Pete Alonso Is A Goober

I don’t know if it’s Mets fans’ unrealistic view on Alonso. I had a friend bet me $200 he’d have 200 home runs before he’s 28. He turns 28 in December he’s at 109. Or if it’s that every time Alonso opens his mouth it seems so unnatural and forced. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is but I can’t fucking stand the guy. 

I don’t know Pete Alonso personally. But also, yes I do. I know exactly who he is. 

Pete Alonso wasn’t one of the “popular kids” in high school. But he desperately wanted to be. He was most likely the king of the nerdy kids who worshipped him as a god but he in turn took them for granted. He would drop his actual friends in a heartbeat if any of the cool kids gave him the time of day. Because he was on the baseball team, he’d occasionally get invited to parties but would come in way too hot. Pete’s jokes would be way over the top and everyone would look at him like “Wtf your problem dude.” He’d turn beat red and spend the rest of the night in a corner singing rap lyrics too loudly. When his dorky friends asked him what the party was like he’d lie and tell them he fingered the head cheerleader. 

With his newfound fame and money, Pete Alonso thinks he’s the popular kid he always obsessed over. So every time he opens his suck, he tries to act like what he thinks cool jocks are supposed to be like. 

Don’t believe me? Here’s what he said following the benches clearing brawl with the Cardinals Wednesday night: 

“I’m a big, strong guy. If I wanted to put someone in the hospital, I easily could, but I was just out there trying to protect my guys.” 

The prosecution rests, your honor. 

Pete Alonso still thinks it’s cool as a grown man to tell people “Yo I could’ve fucked you up if I wanted to. I wasn’t even trying.” That’s middle school behavior. Mind you, this quote was in response to Alonso getting rag dolled by 49 year old Cardinals’ first base coach Stubby Clapp. Stubby Clapp? Cmon, he never stood a chance. 

I love to hate Pete Alonso. He makes it so easy. I can’t wait to collect my $200. And I can’t wait for the next brawl Alonso gets in. He’s either going to overcompensate and fuck someone up so badly that he’ll once again find everyone staring at him like, “Wtf is your problem dude.” Or someone’s going to give him a wedgie. Either way I win.