Monday, May 2, 2022

People Are Being Dumb Again, We’re Coming For Drew Barrymore Now


Drew Barrymore is just the latest in the long line of the internet gallows. Why? Because we’re all idiots, that’s why. People weren’t too keen on Barrymore commenting on the Depp/Heard case on her talk show. Literally the most talked about thing on the internet right now. I mean go on Tik Tok for one second and you’ll see it. The backlash has cornered the “50 First Dates” actress to apologize on her Instagram for being “insensitive”.

Here's what Drew Barrymore said:
“It’s like one layer of crazy, it’s a seven layer dip of insanity! I know that these are two people’s real lives and I know what it’s like to have your life put out in public… I understand the feelings, but they are actually offering up this information that nobody has to know. It’s crazy!”

That’s it? People are upset that Drew Barrymore called the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case…crazy? I’m sorry? You realize they’ve been talking in a professional manner about Depp losing a finger and Heard defecating on a bed, right? You can’t say chopped up fingers and dookie bombs in bed are crazy?! 

“She shit in a bed and severed his finger with a bottle of vodka? That’s crazy.”
“Oh no no no. You can’t say that? What’s wrong with you?” 

What’re we doing here? If anyone at all is qualified to talk about crazy, it’s Drew Barrymore. Do you know the resume she packs? She admitted in her memoirs to pouring Bailey’s over her ice cream at seven years old. Around nine she was first introduced to marijuana and cocaine. Her mother regularly brought her as a pre-teen to Studio 54. Two rehab stints before turning fifteen. Posed for Playboy at nineteen and notoriously flashed Letterman live for his birthday. Not to mention, mommy dearest got caught auctioning off baby clothes in the 90’s. Drew Barrymore literally wrote books on crazy. How dare you. 

This is very important so put your listening ears on. Some words get thrown around so much that they’ve begun to lose their meaning. Just because you feel someone is being insensitive, doesn’t mean they’re doing something terrible or illegal. If someone insults you, it doesn’t mean you’re being harassed. Hurt feelings doesn’t equal harassment. Legally. Just because you feel like someone’s being a meanie pants, doesn’t mean you can take their careers or throw them in jail. Thank you.

Saturday, April 30, 2022

Barstool Stories


Since I’m a glutton a punishment, I’ll give out another genius idea for free. One centered around intruding the already crowded subconscious of today’s targeted demographic. To help boost the subscriptions of overlooked podcasts and explore a new avenue for ad placement. 

It’s no secret that everyone and their mother has a podcast nowadays. That’s more true for Barstool Sports than anyone, who literally have a mother/daughter podcast with Alex Bennett and Kontent Kim. Personally, I haven’t listened to their podcast but every run in I’ve had with the pair, I’ve found them very funny and talented. But under the Barstool umbrella that boasts 100+ podcasts on the Apple Podcasts app, how do you stand out? 

Let me be clear, this is not a “Because I Said So” blog. But rather a how to promote any podcast working hard to enter the fold. 

First of all, you’re never going to get one person to consume all content. It just isn’t possible, I get that. When and where do people listen to podcasts? Commute to work, workouts, maybe while falling asleep? Let’s say you have a forty five minute commute to and from work. You workout for an hour and you listen for a half hour before going to bed. That gives you three hours for podcasts. That’s what? Maybe two podcasts? With most people capped out, how do you squeeze into their repertoire?

There’s mainly two types of podcasts. A general, all-encompassing type and a niche, or seasonal podcast. 

The first kind, the casting a wide net podcasts normally run all year round. That’s your Pardon My Takes, your DPSs, your Le Batards, your CITOs, your Rogans, your Macafees. They cover everything and anything. Usually hosts of these shows already had an established relationship with it’s audience for years before starting a podcast. That’s why it’s so difficult to walk on the scene, declare you have a podcast, and expect it to blow up without anyone knowing who you are. 

