The Case For Leaving The Seat Up

Chivalry as we've all heard, is dead. Was it ever really alive though? It was created by knights of some round table who would conquer, rape, and pillage just to send unsolicited "U up?" letters to local virgins. Regardless, I am here to tell you that leaving the seat up after you empty doesn't make you a bad person. 

When I was in the seventh grade, a couple of the lads and I went to our Regina George's house to hang out with the pretty girls from class. The objectives were pretty simple, watch a scary movie, try to consensually touch a boob, and let everyone know what it felt like. Snacks were out, Hills Have Eyes was on, and the lights were low. I was certain that my life was going to change forever that night. It did, but not the way I had hoped. Fate decided to poo poo on my night. Midway through the movie I left the love seat I was occupying with a female classmate to go see a man about horse.  When I returned, my beloved ask me if I washed my hands. Against all odds, I had. She held my hand and we continued watching the movie with heavy breath. About twenty minutes later, it happened. Regina came into the room, paused the TV and asked who pissed all over her toilet seat. Everyone looked at me because I was the last to leave the room. You could fry an egg on my face it got so hot. The room was in an uproar with argument. Without a shadow of a doubt, I 100% lifted the seat before pissing and put the seat back down before departure. I had an older sister who could kick my ass. None of my shitty friends would admit it was them, the girls were looking around the room for pitchforks and there was nothing I could say to prove my innocence so I went silent. Eventually someone hit play on the movie and the girl I was sitting next to moved seats. I watched the rest of the movie without blinking, hearing the whispering throughout the room. No one ever admitted to the pee. 

14 years later....

I'm working in a school that's K-8. I have to take a leak and go to use the adult unisex bathroom. It's a one person bathroom with no urinal. I get in and immediately notice there is piss on the seat. I grab a piece of toilet paper and lift the seat so I can go. Mid-stream, I hear a knock on the door. I answer with a "Yup one sec" and a female voice responds "Oh...alright.". Three options arise: One, put the seat down like a "gentleman" and risk the entire staff talking about me like I'm some sort of pee monster. Two, put the seat down AND CLEAN A STRANGER'S PEE all while possibly contracting coronavirus. Three, leave the seat as is, let them say ugh typical man leaving the seat up and realize that I'm not the one who pees like they have an unmanned fire hose. Because of my previous shame, not only will some poor soul have to put the seat down but they'll have a surprise waiting for them when they do. Never again. 

So gents, always cover your ass. It's better to be known as a seat-keeper-upper than a seat-wetter. But keep in mind it isn't that difficult to put the seat up. Ladies, if we're being honest it's just as easy to put the seat back down. Spot before you squat. We all have to share this world and sometimes that includes bathrooms. 

I don't vote and I don't care.

I am 26 years old and I have never voted. I never plan on voting and that makes people really really angry. When I tell people I don't vote my hands down favorite response to come out of their twisted up face is "But, but, but it's your right to vote!" Yeah, do you know what else is my right? My right to not fucking vote. Both are rights, one is not more of a right than the other. Don't lecture me on what my rights are to fit your opinion on what I should do with myself. 

Admittedly, I don't know shit about politics. I know that Democrats are always whining and that Republicans are kind of dicks. Why would I want a say about a subject I know nothing about. Politicians use big numbers, made up percentages, and regurgitated statistics to get people to argue about things they know nothing about. I work in a field that is traditionally Republican. They like to talk politics and side eye me when I don't throw in my two cents. I'm not an idiot who can't read headlines, so I'll drop a snarky remark on a current event to convince my co-workers that I'm Republican. On the flip side, most of my college friends and roommates were Democrats. Whenever they felt scholarly and argued politics I would do the same exact strategy but to give the impression that I'm a Democrat. Wanna know why? Because I don't give a shit. 

I am an avid sports fan. I argue about my teams whether I know I'm right or wrong because I love my team. I'll say they're good when they aren't. I'll turn a blind eye to immoral decisions made by the franchise. I'll go to bat for every team I'm a fan of because I love to argue and I love sports. At the end of the day though, they're playing a fucking game. Think for a minute and try to wrap your head around being a fan of decision making. Thats all it is really. One party makes decisions like this and the other makes decisions like that. You have to stick to an automated answer on controversial questions and topics that are constantly coming out with new research and vantage points. The cockiness of telling someone they can't change their stance on something based off the way they vote is astounding.

So you mean to tell me that I have to choose a person to run a whole damn country and then I have to blindly agree with every single decision they make for the next four years? I don't even agree with half the decisions I make for myself over a four year span. Do you know when my life changed after a Democratic or Republican decision? Cause I don't. My life has pretty much stayed the same no matter who was in the White House. My life changes when I fuck up. When I make a bad decision, or a good one.

