Did Everyone Know Elon’s Musk Dad Is A Psycho?

Every good supervillain needs a realistic backstory to explain their behavior. Ever since the Christopher Nolan Batman triology anyway. Whether you love Elon Musk or hate him, being the richest man in the world automatically qualifies him as a supervillain. Sorry, dems da rules. Elon’s estragned father Errol, however, makes Elon look like a boy scout. 

Errol was reportedly a multimillionaire himself before turning thirty years old. According to Elon, Errol was the youngest person to ever have a professional engineer’s qualification in South Africa. He also was a pilot, a sailor, a politician against the apartheid, and a property developer. He was also rumored to own an emerald mine but that has since been refuted by Elon himself. But IQ and money wasn’t the only thing Errol shared with his son. They also have the same knack for impregnating women, having seven children of his own. 

In a Rolling Stone interview, a teary eyed Elon told the interviewer, “He was such a terrible human being. You have no idea. My dad will have a carefully thought-out plan of evil. He will plan evil… Almost every crime you can think of, he has done. Almost every evil thing you could possibly think of, he has done.” So what drove the father and son apart? 

Was it that Errol killed three people in their house? Oh yeah, shot the shit out of them. Very dead. It’s alleged that the incident happened in the presence of the Musk children too. But nope, that wasn’t it. Elon claimed that the shooting was done in self defense against armed men who broke into their home. 

It’s never been said explicitly what happened between Elon and Errol for them to no longer be in each other’s lives. But I have a good guess. Errol knocked up his step-daughter, twice. 

After divorcing Elon’s mother Maye Haldeman, Errol married Heide Bezuidenhout. Heide had two children of her own and added two more with Errol. Her daughter Jana, Errol’s stepdaughter, just had her second child by Musk patriarch. Jana was only four years old when her mother married Errol. Errol has justified his actions stating that Jana didn’t grow up in his household. But I think we can all agree that he’s a creepy pervert. Dirty old man. 

Although it’s weird for everyone in the Musk family, imagine how Asha and Alexandra Musk feel. Their half-sister Jana, has two children with their father. Which means their nephews are also their half-brothers. Heebie jeebies. 

Errol Musk told the NY Post in an email, “I’ve been accused of being a Gay, a Misogynist, a Paedophile, a Traitor, a Rat, a Shit (quite often), a Bastard (by many women who’s attentions I did not return) and much more. My own (wonderful) mother told me I am ‘ruthless’ and should learn to be more ‘humane’.” 

Holy shit dude, there’s some things you should keep to yourself. Almost feels like you’re bragging about being called some of those things. I have a funny feeling shagging his stepdaughter and poppin three dudes in his house is just the tip of the iceberg. Feel like the conspiracy crowd would have a field day with ol’ Errol. 

Turns out Elon’s greatest accomplishment is actually not turning out to be a lunatic like his father. If trolling on Twitter and a libido like Austin Powers is the worst of it, I’d say he turned out alright. You know being the richest man in the world and all. But I understand now why he’s been trying to fuck off to Mars for the better half of the decade. 

The Best And Worst Raisins

What are raisins? A terrible snack that shows up unexpectedly that nobody wants. Which is ironic, since they’re made from grapes that nobody wants. So their entire existence is filled with neglect and abandonment. Raisins are dried up grapes that have a consistency that’s more slimy than juicy to the touch. The Sun Maid packaging looks like it’s from 1978 because that’s probably the last time somebody opened one of those little boxes. Even though they’re all the worst, there has to be a worst of the worst and best of the worst. So let’s get to it. 

The Worst: 

3. Raisins In Potato Salad

The quickest and most efficient way to get your invite permanently revoked from any BBQ. You’re lucky they don’t throw you in jail. I’m a firm believer that anyone who does this is just trying to get rid of their raisin stock that nobody eats in their home. Pretty much any time I’m eating potato salad I’ve already tied one on. Theres nothing worse than that feeling of eating your mayo-y potatoes and then tasting something sweet thinking “Omg wtf was that.” It camouflages in the mayo so that you didn’t even realize it when you scooped. When you start inspecting it, it looks like a bunch of dead flies in your food. When you find out it’s raisins, you realize you’d rather it was flies.  