The second kind, is a specific topic looking to corner a targeted category. It could be all year long unless it follows a specific sport or show. That’s your business centered Token CEO, your poker centered Cracking Aces, your Bench Mobs, your Snuffing Torches. You get the gist. If potential listeners aren’t interested in your vocation or feel they don’t have the capacity to fit you in for a couple of months, how do you get them to give you a chance?

To figure that out we need to start at the beginning. The opening of anything new sees an influx of new temporary patrons. Whether it’s a new restaurant, a new gym, or a new podcast. That’s why the new Chick-Fil-A in my town had an hour drive thru wait the first few weeks. If you don’t grab their attention immediately or have that aforementioned previous relationship, you could lose them forever. The irony is that you’re being judged for your product at the worst possible time. Most podcasts need time to develop. Chemistry, successful segments, and voice aren’t fully established in the first few episodes. 

So how do you reel them back in once you have a finished product? Promotion, sure. But where’s that promotion? On their podcast’s Instagram and Twitter page? But why would I be following the social media page of a podcast I don’t subscribe to? The only people seeing that promotion are the consumers you already have locked in. Yes, maybe some clips find themselves on to the main Barstool account story, but that gets lost in the shuffle sandwiched between baby photos and the dinner of the girl in my stats class from five years ago. 

We have short attention spans. If a good podcast clip is followed by a funny dog video, I’m going to forget the podcast completely. But what if it was only podcast clips? 

You have to force our smooth brains to ingest the content we’d otherwise dismiss or scroll past. We’re creatures of habit, become part of the habit. 

There’s no such thing as down time any more. Not really. Even when you’re doing nothing, you’re doing something. Everyone has a specific lineup that they run through on their phone. My personal lineup is: Barstool blogs, Twitter, Instagram posts, Snapchat stories, back to Twitter for trends, back to Instagram for stories, and then the end all be all is Tik Tok because I can get lost for hours. 

But what if Barstool podcasts squeezed their way in unannounced? Right at the top of the top blogs of the day, what if there was a Barstool Stories button. I’m not talking about making me go to a new tab, people won’t give even that amount of minimal effort to disrupt their routine. But right there on the main page, if after I’m done catching up on the blogs, if there was an option to see short clips of all things Barstool, I’d click it. 

It’d give opportunity to new podcasts trying to showcase their talent to an audience they’ve been unable to reach for a plethora of reasons. Show how funny, or insightful, or dedicated they are. Another slot for advertisers to stake their claim. Another reason to stay on your page. Another way to remind consumers of important dates and announcements. A mainline into the brains of your consumers for all things Barstool without any outside distraction. 

I don’t enjoy Instagram stories. But it’s become woven into the fabric of what I do when I open my phone. I’m not even really paying attention. But I can still tell what gym someone who I haven’t talked to in years goes to, or who was recently engaged, who’s currently watching Sopranos, and who was just on vacation. Because even when mindlessly scrolling, our brains are still turned on. Weave yourself into the fabric, become part of the habit. Barstool Stories. 

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Keep Your Friends Accountable For Their Draft Tonight


Entertaining yourself during the draft as a Rams fan is a tall order. We haven’t had a first round pick in five years. Jared Goff was the last one. I mean look at what the fuck the teams been doing for draft prep. Making the trailer for Mission Impossible 7. Mcvay is walking around the beach house we’re drafting in with the Lombardi and not a care in the world. Since I don’t have a Super Bowl trophy or a production company, I have to find other avenues to pass the time. 

Luckily for me, I live in New Jersey. Home of the most loathsome fan bases in the world. Most of my friends are Jets fans with a sprinkle of Giants. No matter who they draft each year, my friends tell me the Jets are going to win 13 games. 

Even if they didn’t like the pick, they’ll find a positive draft grade or watch hours of Bleacher Report clips until they brainwash themselves into believing they’re geniuses. Not this year. 

I texted all of my friends demanding the following: their dream pick, a pick they’re cool with, and a realistic nightmare scenario. Jets fans had extra credit for telling me “how much is too much” for Deebo Samuel. 

No saying “that’s what I wanted” while lying through your teeth. People will be held accountable for their desires this year. 

