King of the Dark Horse Heisman Candidates

Today I learned that “grasping for straws” is referencing straws of hay and not drinking straws. So in lieu of that, I decided to give you a long shot Heisman candidate. Meet D’eriq King. A RB/WR turned QB for Houston.  King is currently sitting at +2900 for the Heisman on FanDuel. I’m not sure what the DraftKings odds are. They won’t let me deposit money because something about my Bank of America card so fuck them. Anyway, King was putting together a breakout season last year before he tore his meniscus and was out for the rest of the season. Two weeks before his injury, this was his stat line for Houston’s game  vs then ranked USF: 419 passing yards, 5 throwing touchdowns, 132 rushing yards, and 2 rushing touchdowns. Little quick math here, that makes him responsible for 551 total yards and 7 touchdowns in one game. With new offensive HC Dana Holgerson, things could get flashy in 2019.   King’s biggest weapon is by far Marquez Stevenson. Dude has wheels. With his 40 time in the 4.3s, he’s able to create enough separation for explosive throws from our guy. In his sophomore campaign for the Cougars he posted 1019 yards and 11 total touchdowns, and that’s with a chunk of those numbers coming from the backup QB. On the other side of the ball, King will need Austin Robinson to secure some wins. Robinson will have to step up as the leader of this defense with the loss of Ed Oliver. Robinson can let his numbers do the talking. Last year he led the team in tackles, tackles for loss, sacks, and forced fumbles.  So for D’eriq King to win the Heisman he needs his numbers to jump off the page and for Houston to contend. Taking a look at their schedule, they’ll have their shot. UH opens up against Oklahoma which will most likely be a Top 5 rank to start the season. That’s a winnable game. I love Jalen Hurts but if Oklahoma thinks they’re going to remain the throwing powerhouse they were under Baker and Kyler, they’ve got another thing coming. In 2017 under Jalen, Bama had ONE receiver with over 20 receptions (Calvin Ridley). In 2018 under Tua, with pretty much the same receiving corps minus one (Calvin Ridley), Alabama had SEVEN players with over 20 receptions, four of which had over 40 and one had 68. So if UH upsets Oklahoma then the stage is set for the Heisman. During the course of the season they play Wash St, UCF, Memphis, and Navy which all have the potential so be ranked wins. If D’eriq King pads the stats and has enough impressive wins to sneak Houston into the playoffs, he could take home the hardware.

The state of The State of Florida College Football.

Who is king of the swamp? If you asked each fan base of Florida, Florida State, UCF, and Miami why there team is the best team in state I’m sure it’d go something like this:
“Dan Mullen is creating a new culture, we were the highest ranked Florida team after actually winning our bowl game against Michigan.”

“In the last 10 seasons FSU has the most National Championships, the most top 10 finishes, and 6 out of those 10 seasons finished with the highest ranking out of those four teams. So who’s been the most dominant?”

“We won the National Championship in 2018, didn't you see our parade? We’ve lost one game in the last two years. Plus we would’ve outranked UF and beat LSU in Fiesta Bowl if McKenzie Milton didn’t get hurt.”

“Manny Diaz already flipped a Saban recruit. Remind me again who has the most National Championships in the state.” 

Here’s where everyone’s at:

Florida: 2018 final AP rank, 7th. 2019 recruiting class ranking, 9th. 12 recruits out of ESPNs top 300. Top recruit, Four Star, 59th overall rank Kaiir Elam, ATH. 

FSU: 2018 final AP ranking, unranked*. 2019 recruiting class ranking, 19th. 10 recruits out of ESPNs top 300. Top recruit, Four Star 93rd overall rank, Akeem Dent, CB.

UCF: 2018 final AP rank, 11th. 2019 recruiting class ranking, 49th. 0 recruits out of ESPNs top 300. 

