Everyone has been murdering screen time while being locked inside their homes. My biggest culprit, Twitter. With all this time to kill, I am carefully reading each tweet individually. Tweets that are normally scrolled right over are now coming under heavy scrutiny from yours truly. It's crazy because I didn't even realize they were there. It's like driving past that abandoned building in your hometown. Your brain doesn't even register it, you've just accepted it as part of the backdrop. You don't know how long it's been there or what it's function even used to be. Well not anymore.
The angry jock. The angry jock is just your classic movie stereotype. His varsity peak has led him to drink too much, but instead of yelling at people in local watering holes, he terrorizes twitter. Since he was the starting shortstop he automatically knows more than every professional journalist out there. And trust me, he let's ESPN hear it. Close the yearbook, old buddy.
The girl you had a crush on. This one plucks at the ol heart strings. Maybe she was your lab partner, maybe she giggled at your jokes, maybe she was that girl from that Bowling for Soup song. Most guys have that one girl in high school that they'd leave their current girlfriend for if given the chance. I'm glad I discovered this one, I'm not above throwing a couple favorites out there to see if I still have a shot.
The DJ. Maybe it's our fault. You were invited to party with every single friend group. Not because you were friends with them, but because nobody wanted to leave their phone unattended plugged into the speaker. I have no opinion on how I feel when that new beat you made drops, please stop asking me. Thank you for dming me when my Nan died, but it was completely inappropriate to ask me who was DJing the repass. Even if you really were going to give me that discount.
The stoner. Keep doing you, man.
The pyramid schemer. I hate you. Don't blame me for you buying all that shampoo. I don't care how pretty you think my girlfriend or sister is, I'm not giving you their phone number. Keep trying, I can do this all day. I will leave you on read for the rest of eternity.
The dude who still overly supports the athletic program. I know it was fun painting our faces for a football game when we were seventeen, but it's over now. You majored in Criminal Justice, why are you acting like you're being groomed for the next Athletic Director opening? Plus some of those highschoolers' stats that you're drooling over is some of our friend's baby siblings. You're freaking us out.
The heroine addict. Yikes. You know, I thought something was up when you asked me to meet you in the Taco Bell parking lot even though we were never really friends. I know you said you only wanted a crunchwrap supreme but your innuendos were suggesting a lot more. I'm honestly glad to see that you're recovered now, but we're all getting sick of the poetry posts.
The class clown who's real serious now. It's not my fault that you tried too many drugs in college, stop depressing me. I know you're 'woke' now but you don't have to believe every single conspiracy theory ever made. You used to make moaning noises when the Business teacher's back was turned, you don't get to play Chicken Little with the economy now. Make me a bicycle clown.
The wannabe Barstool Blogger. Give it a rest man, you're embarrassing yourself.
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