Crab Legs Are Back In The Headlines In Alabama

In case you were living under a rock in 2015, Jameis Winston stole crab legs once. He claimed that they were a generous gift from the local Publix but then video footage came out of him snatching the  crab legs off the counter and la-di-da'ing out of the store. The whole state of Alabama responded. Local food stores were selling King Crab Legs with his name on them, the University's cafeterias were giving them out, it was a whole thing. 

I'm not sure how many people know this but Jameis Winston is actually from Birmingham, AL. Rumor has it that the only reason he didn't go to Bama is because Saban wouldn't let him play baseball. So overall, how do crab legs fair for the good people of Alabama? 

The African-American Heat Miser vs Pedophile Glasses. According to this report from Fox these two ruffians broke out in a tong fight while waiting for crab legs in a Huntsville buffet. An off duty cop witnessed the whole altercation saying that both suspects started "fencing" with the buffet tongs. Sometimes the world is too perfect. Picture these two, fighting like crabs, over crabs. Clanging the tongs together trying to intimidate their opponent, striking on every opening. What a fucking scene. Heat Miser was charged with assault for opening up Pedophile Glasses' head. So I guess she won, or lost depending on how you look at it. Moral of the story, Alabamians, stick to BBQ. 

Bob Kraft Should Take A Page Out Of Lane Kiffin's Playbook

I guess it's true what they say, boys DO go to Jupiter to get more stupider. The biggest news from the weekend while I was away on vacation, is that Patriot's owner Robert Kraft likes getting tuggies. Go figure. Amidst the AFC title game timeline, possible human trafficking, and prices on the menu, one thing is getting lost in the shuffle: How the fuck did he get caught? 

So yeah obvious point is that what the hell is he doing going into tuggie spots and not having the tuggie spots come to him? But how did they get his name? The only thing I can think of is that he's paying with a card. If that's the case, i's a rookie mistake and he deserved to be caught lotion-handed. Never leave a money trail. Maybe they could of ran his plate but 1. he had a driver and 2. dude's got so many cars he could claim that anyone could've been taking a stroll to the ol rub tug in his wheels. You wanna know how you never let them get your name? You never give it to them. 

Pull up a chair and prick up your ears for Kiffin's classroom. Most people know by now that Lane goes by "Joey Freshwater" when trying to run his spread offense at campus bars. I know its been said before but it'll never not be funny so I'm gunna bring it up as much as I damn well please. As the story goes a forum was making rounds a couple years back about a girl claiming that Lane approached her friend at a bar as Joey Freshwater in Tuscaloosa trying to woo her and buy her drinks. Said friend called him out on being Lane Kiffin to which he responded "Nah I'm not but I get that a lot." and went on pursuing other co-eds. L-e-g-e-n-d. Lane was confronted about the Freshwater rumors in a presser once and he told the reporter that can't be me cause my alias is Jimmy Chestnut, Joey Freshwater's friend. Fucking hilarious. Just throwing it in everyone's mouth that he rocks aliases. You think Orchids of Asia is ever getting Lane's actual name? No shot

I imagine Lane's been pulled by a callused middle aged asian woman before so here's a list of other possible college football coaches who might have gone bare ass on a leather table: 

5. Jim McElwain. We now know that tuggies are a dime a dozen in Florida. Jim's a horny bastard and will put his winky in or on anything 

 

4. Bobby Petrino. Petrino is no stranger to adultery and lost the Arkansas job from having an affair with a 25 year old that he hired to be his "player development" assistant. The two were exposed after they got in a motorcycle wreck that led to some hilariously gross pictures of Petrino's face. His adulteress even claimed that she once used a $20,000 gift that Petrino sent her to pay for some of her wedding expenses. Bobby ain't scared to pay for it.

3. Bret Bielema. I am staunchly against physiognomy but Bret just looks like a regular at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace. Plus there's no way in hell he didn't already pay for his wife.
 

