Is Baseball More Fun When Your Team Is Losing?

I know, I know, there’s football stuff on today. I’m excited too but I’m a Rams fan. I don’t think we’ve had a first rounder since the 90’s, so I watched baseball all day. Something struck me by watching the Yankee game today compared to last night. I like watching baseball more when my team’s losing. 

It’s weird, I know. When the Yankees lose I refuse to watch SportsCenter because watching the highlights cooks the blood inside of me. Yankees won 7-0 last night. Which I should be excited about given the state of this team but somewhere around the 5th inning when it was 5-0 my brain went into airplane mode. I was on my phone or reading my book with the game on in the background; instinctively shifting my focus if I heard a bat crack or an announcer yell. I didn’t even get excited for Clint Frazier’s home run. In fact, I got mad at him. That’s how fucked up baseball is. Guy’s first homerun of the season and all I’m thinking is “you just couldn’t of fucking saved it for when it mattered could you?”

But when we’re losing, like today, I’m much more engaged. I’m hanging on every pitch, ready to fight an umpire if need be. If you’re team needs a hit, you convince yourself everyone is getting a hit. Players are only two things in your eyes in that situation- hot or due. Either way they’re hitting. When you see a rally forming, you start believing in magic. And if there’s a home run to take the lead, I become a man possessed. I’m yelling, speaking in tongues, my mom’s screaming at me, my dog’s shaking in the corner of the living room. But it doesn’t matter, because you’ve felt the magnitude of that moment flow through you. It’s involuntary. 

Baseball is the real beautiful game, soccer can kick rocks. 

Watching losing baseball is a win/win. Best case scenario, your team comes from behind to win. Worst case, you lose. But there’s something so beautifully American about letting a baseball game fuck up your whole day. 

Citizen Kane Loses Perfect Rotten Tomatoes Score From Negative Review From 80 Years Ago

Good. Citizen Kane isn’t a movie but a tool used by pricked up nose people to gauge their dumb perception of your intelligence. Movie stinks. An anti-riddle? Rosebuds a sled? Oh yeah good one Orson, you’re so woke dude. 

The review was from the Chicago Tribune. It was written by Mae Tineé. Get it? Like matinee. Just when you think this critic couldn’t be any more of a legend. They don’t necessarily bash Citizen Kane in the review, but they don’t suck it’s dick either like every one else. 

“It gives me the creeps and I kept wishing they'd let a little sunshine in.”

Go off King! Queen? Your movie’s creepy. Can’t see damned thing! Worst part is, that’s done on purpose and I’m supposed to praise Orson Welles for making a movie I can’t watch if there’s a glare in the room. 

I can’t wait to drink the tears of cinephiles for this one. You know a cinephile by, well, them telling you and your shock of seeing anyone describe themselves with a word ending in “phile”. Or it’s in their tinder profile. 

Orson Welles was a fraud. He made this movie by starting it where The Great Gatsby ends. It’s the big question everyone has for F. Scott Fitzgerald. Who really was Jay Gatsby? Welles stole the concept and put it on a screen. So it’s really not as original as everyone thinks. That’s not a fact, it’s a working theory I have, but it probably is a fact. 

Stop making me feel like I have to like things just because they’re old. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it or understand it, Citizen Kane was a boring movie with the most anti-clamitic ending of all time. It deserved to be knocked down a peg. 100% ratings are reserved for movies without flaw. Now the crown has found the rightful head to rest on, Paddington 2.

Arizona Man Arrested After His Finger Was Found In Neighbor’s Driveway

I fucking love people. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the greats. I mean I’ve had someone give me the finger before but this is just ridiculous.

Francesca Wikoff from Casa Grande, Arizona called police after finding a finger in her driveway. It was next to her car that had two tires slashed. The finger, she believed, belonged to a neighbor that her and her husband had an argument with the night before when he became aggressively drunk. So police followed a TRAIL OF BLOOD to the nearby house and arrested the man. 

