Wtf Is Going On At Netflix?

Netflix needs to chill. I don't know who's running things over there, but I'd like to ask them if they've lost their mind. I saw this movie "Love" in my recommended queue and noticed the little Top 10 picture in the corner, so I clicked on it to read the description. During my research the movie started to play in the background and just porn. Straight up porn. 

The movie starts off with a woman's back laid across a man's chest. They're both naked. She's jerking the dude off, he's fingering her. Not like, ya know, it's implied under the blanket or something, you see everything. Dick and vagina on my screen. No lie, it's the first three minutes of the movie. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. When the scene cut I was half expecting the girl to ask the guy if that was enough to cover the cost of her pizza delivery. 

This isn't the first offense for Netflix either. "365", also in the Netflix Top 10, is about a mafia boss who kidnaps a woman and has sex with her for a whole year until she falls in love with him. That's rape, this is what rape is. I admittedly haven't watched the movie but I have seen that clip on Twitter where he grabs the girl naked in the shower by the back of the neck and kisses her aggressively. If I did that I'd end up with a nosebleed, a restraining order, and probably jail time. I mean, have you ever even heard of Stockholm Syndrome? 

So why the sudden shift? Is it because they feel threatened by HBO Max? Because let's be honest, there's a whole generation of men out there that believe anything that ends in "max" means porn. Like Cinemax, need I say more? I like to imagine the higher ups in Netflix hearing the announcement of HBO's new service and saying "Fuck it, just start streaming porn." 

I just can't get over that they threw that in my face. 91% match. Ninety-fucking-one, who's doing this math? Here's my last seven things watched on Netflix: Dark, Nate Bargatze's Tennessee Kid, Bill Burr's You People Are All The Same, Avatar The Last Airbender, Daniel Sloss' Live Shows, and James Acaster's Repertoire. What the fuck about that screams 91% match. Who read that lineup and said "Make sure he watches his porn with us tonight"?

Look, I'm no prude. I'm an adult, I see naked people on a screen all the time. I'm not saying that I'm outraged and want this to be removed. But Netflix has no problem asking me "Are you still watching this?" all the time. All I'm saying is, if you're going to throw finger banging and hand jibbers on my screen, maybe preface it with a "Is your door locked?" prompt.  

From The Nosebleeds

My head has been in a weird place lately. I beat The Last Of Us II and finished watching Dark on Netflix all within the same week. It's taken a toll on my overall mood, so it's time to get back to normal. Nothing in my life is more normal, more constant, than nosebleeds. 

I'd say that I average about five nosebleeds a week. It's been that way since I was around seven years old. My Dad used to tell me it was because I picked my nose too much. While I'm sure that didn't help, I'm pretty sure I just came with a defective nose. As a grown adult my nose shouldn't still bleed this much. I've heard everything from a suspected cocaine addiction to "Maybe instead of your vagina, God put your period in your nose". I could write a Dr. Seuss book on all the places I've had a nosebleed. 

My nose has bled in a boat, while driving, while sleeping, while it was my turn to read out loud to my sixth grade class onto my textbook, during a school basketball game, during a funeral, once while surfing deep out in the ocean in Hawaii, in a bar, and mid-coitus.

My one buddy has never had a nosebleed. I even watched him break his nose once and not a drop. It's like a superpower. I have a theory that this kid hates attention so much that his blood just sucked itself back inside his brain. I on the other hand love attention, which is probably why I was dealt this kryptonite. I've been working hard to go unnoticed with my bloody noses during the virus. When people see me with a red stained clump of tissues to my nose, they look at me like I've brought the plague in the building. 

I'm just trying to spread awareness for those of us with chronic nosebleeds. I'm aware that I could have my nostrils cauterized to soften the blow. But I heard a rumor that the operation could possibly change your tastebuds. That is a price I'm not willing to pay. So I'll keep fighting the good fight with a fistful of tissues, and a nasal cavity full of coagulated blood. 

A Cancel For A Cancel Leaves The Whole World Canceled

I tweaked Gandhi's words a bit for my title which seems fitting. One of the most peaceful protestors in humanity's history, who fought for independence, women's equality, religious tolerance, and poverty as a Human Rights issue, should by all accounts be canceled today. Did you know that a 77 year old Gandhi used to sleep naked with his 18 year old niece for "purity's sake"?