2. Joe Pa. Cause we all know how much he loved sweeping sex scandals under the rug.

1. Hugh Freeze. "Our program is going to be about certain core values. No. 1 is Faith. It's about the man, Jesus Christ." Hugh actually said that at his opening presser with Liberty when they introduced him as the head coach. He was fired from Ole Miss for dialing at least 12 numbers associated with female escort services on his school issued phone over a 33 month period. That's just his business phone, imagine how many he had on the burner.

Alas, I digress. I see the flaw in my logic with the police report claiming to have video evidence of inside the parlor. To the people who say "bUt If ThEy HaVe ViDeO aNyOnE cOuLd IdEnTiFy RoBeRt KrAfT", I say 1. that parlor must have shitty fucking security to let someone waltz in to place cameras around the joint and 2. that still doesn't explain the no-name dirty perverts who had their names published in the sting. So I'm sticking with my he used his card theory. So Bobby, Mr. Kraft, you're with 6 billion dollars, hire someone to make you an alias if you must.  

All I Know Is Its A Pity Life, Can't Be Simple Again. Or Can It?

The Tennessee Vols had hit Rocky Botttom. They now have back to back losing seasons and really haven't been shit since the Phillip Fulmer era. In Phil's sixteen years as head coach he led Tennessee to one national championship, two SEC championships, seven bowl wins, and eight double digit win seasons. Butch Jones had no double digit win seasons and versus Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Auburn, and LSU went 3-14. Thats how he ended up as Bama's intern thing. So where did the Vols go from there? 

During their search for a new head coach their were rumors of Gruden, Scott Frost, Dan Mullen, and most notoriously Greg Schiano. Heres how the Schiano whispers went:

  

The Volunteers absolutely castrated their AD John Currie who basically had Schiano as a done deal. After campus outcry, an apology from the Chancellor, and even a statement from the White House press secretary, the crybaby fan base got their wash. I mean wish. What do you do to shut up a rowdy fan base? Hire an Alabama assistant of course. 

Jeremy Pruitt first came to Alabama in 2007 as a player development analyst or something like that. He was then promoted to DB coach were he spun out first round talents like Mark Barron, Dre Kirkpatrick, and Dee Milliner. After being named the 2012 Recruiter of the Year by 247Sports he was picked up by FSU as Defensive Coordinator. He won a national championship with FSU then skipped over to Georgia for two years as DC, and then returned to Daddy in 2016 as Alabama's DC to win the 2016 national championship. So he was a little defensive coordinator slut for a couple years. Always the bridesmaid but never the bride, until 2018 when Tennessee announced him as their new head coach. 

So how did Tennessee fair with their new head coach? No so great. They finished 5-7 on the year. However, Pruitt showed some serious progress with a team of guys that weren't his recruits. Vols defeated a good Kentucky Wildcats team that finished the year ranked 12th overall in the AP Poll. And more importantly Pruitt led the Vols to their first SEC West win since 2010 vs Auburn at Jordan-Hare Stadium. 

Here's what Mel Kiper had to say on Good Ole Rocky Top's class this year, "Jeremy Pruitt, the recruiting class coming in this year, is outstanding. The recruits that are coming in are going to get back to Tennessee having a lot of early-round picks." So even though Finebaum guaranteed they wouldn't win a title in his life time the Vols are on the come up. Imagine Paul just died if they went to the Rose Bowl. Anyway, last year 247Sports had Tennessee's recruiting class ranked as 21st overall. This year they're 12th. So strap up your overalls Tennessee cause you got a Bama man at the helm now. 

p.s. Tennessee will always be low down, dirty snitches. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mor3ZBsKINI

Cornhusker's Revenge Porn Is Going Get Him F'd In The Corn Hole

Scott Frost is off to a not so good start in the 2019 season. His star recruit from last year, Maurice Washington, is being charged with a felony. A top three bad felony charge, child pornography. Washington was Nebraska's number one recruit last year and ranked 93rd overall in the country. Maurice had 455 rushing yards and 4 touchdowns this past season and was poised to be the centerpiece of the Cornhuskers offense. That was until he decided to be a centerpiece of shit. 