Ok. So many questions. One, how is it even possible to cut your fingers off during this? Like was he holding the tire like a loaf of bread and the blade slipped? It’s called slashing tires pal, not slicing. Put your back into it. Ok then what? How do you just leave it there? Did he weigh getting caught and say fuck it the fingers a lost cause, I gotta bounce. Hmm pay some fines or save my actual finger? Then after leaving it and spewing blood all the way home, what’s your next move? You think he was like I can handle this. “Tis but a scratch.” Or do you think he quarterized it like Jamie Lannister? Go to the hospital dude, your finger fell off. 

I don’t think people really understand how truly difficult it is for a large part of the population to just be normal. Like most of us wouldn’t leave our finger in a driveway over a neighborly dispute. For other people that’s just not an option. 

NASA’s Roleplay Kink

Those perverts over at NASA are roleplaying all week starting tomorrow, April 26th. Probably a bit differently then what you might type in a search bar though. NASA is running the scenario all week of protocols in the event of a massive asteroid collision with Earth. 

The simulation was created as a dry run to see how different nations, emergency services, space agencies, and decision makers would be able to cooperate in the case of a doomsday scenario. Honestly I didn’t think that they were thinking ahead like this. Help me sleep a little better tonight. But I don’t want to know how well we’d sing kumbaya together while awaiting our death from a fiery space murder rock. I need to know what we’re doing to stop this thing. 

Do we have lasers? Like Torchwood or Death Star level lasers that could blast an asteroid to hell if need be? We’ll probably never know until the situation presents itself. My only other solution is nuking the shit out of it. There’s no way that works though right? Fucking Armagaddeon. Made us all think, uhhhh duh we could just blow it up. Probably not true. 

But this is good. Good to know the gears are turning here and this is a step in the right direction. Although...

Of course this could all be a front for what they’re actually doing. This asteroid simulation week is being run by NASA’s Planetary Defense Coordination Office. Hmm? There’s been a massive uptick in UFO sightings as of late. Or at least that’s what my Tik Tok page would have you believe. They’re coming eventually, maybe sooner rather than later. Prep up people, clearly NASA is. 

Corpsegrinder, The Claw Machine Hero

Never judge a book by it’s cover, especially if the title happens to be Corpsegrinder. I’m sure we all know Corpsegrinder, lead frontman for Cannibal Corpse. No? Its a country band. I’m kidding, it’s very obviously a death metal band. Never was my cup of tea, if I wanted someone to yell at me I’d leave my room when I’m hungover. But this guy is the man. 

While Cannibal Corpse is touring the country, Corpsegrinder is scouring the land for new claw machines to dominate. Now you might be wondering, what does a 50 year old lead vocalist of death metal band need little plush stuffed animals for? Well he does it for the the love of the game, but also he donates all his winnings to charity because he’s a legend. 

But take a look at his breakdown on clawin:

“I'm looking what's in there, and then I'm looking at how it's sitting inside of there. Is there something on top of it? Do I have to move that? As soon as I see how the claw reacts, I'll know if I'm gonna win. If the actual hands of the claw are set really loose, or maybe the machine has been used a lot, then sometimes stuff will just slip out.”

The guys a savant. There were even cheating accusations from his clawin videos posted on his Instagram (@georgecorpsegrinder). There are certain codes and cheats that claw mechanics use to guarantee a win to make sure the machines working properly. But not him, he’s just that good and I believe him. What would make you believe that Corpsegrinder isn’t a man of honor?

There’s only one rule. If you’re watching him perform, on a claw I mean not a stage, don’t say a single word until the prize has hit the bottom of the dropbox. Just because a prize is picked up doesn’t mean it can’t get lost on the transfer. Corpsegrinder admitted to once yelling at a child who celebrated too early about a Dale Earnhardt Sr. car that he was trying to win for his mother. None of us are perfect. Believe it or not, not even Corpsegrinder. 

So if you see Corpsegrinder on a claw do him, me, and the less fortunate kids he donates to a favor and just sit back, stfu and watch greatness unfold. Or run the risk of getting your corpse grinded. 

Wait, So You Shouldn’t Bring Your Students To Strip Clubs?

A misconduct panel has found English computer teacher, Richard Glenn, guilty of gross misconduct for his actions as a chaperone during the school’s Costa Rica trip in 2019. Strip clubs are a right of passage in a young man’s life. I remember my older cousins bringing me for my first foggy, cherry blossom scented lap dance when I turned 18. Maybe Richard was that spirit guide for these boys. How bad could it have been? 

