hannah Gadsby won an Emmy, a Peabody Award, a GLAAD Media Award, and an AACTA for Best Comedy Performer. 

But God forbid Ellen Degeneres yells at the people who work for her. Oh I’m sorry, have you never been yelled at by your boss before? Impractical Jokers-esque games with Adele in a Jamba Juice, word association with Justin Bieber, giving Kristen Bell a sloth to the point of tears? Did that mean nothing to you people? hope you’re happy, no more Taylor Swift jump scares. 

Example 5: 
How about a couple of dicksy chicks who made it into the limelight for their criticism of a wrinkly old white man who forced himself into occupying territory that he had no business being in? That’s right, former Playboy Bunny of The Girl’s Next Door hit reality television show, Holly Madison. 
Holly since leaving The Girls Next Door has been outspoken about the dark side of being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend. During her A&E docuseries, Madison detailed the hellish conditions that came with the price of being a resident of the Playboy Mansion. She even went on to describe her love for Hefner as a Stockholm Syndrome relationship. Besides the docuseries “Secrets Of Playboy”, Holly has authored a New York Times Best Seller memoir “The Vegas Diaries: Romance, Rolling The Dice, and The Road To Reinvention” and was a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Glad to see she’s doing well now, she was always my favorite. 
BUT when 13 time Grammy winners formerly known as The Dixie Chicks, found themselves in a similar predicament, they fell victim to possibly the first ever recorded canceling. During a 2003 London show, The Dixie Chicks were quoted saying, “We don’t want this war, this violence, and we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.” Stations stopped playing their music, their Billboard Top 10 single fell to 43 in just one week, and my poor mother could no longer unwind on the back porch while listening to “Landslide” on the radio after a long day. The Dixie Chicks were forced into a long hiatus and a name change to “The Chicks”. 

These people choose the flavor of the week and their reasoning normally has nothing to do with what they’re being canceled for. They’re obviously not all made up. Again, want to reiterate, Putin definitely a good cancel. But as far as everybody as else goes, do your own homework and draw your own conclusions. 

Online People Watching And Findings

You know when you’re in an airport or at Disney World or sitting in Central Park and you’re watching the people go by and you wonder what they’re like? I don’t wonder. I know. It’s like a sixth sense. You ever seen that Cumberbatch Sherlock show? Where he meets someone and shakes their hand and says “your brothers a drunk” and they’re like “how tf you know that?!” That’s me. But instead of downtown London, I take my talents to dating profiles to sharpen my skills.

I know exactly who someone is by their dating profile. I understand the things they’re saying and the things they don’t realize they’re saying. Pictures and bios are equally as important for the power of deduction. Everything you need to know is right there staring you in the face. I can tell if someone’s quirky. I can tell if someone thinks they’re quirky. I know who’s hiding that they have money. I know the people who pretend to have money. I know the uptight and the loose. I know all. 

I’ve had Tinder for like eight years, never once been laid from it. Apparently my medieval bodyguard looks and knack for cristicism isn’t as charming as I think it is. But damn it if I don’t enjoy looking at the profiles. This is what I do with my time on these dating apps, here are some of my findings: 

- If a guy has a hat on in every picture he’s bald. Can confirm. But if a girl has a hat on in every picture she’s a redneck or has a tongue piercing. 

- Women 40+ think they’re these sexy experienced cougars but their blurry pictures only make them ineptly adorable. 

- There must be men out there who are attracted to women flexing their muscles, I just haven’t met any. 

- Just because your eyes are closed in a picture doesn’t mean we believe it’s candid. 

- Beware of bangs. 

- People who still duck face in every picture are out of touch with reality. 

- People who post pictures of them meeting celebrities at meet and greets think we’ll be impressed. But at our age, it’s just uncomfortable. We know they’re not your friends?

- Obvious catfish are as equally funny as they are sad. There’s so many out there that there’s obviously a decent success rate. Some poor soul will have their account drained but it’s like, lol how did you fall for that?