Now the case is still in the legal process but here is what the victim is alleging. Washington's ex girlfriend says that she texted him to congratulate him on his scholarship and that he responded "Remember this hoe", accompanied by a video of her having sex with two males. Under California's Penal code PEN 647 (j)(4) , where the offender sends explicit images or videos with the intent to cause harm or distress to the person is liable up to six months in jail and $1,000 fine. Not good. To make matters worse the victim is claiming that the sexual acts conducted were not consensual and that Washington sent her her own rape video. Super not good. Now you might be wondering why Washington should care about some California law if he was clearly recruited out of Texas? Well he met the victim when he dated her freshman year of high school in Californina before moving to Texas, and held on to the video since then. The video is from when the victim was 15 landing the child pornography distribution, strike three pal. So to recap Maurice Washington sent revenge porn to his ex of her getting allegedly raped while being underage. I read a pro-Nebraska blog on this that was actually titled 'Should Scott Frost Suspend Maurice Washington.' Suspension is the least of his worries dummy. 

Scott Forst is now most likely without his previous number one recruit coming up off of a disappointing 4-8 debut season. His starting running back in 2018 graduated, his other freshman left the program, and the next leading rusher only had sixteen carries last season. What will Scoot Frost do with Maurice Washington? He has a chance to be a white knight but maybe he should've stayed a golden one. 

George Jewett, The First African-Amercian College Football Player

In the spirit of February, this is George Jewett. George was the son of a prominent blacksmith in Ann Arbor Michigan. He spoke four languages, was the valedictorian of his Ann Arbor High School, studied medicine at Michigan and Northwestern, and broke the color barrier for major programs of college football. 

Jewett started his college career when Jim Crow laws were still governing, segregating the country into black and white. George first landed his spot on Michigan's roster in 1890, seventy-four years before the Civil Rights Act. Once in a game vs Albion, the team and crowd were trying to bait Jewett into penalty that would get him kicked out of the game. When George didn't respond the crowd began to chant "Kill the n-word!". A fight broke out, fans charged the field, and the whole place was on brink of a race riot until local police intervened and deescalated the situation. George decided to remain in the game, played both sides of the ball and shutout Albion 16-0. 

George Jewett went on to also be the first African-American to play for Northwestern. Michigan informed him that he couldn't continue both med school and play football simultaneously. George graduated with a medical degree from Northwestern, and led Michigan in scoring, rushing, and kicking(!) during his career as a Wolverine. George Jewett, hero of the game and one bad motherfucker. 

College Polls Are Like A Good Hookup, But FPI Is Porn

ESPN has released it's first preseason Football Power Index (FPI) and theres a lot to get excited about. Here are the headlines, SEC makes up ten of the top twenty teams, Clemson beats out Bama for the number one spot, Ohio State was left out of the Top 10, Texas didn't make the Top 25, and recent national champions, UCF Knights, are ranked 37th. Now what the fuck is the Football Power Index? 

Before we get to FPI we need to speak on it's counterpart, the College Football Playoffs committee. The committee is made up of experts in the field who decide who should go to the playoffs based on strength of schedule, data given to them by SportsSource Analytics, and most important the human element or the eye test. Strength of schedule, who have you played and are they good? Data analysis, here's what the numbers say. Human element, when you physically watch them how do they look? Imagine the CFP polls as a girl deciding if she wants to hook up with you at the bar. Strength of schedule: does it look like other women want to get with you, and how do they look? Data analysis, how many likes are you getting on your Instagram posts? The Human element, do you look good? Did you impress her maybe by buying her a drink, being funny, or maybe you're a Travolta in the boom boom room. Human decisions. 

The FPI is a series of simulations based on computer inputs to compute probabilities of an outcome. Kind of like Dr. Strange in Infinity War.

