Tinder Translations From An Aging Millenial

It's 2020 which means that I'm turning 28 this year. My clock to start a family and pass on my shitty genes is ticking. I know this because my mother reminds me every Tuesday when I go to her house for dinner. So if my calculations are correct, I'm going to die of a heart attack at 47. If I meet a girl this year, we date for three years until I propose, that's 31. It takes two years to plan the wedding, have our announcement party, have her bachelorette party, my bachelor party, and our engagement party now we're at 33. After the wedding, I'm still pulling out because we convince ourselves we're still young enough to travel for a year until we start a family. At age 34 we start "trying". I don't really know what "trying" means, three of my buddies from high school were actively not "trying" and have kids like half their age now. So lets say trying takes three months (?), add the 9 months of pregnancy and I'm 35 when I have my first child. That means I have 12 years, 10 solid ones, to part some real wisdom onto my child before tragedy strikes and he/she is left with their ditzy single mother. "Intelligent" women don't find me "attractive". 

Clock is ticking. 

Where do I go shopping? Tinder. I've had a couple matches strike my tinder but no real flames have really ignited. My bio is genius, it says Carpe DM's. It shows I'm equally hilarious and intelligent in one swift bio. My counterparts haven't had as witty bios as myself. Some of them made me really laugh. Life being the way it is, none of those profiles matched with me. So it goes. Most bios say little, but a lot can still be translated little to work with. Here's what I've found: 

-Saying you're a "wanderlust" doesn't make you a smart person. That isn't the first time we've heard that word. We all saw that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie. 

-Saying your an "upfront person" just means your a cunt. It's ok to be an upfront person but if you're bragging to strangers online about it then odds are you already know. Some people, men and women, like being cunts which I can respect, I just can't leave my unborn children with them. 

-If you say you're "nerdy" only because you watched Game of Thrones, fuck you. 

-If at any point you mention that your bi-sexual you cease to be a bio and immediately become an advertisement for a threesome. 

-If you're 27+ wearing one of those rug sweatshirts and the only thing you have is "4/20 friendly" it's fair for me to assume that you smell like everything bagels. 

-I don't know who needs to hear this but for the girls with a jiggly Boomerang, you are appreciated.

 -If you have a picture with your child with the caption something along the lines of "My son/daughter is my life and no one will ever come between that." I'm here to tell you, you're good. Most people are on here to fuck someone in the back of a Wendy's parking lot, not to look for a mother and child to separate. 

-To the whole "never check this, add my instagram and message me there" population, the gig is up we know your tricks. No free clout. 

-Stop telling me you can out drink me. You can't. This shit is in my DNA and I will gladly get kicked out of a bar on a first date to prove you wrong. 

-You aren't "Just here for the dogs" you're all looking to get dicked down just like we're all looking for a closet to put the ol' womb broom in. 

-Why can I prefer brunettes over blondes with no issue but when I say I'd rather a vagina over your tucked willy all of a sudden I'm transphobic?  

-If you have a picture of just your ass in a thong, no face or nothin with the caption "no hookups", thank you, but no one believes you now. 

-If your picture is just a black screen with no bio I think you're probably a crazy chick who's looking for her cheating boyfriend. Which is hilarious, keep doing your thing. 

-If you have "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" you have 0 internet awareness and get a one way swipe to Leftland. 

- I won't read past "unpopular opinion".  

-Lastly, if your bio reads "I want to fuck your life up. My go to karaoke song is Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow and I like to cook in the nude." Caroline, please swipe right.

The clock is ticking. Enjoy the decade because by the next one we'll all be in our thirties....or worse. Please keep my children in your prayers, namaste.  

p.s. I'm sort of sorry that I used the c word but even more sorry that I used so many of these "".  