- What perception do you think you’re receiving when you put “I can out drink you” in your bio? Cause I can tell you it’s not the one you want. 

- Having a picture with a dog in your profile doesn’t make you wholesome. Most people have dogs, most people aren’t wholesome. 

- Putting something in quotations doesn’t make you an intellectual. 

- There is a staggering amount of profiles that say “My son/daughter is my number one priority, you will come second to them ✌️” These people obviously have no foresight. One, hello, and two, why would someone who’s never met you assume they take precedent over the child you’ve birthed? No duh.

- If you have sunglasses on in every picture I know you got that Rick Ross. 

- There’s a picture of you brushing your teeth to trick people into thinking that’s what you look like when you wake up but we know you already have makeup on. 

- Look, I’m not skinny either. But if every picture is a close up your face, we know. Own that shit, someone’s into it.

- Just because you have a thong bikini on doesn’t mean we think you have a nice ass. We’re not as easily fooled as you think. 

- End it on a positive. People who make fun of themselves are the only ones worth a shit. As long as it’s not overkill, we get it. 

Charmer, right? My lack of success on these dating apps is pretty glaring in this blog. I’ll admit, the girls took the brunt of this one since I can’t see the guys profiles. But stay tuned, I’m working on that. 

California Police Officer Plays Toy Story Song To Ruin YouTuber’s “Police Audit”

During the apprehension of an alleged stolen vehicle, “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” was heard blaring through a Santa Ana neighborhood. The music was played to foil the recording of a YouTuber who was videoing the police interaction. Since the song is copyrighted, if posted, the video could be taken down for the violation. The department has released a statement condemning the actions of the officer playing the music. 

Ok, genius tactic just deployed at the wrong time. 

Look I’m not going to get in how you would feel if a stranger constantly held a camera in your face while you were at work. I understand that the stakes are higher in police work than at your accounting desk. I’m fine with police accountability. Even though with most states mandating body worn cameras that record every police action, you can argue they’re held more accountable than any other profession. That’s fine. According to the information given in this article, this particular YouTuber didn’t seem intrusive. But this new genre of Police Audits have taken on a whole other life of it’s own. 

If I told you to memorize every word of three Harry Potter books by heart, could you do it? Not without an eidetic memory you couldn’t. But you’d still understand and remember the overall story. Police officers are not going to know every single law ever written. There’s too many. Just like how every surgeon doesn’t know how to do every surgery, or every lawyer know every case’s verdict, or every gardener know every single flower off the top of their heads. Sometimes it involves looking things up, collaboration, or cross referencing. But that’s what a lot of these YouTuber’s look to exploit. 

I’m ok with people videoing the police. What I’m not ok with is people trying to make the police look like dickheads while being pieces of shit. Allow me to explain with these true stories. 

There was one gentleman who went into Post Office with a video camera. He didn’t wait on line, didn’t receive any mail, didn’t have anything to mail out. He was videotaping everyone coming in and out, taping the women working there, and pointing his camera behind the counter to record any “behind the scenes” activity. It’s a small town, all the workers that particular day were senior citizens. They were old ladies. They got spooked and called the police. But see the Post Office isn’t a regular business, it’s a government building. The man knew that, he’d probably spent hours reading the fine print. The officer that responded was looking to ease the minds of the women behind the counter. When he asked the man to stop recording, the man had a speech ready with obscure statutes and rarely used laws. His action, suspicious or not, now turned into cries of violations of his rights. He was playing fuck-fuck games and worked hard to get the officer suspended. 

Another time, different YouTuber, found herself in the parking lot of a police department. She was peering into cars and videoing all vehicles in the lot. Let me be clear here, not police vehicles, but the officer’s personal cars. When confronted, the YouTuber was ready with how she was legally allowed to record in a public setting and that there was no wrongdoing occurring. She’s absolutely correct. But now those officers’ vehicles were going on YouTube for anyone who might have payback on their mind. Think that would piss you off? Some of those vehicles belonged to the officers’ spouses. The only thing you can do there is walk away or face a lawsuit and potentially lose your job. Luckily these particular officers walked away. 

