Big Brother Preseason Power Rankings Based Only Off Profiles

Three years ago, three of my friends and I decided to start a Big Brother draft before each season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. Last year I correctly predicted the winner before a single episode dropped so I’m basically a genius. Or Sherlock Holmes. At the very least psychic. I have my draft tonight so here are my power rankings. 

16. Daniel Durston, 35, Vegas Performer
First one out is normally someone without a great first impression or someone who stirs the pot too quickly. Daniel has the makings for both. He’s a self-acclaimed loud and obnoxious player who says he does not want to work with loud and obnoxious players. See the issue? He’s 6’3” so the HOH can justify it by claiming he was going to be a physical threat without much blood on their hands. Since he says he’s a theater guy, I reserve the right to rescind this ranking if Daniel is gay because they rock at reality competitions. Nobody wants to come across as the bigot who voted someone out when the only thing they knew about them was their sexual preference. 
15. Terrance Higgins, 47, Bus Operator
Honestly, the fedora would be enough for me to keep him around. As a 47 year old, Terrance is coming across more cocky than I think he should. He claims to be an “alpha male” who wants people to “stick to the plan” and not be comfortable. Looks alone makes me think he’s a chill dude but his profile is claiming otherwise. Terrance is literally a bus driver and the second he’s not the one not behind the wheel of the decisions I think he’ll create too much tension. 
14. Indy Santos, 31, Flight Attendant 
Before I read a single word of her profile I said to myself, “that’s a mean girl.” Her answers did not disappoint. She basically told the interviewer one their questions was a waste of time, is already calling people lazy before meeting them, and was the only one to go the God route. When asked what other contestants might not like about her she said her personality. Her personality! Also hailing from Brazil, she reminds me a lot of Abi from season 25 of Survivor. High potential for this year’s villain and a top notch entertainer. 
13. Alyssa Snider, 24, Marketing Rep
Ya know for a marketing rep she can’t market herself for shit. Easily the most boring profile on the list. I know nothing about her besides she considers herself bubbly. If you can’t impress on the profile you’re not going to impress in the house. 
12. Taylor Hale, 27, Personal Stylist
Taylor said that the best advice she got was to let people assume that she’s dumb. Which sounds to me like she’s grooming us for how dumb she is so she can then claim it was all an act. Taylor says that strategy won’t be her strong suit so I don’t really know what her angle is. She was the only one to bring up the possibility of a showmance, so maybe it’s possible she’ll woo a comp beast into carrying her to the end. 
11. Jasmine Davis, 29, Entrepenaur 
This year’s southern belle of the group hails from Georgia. I believe she’s the third female contestant to describe herself as some variation of “ditzy” which is concerning. Hopefully she can surprise us with her enterpenaur background. I just don’t think she has enough confidence in herself to go far. Jasmine said she hopes to float with the jocks which is normally something people of the show use as an insult. 
10. Matt Turner, 23, Thrift Store Owner
That’s exactly the kind of eccentric look I want my thrift store owner to have. However I’m not sure that Matt is going to work well enough with others to go very far. It could just be his age showing in the questions, and maybe he’ll be more open-minded in the house, but he appears pretty standoffish. He’s the quirky guy, I get it. He doesn’t want to work with the jocks. But when you use the line “your network is your net worth” and state you don’t want to work with the people you believe will hold all the power from the comps, then you’re too hypocritical to adapt. 
9. Paloma Aguilar, 22, Interior DesignerAnother one who didn’t give much info other than that she’s been coached by her psychologist father. Which if that means her lack of intel is gameplay then, kudos. Paloma is the baby of the house which normally translates into a little sister type role. I just don’t know if that’s going to be enough. 
8. Kyle Capener, 29, Unemployed 
At first glance I thought I was going to have Kyle much higher on the list but his profile came off kind of douchey. It was the glasses that fooled me. Unemployed is definitely a red flag if it makes him lazy around the house. On the one hand Kyle said he doesn’t like conflict. In a complete 180, he also said he’ll butt heads with the Type-As, will play hard, thinks people might be upset with his jokes, and hopes to not get into too many fights. At 6’3” he’s got the frame for comps. For his sake he better hope to win early to gain favor before his personality comes out. I put him smack dab in the middle because I wouldn’t be shocked if he wins it all or is the first contestant voted out. 