Clemson Vs Alabama 2022 Preview

For the first and certainly not the last time, DJ Uiaglelei and Bryce Young faced off this weekend in California. The showdown ended with Bama's recruit beating out Clemoson's 38-24.  DJ Uiaglelei, the Clemson commit, is 247 Sports' QB1 and #3 overall recruit. DJ is flanked by two other top recruits from 247 composite, Ohio St linebacker commit Kourt Williams and UCLA wr commit Logan Loya. Uiaglelei looked poised and unbothered by Mater Dei's constant pressure. While being blitzed he had one of the best plays of the game; dancing around the pocket shaking one defender, and then throwing a fifty yard touchdown with another rusher in his face. DJ Uiaglelei finished 19/31 for 312 yards, two throwing touchdowns and one rushing. He looked good, I won't lie. 

https://twitter.com/prepzone/status/1187963214522249217?s=20

BUT my God, Bryce Young. I don't think I've ever been this excited for an Alabama recruit. Bryce came into this game, ranked as the lesser quarterback, ranked the lesser team, and balled the fuck out. The future Bama Heisman finished with 250 throwing yards, 75 rushing yards, 3 throwing touchdowns, and two rushing touchdowns. Bryce has such a quick release on his throw but shows maturity in the pocket squaring his shoulders on each throw. If the pocket collapses, oh well, time to get your ankles snatched. The first drive Mater Dei had ended on a 51 yard touchdown and Bryce really didn't take his foot of the gas from there. In my biased opinion, the play of the game came in the 3rd quarter on his second touchdown to Epps. Extending the play, running out of the pocket, placing the ball perfectly in the back corner of the end zone where only his receiver could get it. Looking like a young Russell Wilson out there. I'm not taking any Kyler Murray comparisons because I don't like him. 

You can find the touchdown here: 

https://twitter.com/prepzone/status/1187954530551390209?s=20

I love what Tua has started. It's like he reminded the world that Alabama is also looking for top quarterback recruits. Alabama has opened pandora's quarterbox and Bryce Young is the next one to hop out. Put everybody on notice. I fully expect him to start next year as a true freshman following Tua's departure. Bryce slaps Trevor Lawrence on the ass and sends him on his way to the NFL with a loss in 2021. 2022 we get our first rematch between DJ Uiaglelei and Bryce Young. Book it.

Has PJ Lost His Flecking Mind?

"I said on TV I really hope College GameDay looks at our twin city, our university, truly to bring GameDay here. We have four million people that live in the twin city area. We are the only division one school in the state of Minnesota. Everybody here is Gophers. We have never hosted College Gameday."

I won't blame him for trying, but PJ can seriously fuck off. It's a valiant effort. His argument is basically that Gameday can do LSU vs Bama any year and who knows the next time Minnesota will be able to host GameDay. I don't know what to tell you PJ, be better. 

We're televising big boy football here Peej. What makes you think you will put on a better show than the #1 vs #2 team? Let's look at the facts here. Minnesota hasn't proven itself as a contending program in years. As for your 8-0 start this year, there was 0 ranked opponents. Penn St has a ranked win vs Michigan under their belt. Their defense is so so serious, giving up multiple touchdowns in only one game this season. The second they come into town, you guys will spot your shadows and run back into your little hole. Gophers and groundhogs are the same thing and you won't tell me otherwise. PJ's boys beat an abysmal Georgia Southern team by 3 points! THREE! The same Georgia Southern that the LSU Tigers beat 55-3. Tell me again how you'll put a better product on that field. 

I don't give a shit if four million people live in the twin cities. I wouldn't care if twenty million lived there, you will not pack the campus like Tuscaloosa vs LSU. Bryant-Denny Stadium holds more than double the amount of fans than the Gophers' stadium. I mean for fucks sake it holds 35,166 more fans than the Vikings stadium. Don't care how many people live there, don't care how many division one schools the state has, you will not have more people than us. This is what we live for. Everybody in Minnesota is Gophers? Wrong. They are also Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, and Wild. We're talking college football in state of Alabama baby, this is what we fucking do.  

What is Turnkey Sports and Why Do They Make Big Decisions In College Football?

