The Stupidest Game I Ever Created

It started with my little brother and I. Every time he would do a tiny favor for me, I’d smile and say “That’s a good little bitch.” It would make him so mad that he’d throw shit, hit me, return the drink I’d ask him to get, whatever. His reaction made me think I was on to something, so I started doing it to my friends too. 

My friends hated it just as much as my brother. They hated it so much that both them and my brother tried getting me to be their good little bitch. The problem with that was, we all stopped doing favors for each other, no matter how big or small. So if someone asked me to pass the remote, or ask for a ride, or anything, I’d say “alright as long as you don’t say it.” Thus, The Good Little Bitch Game was born. 

The gist is of the game is easy. Ask someone for a favor and when they do it, call them a good little bitch. There’s only two rules: 1) if the person you ask the favor of says “Can’t say it” then you can’t call them a GLB, 2) If someone calls you a good little bitch successfully, you can’t undo the favor. 

The more out of their way someone goes for you, the sweeter the “good little bitch” tastes coming off your tongue. Small ones are fun, “hey can you grab me a beer” is a good one and normally gets a good reaction. But the bigger fish, when someone is being a genuinely good person towards you, there’s no describing that feeling of calling them your good little bitch. You’ll feel it. Your mouth will start to water as you plead to God asking him not to let them say “can’t say it”. Your friends will start to whisper to you “Oh my God you’re going to Good Little Bitch him, aren’t you?” And then you ruin their fucking week. 

The best one I ever executed involved a friend driving me to the airport at 5:00 in the morning. He told me he couldn’t at first and I started to rattle off everything I ever did for him. I wore him down and he agreed to take home. He called his work and told them he was going to be a little late that day, they were not pleased. He woke up at 430ish and with sleep still in his eye, pulled up to my cul-de-sac around 5ish. He rolled down the window and said, “Get in, I hate you.” I sat down like I was being crowned king of the world, “That’s a good little bitch.” Woke up my whole damn neighborhood punching his steering wheel, hurtling every insult you could imagine in my direction. I just smiled and said, “Drive.”  

Thank you has been eradicated from my vocabulary. My friends traded “thank yous” for stabbing someone in the soul. It’s caught on too. I can confidently say that The Good Little Bitch Game is being played in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Colorado. Try it out the next time someone extends their humanity to you, see how it feels. Just be ready to duck. 

Best Instagram Stories Of The Week

These are real people who posted these real stories without an ounce of embarrassment. I don’t know, I have 30 first cousins so I was made fun of a lot. The insults hurt worse than the wedgies, but it gave me a strong sense of self-awareness. Every day I see Instagram Stories that make me cringe. They’re these weird quotes with artsy or all black backgrounds. I was planning on collecting these for a week, but this is just today’s haul. 

“They’re not supposed to understand you. You’re a different breed.” - Guy I know who spent three years in jail. He got out and still gets into fights at the bar at almost 30 years old. He’s right, I don’t understand him.

“‘Whats your favorite place?’ I don’t have a favorite place, I have favorite people. Wherever we go becomes my favorite place.” - Girl who didn’t understand the assignment. I hope you and your people find yourselves in a Russian prison. Have fun at your new favorite place!

“Work so hard that everyone’s biggest flex is that they know you.”- Former coworker who didn’t work hard at all. He stayed in Tuscaloosa after he graduated to be a bouncer for $11/hr. I don’t blame him, but he didn’t stay there for a bouncing career. 

“Listen. Smile. Agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” -Very on brand for girl with four kids with four different fathers. I can’t tell if she has no sense of irony or a firm grasp on it. If it’s the latter, I’d throw her number five. 

“People brag about their drinking skills like it’s something impressive. Want to impress me? Try not drinking, sitting with your feelings, and improving your life.” - Guy who brags about how much coke he can do every weekend. His selling point is telling people how much more you can drink on it. 

Do people my age not understand that these cheesy posts are the equivalent of their moms putting those cursive “Live. Laugh. Love.” stickers up in their living room? This type of shit is exactly why we’re getting torched on Tik Tok. No one finds you wise or inspirational. We think you’re weird and dramatic. Maybe it’s a “ignorance is bliss” situation and I’ve got this all wrong. But I highly doubt that. 

Wrigley Falls

I think every baseball fan rooted for the Cubs with the exception of White Sox fans and division rivals. The Cubbies and the Red Sox had pretty equal length droughts. But where the Sox were loud, red-faced, angry drunks, the Cubs had an “aww shucks” kind of attitude. But now that they won a World Series they’re not the Loveable Losers, they’re just losers. 