   

FPI preseason takes most into account the team's last four seasons with an emphasis on the previous year, how many starters are returning with an emphasis on quarterback, is the coach returning, upcoming strength of schedule, and then a minor reflection on the last four recruiting classes. FPI is more like porn. It takes into account things that you can't express in a hookup. Like maybe you're into lesbians, or asians with an emphasis on anal, or MILFs with an emphasis on bit tits. Strength of schedule? Thats just search history baby. 

Point being, its fine to find the FPI exciting, but one is a fucking computer and the other is the real deal. 

NCAAF Free Agency

Ready or not, free agency in college football is here. High profile players Shea Patterson and Justin Fields have transferred in the last two offseasons without any of the normal repercussions, like having to sit out a year. This is raising eyebrows in the college world. Players seem to love it, coaches seem to hate it, and the NCCA seems like they don't know what the fuck they're going to do. 

First let's address the transfer portal. So hot right now. It used to be that if a player wanted to transfer they would have to ask their school for permission who could then fuck them and deny their request. With the new portal, players only need to notify their school of their decision to leave. They then go up into the transfer cloud to be downloaded on to potential suitors. If you're a grad student, not to worry you don't have to sit out a year. If you're an undergrad then you lose a season and watch your new team from the sidelines. Well thats whats supposed to happen anyway. The language of the rule of immediate eligibility states that if exigent circumstances arise that impact the "the health, safety, and well-being" of the player, than they are free to play wherever they choose the following year. Well that's a bit fuckin ambiguous, ain't it? Health and safety, sure I completely understand, but what the hell does well-being mean. If they have the chance to play elsewhere isn't that better for their well-being? If they're sad because they don't start is that negatively impacting their well-being? Who knows. But the result of this is that the NCAA has waived 79% of their immediate eligibility cases! 79%!

The players side: Players have concerns of their short window to showcase themselves for the NFL. They believe that if they can play elsewhere for a school that wants them and that gives them their best opportunity at their dream to play in the NFL then what right does anybody have to stop them? The trend in FCS right now is to start players young. So if you aren't getting significant time by your sophmore year, shouldn't you have the chance to prove yourself somewhere else? Makes total sense. Coaches are constantly leaving to further their careers why should the players be stunted? The NCAA is a business, it just doesn't let it's players make business moves. 

The coaches side: The coaches have a whole list of reasons. The bullshit reason is that they're concerned about the low graduation rates for players who transfer. The real reason is that the coaches have to completely change the way they manage their teams. One, they won't know who is going to be on their roster come recruiting time. Two, if they can only give out 25 scholarships how can they offer somebody in the portal if they give out all their scholarships to recruits. Three, are you going to start screwing the high school players by only using your scholarships on recruiting players in the portal who you know can handle the collegiate workload. Four, what is stopping a player from transferring every year to a different school just for the fuck of it. Lastly, five, so many coaches are worried about the impact on what this will do for the young men in their program going forward. They feel their players want to live in a world of instant gratification. If something isn't working out, instead of competing and working harder they see it as guys just throwing in the towel. The coaches want to be able to do their job and develop the player over time. Just this year alone for instance Alabama didn't start Irv Smith Jr or Deionte Thompson until their junior year. Thompson was a Consensus All-American and a projected first round pick. Irv was Second Team All-SEC and might sneak into the first round of the draft. What would've happened if they left for another program? 

My side: The problem is that these weren't kids born in the Jordan or Kobe era but rather the Kevin Durant era. What's stopping superstar athletes on mid-level teams from jumping on a guaranteed playoff team. Can't beat em, transfer to em. What if Joey Bosa was pissed two seasons ago that Ohio State didn't make the playoffs and said fuck it I'm going to Bama next year. Where does it end? 

The only person talking sense in all of this is Northwestern Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald proposed that if players transfer that they do sit out for a season. The catch being, if they graduate, the player regains one more year of eligibility. Leave it up to the smart school. Of course he says that. A degree from Northwestern goes a lot further than one from Mizzou. They're a long way away from perfecting this but I think Pat's the closest one to cracking it. 

To transfer or not to transfer, that is the question.