If you hate Jets/Giants fans this is what we’re rooting against and for with the four Top 10 New York picks this year. We don’t want the Giants to draft Evan Neal, Sauce Gardner, or Derek Stingley. We do want the Giants to trade the 5 pick and get stuck with low OL scraps after everyone else takes the top guys. For the Jets, please God, no Aidan Hutchinson with the four pick. No Icky Ekwonu either. No Garret Wilson/Jameson Williams/Drake London at 10. We’re praying that they draft Kyle Hamilton and trading the 4 pick for Deebo. 

Skin back in the game my friends. Feel free to use the blueprint to hold your buddies accountable for what’s about to happen in Vegas. Grab some wings, drink some beers, Hardknocks is right around the corner. May the odds be ever in your favor. 


*Bonus gambling tip. I’m 2/2 in the past two drafts in bets +1000 or over. In 2020 I predicted Jalen Hurts to the Eagles, hit. In 2021 I had the Rams drafting a receiver with their first pick, hit. This year, Rams to draft a QB with their first pick at +10,000, heat check.  


Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Pete Alonso Is A Goober


I don’t know if it’s Mets fans’ unrealistic view on Alonso. I had a friend bet me $200 he’d have 200 home runs before he’s 28. He turns 28 in December he’s at 109. Or if it’s that every time Alonso opens his mouth it seems so unnatural and forced. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is but I can’t fucking stand the guy. 

I don’t know Pete Alonso personally. But also, yes I do. I know exactly who he is. 

Pete Alonso wasn’t one of the “popular kids” in high school. But he desperately wanted to be. He was most likely the king of the nerdy kids who worshipped him as a god but he in turn took them for granted. He would drop his actual friends in a heartbeat if any of the cool kids gave him the time of day. Because he was on the baseball team, he’d occasionally get invited to parties but would come in way too hot. Pete’s jokes would be way over the top and everyone would look at him like “Wtf your problem dude.” He’d turn beat red and spend the rest of the night in a corner singing rap lyrics too loudly. When his dorky friends asked him what the party was like he’d lie and tell them he fingered the head cheerleader. 

With his newfound fame and money, Pete Alonso thinks he’s the popular kid he always obsessed over. So every time he opens his suck, he tries to act like what he thinks cool jocks are supposed to be like. 

Don’t believe me? Here’s what he said following the benches clearing brawl with the Cardinals Wednesday night: 

“I’m a big, strong guy. If I wanted to put someone in the hospital, I easily could, but I was just out there trying to protect my guys.” 

The prosecution rests, your honor. 

Pete Alonso still thinks it’s cool as a grown man to tell people “Yo I could’ve fucked you up if I wanted to. I wasn’t even trying.” That’s middle school behavior. Mind you, this quote was in response to Alonso getting rag dolled by 49 year old Cardinals’ first base coach Stubby Clapp. Stubby Clapp? Cmon, he never stood a chance. 

I love to hate Pete Alonso. He makes it so easy. I can’t wait to collect my $200. And I can’t wait for the next brawl Alonso gets in. He’s either going to overcompensate and fuck someone up so badly that he’ll once again find everyone staring at him like, “Wtf is your problem dude.” Or someone’s going to give him a wedgie. Either way I win. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Sober Hangouts: A Resurgence


Do you remember that feeling of coming home from grade school, having no homework, and getting permission from your parents to ask if someone can come over? You’d race to the home phone and slide the last few feet there in your socks. Go through the prioritized rolodex in your mind and pray their parents or siblings don’t pick up the phone. You held your breath as your friend said “let me ask” and then hash out the pickup/drop off situation if you got the green light. 

There’s been a time in your childhood where you asked someone to come over and hangout for the last time. You didn’t even know it happened. 

Life kept going. People moved in with their girlfriends. Some had babies. Everyone has a career. Imagine now, asking someone to come over after their 9-5 to draft Madden teams for a franchise? Can’t do that, we have work in the morning? 