Why does Gandhi so often get a pass? Is it because he was born in the 1800s? Or that he was married away by his family at the age of 13? Do his good deeds outweigh his sexual exploitations? Why does piggy Gandhi get a pass for real life actions while others are being canceled over jokes that they Tweeted years ago? It's a rapid change in social norms and a slow burn in accepting other's growth.

We now live in an instant world where we can view and debate issues even while they're still happening. We've become accustomed to immediate outrage and thus impatient with gradual growth. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing either, some things are blatantly immoral and warrant an expedited response. Which is why I can't understand how people can chant "We want change now!" and then say "We don't believe you've changed!" after digging up a four year old Tweet or video.

Jokes to me are sacred. I understand that may not be the opinion of others, but for me they help relieve the harsh realities of the world in the comfort of humor. Some people find that comfort in religion, my refuge is in comedy. To me, jokes have a way of reflecting ugliness in a light that takes the sting out of an issue. If you can laugh at something, then you can change it.

Suppressing jokes is suppressing expression is suppressing change. The best jokes are fueled by the attitudes and feelings of that point in time. If our attitudes and feelings now have a shelf life of a couple years, then yes, a lot of jokes won't age well. That doesn't make the creator a bad person, it just makes them human. Capable of development.

With everyone constantly displaying how good of a person they are on social media, we're quick to point out other's imperfections for our own scorekeeping. But we've seen it time and time again where the canceler becomes the canceled. And round and round we go.

I hope we accept that people are adjusting to being better. I hope we give them time to do so. I hope that we recognize jokes for what they are, a human attempt to make someone else laugh.

I'm sorry for my serious tone. To better explain how I feel, here's a Patrice O'Neal clip on canceling jokes to play us out....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjIuPSuYSOY

Yes I'm Aware Of My Farmer's Tan Stop Asking Me About It

I thought about using a different picture because this graphic is hitting a little too close to home. Fuck, this is exactly what I look like. My forearms look like the big guy from Moana, everything under the shirt looks like the ghost of winter's past. The contrast is staggering. Worst part is, I just bought these big-boy tees that make me look kinda jacked but they choke up on the biceps a bit and expose my borderline see through complexion. The amount of "Have you seen your farmer's tan?"'s that I've got is getting out of control. 

Of course I know what my tan looks like, that's why I keep pulling my sleeves down. What do you think I do, close my eyes when I go into the shower? Don't answer that. No one is more cognizant of the ridiculous looking farmer's tan than the person wearing it. "Well how did you get it?", fucking being at work like literally every single person ever who's had this tan. 

"Why don't you fix it?", this is the worst part of acknowledging the tan. We both know why I don't balance it out so stop asking it like a dick. It's because I'm fat. Do I look like I grill with my shirt off? Of course not. Day 1 of biggon school, play your strengths. 

If you ever feel the need to interrogate somebody who has a farmer's tan, here are the forever answers you're looking for. Yes I know what my skin looks like at the moment, I most likely got the tan from work, and it still looks like that because I'm overweight. Print out this cheat sheet and keep it in your wallet. Also I'm rebranding "farmer's tan" to Brawny Tawny. No further questions at this point.  

Apocalypse Prep: The Last Of Us II

A few years back I bought a PS4 strictly to play MLB The Show. To be honest it wasn't worth it and it started to bother me. So I started playing a select few one-player games to justify my purchase. Spiderman and God of War were both dope. Far Cry, meh. But my favorite game was the remastered version of The Last Of Us, a 2013 zombie game. Normally I'm not a big zombie guy, but this game was so well done that it feels like you're playing a movie. Seven longs years later, the sequel has dropped. 

A non spoiler description in one sentence. A revenge game set in a post-apocalyptic zombie America. Now I'm no video game savant, so if you're looking for an in depth review on logistics and gameplay you've come to the wrong place. What I will tell you is that this game is just as aesthetically pleasing and the storyline just as engaging as the first one. And probably more gruesome, which is saying something. Sure, Zombies are a crucial part of the game, but it's the interactions with humans that'll fuck you up. 

Let's get to the negatives, or negative I should say. I only have one problem with the game. The main protagonist in the sequel is Ellie, who was like 12 in the original. You save her little life in the first game. It's revealed that Ellie is immune and is the only reported person of her kind. Creating a cure from her blood would kill her. Whoops, spoilers*. She's all grown up now and you have to play through her sexual relationship. Now I'm a grown up, I know I had no real attachment to that little girl and that she's not even a real person, but I found myself bit uncomfortable. Put it this way, D'Elia would've loved it.   