I promise you that any election that I never participated in wouldn't have been swayed to a different outcome if I had voted Democrat or Republican. (I'm so out of the political world that I can't even remember if you're supposed to capitalize "Democrat" and "Republican" but I've been doing it throughout this blog anyway.)  Believe me, I see the flaw in my logic. If everyone thought the way that I did then nobody would ever vote and democracy would crumble before our very eyes. If that day ever comes I promise you that I will vote and be the lone American to elect the president each term. So take your opinions about my opinion and shove it up your ass.

Tinder Translations From An Aging Millenial

It's 2020 which means that I'm turning 28 this year. My clock to start a family and pass on my shitty genes is ticking. I know this because my mother reminds me every Tuesday when I go to her house for dinner. So if my calculations are correct, I'm going to die of a heart attack at 47. If I meet a girl this year, we date for three years until I propose, that's 31. It takes two years to plan the wedding, have our announcement party, have her bachelorette party, my bachelor party, and our engagement party now we're at 33. After the wedding, I'm still pulling out because we convince ourselves we're still young enough to travel for a year until we start a family. At age 34 we start "trying". I don't really know what "trying" means, three of my buddies from high school were actively not "trying" and have kids like half their age now. So lets say trying takes three months (?), add the 9 months of pregnancy and I'm 35 when I have my first child. That means I have 12 years, 10 solid ones, to part some real wisdom onto my child before tragedy strikes and he/she is left with their ditzy single mother. "Intelligent" women don't find me "attractive". 

Clock is ticking. 

Where do I go shopping? Tinder. I've had a couple matches strike my tinder but no real flames have really ignited. My bio is genius, it says Carpe DM's. It shows I'm equally hilarious and intelligent in one swift bio. My counterparts haven't had as witty bios as myself. Some of them made me really laugh. Life being the way it is, none of those profiles matched with me. So it goes. Most bios say little, but a lot can still be translated little to work with. Here's what I've found: 

-Saying you're a "wanderlust" doesn't make you a smart person. That isn't the first time we've heard that word. We all saw that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie. 

-Saying your an "upfront person" just means your a cunt. It's ok to be an upfront person but if you're bragging to strangers online about it then odds are you already know. Some people, men and women, like being cunts which I can respect, I just can't leave my unborn children with them. 

-If you say you're "nerdy" only because you watched Game of Thrones, fuck you. 

-If at any point you mention that your bi-sexual you cease to be a bio and immediately become an advertisement for a threesome. 

-If you're 27+ wearing one of those rug sweatshirts and the only thing you have is "4/20 friendly" it's fair for me to assume that you smell like everything bagels. 

-I don't know who needs to hear this but for the girls with a jiggly Boomerang, you are appreciated.

 -If you have a picture with your child with the caption something along the lines of "My son/daughter is my life and no one will ever come between that." I'm here to tell you, you're good. Most people are on here to fuck someone in the back of a Wendy's parking lot, not to look for a mother and child to separate. 

-To the whole "never check this, add my instagram and message me there" population, the gig is up we know your tricks. No free clout. 

-Stop telling me you can out drink me. You can't. This shit is in my DNA and I will gladly get kicked out of a bar on a first date to prove you wrong. 

-You aren't "Just here for the dogs" you're all looking to get dicked down just like we're all looking for a closet to put the ol' womb broom in. 

-Why can I prefer brunettes over blondes with no issue but when I say I'd rather a vagina over your tucked willy all of a sudden I'm transphobic?  

-If you have a picture of just your ass in a thong, no face or nothin with the caption "no hookups", thank you, but no one believes you now. 

-If your picture is just a black screen with no bio I think you're probably a crazy chick who's looking for her cheating boyfriend. Which is hilarious, keep doing your thing. 

-If you have "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" you have 0 internet awareness and get a one way swipe to Leftland. 

- I won't read past "unpopular opinion".  

-Lastly, if your bio reads "I want to fuck your life up. My go to karaoke song is Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow and I like to cook in the nude." Caroline, please swipe right.

The clock is ticking. Enjoy the decade because by the next one we'll all be in our thirties....or worse. Please keep my children in your prayers, namaste.  

p.s. I'm sort of sorry that I used the c word but even more sorry that I used so many of these "".  

Clemson Vs Alabama 2022 Preview

For the first and certainly not the last time, DJ Uiaglelei and Bryce Young faced off this weekend in California. The showdown ended with Bama's recruit beating out Clemoson's 38-24.  DJ Uiaglelei, the Clemson commit, is 247 Sports' QB1 and #3 overall recruit. DJ is flanked by two other top recruits from 247 composite, Ohio St linebacker commit Kourt Williams and UCLA wr commit Logan Loya. Uiaglelei looked poised and unbothered by Mater Dei's constant pressure. While being blitzed he had one of the best plays of the game; dancing around the pocket shaking one defender, and then throwing a fifty yard touchdown with another rusher in his face. DJ Uiaglelei finished 19/31 for 312 yards, two throwing touchdowns and one rushing. He looked good, I won't lie. 