Not all, but I’d wager a lot of these people don’t have many friends. They have a whole lot of time on their hands to play these gotcha games. Then they post their videos to YouTube and hover over their greasy keyboards answering commenters. I guess life’s less lonely when you have commenters validating your shitty ideals. But this is all for clicks. For some perverted interpretation of justice. These people think they’re Batman. But they don’t really care about police actions, they only care about their view count and their image. 

So far I’ve only heard of one great way to thwart these YouTubers. They’re trying to get you to act emotionally, but police aren’t allowed that luxury. But one cop figured out a way to turn the tables. There was a female YouTuber playing her usual fuck-fuck games when she got a little too close to this particular officer. He was on a first name basis with her and said “Oh ______! Your breath stinks! Seriously, I have gum. Do you want a piece?” She malfunctioned. She slapped at her camera and screamed at the officer to be quiet. All of a sudden her sense of justice took a backseat to her online perception. She tried to continue her antics but it was too late, she’d already shown her hand. As politely and professionally as he could, the officer started giving advice and recommendations for the bad breath. She packed up and left, video was never posted. Apparently her crusade wasn’t nearly as important as people knowing she had rank ass breath. 

I’m not one of those blue line weirdies who think police can do no wrong. I believe in your right to video the police. Like as of right now, it seems that California man wasn’t in the wrong for recording. As funny as it is to blast Toy Story, I’m not sure that was the right play. I’m not advocating for you not to pull out your phone. I’m just asking that when you do it, do it for the right reasons. 

Fear And Criticism Almost Cost Us The Existence Of Lord Of The Rings

It doesn’t matter if it’s a blog, a school essay, or even a long text. If you’ve written something or created anything, there’s a point where you look it over and think to yourself, “This is shit, I am shit.” Because of that fear, that apprehension, we almost missed out on the greatest fantasy series of all time, The Lord Of The Rings. 

JRR Tolkien is now a world renowned author. But that wasn’t always the case. The idea of “Middle Earth” started with Tolkien’s fascination with Norse folklore and a yearning for England to have similar tales of its own. So he began telling his children bedtime stories of a mythical land of elves, dwarves, gods and men. In fact, the first written accounts of Tolkien’s universe stemmed from sending letters to his kids to keep up the bedtime tradition while he was traveling. 

But JRR Tolkien wasn’t an author, he was a nerd. He was a literature professor at Oxford, famous for his translation of “Sir Gawain and The Green Knight” and essays on Beowulf. He was a linguistics expert. So he started practicing his stories in front of friends at a local bar. 

There is such a fine line between famous author and hardcore party animal. Seriously. Another friend of Tolkien’s, was Lewis Carroll. If you’ve read or seen Alice In Wonderland you know he’s taken all the drugs. But Tolkien regularly met with his group, The Inklings, made up of other Oxford professors who told their newest stories to one another weekly while getting hammered at the local pub. Among them was famed writer, CS Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia. 

It’s been reported that The Inklings were initially uncomfortable listening to Tolkien’s tales of Middle Earth. The lore was clunky, some of the language was made up, and the characters were over complex. JRR Tolkien was actually teased in the halls about his fantasies by colleagues asking him “How’s your Hobbit?”

Tolkien believed his main work to be the The Silmarillion. The creation story of the Middle Earth universe set thousands of years before The Lord Of The Rings story. It was CS Lewis who encouraged Tolkien to pursue a story centered around the Hobbits in his universe. 

In 1932, Tolkien read aloud his finished book to his drinking buddies, The Inklings, and was met with applause. From here it’s mostly legend on what came next. Some say that Tolkien gave an early copy to a student who then gave it to a publisher. Other reports even suggest that CS Lewis broke into Tolkien’s house and mailed the copy to a publisher since the author himself was too afraid to. Whatever the case may be, that early manuscript was The Hobbit. 