Other than that, it's a really good game. I get sad thinking about how I'm going to beat it soon and not be able to play anymore. If you like scary movies, it's pretty spooky. I've had nine mini heart attacks from zombie ambushes. Definitely not recommended for a guy of my stature and blood pressure, but I persevere for Ellie's sake.  

I'm not rooting for the end of the world, but this game is certainly preparing me for it. My trust in humanity is at an all time low, which is exactly where it needs to be if we're heading towards Armageddon. Today while I was playing, I had to venture off with a one armed 14 year old and when she couldn't climb something I screamed at my TV, "You're going to be a FUCKING liability aren't you?!". I think that means I have what it takes for survival. 

Well that's my review. I guess you can call it a review, I've never reviewed anything before. Pretty weird to review something you haven't even finished yet. I've done this all wrong. Just play the fucking game, you won't regret it. Remember how I said it's like playing a movie? HBO picked it up to make it a show. Yes you can just wait to watch the show if you want, but it's more fun to be that snob that goes "Well in the game they did it this way...". 

Bau Out

I'm over Trevor Bauer. For the record, this had nothing to do with the argument he had with Aubrey Huff today. I was planning on writing this blog before their little squabble. Bauer likes to act like he's this morally superior superhuman because he knows big words and flies a drone. It was cool at first to see a player to act like themselves and not feel the need to hide their personality over fear of organizational backlash. Once that wore off though, I found his personality annoying. 

Like this Twitter beef today. Aubrey Huff is a moron, he needs to be punched in the face. Everybody knows that. All Bauer had to say was "Shut up Aubrey you idiot", and he would have won in a landslide. But Trevor just can't shake that Messiah complex of his. He tried using logic to fend off Aubrey Huff like a dumbass. You can't expect facts to win an argument against someone who calls you a sugar-titted cuck with low T and no rings who jerks off to analytics. Congratulations, now you lost sugar tits. Also for the record, Hubbs blogged this argument today and had little blurbs about how funny Huff's jabs were and then said Bauer won the fight which doesn't make any sense. Lot of things on the record today. 

Where Bauer lost me was the nonstop ranting about owners and the state of baseball. To be honest he wasn't necessarily wrong, but he just kept saying the same thing over and over again. Which would have been fine if it brought about change, but it didn't. And he still hasn't shut up. Trevor's just whining at this point. 

I just feel like every baseball fan feels this obligation to like Trevor Bauer. Well I don't. Fuck him. I know Trevor Bauer doesn't give a shit about what I have to say but I'd like him to know that the feeling is mutual at this point.   

Sleeping With The Enemy

I haven't been able to sleep for shit as of late. I miss sleep. I love sleep, I don't even drink coffee because I enjoy being tired. I normally take comfort in blaming my troubles on others, but with sleep, who do you have to blame but yourself? It's my brain's fault. 

It's crazy, you never expect your own brain to turn on you. I certainly didn't see it coming. I assume that the human mind is supposed to appreciate sleep, in truth I do it for him. I do everything with my brain. Tell him secrets, read him books, do puzzles sometimes, like what more can it ask for? I even try taking matters into my own hands if you catch my drift, never works. 3:30-4:00am every night. This is the thanks I get. 

I was woken up this morning at 7:30 from a fucking hammer in my kitchen. I went to bed somewhere around 4:00am. I double-timed down the stairs half expecting a fight and saw a man I've never seen before. He was installing a new back door to my house. Sometimes you know before someone even speaks that they smoke a lot of cigarettes, that's what this guy looked like. He said "Oh! You must be little TKJ, your dad just went out for coffee. If you text him now he might still be able to get you one. By the way, happy belated birthday". I don't drink coffee and my birthday was two months ago, who does this? But I said fuck it, let him murder us, maybe then I can finally get some sleep. I went back upstairs and couldn't fall back asleep. 

On my 3.5 hours of rest, I thought I'd snooze like a baby tonight. I don't even see sleepiness on the horizon. 

I have a theory about sleep. I'm tired all day. When I yawn in the middle of a conversation, it's not that I'm being rude. It's just when you're day tired, it's because you're normally at work. Which is normally not fun. When I'm home by myself, I'm a lot of fun. So if you're sleep deprived, that means you're literally too much fun to be unconscious.