7. Monte Taylor, 27, Personal Trainer
Monte feels like the guy who will fall victim to the first backstabbing of a power alliance. He’s definitely yoked enough to be a comp beast but I don’t see him being much more than that. When I think trainer I think meathead. He claims he has a mechanical engineering degree but what does that say that he’s not a mechanical engineer? 
6. Ameerah Jones, 31, Content Designer
There’s no other way to say it besides Ameerah has a kind face. I trust that face. But her profile was anything but. Ameerah says she plans on being straightforward whether what she’s saying is nice or mean. Her sugar and spice approach is perfect for Big Brother. The only thing that worries me is her affliction towards people who are “two-timers”. She wants to only work with people who are 100% loyal 100% of the time. Which by the nature of the game, just isn’t plausible. At the end of the day there’s only one winner and you can’t take it personal when people play the game. 
5. Joe “Pooch” Pucciarelli, 24, Assistant CFB 
I’m not going to lie when I first saw Pooch I thought he was going to round out the end of my list. I’ve dealt with too many people from Staten Island to think otherwise. But Joe seems very self aware and even pokes fun at his appearance. Being a college football assistant coach tells me two things. One, he can manage big personalities and two, he’ll probably be a weekly competitor for HOH. If it’s true that he’s a “lackadaisical” and “caring” guy, which has not been my experience, he’ll have a real shot at 500k. 
4. Brittany Hoopes, 32, Hypnotherapist If I was surprised by Pooch, I was blown away by Brittany. There’s something about bangs that make me nervous. Add that she’s a hypnotherapist and a kid’s toy tester, and you get one confused TKJ. But Brittany appears to be a true student of the game. She claims to have a notebook with over forty pages of strategy to try in the Big Brother house. That’s dedication. According to her answers she has a clear plan of hierarchy and likely the brains to pull it off. She’ll need at least one HOH to certify herself as a clear contender but I think she might just pull it off. 
Marvin Achi, 28, Chemical Engineer
Textbook triple threat. Built like a brick shithouse, intellect of a chemical engineer, and answers that made him seem so wholesome. A Momma’s boy with brains and biceps. The only thing that worries me is he might be a little too much like Kyland last year. It’s inevitable that you’re going to break hearts and dreams in Big Brother, and when the “nice guy” starts getting blood on his hands other contestants look at him like he’s unraveling. Hopefully that big smile will convince them otherwise. 
2. Nicole Layog, 41, Personal Chef
Last year Tiffany completely flipped my perception of women 40+ in this game. Nicole is already coming into this game with the advantage of being a personal chef. No one wants to vote out the only reason you’re eatin’ good. But being a good cook is literally her floor. Evaluating her physical appearance she looks like she can hold her own in comps. Samoan maybe? She describes herself as super positive, a fierce competitor, and someone who’s strongly against floaters. And goddamnit I believe her. She’ll feed you delicious meals to make you feel safe and it’ll be too late when you realize it’s been laced with poison the whole time. 
Michael Bruner, 28, Attorney 
Drumroll please. Michael checks every single box. Unsuspecting? Look at that cat shirt. Comp beast? 6’4” frame. Charming? Described himself as having gangly noodle arms. Competitor? Law school and claims he’s intense and focused when there’s something he can win. His job is literally jury management. Michael will know when to ramp it up and when to soothe it out. He’s nerdy yet physical, intelligent yet goofy, kind yet cutthroat. And all his answers were perfect. I don’t doubt that his eyes are on the prize yet he has a team player mentality. Michael says he wants to fight hard for those who will fight hard for him. Given that last year’s winner was also an attorney, I feel good about this number one pick. 
If you feel like you’re too cool for Big Brother (I did), check your ego at the door. It’s dramatic, engaging, has GUTS like competitions from our childhood, and will bring you right up to the football season. Sprinkle in a little gambling like we do for some skin in the game and you’ll be hooked in no time.  