Miami: 2019 final AP rank, unranked*. 2019 recruiting class ranking, 30th. 3 recruits out of ESPNs top 300. Top recruit, Four Star 61st overall ranking, Jeremiah Payton, WR.

FSU is in trouble, no two ways about it. I feel bad for Willie Taggart but he's done a pretty good job thus far stopping the bleeding and putting together some pretty impressive recruiting classes. But this whole Deondre Francois thing really sheds a light on how nobody has a clue on whats going on in Tallahassee. Miami is in a weird spot. Mark Richt's retirement was flat out bizarre, especially given his 2017 success after only being in Miami for two years. They all seem to love Manny Diaz, well Temple doesn't, but Miami does. He did flip a four star recruit from Alabama so we know Diaz can perform in the living room but we'll see how he does on the sidelines. I feel sorry for UCF. They're grinding it out. Huepel was able to keep them in a top 5 offense  in his first year and finished 11th, but they still can't seem to land big names on signing day. So my money right now for best team in Florida, is well, Florida. Hot take I know, given they finished the season as the highest ranked school but whatever. Dan Mullen is a very good coach. Mullen was able to get legitimate NFL talent down to Starkville. Have you ever been to Starkville? Given that the last taste in my mouth was his squad putting a womping on a legit Michigan defense in the Peach Bowl, 41-15, makes me think the people of Gainesville will have bragging rights for years to come. Plus the dude's just so swaggy.

I know what you're thinking. But hey, there are other teams in Florida. Fine. I'll entertain it. Lane Kiffin signed Warren Sapp and Terrell Owen's sons on National Signing Day. 

*unranked meaning not Top 25 

Gamecocks Need to Sit Back Down and Have A Beer and Feel Sorry For Themselves.

I don't know if you know this but Darius Rucker really really loves the South Carolina Gamecocks. Like he only wants to be with them. Little known fact, Hootie met his Blowfish in the 80's while they were students in Columbia. All of them were cocks. On the Paul Finebaum show yesterday Rucker said that he would love to see South Carolina play in-state rivals, Clemson, in the National Championship. Somebody needs to teach him about tomorrow and all the pain and sorrow, running free. Last one I swear. 

But what have you done for me lately Darius? A shit ton actually. South Carolina just recently poured 50 million dollars into new football facilities. Part of the new renovation is a recording studio donated by Rucker. So now after you get a pump in you can go work on your mixtape. Pretty good sell to incoming recruits. But Darius didn't stop there. Feeling the team needed a little motivation last year he made them a bet. If they won six games he would reunite Hootie and the Blowfish for a free concert at the University. Cocks went 7-6. 

Will the Gamecocks live up to Darius' expectations? This is Will Muschamp's fourth year so Freshman-Senior class are all his guys. There should be no excuses. Oh except that they have the most ridiculous schedule in the history of schedules.  Cocks open up with North Carolina, have Bama third, Georgia at the halfway point, and last two games of the season are at A&M followed by Clemson. Bama, Clemson, and Georgia will probably round out the top three preseason rankings. Darius maybe give them a concert for three wins this year eh bud? 

Parole Tide

Nick Saban hasn't lost in Baton Rouge since 2010. That included this past weekend where a Louisiana judge granted him over 2 million dollars on a loan that he dealt out to developer. The developer couldn't make good on his loan for a shopping center and offered Saban ownership of a  real estate venture in Louisiana. Due to his now notoriety in the area he replied, "Fuck you, pay me." The IRS was trying to block Saban's 2 million loan payback plus interest but we all know what happens when you try to block Bama in Baton Rouge. 

Saban wins even in the preseason. Rightfully so too, the man is building dynasties off the field as well. Nick owns a couple of Mercedes dealerships, a strip mall in Michigan, and apartments in Houston. But this isn't the first time Alabama has had a run in with the law. 

Tide players are no strangers to jewelry. Since his arrival players have gotten rings from six SEC Championships and five National Championships. But today I'd like to acknowledge some of the silver bracelets players have had slapped on throughout the his tenure. 