The reviews came in for Tolkien’s masterpiece and people…. didn’t love it. It was widely viewed as a children’s book. It wasn’t selling and was on the brink of being a failure. That is until CS Lewis, a close friend and a famous author in his own right, decided to take matter into his own hands. His review was just as much a praise of Tolkien as it was a lashing to the public who didn’t recognize it’s greatness. The last line of Lewis’ review reads:

“The Hobbit on the other hand will be funniest to its youngest readers, and only years later, at a tenth or twentieth reading, will they begin to realise what deft scholarship and profound reflection have gone to make everything in it so ripe, so friendly, and in its own way so true. Prediction is dangerous: but The Hobbit may well prove a classic.” 

Following his friend’s encouraging review, Tolkien had an immediate bestseller. Tolkien’s works went on to produce movies that broke box office records and won seventeen Oscars. Both the series and the individual books stand on every list of the most sold books of all time. It’s estimated that over 150 million copies of Tolkien’s works have been sold. The Hobbit  first edition and first print is now worth well over $100k. 

You never know what you have. It’s a vulnerable thing to put words to a page. You won’t know if people like what you have to say until you put it out there. But determination and support from good friends go a long way. Odds are none of us will be Tolkien, but don’t be scared homie. Post that shit. 

Michael Irvin Gave Us Marriage Advice

Nuggets of true wisdom come from the most unlikely of places. It doesn’t come from seminars, or books, or classrooms. It comes from locker rooms, kind-hearted blackjack dealers, and old people at yard sales. Or in our case, Michael Irvin in the same restaurant as us during a bachelor party. 

Just so we’re clear here, yes, that Michael Irvin. Three time Super Bowl champ, Hall Of Famer, Dallas Cowboy #88, Michael Irvin. Normally, we’re not the type to ask for a picture but the sheer befuddlement  of seeing Michael Irvin mixed with sheer volume of alcohol consumed, forced our hand. Someone in our party approached him as he came in and asked if we could buy him a shot and take a picture with the bachelor party. 

Irvin politely declined stating he doesn’t take pictures in restaurants. Which, fair point, then a line would form for photo-ops when the poor guy is just trying to eat his food. We were happy with a wave and carrying on with our night. 

But something awesome happened as our food was getting delivered. Michael Irvin was leaving and came up to the table and asked us if we still wanted that picture outside. Absolutely, hot food be damned. 

He couldn’t of been more of a gentleman. Cracking jokes, contagious laugh, smiling like what we were saying was interesting. You’ve seen him on TV, the guy’s infectious. 

Michael Irvin then asked us who’s getting married. We pointed the sucker out. Now I’m going to paraphrase this next bit, because again, my mind wasn’t at it’s sharpest. But this is what he said. 

“Let me tell you something man. You see these hands?” His hands were pterodactyl wings. “My wife every night before garbage day tells me to take the garbage out. And I look at my hands and say to her, ‘These hands took you out the hood. These hands made us millions of dollars. Now you want these hands to take out trash?’- and all she has to do is look. I’m telling you right now young man, take the garbage out!” 

We all laughed along with our new friend Michael. A funny and insightful tidbit from a man who’s been married for 30+ years. I wanted to ask him to officiate the wedding but I was nudged in the rib. 

That’s what they say a successful marriage is, right? Give and take. Especially the small stuff. None of us are above it, none of us are safe from the glare, not even Michael Irvin. So to all you future grooms out there- go barefoot if you’re lazy, hold a jacket over your head if it’s raining, or curse under your breath once safely outside, whatever you have to do. But make sure you get off your ass and take that fucking trash out. 

I Will Not Say Happy Birthday To Myself

So much of our time is spent trying to be subtle about getting patted on the back. Hard to be humble when you’re stuntin on Instagram. No one’s sneaky, we all pimp ourselves out. Every post is the same. Oh look what I’m eating, hey look where I was, oh guess what I did last night. But the absolute worst is people’s Instagram birthdays. 