Generic Phrases I Use That Make Me Die Inside

Due to the nature of my career I constantly find myself faking polite conversation. It’s not supposed to be a political job but it very much still is. I have to maintain a certain image. An image, mind you, that I absolutely hate. 

While putting on my fake self- whether it’s at my job, to aunts and uncles at BBQs who pretend like we’re close, or conversations in the grocery store that I tried to avoid- I use these stupid generic phrases that make me sound like a corny old Dad. I swear I’m one “I guess they’ll let anyone in here!” away from getting myself pregnant. Here are some of them. 

“Ehhh what’re ya gonna do.” I know it’s phrased like a question but it’s actually the complete opposite. If somebody answered this with what they were actually going to do I think I’d let out a high pitched scream. What it actually means is I’ve heard your complaint, I don’t care about it, I’m not going to console you and I hope saying this puts an end to it. 

“I’m gettin old, man.” I deploy this either when I’m exhausted or someone comments on my appearance. Like if I have to do manual labor or been drinking all day and I see someone looking at me it just escapes out of my mouth with a sigh. It doubles for when someone hasn’t seen me in a while and they comment on how different I look. A lot of times people will ask me about what my college days were like when they find out I went to a big football school. Then I have to talk about how much I miss it. If I say “I miss it,” about anything at all, it’s automatically followed by an “I’m gettin old, man.” 

“Well, look who it is!” I use this when someone recognizes me but I have no idea who they are. You know when someone’s eyes light up when they see you and you think to yourself, “Oh shit this persons going to talk to me,” this is what you use. These are the jackasses who flatten their hand out to their knee and say “I knew you when you were this big!” Similarly, if I’m trying to figure out their wife’s name I’ll say “Where’s the ol’ ball and chain?” Ughh. 

“Who would’ve thought, right?” This is for the sentimentals who tell me stories about myself that I’ve never heard before. Either from when I was a child or they know something they shouldn’t know about my early twenties. They always finish with a comment about my career or my growing up followed by a “Now look at ya!” 

“Here comes trouble!” God, I hate myself. I use this on people’s pre-teen children and middle aged men who drink too much. I don’t know how to speak to either one of them. For very different reasons, both groups don’t make a lick of sense to me when they speak. I’ve found that calling them “trouble” jacks them up enough that they smile and I can just keep on walking past them. 

My little brother and I are the same exact person. The only difference is I feel the responsibility to fake it and he doesn’t. Whenever he catches me and asks “Why do you do that?” it’s a punch right to the gut. Because I truly don’t know. And every time I do it, I feel a piece of my soul being ripped out. 

Martin Shkreli Has Once Again Given My Brain A Swirly

Move over Dos Equis, you silver fox, there’s a new world’s most interesting man in town. Shkreli is most known for making headlines for charging dying people a million dollars for twenty dollar medication. That and his love for the Wu Tang Clan. Never said he was a good guy, but no doubt intriguing. 

Since doing a little stint in prison, Marty has gone off the rails. Last I spoke of him I wrote a blog on his predictions for the future of 100+ years. Where he details everything from teleportation and the death of sports to when we’re gonna start banging robots. Then that interview came out of the Bloomberg journalist who fell in love with Martin after covering his trial. Spoiler alert: she quit her job, left her husband, and froze her eggs to wait for Shkreli to get out of the clink. I mean, what the fuck is going on with this guy? 

Which brings me to this Tik Tok that I saw today.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRdoSTsG/?k=1

So Martin Shkreli had adopted the nickname “maricon” in prison. After hearing it repeatedly from the Spanish speaking inmates he asked Lolo, his hired lookout, what it meant. Lolo told him it meant “brave warrior” and Martin took to telling people “I’m The biggest baddest maricon in this place!” If the video is to believed, he even got “EGM” tattooed on his chest for “El Grande Maricon”. 