It is important for me to state that I truly believe in a system where you are innocent until proven guilty. Hell, I've even sworn to protect those rights. By no means am I saying that these players got out of trouble due to status. I am also not stating that nothing happened to the alleged victims. I am simply writing down incidents and their outcomes. 

We'll start with the freshest one, Deionte Thompson. Thompson was indicted on felony aggravated assault in 2017 for a spring break fight that left an 18 year old with permanent plates in his face. The victim claims it was Thompson who kicked him while he was down and caused his facial injuries. Thompson and his lawyers stressed his innocence throughout the case and Deionte went on to start this season as a consensus All-American. The case was dismissed today, there was no video evidence, and apparently a couple of eye-witnesses attested to Thompson's non-involvement. Deionte is expected to go in the lottery picks in this April's draft. The skeptic in me says if a Bama player was going to kick something he'd probably miss. 

Keeping with the Louisiana trend we'll turn to Cam Robinson. Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones were arrested in Louisiana when marijuana and a firearm were found in their car at a park. The judge ruled there was insufficient evidence to know who the findings belonged to. I shit you not this is the statement the judge released. "I want to emphasize once again that the main reason I'm doing this is that I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years, working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning." Hell of a precedent dude. No way this judge was ever allowed to hear a possession case again. Cam went on to start all three years he played for Alabama. Even though earlier mock drafts that year had him going as high as top 5, the Jaguars wound up trading up to the 34th pick to take him. 

I truly thought that Da'shawn Hand was one day going to be the best player on Alabama's defense. That was never the case for the former 5 star, even after he showed potential in his Sophmore season with 6.5 sacks in 8 games. In 2017, Da'shawn was charged with a DUI by police who found him asleep in a car near campus with the keys in the ignition. Now technically speaking, that's a DUI. He operated the vehicle while under the influence. Hand was never suspended for his charge but here's what Saban had to say on the matter. "Da'Shawn put himself in a bad situation, obviously made a mistake being where he was at the time. But the fact that he didn't drive the car which is what we tell the players not to do and it's not ok that he was drinking, with me, and that's a behavioral issue that needs to be addressed, and we will address it, but the fact that he didn't drive the car and wasn't driving the car and didn't put other people at risk, which to me is the most significant thing when you drive under the influence but he didn't drive." When you say "he didn't drive" a hundred times like that my brain automatically translates that as "he absolutely drove,". Don't matter either way, Saban probably ripped him so many new assholes he didn't know which one was the original.

Strap yourselves in for Courtney Upshaw. I wasn't there, but apparently Upshaw and his girlfriend were involved in a dispute outside of the rec center where the girlfriend slapped him a few times and he grabbed her by the back of the neck. Both were locked up for a domestic. While his baby girl was tied up in legal issues here's what the father of the girlfriend told AL.com, "The cops just happened to be there and see it and then took them both in. I hate to see this guy get in too much trouble because I  honestly think it was probably initiated by my daughter. I don't think he laid a hand on her. He just tried to restrain her to keep from getting hit again." Again, this is completely plausible and it's possible that that's exactly what happened. However! This man was LOBBYING against his own daughter. Tuscaloosa News reported that the father walked out of the court room and screamed "ROLL TIDE" when both charges were dismissed.     

There have been other players to tour the backseat of a cop car under Saban's reign, but these were the 5 star or highly valued draft picks. There's a saying in Alabama, "There's your story, their story, and Saban's story.", or at least it should be a saying. Who's to say what really happens. Are these just bad kids? Are they given too much fame at a young age that it comes ridden with entitlement? Or are these good kids, put in bad situations where someone knows they can harm them and seriously jeopardize their future, exploiting them through bad press? Just yesterday Deondre Francois, FSU quarterback, was dismissed for a domestic video that his ex girlfriend posted. Today she said she made the whole thing up. If the only options are crimes being covered up or innocent players are being framed, then both avenues are equally terrifying.

