I'd say I believe less conspiracy theories than the average person today. I only believe in this theory that I'm going to tell you about because I made it up myself. The Weather App on your iPhone keeps saying that it's going to be shitty out so nobody makes plans. Even now I'm looking back at my window to make sure there isn't a red dot on my head.
Weather was never much of a concern to my plans. If I leave my house, I'm in a bar. If I don't, I'm in my house. The only time I would check the Weather App was to see if the Yankee game was going to be postponed or if I needed to make changes to a daily fantasy lineup. Other than that, weather shmeather.
But as of late, I've been checking the app every single morning. I've been working on weekends and the weather has been a strong indicator of how busy or miserable my day is going to be. It has been supposed to rain or thunderstorm A LOT. But it hasn't rained or thunderstormed a lot. I've gathered this data from the amount of white guy conversations of "Hoo man I should've been a weatherman. Six figure salary and you're allowed to be wrong 60% of the time? No accountability amirite?"
But the hypothetical white guy from the ENZYTE commercial is right, the weatherman IS wrong all the time. So what would be a better way to keep people in their homes than faux weather? If people stay home from storms that never come, they shake their fist at the sky and say that dang weatherman is at it again. Who could blame the government for that? It's the perfect crime. It's so genius that I wish I'd thought of it, even though I actually did.
Keep track of your little thunder cloud emojis. See how many actually come to fruition. Keep a journal if you must. More importantly, if you don't hear from me in a couple of days it's probably because I was assassinated.
Weather was never much of a concern to my plans. If I leave my house, I'm in a bar. If I don't, I'm in my house. The only time I would check the Weather App was to see if the Yankee game was going to be postponed or if I needed to make changes to a daily fantasy lineup. Other than that, weather shmeather.
But as of late, I've been checking the app every single morning. I've been working on weekends and the weather has been a strong indicator of how busy or miserable my day is going to be. It has been supposed to rain or thunderstorm A LOT. But it hasn't rained or thunderstormed a lot. I've gathered this data from the amount of white guy conversations of "Hoo man I should've been a weatherman. Six figure salary and you're allowed to be wrong 60% of the time? No accountability amirite?"
But the hypothetical white guy from the ENZYTE commercial is right, the weatherman IS wrong all the time. So what would be a better way to keep people in their homes than faux weather? If people stay home from storms that never come, they shake their fist at the sky and say that dang weatherman is at it again. Who could blame the government for that? It's the perfect crime. It's so genius that I wish I'd thought of it, even though I actually did.
Keep track of your little thunder cloud emojis. See how many actually come to fruition. Keep a journal if you must. More importantly, if you don't hear from me in a couple of days it's probably because I was assassinated.
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