After a short stint in first place, the Cubs are blowing it up. If Twitters to be believed, they’ve had preliminary talks of trading Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, Kyle Hendricks, Craig Kimbrel, Javy Baez, Wilson Contreras, and Zach Davies. Plus they’ve already traded Andrew Chafin and Joc Pederson. 

I can’t say I blame them. It’s probably better to trade early than it is late. According to MLB.com, they have four prospects in the Top 100. But they’re not as attractive as the Chicago prospects of old. Like during their World Series run when they had Eloy Jiminez, Dylan Cease, Gleyber Torres, and Wilson Contreras waiting in the wings. Which of course they mostly gave up for Jose Quintana and half a season of Aroldis Chapman. 

It’s just crazy to me. Do you understand how young they were when they won a World Series? Kris Bryant 24, Anthony Rizzo 26, Javy Baez 23, Addison Russell 22, Kyle Schwarber 23, Kyle Hendricks 26. I swore that they were going to run the league for the next decade.

I’m a Yankees fan and I’m in a groupchat with a Mets and Sox fan. I know it sounds like a setup for a bad joke, but we talk baseball every day. Do you know how insufferable one of us would be if any of our teams won with a core group of guys that young? I thought we were on the precipice of witnessing baseball’s next dynasty. 

Was it all worth it? Of course, they won a World Series. To Cubs fans, I’m sorry. Try and find some solace in the old Facebook status adage, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” It just goes to show how strange baseball is. It’s sad to see it play out in real time. Reminiscent of the Thanos meme. Because for the Cubs, Rome WAS built in a day, and it lasted just as long. 

Actually Good Recommendations To Get You To Start Reading

I started reading when I was young because I was nosy and impatient. I didn’t like waiting for the next Harry Potter movie to out come to learn what happens. So I read the books. I was drunk with power. People came to me begging for spoilers, or clarifications on the Wizarding World, I became an expert. And a monster. If someone pissed me off I could end their childhood by telling them Dumbledore died before they could see it for themselves on the big screen. 

My friends made fun of me a lot for reading. We were more into sports, and girls, and lighting bags of shit on fire in front of peoples houses at the time. But I always brought a book to a sleepover. If we were doing a Madden tournament, I’d read while I waited for my game. Or I’d go to bed later or wake up earlier than everyone to get to my next chapter. I caught some flak. Luckily for me, I was bigger and much meaner than all my friends. They learned quickly to leave me alone when I’m reading. 

But not everyone had that luxury. I’m sure many of you were discouraged from reading because it was weird, or nerdy, or everyone you know is just dicks. But there’s a case to be made for reading. 

Everyone watches shows. It’s one of the first things in that you ask a stranger now to try and relate. “What shows do you watch?” Imagine someone said none? Ew. Books are just portable shows. That’s all it is. Not to sound like that prentious prick but the book is always better than the show. And rightfully so. There’s no restrictions, or time limits to tell the story. There’s less censoring. More freedom to see the world the way you picture it. With just the slightest bit of imagination you can open yourself up to the best and oldest form of entertainment. 

By my own admission, most of my friends would hate this blog. But as we get older more of them come to me for recommendations. Public transportation commutes will do that to you. If you’re one of those select few, you’re in luck.

To start you off, I’m going to only recommend SciFi/Fantasy. A genre that used to be laughed at. But all these superhero movies and Game Of Thrones have done wonders to rid that stink. Everyone watched Thrones. I’m sure you know at least five people that made you go “Wait, YOU watch Game Of Thrones?!” It opened a lot of people’s mind to accepting categories that they used to make fun of. 

It isn’t lost on me that it’s easy to get distracted while reading. Or it could sometimes feel mundane. These SciFi/ Fantasy books grab your attention right away and won’t let go. I chose books I feel like many people don’t know about or haven’t been adapted into a movie or TV show. 

Without further adieu…

6. The Fifth Season by N.K. Jeminson

In the distant future of what I assume is still Earth, the world is consumed by natural disasters. Massive earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis are constantly changing the landscape of civilizations. They rise and fall with the seasons. The more wealthy cities can maintain their power and presence with the help of orogenes. People who are born with the power of orogeney can manipulate kinetic and thermal energies to prevent seismic events. But instead of being regarded for their powers, they’re treated as less than human. 

The Fifth Season has you follow three women orogenes at vastly different stages in their lives. Damaya, a teenager who just learned of her powers and was taken from her family to be properly trained as a puppet for her society. Syenite in her twenties is being apprenticed by the most powerful orogene, who are both forced to breed with each other. And Essun, a 42 year old mother who found her four-year-old son murdered by her loving husband. Now she hunts him down in the midst of an apparent apocalypse. 