For those of you who’ve never worked in a kitchen, maricon is Spanish for the derogatory “f word” for gay people. If Martin is a homosexual, good for him, I totally support him. Even though Pride Month literally just ended I’m still an ally. However, given that he’s in a relationship with a woman I don’t believe he is. Stolen valor much? So he’s threatening dangerous criminals by basically calling himself “The Big Homo” while thinking it means “The Big Brave Warrior” in Michael Scott-esque fashion which is undoubtedly hysterical. 

But then I started thinking how there’s just no way. Martin Shkreli spent his time in prison employing inmates, teaching crypto classes, and researching AI. Someone HAD to have told him that he’s not saying what he thinks he’s saying. All the guy does is research, you’re telling me he’s not fact-checking the only definition he was given for what he was about to tattoo on his chest? 

Which brought me to an unsettling revelation. Is Martin Shkreli a comedic genius? He didn’t even show a hint of letting on that he was in on the joke in that Tik Tok video. No smirk, not stutter, just stone face.  Did he make the whole thing up because he knew it was hilarious? Self-deprecating humor that makes him look like a gullible idiot while contrasting it as a tough guy act? Martin Shkreli can’t be hilarious, can he? 

I watched it again to make sure it wasn’t a deep fake. That’d be ironic if the joke was on me the whole time. Why has Martin Shkreli set up camp in my brain? I’m over-analyzing this. I need to rid myself of this Martin possibility since he’s someone the American people have agreed not to enjoy. But, and I’d never thought I’d say this, I can’t wait to see what Martin Shkreli comes up with next. 

Facebook Community Pages Are The Best Thing On The Internet

The best display of the pinnacle of the human experience and growing technology symbiosis can be found on your town’s community Facebook page. The smaller the town, the better the drama. Old scores are settled, new rivalries arise. A place where reasonable questions start arguments. Where you can trash the local HVAC guy and then immediately post your elderly neighbor’s obituary. Where the 21st century town crier is a coveted position. A magical place, where you’re always right. 

Old people are the fuel that keep this fire burning. I’m using the term “old” loosely here, but you know the type. Their number one complaints are normally dogs. Whether they’re barking, running, or shitting, they’re not having it. They love posting fatal motor vehicle accidents to update you on traffic routes. They share information that’s way too intimate. They’ll strongly disagree with positive reviews of a family owned restaurant because their food took two minutes too long once. Holier than thou doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. They often rant or rally their personal views to the masses and are shocked, hurt, and offensive when it’s not accepted as gospel. But they’re always correct. 

Worse than old people are the young people who argue with them. Again, using the term young loosely here. Mid twenties to mid thirties. Actual young people don’t waste their time on these pages, they probably don’t even know what Facebook is. This younger sub-strata of your community page are the aggressors. They defend their friends’ local businesses to a fault. They’re rude to the old peoples’ dumb questions. And if someone opposes them, they go way too far. They use terms like “keyboard warrior” and threaten to “meet up in real life”. A discussion as simple as shed removals could end with them saying things like “That’s why your son keeps getting arrested for heroin ”. But they’re always correct. 

But the absolute bowels of these Facebook groups are the founders themselves. The only requirement for being a moderator or founder of a community page is you have to be the worst person in the world. There’s an interesting book by Christopher Browning called “Ordinary Men” where he explores how regular people could possibly become Nazis during WWII. How come they were able to become so evil and commit these atrocities against their own neighbors. The argument being that group pressure forces people to commit sins they didn’t know they were capable of. That power corrupts humanity. These group founders toe that line. They see themselves as judge, jury, and executioner. They believe permanent bans shake people to their cores. Their meteoric rise from high school band to power wielding Facebook Gestapo has convinced them they’re local heroes. They think they’re self-appointed politicians and walk around the grocery store with their nose pricked up a little too high in the air. But they’re always correct. 