2. Raisins In Your Halloween Candy

It’s the end of the night, you’re sweaty, and still in half of your costume. You and your siblings have dumped out your candy bags on the carpet to start wheeling and dealing trades. Then you see that stupid pilgrim lady box smirking at you knowing that she doesn’t belong. What decade do you think it is Gertrude? Why are you giving these out to children? Give me that chalk candy, or Jujubes ready to rip my teeth out from the root, pennies even, if you must. Anything but your raisins. A child’s Halloween bag is not your trash can. 

1. Raisin Children

Maybe the only lifetime contract that humans sign. Even marriage isn’t as final as being a parent. Even if you don’t like it, I imagine you have to grin and bear it. Whether you’re enjoying yourself or not, humans are contractually bound to throw it in everyone’s face on Instagram and Facebook that they’re raising a child. “Georgie had his first solid food today!” No he didn’t, that’s mushy carrot. Nobody cares, I want my friends back. 

The Best: 

3. Raisin Hell With The Boys

What do you get when you have a generation babysat by a TV with Stone Cold Steve Austin on it. You get what you fuckin deserve. Whether it’s boozin all day on golf carts, taking a boat out without knowing how to fish, or striking out at the bars only to throw up in the backyard of an Airbnb, there’s nothing better than collectively throwing caution to the wind. Catch beers twenty yards out, shotgun, and turn those middle fingers front ward. 

2. Raisin Canes 

I don’t know why the south feels the need to gatekeep chicken joints but it’s bullshit. The simplicity of the menu, the unique taste of the sauce, and the charm of a workforce who knows you can’t complain when there’s only one option of the menu, the whole experience - unmatched. If youre eating at Raisin Cane’s you already know whatsup. The only downside is going with a cole slaw snob who argues with you when you sub it out for extra toast. I don’t like cole slaw, get over it.

1. Ruby Roman Raisins

The Ruby Roman of Japan is the most expensive grape in the world. About four times the size of a regular grape, they’re the juiciest in the world. Color, size, and sweetness can have them categorized into three separate grades of Superior, Super Superior, and Premium. There are years where none of the Ruby Romans are blessed with a Premium grade. Given the difficulty to harvest and unparalleled taste, the Ruby Roman is one of the most rare fruits in the world. In 2020 there were only 25k bunches sold. One of those bunches sold at auction for $12,000 making it about $400 per grape. This would be the only raisin worth eating.  

For the record this is no shade at all. I love what John Rich did with his raisin blog and I think he’s hilarious. When I saw it on the wheel I thought fuck that sounds difficult. I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it. 

The Social Contract of Dancing

If you really sit there and think about dancing, it’s a strange concept. How did we as a species even start dancing? My Irish kinfolk have been tip tapping their way across floors for centuries. When the Europeans made their way to the Americas, they found ancient civilizations with their own form of dance. Two tribes so to speak, neither knew of the other’s existence, nothing in common, except they all could boogie. Is it a human instinct? Even babies know to start dancing when their favorite songs come on. Regardless of how or why it started, dancing has taken on a life of its own. 

Whether you’re at a bar, wedding, or trying to prove you can climb down the generational ladder on Tik Tok, dancing is either extremely fun or extremely awkward. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I can cut a fuckin rug. I was at a wedding two weeks ago and people were looking to me to revive that dance floor. After nearly finding the bottom of a bottomless bar, I put on a show. My over the top antics freed others up to feel comfortable doing a two step shuffle and a couple of shoulder shrugs. As the liquor kept flowing, and the crowd on the dance floor grew, we all began putting arms around shoulders, screaming lyrics in each other’s faces, and collectively jumping to beats to try and touch the ceiling. But there’s a camaraderie to weddings. Everyone feels obligated to dance as to not upset the idiot newlyweds who just dropped 70k on their wedding. Weddings are a safe space, but what about dancing when you’re not in one. 

Dancing at a bar takes a specific recipe to pull off. You have to have gone with the right crowd, drank enough alcohol, and be able to convince yourself that if you do this, you’re going to get laid. Girls can really do no wrong on a dance floor. Even if they’re bad dancers, there’s an innocence to it. Guys on the other hand, it can get tragic. 

Take this weekend for example, when I found myself at Green Rock in Hoboken with ten of my buddies. A bar where the only place to stand is the dance floor. You can barely move through the sea of people, as the world sweats on you and shoves you in the back to get to the bathroom. The architect of this place should be in jail. 