I’ll be honest I’m still reading this one, but I have a sneaky suspicion that all three women are the same person. We’ll just have to wait and see how smart I am. This book is the first of a trilogy. All three books won the Hugo Award for best sci-fi/fantasy which is unfucking heard of. 

5. Night Circus by Erin Morganstern 

In the early 1900s, two magicians from two very different schools of learning make a wager on who’s form of magic is superior. They agree to raise two children to battle each other in mystical traveling circus. 

Night Circus follows the lives of Marco and Celia, who are unaware that their lives were created for the sole purpose of a magical duel. Only the winner can come out of this alive. There’s only one issue, they fall in love. 

4. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

The most excitement in Robert Mayhew’s life is his move from Scotland to London. He’s got a boring job, a shitty boss, and a bitchy fiancé. That all changes when he stops to help a crying bloody girl on the sidewalk. 
He meets Door, royalty from London Below. Door’s family has the power to make portals appear to travel anywhere in the world. All of them have been murdered except her. Now she’s enlisted Robert to help her get her revenge while dodging her assassins through London Below. London Below, London’s secret magical underground that’s filled with mythical beast hunters, rat worshippers, and evil angels alike. Robert is just a regular ass dude and doesn’t see the part he has to play in this fantastical adventure. 
3. Three Body Problem by Liu CixinThis former Hugo Award winner caught my eye when it was described to me as the most realistic alien invasion out there. That, coupled with Obama labeling it as a must read. It made me think that the President was giving me a blueprint for what’s actually out there. It’s lengthy though, lengthier than this blog if you could believe it. 
This story takes place in flashbacks and flash forwards to modern day. During China’s Cultural Movement in the late sixties, Ye Wenjie witnesses her father being murdered by the government. Her mother and sister support the execution but Ye condemns it. She’s labeled a traitor and sent to a labor camp where she’s later recruited for a top secret assignment due to her physics expertise. She makes contact with aliens who warn her not to respond or Earth will be invaded and destroyed. She responds explicitly for that reason. 
In modern day, nanotechnologist Wang Miao is recruited by local police to help with the murders of top scientists. Wang knows somehow that this video game everyone is playing has something to do with the disappearances. Teamed up with local detective, Yang Dong, they infiltrate the secret society inviting a deadly alien invasion. The world is split between people fighting the upcoming invasion and those welcoming it. 
2. Magicians by Lev GrossmanThis book is like Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia combined. That is, if all the students were fucking, murdering, and doing a shit ton of drugs. Magicians explores the land of Fillory and a newfound young magician’s obsession with it’s lore and power. After attending Breakbills College of Magical Pedagogy, Quentin Coldwater enlists his friends to find the mythical storybook land that he read about as a child. But it isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, it’s fucking dark as shit. 
I know it’s a TV show and I said I wouldn’t do that, but I’m pretty positive no one watched it. Syfy produced it. I was obsessed with this series and I couldn’t even make it through two episodes. 
1. Hyperion by Dan SimmonsThis is probably my favorite book I ever read and I’ve never met a single person who’s heard of it. Dan Simmons creates this complex universe with intricacies that make you feel like you’ve lived there all your life. This level of world building is paralleled only to maybe George RR Martin. 
Thousands of years in the future, seven pilgrims take the journey to the planet of Hyperion because one of them has the best chance to stop the mythical Shrike. The Time Tombs that held the immortal killing godlike creature are deteriorating. Both religious prophecy and super computer confirm these random people from all walks of life have the best chance to stop the universal apocalypse. But only one will stop the Shrike and undo the tragedy in their life, the rest of them are walking to their deaths. 
The pilgrims are made up of a priest, a disgraced war hero, a drunk poet, a nature Templar, a Jewish scholar and his infant daughter, a private investigator, and a government official. Each one tells their story of why they took the journey on the way to the Time Tombs and why they risk their lives in front of the Shrike. With each passing tale, it becomes more and more difficult to figure out who you are rooting for to be the last one standing. 
Dan Simmons does an unbelievable job in painting planets with their different properties and histories. While still acknowledging “Old Earth” and where humanity stemmed from. His foresight for future technologies is genius. Houses that have portals for doors that result in each room being on a different planet. Robots that have the memories and live the lives of humanity’s most famous artists, philosophers, and leaders. Hyperion is really unmatched. 
I’ve been dying for this series to be adapted into screen. The good news is that apparently Bradley Cooper in love with the Hyperion Cantos and is determined to get it done. _____________________________________________
If you’re just starting out reading, it’s important to stay engaged. So if someone recommends a classic to you, they’re an idiot. I’ve read the Mark Twains, and the Sherlock Holmes, and the Oscar Wildes. They’re all great books, they’ve held up this long for a reason. But it’s better to work yourself up to them. Go for something more recent. 
Or maybe you’re not just starting out reading. In which case, you’re welcome for these. Thank me later. 