Of course the only way to navigate these cyber trenches is to mess with absolutely everyone. No discriminating, everyone can get it. I live in a square mile beach town and complained one time that there was too much sand on the walkway and that people need to learn to wipe their feet better when coming off the beach. 300 comments and unlimited dirty looks at traffic lights later and I’ve cemented myself as a certified player in this game. Disagree with things that don’t warrant an opinion. Ask questions that don’t make any sense. Accuse imaginary people of things that never happened. Have fun at everyone’s expense. Because you’re always right. 

Medieval Times Knights Are Trying To Unionize

I’ve been telling people years that chivalry isn’t dead. It’s alive and well at Medieval Times. It appears that Tony Soprano finally made his way to the castle. The HuffPost wrote an article on the working conditions of the Lords and Ladies at Medieval Times which can be read here. 

The workers are claiming the same as any workforce trying to create a union. Better pay, safer conditions, and more recognition. 

Better pay definitely. If the article is to be believed, some of the performers start out at Jersey’s minimum wage of $13/hr. I’m sorry? Thirteen bucks to take a joust to the chest and fall off a horse? I think not sir! These men and women are icons! Professionals! Should be celebrities. 

As for the working conditions, it appears the issues mainly stem from the loyal subjects in attendance. Grabbing at the damn falcon as it flies over head, clanging the goblets and spooking horses to the point where knights are knocked off saddles. Once the mead gets flowing, there’s no telling what the townsfolk are capable of. They want more security measures, sure, but that won’t fix shit. It’s old laws in the castle. Have a knight grab a glove and smack the customer across the face with it. That’s it, they have no choice but to suit up and duel now. Make an example out of the first one with that spikey ball and chain thingy and the rest should fall in line. 

Medieval Times is a magical place. A place for feasts, majestic creatures, tournaments of honor, and getting handjobs on field trips junior year of high school. I thought she just wanted my mashed potatoes but she wanted much much more than that. Second the lights went down she hopped on my lap and it was on. Whispers and rumors be damned. There’s still a piece of me there in the men’s bathroom. Took the bus ride home full of hickeys and dirty looks from Mrs. Nestor. My grandmother smacked me across the mouth when she saw the state of my neck. Never hooked up with that girl again after I courted her in the castle. No explanation, not even an acknowledgment, completely alphaed me. What a woman. 

It’s always been very clear to me that everyone gets exactly what they’re looking for at Medieval Times. So why not the workers? High time the King comes down from his ivory tower and does the right thing. 

The Curious Case Of Arch Manning

Not since LeBron’s “taking my talents to South Beach” presser has the sports world held their breath like this on a decision. As it stands today, Arch Manning will be a Texas Longhorn and a whole lot of people are upset about it. Let’s check in on the last two champions to see how they’re taking it. 

The Twittersphere of college fandom is not handling this well. The same fans who were posting Arch’s highlights, making banners for his visits, and pleading for him to joint them are now resorting to accusing him of only playing against JV talent. 

https://twitter.com/jukedlyig/status/1540117683236110336?s=21&t=CXHW2rRZSYeRzTA1DVk4FQ

Arch was touted as a coveted prospect since before he had his fist kiss. Programs have pulled out all the stops. Poor Lane, if it wasn’t Alabama I wanted it to be him. Lane Kiffin would grab “We Want Arch” signs from fans to hype up crowds, had “MANNING” conviently painted on the Ole Miss endzones, and had Arch as his 1 following on Twitter. But Kiffin wasn’t the only one trying to impress this child. 

I’ll be honest, when Nick Saban started showing up to Arch’s basketball games, and was rumored to be bringing on Manning disciple David Cutcliffe - I thought we were gonna get him. But it just wouldn't feel right seeing a Manning in Crimson. Hell, I spent the entire 2015 Tennessee/Alabama game motherfucking Peyton on the sidelines from the top of my lungs. Did I want Arch? Yeah. Will I trash him like everyone else now that he didn’t pick my school? Of course. But I’m not worried about it one bit. It will only make it that much sweeter when Alabama’s next quarterback and Texas native Jalen Milroe whomps the Longhorns upon their arrival to the SEC. 