https://twitter.com/prepzone/status/1187963214522249217?s=20

BUT my God, Bryce Young. I don't think I've ever been this excited for an Alabama recruit. Bryce came into this game, ranked as the lesser quarterback, ranked the lesser team, and balled the fuck out. The future Bama Heisman finished with 250 throwing yards, 75 rushing yards, 3 throwing touchdowns, and two rushing touchdowns. Bryce has such a quick release on his throw but shows maturity in the pocket squaring his shoulders on each throw. If the pocket collapses, oh well, time to get your ankles snatched. The first drive Mater Dei had ended on a 51 yard touchdown and Bryce really didn't take his foot of the gas from there. In my biased opinion, the play of the game came in the 3rd quarter on his second touchdown to Epps. Extending the play, running out of the pocket, placing the ball perfectly in the back corner of the end zone where only his receiver could get it. Looking like a young Russell Wilson out there. I'm not taking any Kyler Murray comparisons because I don't like him. 

You can find the touchdown here: 

https://twitter.com/prepzone/status/1187954530551390209?s=20

I love what Tua has started. It's like he reminded the world that Alabama is also looking for top quarterback recruits. Alabama has opened pandora's quarterbox and Bryce Young is the next one to hop out. Put everybody on notice. I fully expect him to start next year as a true freshman following Tua's departure. Bryce slaps Trevor Lawrence on the ass and sends him on his way to the NFL with a loss in 2021. 2022 we get our first rematch between DJ Uiaglelei and Bryce Young. Book it.

Has PJ Lost His Flecking Mind?

"I said on TV I really hope College GameDay looks at our twin city, our university, truly to bring GameDay here. We have four million people that live in the twin city area. We are the only division one school in the state of Minnesota. Everybody here is Gophers. We have never hosted College Gameday."

I won't blame him for trying, but PJ can seriously fuck off. It's a valiant effort. His argument is basically that Gameday can do LSU vs Bama any year and who knows the next time Minnesota will be able to host GameDay. I don't know what to tell you PJ, be better. 

We're televising big boy football here Peej. What makes you think you will put on a better show than the #1 vs #2 team? Let's look at the facts here. Minnesota hasn't proven itself as a contending program in years. As for your 8-0 start this year, there was 0 ranked opponents. Penn St has a ranked win vs Michigan under their belt. Their defense is so so serious, giving up multiple touchdowns in only one game this season. The second they come into town, you guys will spot your shadows and run back into your little hole. Gophers and groundhogs are the same thing and you won't tell me otherwise. PJ's boys beat an abysmal Georgia Southern team by 3 points! THREE! The same Georgia Southern that the LSU Tigers beat 55-3. Tell me again how you'll put a better product on that field. 

I don't give a shit if four million people live in the twin cities. I wouldn't care if twenty million lived there, you will not pack the campus like Tuscaloosa vs LSU. Bryant-Denny Stadium holds more than double the amount of fans than the Gophers' stadium. I mean for fucks sake it holds 35,166 more fans than the Vikings stadium. Don't care how many people live there, don't care how many division one schools the state has, you will not have more people than us. This is what we live for. Everybody in Minnesota is Gophers? Wrong. They are also Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, and Wild. We're talking college football in state of Alabama baby, this is what we fucking do.  

What is Turnkey Sports and Why Do They Make Big Decisions In College Football?

USC recently announced that they have hired Turnkey Search to aid in the hunt for their next Athletic Director. What exactly does that mean for USC? Well one of the reasons for hiring a private firm to do your job for you is the anonymity and the ability to keep things on the low low. Is it possible the connection for Turnkey is to not only look for a new AD, but to get the ball rolling on replacing Clay Helton after his 4-3 start? Who knows? But where the fuck do these people get off making these big decisions for big schools? 

Turnkey's headquarters is located in Haddonfield, NJ. I've lived in New Jersey my whole life and I have no clue where that is. Yet, "small-town" Turnkey has been involved with the hiring of LSU's Ed Orgeron,  Temple's head coach, and Minnesota's, Tennessee's, Michigan's and Alabama's Athletic Director. Oh and Ole Miss' head coach cause obviously they couldn't be trusted since the last guy they hired loved calling hookers on his school-administered phone. What makes these guys so special? This guy:

Gene Defillipo. The de facto President of the newly forming Shadow Government of college football. Gene's official title is Managing Director of the Intercollegiate Division of Turnkey. He has been an offensive coach for Youngstown and Vanderbilt, Villanova and Boston College's AD, on the Board of Directors for the National Football Foundation, former president of National Association of Collegiate Athletic Directors, and father of John Defillipo (OC for the Jacksonville Jaguars). Gene oversees Turnkey's college involvements from media approach, to sales, and even recruiting. 

So if you see Mean Gene on your campus, buckle up cause heads are rolling. For schools like USC that would be sooner rather than later. 

“Avengers” Alabama Hype Video 2019-2020