The findings from the BBC report are as follows:

“-Drinking with pupils

 - Allowing one or more pupils to drink alcohol despite being under the legal age of 18 

 - Threatening to ‘kick the head in’ of one pupil and ‘kill’ another

 - Telling one pupil: ‘I'm not in trouble - you'll be in trouble’

 - After being aggressive to one pupil, he kissed the boy's forehead and told him ‘you're all right’

- Taking one or more pupils to a strip club

- Acting aggressively towards the woman leading the trip when she tried to help him back to his tent

- Exposing himself to the woman in a shared hotel room, although it was agreed this was not ‘malicious or sexually motivated’”

Holy shit who is this guy, Randy Marsh? There is a lot to unpack here so let’s just go through each individual accusation. 

Drinking with pupils and some being underage. Meh. I mean, UK isn’t 21 to party like it is here. I’m pretty sure you can do heroin at 16 in London. Where we go a little overboard is moving the drinks to the strip club to get lappies with literal minors. 

Telling a student that you’re going to kill them or kick their head in definitely won’t win you educator of the year. Curb stomping a child in the streets is a good way to find yourself in a Costa Rican prison for the rest of your life. And despite popular belief, forehead kisses do not overturn terroristic threats charges. 
The only shining light here is his defense. There is just no arguing with “I’m not in trouble, you’re in trouble.” Shit is air tight. 
Where I thought they had Glenn dead to rights was the aggression towards his fellow chaperones. That last bit threw me for a loop though. But apparently there is a way to expose yourself to a woman without any malicious sexual intent? Only the English could find a way to politely flash their wieners. 
My guess is Richard Glenn was a victim of his own past. Let’s think about it for a second. Shockingly enough he isn’t a PE teacher. He teaches computer science. Nerd. Glenn probably didn’t have the best time in high school, so he has one too many tequila sunrises and sees a shot to redeem the glory days with the popular kids this time. We’ve all seen the coming of age movies, think Superbad, Dazed & Confused, etc. What happens to the nerds who finally make it to the big party? They get too fucked up and fight with each other. 
Glenn was banned from teaching for three years. Pretty lucky if you ask me. Probably should’ve been brought up on criminal charges but that’s a jurisdictional nightmare. Justice is served in shame in this case. I got my Sunday scaries on Friday this week and I thought those were bad. Mild compared to this. Imagine an 11 hour plane ride back to England knowing that all your co-workers, student’s parents, and family know that you abandoned your responsibilities to get drunk with a bunch of teenagers that you tried to fight in a strip club? Basically the death penalty. 

Be Kind And Rewind, Or Get Hit With Felony Embezzlement

It was a happy time in Caron McBride’s life. She had found love in Texas, got married, and was on her way to change her last name when WHAM finds out she’s unable to because she’s been charged with felony embezzlement for not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS that she rented 21 years ago. 

VHS finally got one. There were all sorts of warning screens and FBI statements at the beginning of VHS tapes and now we know why. Because of Caron McBride. This rental happened when Caron lived in Oklahoma. So this felon had the gall to cross state lines and live life on the lam for two decades in Texas. Big mistake. Maybe you can get away with felony embezzlement of rented property in Oklahoma, but not in The Lone Star State. 

McBride actually had to call the District Attorney’s office and get her charges dropped. The store she rented from closed in 2008. Charges were dropped and now she’s working on getting her criminal record expunged. But I’m not so sure about that. 

Caron is trying to say that she never even rented the VHS and it was probably her ex’s young daughters. But she’s selling too hard. Caron claims that she’s never even seen Sabrina The Teenage Witch and that it wasn’t “her cup of tea.” Ok, now I know you’re a lying criminal. Everyone’s seen Sabrina The Teenage Witch and it’s everyone’s cup of tea. Sabrina was a total babe, Harvey was the man, and Salem was a riot. Pshhh ‘not your cup of tea’, you actually expected me to believe that? And here’s the kicker, Caron had the audacity to call it “Samantha The Teenage Witch.” Congratulations, now you get felony embezzlement and slander charges.