Will Arch even be good? He’s never had to compete for a quarterback start in his entire life. You show me a Pop Warner or HS football coach who would start some no name under center over the kid with “Manning” on his back and I’ll show you a liar. Now he’s two seasons away for competing for his spot against the highest rated QB prospect in history in Quinn Ewers. Ewers is only the 6th prospect ever to receive a perfect 1.0000 rating from 247Sports. Good luck little buddy. 

Of course a lot can happen between now and then. Texas could suck and be subject to a mediocre recruiting class next year. People could jump ship in the portal is they underperform again. Arch could change his mind. 

But I doubt it. It makes too much sense for a Manning to not only lead Texas “back” but to be the ship that steers them into the SEC. And if I’m being honest, Sarkisian is one the smartest offensive minds in CFB to take him under his tutelage. As long as he’s sober. 

But this is the beauty of college football. The grown men who created photoshops of a junior in high school in their college jerseys are now bullying him online. As they damn well should be. So good luck Arch Manning, and I mean this sincerely, go fuck yourself twerp. 

People To Avoid At A Wedding

Wave goodbye to your PTO and lube up your checking accounts, it’s wedding season. Whether you’re a Travolta or a wallflower, nobody can actually dislike weddings. Worst case scenario, it’s free steak and booze. But in order to make it to the finish line flawlessly, there are characters at play that you might want to avoid. 

The bridesmaid/groomsman who thinks they’re in charge. They maintain at defcon 1 and never come down. They critique your every move as if everything is life or death. As if you bowing at the wrong time during the mass would somehow make the priest say “That’s it! I’m not marrying them.” They’re the ones who make everyone embarass the shit out of each other while getting announced during the reception. The shopping cart and fish hook can only hold on for so long. It’s like, chill out. It’s not that serious our friends are just putting higher stakes on cheating on one another. 

Old people. Avoid them at all costs. Besides the bathroom, a wedding is the most dangerous place for an old to be. I’ve seen ambulances summoned at the last three weddings I’ve been to. One for trouble breathing after walking outside to the cigar bar, another for heat exhaustion, and the last one took a tumble dancing. If no one spills on your dance floor your wedding sucks, but Nana and Pop Pop can’t navigate those waters. You don’t want to be the one standing there when they go down. Because either A. You look like the asshole who didn’t catch them or B. You’re now part of the de facto medic team who needs to save their life. But you’ve been sampling the bride and grooms specialty drinks for three hours and have no formal training. 

The Tik Tokker. It’s hard enough ducking and dodging the paid videographer, now we have a two front war against guerilla producers. Can’t I just have fun without you pimping me out for twenty eight likes on your Tik Tok? Get that light out of my face. Use all the hashtags you want, no one’s algorithm includes you screaming half-correct lyrics over a shaky video of other people having fun. I don’t care what the newest trend is, you’re thirty two, put the phone down. 

The couple who should already be engaged. If they’re at your table by happenstance, pray silently for a miracle. He’s dragging his feet and she’s not happy about it. All of that is going to surface tonight on your watch. If you hear “Can you settle something…” just run. Sprint away, don’t even explain yourself to anybody. And if you brought a plus one, point them out. Because somebody is about to get hurt during that bouquet toss. 

The first person to say “Ain’t no laws when drinking claws.” Kick them out. They’re not getting their hotel deposit back and they’re going to try and fuck someone’s aunt or uncle. They came alone to fuck and drink, but they’ve been turned down by everyone they’ve approached. So there’s only one thing left for them to do. Ruin everything. They may trap you bumming a cigarette or attempting to impart wisdom on the drink line. That’s unavoidable. But at all costs, distance yourself by ten rows on the bus ride back to the hotel because they’re going to throw up on the shoes you rented. 

So dust off those suspenders, pray somebody bombs on their speech, and get out on that dance floor. Nobody looks like an idiot during Shout, remember that. Boogie with the people trying to have a good time and skrrt skrrt the ones getting in the way of that. Let’s have ourselves a wedding season.