So we cling to the weekends. Find a good band playing at a local bar. Drink at someone’s apartment just to go to a bar where you only talk to the people you were at the pregame with. Or smoke and watch the NBA playoffs and put in a same-game baseball parlay. Do bottomless mimosas at brunch. Dollar beers at Parker House on Fridays. Drink, drugs, pray you get laid. 

But hanging out used to be so much more simpler. Our uppers were Red Bulls and depressants were too much Taco Bell. We’d play Halo 2 split screen for six hours straight only stopping to walk to Wawa for snacks and sodas. We played knockout on rickety backboards in the dead of winter until our chests hurt. We had wiffle ball leagues in the summer. We dedicated entire nights to picking something out at Blockbuster and bought that liquid sour spray candy in the checkout line. We played MLB The Show ‘06 until the 2028 season without letting the sunlight in for days. 

We didn’t worry about Uber rides home. No bar tab regret. No sneaking into graffiti riddled bathroom stalls to throw up. No drugs. And certainly no hangovers. Just video games, backyard sports, and good vibes. 

This past weekend, someone from work asked me to grab a few drinks for Happy Hour. I told him I was staying in for a movie marathon with some friends. He was disgusted. Shocked by how enticing my lie sounded, I asked my group chat if anyone wanted to have a movie night. We’re still hurting from Vegas- physically, mentally, financially. I got three yeses. We showed up in basketball shorts, hoodies and slides. We piled onto the couches, dimmed the lights, brought a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and microwaved bagged popcorn. It was….divine. Exquisite. 

After the movie we gossiped like school kids. We made a graveyard of plastic cups, bags of chips, and spilled popcorn. We teased people for old girlfriends and talked of old rivalries. I felt thirteen again. I debated suggesting a sober sleep over but I was afraid they’d have me institutionalized. One thing at a time. 

There’s a lot of obstacles in our way. The convenience of online gaming has made split screen video games obsolete. We think with the wrong head too often. “Going out” tricks you into thinking hey, at least I did something this weekend. Fight back. Normalize calling your buddies again just to chill. Take care of y’all’s chicken, take care of y’all’s mentals. Bring back sober hangouts. 

Monday, April 25, 2022

Sincerely Yours, The Worst Fan Base On The Planet


Tar and feather me, drawn and quarter, give me sixty lashes, send me to the gallows. Whatever you need to do. Because I have a take you’re simply not allowed to have anymore. I’m sick of saying the things I think I’m supposed to say and instead of saying what I believe is true. I loved Bleacher Creatures vs. the Cleveland outfield. 

The Yankees faithful have always been a point of contention for outside fan bases. “You need people like me so you can point your fingers and say that’s the bad guy.” Well the bleachers sure gave everyone enough reason to point their fingers this weekend. 

This all kicked off when Cleveland’s break out rookie Steven Kwan ran into a wall chasing down a fly ball. Look, nobody wants to see Kwan hurt. He’s on my fantasy team for Christ’s sake, I extra don’t want to see him hurt. But that play turned into a double off the wall as the Yankees were mounting a ninth inning comeback. The fans were siphoning their own electricity at that point. If you run full speed into a wall, people are going to laugh and you’re going to hear it. It’s slapstick comedy 101. You think Steven Kwan is the first player to run into a wall? What were you expecting, a prayer circle? 

This prompted the biggest fake tough guy move from Cleveland outfielder, Myles Straw, who decided to climb the wall to confront the crowd. Straw, a player from the “Break All The Rules” generation. Who make MLB commercials promoting bat flips, ripping jerseys, throwing tantrums, and overt celebrations can’t handle a little heckling from the crowd. Give me a break. If a fan screaming “U mad!?” is enough to break you, maybe you’re not the cool fun guy players you think you are. Write a Player’s Tribune diary entry about it that no one will read and get over it. 

Which brings us to the incident. Someone threw a beer can from the bleachers while the ball was still in play. Shitty move. You want to ban the initial fan, I agree with you. But then everyone’s mouth started watering with headlines and trigger words like “player safety”. 