The Truth About Nick Saban And The NFL

During this year’s SEC Media Day, the subject of Nick Saban’s tenure as Miami Dolphins Head Coach once again came to the forefront. All because he blamed the doctor who didn’t pass Drew Brees’ physical for his departure. This is what happens when you run a perfect program, people try to make headlines out of things that happened 14 years ago. That’s fine, it’s one of my favorite drunken arguments. Nick Saban wasn’t a good NFL Head Coach, he was a great one. 

Whenever I tell people from the northeast that I went to Alabama and I’m a Tide fan their first defense mechanism is normally “Yeah well Saban sucked in the NFL.” Oh yeah? Let’s break it down. 

Under Dave Wannstedt and Jim Bates the 2004 Dolphins went 4-12. Coming off a National Championship, Nick Saban took his talents to South Beach and improved the Dolphins to 9-7 in his debut season. +5 wins with the same scrubs who just finished in last place the year prior. If that doesn’t impress you, how’s this for a fun fact: Only two NFL Coaches have the privilege of saying that they shut out Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. Nick Saban is one of them, and he did it with fucking Joey Harrington under center.

Now people are acting like Saban is some evil mastermind for blaming this poor innocent doctor. The “fall guy.” Are we fucking kidding? We’re just going to pretend like this doctor wasn’t the most wrong person of all time? Saban recruited Drew Brees, the doctor failed him, and the organization decided to go with Daunte Caulpepper instead. Culpepper lasted four games throwing 929 yards with 2 TDs and 3 INTs. Saban used Joey Harrington and Cleo Lemmon the rest of the year and still managed to go 6-10. 

Drew Brees on the other hand, went on to have his first First-Team All-Pro season. He threw for 4418 yards with 26 TDs to 11 INTs. Not to mention, he attended 12 more Pro Bowls and now dons a Super Bowl ring. As of today, he’s first all time in Passing Yards and second all time in Passing Touchdowns. So who was right? Nick Saban or the doctor who “doesn’t know his ass from a handful of sand”?

Nick Saban looked at his friend, equal, and division rival, Bill Bilichick, and saw a man who worked for an organization that put all of their faith in him. Bill had the keys to the kingdom as Head Coach/GM. That doctor’s decision made one thing very clear to Nick Saban, the Dolphin’s didn’t trust his judgement. Saban’s departure wasn’t a coaching issue, it was trust issues. He went to Alabama because they offered him the opportunity of full control, and thus, a dynasty was born. Could’ve been you Miami. And I’ll tell you what, I’ll love that dumbass, stupid ass, idiot doctor forever for it.

Bugs Bunny Murdered LeBron

To no one’s surprise, Space Jam: A New Legacy was pretty much poop. It wasn’t awful, it was just meh. The problem is, if you’re reading this, this Space Jam wasn’t meant for you. Or me. It was an attempt to give preteens the same future nostalgia that we hold for the original. Every critique I’ve seen has been a bit overkill. Yes the plugs were shameless, LeBron’s acting was atrocious, and it was a bit messy, but it’s a kid’s movie. The children’s humor is exactly where this movie redeemed itself. 

Looney Tunes always plays. It doesn’t matter what age you are, what gender, probably doesn’t even matter if you understand the language. Running into mountain paintings, TNT, and falling pianos are funny. But the looniest of all, the one who shines brightest under the lights, is Bugs Bunny. And he absolutely torched Bron. 

There will be spoilers from here on out if you haven’t watched yet. 

When LeBron first finds himself in Tune World, Bugs shows him the ropes of his new cartoon self. After they run a truck off a bridge, they find themselves in Bugs’ infamous barber chair. Bugs asks LeBron what he’s doing in Tune World. “Torn meniscus? Midlife crisis? Ran out of teams to play for?” Jesus Bugs, slow down. This man has a family. Within five seconds he cut Bron at the knees. Torn meniscus = LeBron’s fake mid season injuries to take a break. During the midlife crisis line he’s checking LeBron’s hairline in a double mirror. A hairline, mind you, that Warner Bros was more than generous about. And then the killshot, “Ran out of teams to play for?” That one is self explanatory, “…not five, not six, not seven!” 