Oh by the way that GIF up there is Rueben Foster. Two domestic violence charges, two domestic cases dismissed.

 

Why College Football Fans Should Watch The AAF

And so begins the hangover. The Super Bowl is done and there are 200 more days until the first college game. Being a Rams fan and a die hard Tide fan, 2019 thus far has been a cruel mistress. I've lost two football championships in 28 days. Given that the Venn Diagram of Rams/Alabama fans is well, just me, its fair to say that I have the fullest sack in the country at the moment. Logic states that I should swear off football all together, but Al Pacino states "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!". Meet your newest Birmingham Iron fan.

Birmingham Iron are no dummies. They put the first "professional" sports team in Alabama and stacked it with alum from Bama and Auburn. First name that jumps off the page is Trent Richardson. T-rent. Trent was a fan favorite in Tuscaloosa and the star of one of my favorite Bama highlights, where he snatches a Rebel DB's ankles to smithereens. In 2011 he led the SEC in Rushing Yards and Touchdowns. Most know the story of Trent, drafted 3rd overall by the Browns, and then traded to Indy where he went to die quietly. Since then Richardson has been bouncing around pre season rosters, the CFL, and Bama's scout team. I'm hoping the 28 year old Heisman finalist finds some solace in Birmingham. Next is Blake Sims. Blake made me look like an idiot in 2014. Preseason I really really wanted Jake Coker for the Tide's next quarterback. Instead it was Sims who was recruited as a running back and ultimately was one until he won the job going into 2014. He went on to post 35 total TDs that year and lead us to the first College Football Playoffs where we lost Cardale fucking Jones. Lastly on this roster I'm looking forward to Chris Black. I'm not sure how many people remember him but he was Bama's number one receiver in the 2012 recruiting class, a class that included Amari Cooper. Chris Black was supposed to be the shit but wound up just doing shit. Each season was going to be his breakout year but after three years he ended his time in Bryant-Denney with only 25 receptions for the Tide and transferred to Missouri. I just fact checked myself and Chris Black didn't make the team. Tiger don't change it's stripes. Fuck it, it's too late for me I'm already going to watch, but why should you?

The league has done a good job of landing some college legends and putting them in the cities where they played at the collegiate level. Josh Johnson was a feel good story in the NFL this year when he came in for Alex Smith and the Redskins. He hadn't even thrown the ball since 2011 and won vs a good (on paper) Jacksonville defense. He was taken number one overall and will play for San Diego where he played in college. Aaron Murray was a god in Georgia. Here are some of the records he still holds for the Bulldogs: most completions, single season passing yards, career passing yards, highest career completion pct, most touchdowns in a single season, and most touchdowns career. Brother wrote the book. Murray was drafted by Atlanta. Other notable QBs include Trevor Knight, Scott Tolzien, Zach Mettenberger, and Christian Hackenberg, the former supposed to be number pick in the NFL.

What about the coaches? Mike Singletary and Brad Childress landed head coaching positions. Mike Vick is debuting his coaching career in Atlanta as Offensive Coordinator. Yet, the undisputed headliner has to be the return of the great Coach Steve Spurrier. Spurrier is probably the wittiest coach to ever do it. His resume is a piece of art. Two-time ACC Coach of the Year, five-time SEC Coach of the Year, won six SEC Championships, one National Championship, and took home a little thing called the Heisman in 1966 as the Gator's QB. Spurrier was a problem in the press room. Undefeated in roasting other programs and coaches. Heres some of his roasts: he referred to rival FSU as "Free Shoes University" after a Foot Locker scandal, after a failed NFL attempt said "There are no Vanderbilts in the NFL", and my personal favorite after an Auburn dorm fire where 20 books went up in flames Spurrier commented "The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." The old man was an All-American shit talker. When coaching at 70 Spurrier explained his reasoning for staying on the sidelines, "I forgot to get fired and I'm not going to cheat." So now at the ripe age of 73 Steve's ready to shaft this league, and he's been practicing.