USC recently announced that they have hired Turnkey Search to aid in the hunt for their next Athletic Director. What exactly does that mean for USC? Well one of the reasons for hiring a private firm to do your job for you is the anonymity and the ability to keep things on the low low. Is it possible the connection for Turnkey is to not only look for a new AD, but to get the ball rolling on replacing Clay Helton after his 4-3 start? Who knows? But where the fuck do these people get off making these big decisions for big schools? 

Turnkey's headquarters is located in Haddonfield, NJ. I've lived in New Jersey my whole life and I have no clue where that is. Yet, "small-town" Turnkey has been involved with the hiring of LSU's Ed Orgeron,  Temple's head coach, and Minnesota's, Tennessee's, Michigan's and Alabama's Athletic Director. Oh and Ole Miss' head coach cause obviously they couldn't be trusted since the last guy they hired loved calling hookers on his school-administered phone. What makes these guys so special? This guy:

Gene Defillipo. The de facto President of the newly forming Shadow Government of college football. Gene's official title is Managing Director of the Intercollegiate Division of Turnkey. He has been an offensive coach for Youngstown and Vanderbilt, Villanova and Boston College's AD, on the Board of Directors for the National Football Foundation, former president of National Association of Collegiate Athletic Directors, and father of John Defillipo (OC for the Jacksonville Jaguars). Gene oversees Turnkey's college involvements from media approach, to sales, and even recruiting. 

So if you see Mean Gene on your campus, buckle up cause heads are rolling. For schools like USC that would be sooner rather than later. 

“Avengers” Alabama Hype Video 2019-2020

Katfish Kliff

Katfish Kliff Kingsb....nevermind. Not calling him that. Not today, Satan. Kliff Kingsbury went on to AJ Hawk's podcast, The Hawkcast (nice), and admitted to catfishing former players while he was the head coach at Texas Tech. 

"We have fake accounts with cute girls that they add right now so we can see what's going on, who's tweeting what. Those are heavily monitored for sure." You know, for looking like such a "bro" Kliff sounds like he loves breaking the bro code. People don't swap the first two letters of their names (ex: Pave Dortnoy) on their Facebooks just to go and get catfished by their coaches? That's bush league. The poor player. What happens if the young man falls in love with your fake account? Huh Kliff? That's how players get distracted. That's how people get Te'o'd. 

The worst part about this whole thing is that Kliff admitted to saving the funniest DMs to give a presentation on them to the whole team. That should be an NCAA violation. No, fuck that, it should be a federal crime. There's no universe in which a coach should present your private DMs to the boys for them to roast you. I can still think up drunk texts and DMs from years ago and cringe about it alone in my bedroom. Imagine seeing a shakespearean text sent you on a big screen and looking around the film room to see all your buddies crying laughing? Knowing that one day they'll quote your private DMs to your face when you least expect it. Picture being out at the bar and trying to court a young lady when all of a sudden your teammate walks up and says "Oh are you trying to [insert DM quote here]". Nightmare fuel. No wonder Kingsbury went 35-40 in his career.  

In Response To JackMac's Osama Bin Dabo Blog

Is Alabama America's team? Has to be. If Dabo Swinney has proclaimed himself Osama, then his biggest enemy (Alabama) must be America. Did fake nice guy Dabo compare himself to the man who was responsible for 3,000 American lives? Yup. Is Dabo so stupid that he didn't realize that Dabo Bin Laden has a better ring to it than Osama Bin Dabo? Double yup, right in front of his face.

Subsequently, the Crimson Tide have already been compared to post 9/11 America by none other than Nick Saban himself. Following a 2007 loss to a 5-6 Louisiana-Monroe Nick Saban said that his team needs to bounce back like America did following the catastrophic attacks of 9/11. Was it a bit drastic of a comment? Maybe, but Iron Bowl was the following week and we just lost to ULM 21-14.

I officially declare this season's mission of Alabama Football as ZeroDark30. Time to take out Dabo Bin Laden once and for all.    



p.s. I don't know dick about politics but I do know those people not passing the law helping 9/11 victims bill or whatever it is fucked up the second they let Jon Stewart walk through those doors. Fuck those politic people, do the right thing.