Some people love to stick it to crazy, others like to stick it in crazy. A good psycho here and there is healthy. It’s dangerous, enthralling, and you never know what’s going to happen next. We all know a friend who’s gotten in too deep with a nutbag. Here are tips to navigate around your buddy’s psycho relationship.
1. Encouragement/Subtle Sabotage
Remember, this shit is none of your business, stay out of it. But also he’s your pal, it’s absolutely your business, and you need to save him without him realizing. Whenever she calls seventeen times when you guys are having drinks, clasp him on the shoulder and tell him, “Don’t worry, we’ve all HAD one of those.” It’s imperative to use past tense here. Subtly refer to her only as his “wife”. So he can sit there and ponder if this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life. We’re close to getting married, which means we’re not far from divorce. Try to save half his shit while you still have the chance.
2. Strip Clubs
Strip Clubs are only cheating if you spend more than one unit. Besides, sometimes it’s the only spot in town playing the fights and there’s nothing we can do about that. I had a buddy who’s girlfriend was on vacation and used to make him call her every night from his house phone AND send a selfie of himself in bed so she knew he was home. We went to the strip club immediately after his check-in. Not exactly out of the woods yet though. Crazy girlfriends love to check your location. Explaining why your bitmoji is outside of Delilah’s Den never goes smoothly. Make sure your buddy goes on airplane mode BEFORE he leaves the house. If she asks, calls, or texts, his phone was dead.
3. In Person Interactions
Be as sweet as pie when you see her. Ask her about her job, family, etc. If she thinks you’re the good guys, she won’t give him as much grief when he’s with the boys. If she causes a scene with your buddy i.e. screaming, hitting, talking shit, scratching, it’s very very important that she doesn’t see you react. You know she already talks shit about his friends, don’t give her any ammo. When she storms out, cause they always do, just give him a little pat on the ass so he knows you’ve got his back.
4. His Phone
Managing his cell phone is important to the tribe as a whole. Hell hath no fury like a girlfriend going through a dude’s phone. Through trial and error, we’ve got the phone down to a science. If someone’s girl is a liability, it’s imperative that they don’t have any compromising photos in the camera roll. If you must keep them, get one of those secret apps or email them to yourself. As far as the group chat goes, name it something obscure like “Uncle Joe”. If she gets her hand on the inbox, odds are she’s glossing over Uncle Joe.
5. Negative Reinforcement
This one takes a delicate hand. Pay attention to what he hates about her and find a way to constantly bring it up. Like if she’s crazy AND white, statistically speaking, she probably can’t cook. That’s good, you can work with that. Ask him what’s she’s cooked during the week and then laugh in his face when he gives a pouty answer.
If all else fails you have to let it run it’s course. Some people, both guys are girls, are just into crazy. If you get too involved it could cost you a friendship. Plus it’s none of your fucking business. But also, he’s your buddy, it’s absolutely your business, and you need to save him without him realizing.
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