First of all, if you post a picture of yourself for your own birthday go take a dip in the Hudson with a cinder block. Where is your shame? What, no one would like your shitty picture if it wasn’t your birthday? So you tell everyone how old you are in hopes that someone outside of the same 80 people who react to your posts throws you a sympathy like? Is that how you get your jollies off?

Don’t even get me started on the birthday stories. You click on somebody’s avatar up top and there’s 67 little dots to scroll through. Now I have to do left and right thumb speed tap through your reposts of other people’s stories saying happy birthday to you. Those aren’t real friends. Most of the time it’s just another excuse for your friend to post another picture of themselves. Usually the person who’s birthday it is looks like shit and the friend looks like a million bucks. And now what? If you don’t repost their shoutout does that make you a bad person? They’re taking you hostage on your own birthday. Do you have to keep a list of everyone who gave you a story shoutout because you’re now indebted to shout them out on their birthday? There’s too many strings attached, where does it stop? 

You know what I did for my birthday today? Went to Rainforest Cafe with my nephew since we share a birthday. Got a jaguar cup and everything. Shit gets crazy in the late twenties. Granted, I just spent the weekend in Vegas so I’m out of celebrations, but still. 

I’m aware of the paradox I just created. I subtly dropped that it’s my birthday, what I ate, and where I’ve just been. You could argue that by writing this blog I’m just using a different medium to say happy birthday to myself and ultimately participate in the act that I’m condemning. But whatever, fuck you. It’s my birthday and I’ll do whatever the hell I want. 

Post Vegas Depression Is Real

Las Vegas is a canvas for the deranged. The out of touch, the ones who power through, all in one place and all trying to outdo one another. It’s all good vibes and bad intentions. The desert is stained with sin. The highs are perpetually high and the lows plummet through the earth only after it’s wheels up. 

I found myself in Las Vegas for a bachelor and a trip ten years in the making. A weekend full of stars for the Grammy’s and we walked around like we were bigger than all of them. A years worth of payments earned us the best tables, the biggest parties, and way too much money to spend. 

We went from beggars to royalty overnight. We spent 26k in one day on liquor alone. Us, the same group of guys who venmo request each other to cover the $100 tab at the local American Legion. But in Vegas, that group of guys who used to charge each other $1 for loosie cigarettes didn’t exist. We were throwing around money both literally and figuratively. And it did not go unnoticed. 

Back home, we’ve been hanging out with the same group of girls since the sixth grade. One of those girls has dated three of us. We do alright collectively as a group. Some more than others. But when you have the best views of DaBaby, Alesso, David Guetta, Tiesto, Nelly, and you’re paying two grand a round, we all start looking like McConaughey. Women were lining up and dancing on top of each other in hopes that the twinkle in their eye caught one our attention to allow them entry. We were playing live-action Tinder and using our personal bouncer to swipe left and right. One female in particular put on the best pole show I’ve ever seen while using our pool party umbrella. Nothing was left to the imagination. She had to have been a stripper, so us being gentleman, paid her like one. 

We were dressed to kill. We walked like the casinos owed us something. We had balls as big as the Paris balloon. We tripped through a portal where we were the kings of everything we saw. 

And now? Back to no one. Back to work. Back to New Jersey? How? Two days ago I was playing God and now I’m eating dinner in my room watching Survivor. I spent too much time in the fantasy that now reality seems fake. Everything is upside down.

Nothing could trouble me in Las Vegas. Oh we got stuck in an elevator for forty minutes with sixteen people? Don’t care. My flight’s cancelled and I have to stay another day? Don’t care. UNC blew the largest lead ever and I can’t cash the slip that would’ve paid for my whole trip? Don’t care, I’m in Vegas. But today I made a plate of tacos and when I realized I didn’t have sour cream, I was a split second away from launching the entire plate at the kitchen wall. 

But I wouldn’t change a thing. I made stories for life and secrets for the grave. Hunter Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas said, “Buy the ticket, take the ride…tune in, freak out, get beaten.” I agree, buy the ticket. The only thing you’ll regret is coming home.