So lets get this out of the way, the team names stink. There's only 8 teams: Arizona Hotshots, Atlanta Legends, Birmingham Iron, Memphis Express, Orlando Apollos, Salt Lake Stallions, San Antonio Commanders, and San Diego Fleet. They sound like the upcoming clothing lines for FUBU but thats the names and they're sticking to it. It's a twelve week season, ten weeks regulation, one week playoffs, one week championship. You wanted more football well heres your chance. If I can cheer for a roster with Chris Davis, hero of the "Kick Six", surely you can find a team to fill that prolate spheroid (shape of a football) void in your heart. Kickoff is Saturday Feb 9th, 8pm EST on CBS Sports Network.

Anyway, here's that Trent Richardson hesi

  

And The Oscar Goes To....Les Miles?

This is good. Everything feels right and things that didn't make sense are now coming together. Have you ever had a show you've been watching that pushes back the release date for it's new season because now the main actor is a mega star and put off filming the show to do some blockbuster movie? Les Miles! That's what he's been doing. I thought he maybe would've wanted the Texas job, or the Maryland job, or the A&M job, or FSU job, etc. Silly me! Should've known he was filming. Made it just in time for the coveted Jayhawks position. The last time Kansas won more than three games in a season was 10 years ago in 2009. Les' now infamous "Uh.... Uh....Uh.... Things." presser now makes sense. He was used to just yelling "LINE!" when he lost his train of thought. 

The movie is about is of course about the tragic story of the Challenger in 1986. For those of you who don't know, the Challenger was taking seven passengers on the USA's 25th mission into space when it exploded on national television before it could reach orbit. It was also the first, and I'm assuming last, time they were running the School Teacher in Space Program where one of the passengers on the flight was just a regular ol school teacher. Sad sad stuff. But, there was already a movie made on the Challenger, heres it's rotten tomatoes score:

Don't worry Les. I'm sure you're rendition is just fine. No pressure. In his only line in the trailer, Les screams "I'm telling you to do it! Quantify your results!". Football field or NASA lab? Kudos to the writer for giving Les the same script that he could just scream on the sidelines. 

All jokes aside, it's good to have Les Miles back in the football limelight. Cause he's a fucking weirdo. Here are some random facts about Les. 

-He pronounces Arkansas like "Are-Kansas". 

-He wears a brand new hat before every game he coaches and between his antics and his slightly too small hat he's known as the Mad Hatter. 

-Some of his players have been known to call him "Lesticles" for his ballsy play calling. Like the time instead of going up 3 against Florida at the end of the game he had his holder throw a no look bounce pass over his head to the kicker who ran it for a first down to set up the LSU win. 

-He also did a movie wear he plays a cop and honestly just kinda looks like every older cop I've ever seen. 

-After he did an interview with Erin Andrews, an 80 something year-old man asked Les what it was like to be interviewed by a "sweet young thang" like her at a presser. Here was his response. "Here's the honesty. If they had given that job to some big old ugly man. It wouldn't be near as much fun, well one. What a joy it is to represent LSU in the post game with victory and to celebrate victory in a post game interview with a very talented, very attractive woman."
You lose your job you say that today in a presser. Can't call people attractive anymore, everybody knows that. Whole scene was super uncomfortable. And that old pervert? He doubled down. Went on to ask how that guy got the Erin Andrews video through the peep hole cause as he puts it "I've peeping through keyholes for years and I've yet to see anything but a blank wall."   

- He eats the fucking grass on the field that he's playing on. He says it humbles him to realize he's only a part of this field and this game. Claims Death Valley has the best tasting field. Best part about this is that Kansas has a turf field. If this little weirdo starts chomping on the rubber then he just needs to be arrested.