But he didn’t stop there. LeBron met the first front office that he couldn’t control. LeBron is notorious for playing GM and creating super teams. The Server-Verse was no different. This was the team that he was planning on recruiting- Superman, King Kong, Trinity, Batman, and Iron Giant. Classic. What he got was a handful of basketball players like Foghorn Leghorn, Granny, Roadrunner, Yosemite Sam, and one hooper in Lola Bunny. When LeBron started to protest, Bugs literally said to him, “This ain’t the Miami Heat you know.” 

Without a doubt my favorite insult to LeBron came when they went recruiting in DC World. It becomes clear that when you enter a new world, you’re assigned characterization based on your true self. Like how LeBron donned Hufflepuff robes when passing Harry Potter World. But when he landed in DC, LeBron took on the roll of none other than…. Robin. After all these years, Skip Bayless was right. 

Tune Squad wins in the end. LeBron takes the winning dunk, surprise surprise. But they only draw up one play the whole game. The most clutch shot of the game that would glitch the system and rob the villain of his powers, and it went to Bugs. LeBron with the fate of the universe on the line, gave up the shot to his teammate. Bugs gave his life, to allow LeBron to take the last shot. That’s true leadership. 

Like I said, pretty much poop. It’s not going to the Oscars or anything. But it’s certainly worth watching. Go for the LeBron hate, stay for Bugs Bunny. 

Surviving Your Shore House Part 2

Unfortunately Labor Day creeps closer and closer. You have 47 days to make your memories and mistakes. Part one was a resounding success so I figured I’d release a part two to get you over the finish line as painlessly as possible. 

1. Know Your Offers And Restrictions

No matter which way you slice it, this is going to be an expensive summer. Be smart with where your money goes. Obviously everyone knows that Bar A has Beat The Clock on Tuesdays. But knowing that getting there before 8:00 saves you the $10 cover is better. With that ten bucks you just saved, you now bought yourself a free 20 beers in that first hour. Uber spikes at peak hours, everyone knows that. Knowing what the Wally is, is better. I took a Wally last weekend to and from Spring Lake to Point Pleasant. We fit 20 people comfortably and paid $7 each both ways. 

Alas, it’s not all deals and rainbows. I spoke in Part One about avoiding peeing in public at all costs. Know your surroundings. You don’t want to find yourself in the negative over stupid fines. Like I did last weekend. I was unaware that there was no parking on Ocean Ave in Spring Lake from 3am-6am. They win this time. But it’s important to spread the word to avoid your friends making the same mistake. 

2. Eat Dinner As A House

Camaraderie is an important part of the summer. You’re basically playing two reality shows at once: Jersey Shore and Survivor. Keep good with your tribe.  Pizza and chicken fingers will get you through the summer. But my house every now and then made sure to do a hibachi trip or a big homemade Italian dinner. When in Rome. It’s a simple concept but it leads to less stupid squabbles in the house. 

3. Don’t Get Hung Up On A Transplant

Transplants are people who visit for a weekend or two but don’t have a house themselves. I had a buddy of mine hit off with a roomate’s friend who was visiting from the West Village. She was taking his jokes in stride and giving them back darker than he dished them. She spent the night in his room. Despite my best efforts, he added her on Instagram the day after she left. We’ve all caught him DMing her but we don’t know for sure what the contents of the conversation are. I can’t prove it, but I know he’s asking her when she’s coming back every weekend. He’s hung up on a transplant and it’s caused him to sulk at the bars. She’s not coming back little buddy. 

4. Don’t Be Afraid To Admit You Need A Break

There’s always that one asshole who’s calling you a bitch for skipping the bars that night. I know, cause it’s normally me. Hangovers get stronger as the years go on. I could probably do a whole section on making sure you have your hangover cure each weekend. But a breather is vital for the long haul. There’s no shame in having sober fun to reset your brain. Go to a boardwalk, win a jersey, ride a rollercoaster, play some mini golf. Whatever you need to do to get back in the fight. 

5. Don’t Hookup With A Roomate

Every shore house I’ve rented has been coed. Every shore house I’ve rented had a couple blossom from being roommates. It’s a terrible idea. It immediately turns the house into a game of Battle Of The Sexes. You two will fight, that’s a guarantee. For the culture. Either someone will hit on her or him and all hell will break loose. It becomes a spite fest of who’s going out without who and sexing up a dance floor with strangers. It forces all the guys to have the guy’s back and all the girls to take the girl’s side. One of you will cry, often times it’s both. There’s no room for emotions at the Jersey Shore. 

Again, enjoy yourselves, that’s what you’re there for. There are going to be nights where you make mistakes and wake up ashamed. Don’t be discouraged, that means you’re doing it right. When all else fails, remember, there’s always next weekend.