I’m 28 years old which is kinda gross. My clock to start a family and pass on my shitty genes is ticking. I’m aware of this because my mother reminds me every Tuesday when I go to her house for dinner.
If my calcaulations are correct, I’m clocking out at 48 from a heart attack. If I start dating this year, figure three years of dating, engaged at 31. Two years to plan the wedding, have our announcement party, have her bachelorette party, my bachelor party, and our engagement party, now we’re looking at 33. We’re still young enough that we convince ourselves to travel for a year before we start a family. At 34 we start “trying”. I don’t really know what “trying” is, two of my buddies in high school weren’t trying and have kids like half their age now. So let’s say trying takes three months (?), add the nine months of pregnancy and I’m 35 when I have my first child. That means I have thirteen years, ten solid ones, to part some wisdom on my son/daughter before tragedy strikes and he/she is left with their poor widowed mother.
So to put this master plan into action, I go shopping at the popular stops. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, you know the deal. You would think with my looks, outlook on health, and overall demeanor towards life, that I’d be a little less particular when it comes to swiping right. But I’m easily bothered. I have certain words and phrases that immediately eliminate from my future widow sweepstakes.
-Saying you’re any kind of coach that isn’t sports, i.e. fitness or life. Too much optimism. I need a fellow wallower, not someone who’s going to judge me for eating Chinese at the end of my bed while I watch HBO Max.
-Wanderlust. Congratulations you learned a word. Oh you like traveling? Welcome to being every person who’s ever lived. You’re not sneaky, we’ve all seen that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie.
-Introvert. Have you ever heard someone call themselves an introvert out loud? Of course not, that would be contradictory. I feel like having a dating profile eliminates you from actually being an introvert. And don’t even get me started on the introverted extrovert crowd. Puke.
-“I’m an upfront person.” This is an actual phrase people proudly use to describe themselves. Imagine bragging about that? Might as well just write “I’m a piece of shit.”
-Any political affiliation. Bet you’re a real hoot at parties. If this is a vital piece of describing yourself, I want nothing to do with you. Are there really people out there that are attracted to who you voted for?
-420 friendly. For anyone above the age of 21 this is unacceptable. Especially now that it’s legal in Jersey. That’s like writing “I drink alcohol”. Sick brag, skill L’s dude. Plus if you have a picture of you wearing one of those rug sweatshirt things I’m automatically going to assume you smell like everything bagels.
-Sapiosexual. You’re a liar is what you are. Like you would just fuck the shit out of Stephen Hawking? You mean to tell me that the hottest person you ever seen approaches you, you’re checking their SAT scores? Get out of my face.
Where is your shame? Write a cheeky line and get it over with. There’s probably a small percentage of users actually reading these things anyway. I do because it’s the modern day people watching. But what do I know? It’s not like I’m making waves in the online dating world.
-Wanderlust. Congratulations you learned a word. Oh you like traveling? Welcome to being every person who’s ever lived. You’re not sneaky, we’ve all seen that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie.
-Introvert. Have you ever heard someone call themselves an introvert out loud? Of course not, that would be contradictory. I feel like having a dating profile eliminates you from actually being an introvert. And don’t even get me started on the introverted extrovert crowd. Puke.
-“I’m an upfront person.” This is an actual phrase people proudly use to describe themselves. Imagine bragging about that? Might as well just write “I’m a piece of shit.”
-Any political affiliation. Bet you’re a real hoot at parties. If this is a vital piece of describing yourself, I want nothing to do with you. Are there really people out there that are attracted to who you voted for?
-420 friendly. For anyone above the age of 21 this is unacceptable. Especially now that it’s legal in Jersey. That’s like writing “I drink alcohol”. Sick brag, skill L’s dude. Plus if you have a picture of you wearing one of those rug sweatshirt things I’m automatically going to assume you smell like everything bagels.
-Sapiosexual. You’re a liar is what you are. Like you would just fuck the shit out of Stephen Hawking? You mean to tell me that the hottest person you ever seen approaches you, you’re checking their SAT scores? Get out of my face.
Where is your shame? Write a cheeky line and get it over with. There’s probably a small percentage of users actually reading these things anyway. I do because it’s the modern day people watching. But what do I know? It’s not like I’m making waves in the online dating world.
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