 

-It's rumored that Les sneak attacked his daughter, pouring a water bottle on her while she was learning to drive. Guess it's pretty important to expect the unexpected while behind the wheel.

It's just really good to have Les back from his movie hiatus. Hope he didn't get too Hollywood on us. I doubt I'll watch his movie. To me his biggest disaster will always be only getting to the Outback Bowl with a roster that had Odell Beckham, Jarvis Landry, Jeremy Hill, Alfred Blue, Danielle Hunter, Deion Jones, and Tre'Davious White on it. Enjoy those Awesome Blossoms boys, Go Tigers!

I Mizzou, Mizzou. Where Are You? And I'm So Sorry.

Don't waste your time on me. Reports are now coming out that Kelly Bryant intends to remain at Mizzou despite the NCAA handing out a one year playoff/bowl ban for the program. Weird, considering Kelly Bryant only has one year of eligibility left. 

I have no choice but to feel sorry for Kelly Bryant. He spent two years behind Deshaun Watson and was supposed to be the next coming for Clemson, and kind of disappointed. I say "kind of" because credit to Clemson, the year that he was the starter they still made it to the playoffs which is no easy feat. Did they lose to Syracus? Yeah maybe, but it was Alabama that year that really sucked the life out of Kelly Bryant. In their playoff matchup #1 Clemson lost 24-6 to #4 Alabama, and boy did that defense look inspired. Kelly had 124 passing yards, 0 touchdowns, and 2 picks. But he's a dual quarterback, right? Wrong. Bryant had 19 rushes for 19 yards. 

Still, first year starter, number one team in the country, and a punched playoff ticket is pretty impressive. Bryant had nearly 3,000 passing yards, 24 total touchdowns, 665 rushing yards and 8 interceptions. Not too shabby. Enter Trevor Lawrence. After that Bama game Clemson was forced to look to it's young true freshman the following year to see what he was made of. Lawrence immediately blew everyone away blah blah blah, Clemson went on to blah blah blah and good. Now we're all caught up. 

After I'm sure was a long look in the mirror, Kelly Bryant decided to transfer. According to 247 Sports Kelly visited UNC and Arkansas but there was speculation of Auburn and obviously Missouri were in the mix. The pitch from Missouri probably included their young talent in TE Albert Okweugbunam who totaled 17 touchdowns in his first two seasons and Larry Rountree III who had a breakout season posting over 1200 yards and 11 touchdowns. Kelly Bryant could be their final offensive piece of the puzzle. 

Then theres the Drew Lock angle. Missouri's latest quarterback is getting looks to be taken in the early to mid first round. Lock's freshman year flat out stunk. In his first season he played twelve games threw 4 touchdowns and 8 interceptions with 1300 yards. Missouri did a fine job shaping him into a serious NFL potential starter. In 2017 he improved to 44 touchdowns, 13 picks and nearly 4000 yards. Now I think a lot of the credit there belongs to current Head Coach of UCF, Josh Heupel, who was the OC at the time. Heupel proved his worth by taking the UCF vacancy after Scott Frost and kept UCF in the top five Points Per Game even after losing his starting QB to injury. But fact still remains, Drew Lock improved tremendously under Barry Odom. 

With all of that being said, I just don't understand why Kelly Bryant is staying at Missouri. Did Missouri withhold the investigation from him? Accusations came in 2016. Did he know and went anyway? Is this a revenge thing? Does Kelly Bryant want to prove to NFL scouts that he can hang with SEC defenses? Mizzou's athletic director Jim Sterk already confirmed that they are going forward with appealing the NCCA's ruling. Will the ban be lifted for Kelly's one year while they're in the midst of the appeal process? I just don't know. According to twitter lawyers there are rules in place for seniors to transfer and play elsewhere if their school is being sanctioned for their final year. Whats holding him back?

  

Needless to say, Kelly Bryant, I'm missing you at Clemson.