Really? That’s what we believe? We really think Myles Straw and Oscar Mercado’s lives were danger? Beer stops being sold in the seventh, the most those cans had in them were backwash. Be honest. They were fine. Nothing hit them, nothing happened. One beer thrown is an issue. Thirty beers thrown is a response. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 

Don’t forget it was Myles Straw who broke that player/fan barrier first. Not the fans. You want to come into stands, fine. But as far as I’m concerned, now you get treated as a fan. When you say “hit me motherfucker” to a bunch of goombas who’s wife-beaters have been cutting off their circulation for nine innings, you’re gonna get hit. Now you get showered in eight rounds worth of Coors, Millers, and Bud Lites. 

Do you what I thought when I read Myles Straw’s comments on the Yankees having the “worst fan base on the planet”? Good. Lean into it. Feed off the hate, relish in it. You come to our house you deal with our lineup AND us. 

Kwan, Mercado, and Straw went a combined 0/10 the following day. The Cranberries couldn’t be more in your head. 

And in case the hand gestures didn’t get the point across, I think the “Guardians” have the pussiest players on the planet. 

If it were up to me, I would have put out t-shirts the next day saying “Welcome To The Bronx” with the pussy hands smack dab in the middle of the chest like Superman’s crest. Cause me? I always tell the truth… even when I lie. 



Thursday, April 21, 2022

Governor Murphy Backtracks On NJ Cops Smokin’ Reefer


Legal cannabis sales in NJ officially began today, one day after 4/20. New Jersey police officers rejoiced last week when Attorney General Platkin sent a memo to the police Chiefs of the state warning that no disciplinary action should be enforced on cops who recreationally use marijuana off-duty. But the dream was short lived. Governor Murphy addressed the concerns claiming that he was open-minded to legislation that would ultimately ban cops from marijuana use. 

I mean, I understand. Cops only regularly find themselves atop the lists of suicides, cardiac arrest, depression, and divorce due to stress from the job. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness 1 in 4 police officers have thoughts of suicide. In smaller departments, the suicide rate is four times the national average. 186 cops took their own life in 2020, 175 in 2021, and so far, 49 police officer killed themselves in 2022. According to a study done by US Department Of Justice, police officers have a life expectancy of twelve years less than the national average. Cops’ life expectancy after retirement is five years. Five years. Why would you want to help that? 

Police officers are also more likely to become addicted to opioids than the general public. Given the physical demands of the job, policing has a higher risk of job-related injuries. While the officer could be prescribed the medication with good intentions by a physician, it creates a dependency. Especially in smaller departments that can’t afford to lose an officer for long periods of time. Pressure mounts to return to work quickly. But how are you supposed to break up a bar fight, or fend off someone with a weapon, or chase down a burgular while you’re in chronic pain? That’s how addiction starts. But does anyone have a good alternative? Possibly something legal and used for pain relief? 

The issue is that given the current technology, there’s no way to determine if you’re currently high on marijuana. That leaves an open argument to question the judgement of an officer who may still have marijuana in their system. Even if it’s from thirty days prior. 

But ya know, we won’t question the judgement of NJ pilots, or crane operators, or doctors. They’re all good to smoke. But cops? No no no sir. 

The irony of course is that policing is the only profession actually ready to withstand recognizing impairment of employees during work hours. Departments have DRE officers (drug recognition experts) to determine if someone’s using drugs and what they’re currently on. For instance, if you’re clearly fucked up and get pulled over for a DWI but blow goose eggs into the breathalyzer, a DRE is trained to establish what drug you’ve taken. It’s the only job that’s professionally trained to tell if one of their employees is high during work hours. So let’s make sure it’s the only job you’re not allowed to get high when you’re off. 

It’s just dumbass stupid ass backward ass thinking. The arguments for legalizing marijuana were to increase mental health and decrease crime rates. So they restrict weed from the demographic that statistically has the highest potential for mental health issues. You want to lower the petty crime rates by legalizing weed? You want the people making those arrests to chill out? Hmmm I wonder what could help improve that?

Do the right thing Murphy, you peckerhead. Give them the green light to light up some green.