My friends and I cornered one section and tried our best not to be awkward. But there’s no easy way to approach a group of female strangers to dance. Unless you’re Ricky Martin, you can’t walk straight up and start wiggling your hips. You’d look like a psychopath? You might actually scare them. One move is to dance by yourself or amongst your group and pray that a girl green lights you by rubbing up on you. But it’s a tough read. If it is an inviting rub up, you’re in the clear. But if she did it on accident because there’s literally no room and you turn around and latch on to this poor stranger, you’re gonna come across as a predator. 

The safest but weirdest way to start dancing with girls is to start singing at your guy friends. You think we enjoy pointing at one another and singing in each other’s faces? It’s an invitation. We’re looking into each other’s eyes thinking about how weird we look and hating one another for forcing ourselves to do this. What we’re trying to do is invite you into the circle without being touchy about it. We’re looking for another group of girls to come sing along with us. If we can get you to sing we can get you to dance. We’ll hype each other up as a collective group with lyrics. Once we sing a couple of songs together and start feeling comfortable, lines will start to form. Once the same girl starts singing at the same guy for long enough, he’ll feel comfortable enough to make a move. Next thing you know, we’re all bumpin and grindin to the newest Drake song. 

Of course that’s best case scenario. A lot of the time we’ll throw the singing bait out there without a single nibble. We’ll keep going until we hate ourselves enough to tuck our tails back to the bar and glue our eyes to a TV. You either put a bet in to get you through the night, or pretend you had action on whatever’s showing, even if it’s badminton. 

At the end of the day, no one wants to be that person being secretly videoed by strangers for going too hard on a dance floor. The key to dancing is to be comfortable in an otherwise uncomfortably vulnerable situation. Luckily there’s PEDs for that, beers and shots. The way I look at it, I’m always making a fool out of myself. At least with I’m dancing I’m having fun doing it.  

Which NFL Head Coach Slid Into This Tik Tokers DMs

Meet lizzydoingstuff, a now former lesbian, Tik Tok extraordinaire, and future trophy wife for a mystery NFL head coach. While lounging out on the beach, Lizzy posted this Tik Tok to her profile claiming that an NFL head coach slid into her DMs. Who could it be? 

An idiot, for starters. If you’re getting ready to risk it all you have to do a little homework. If you’re going to shoot your shot you have to at least give yourself a chance? You watch tape for hours you couldn’t scout a lesbian? You see how short her nails are in all her videos? Why do you think that is? Who fucked up? 

Brandon Staley +650 

I’m sorry Staley I know you’re married but Lizzy’s in San Diego. According to this NFL Connunications list the Chargers are the only team with a camp in San Diego. It could be another California coach, I suppose, but I’m a Rams fan. I’m not throwing rocks at my throne. Besides, after Staley left the Rams in 2021 it’s clear that he’s ready to leave a good thing if he’s promised to be surrounded by young upcoming talent. 

Kliff Kingsbury +150 

Fun fact, Kliff Kingsbury is the only NFL head coach who’s not married. I guess it’s a political thing like the how they prefer the president to be a family man/woman. But McVay’s first trophy wasn’t a wife but a Lombardi. Granted Kingsbury has a Instagram model girlfriend with 3M followers. Why would he go for a Tik Toker with a measly 13.4k? Then again….

Lane Kiffin -110

This is who it was. Poor girl has no idea that Lane is a college coach, not NFL. Got her wires crossed. Is it a coincidence that two of the unsigned Top 150 recruits left are about an hour and a half drive from San Diego? I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in Joey Freshwater.  Lane’s been divorced since 2016 and if even half the stories about him are true, then I wouldn’t put it past him believing he could pull a lesbian that’s 2k miles away.

Ben Franklin Once Wrote A Blog On Why You Should Bang MILFs

American culture is graffiti’d with taking down milfs. Everything from Stiffler’s mom to Mormon quarterbacks for the Jets, from season 3 of Stranger Things to Benjamin Franklin writing a letter to a young man on why choosing milfs over women his own age was the way to go. Since the country is so gung ho on taking the Founding Fathers’ word as gospel, let’s focus on that last one. 

Why did Ben Franklin get his face on the hundred dollar bill anyway? He needed a bigger bill to pay all his hookers. Dude was riddled with STDs and had a platoon of illegitimate children. He had a lineup that could rival Derek Jeter himself. Franklin was rumored to sleep with milfs at a young age, women in their twenties in his twilight years, a mother and daughter, his best friend’s girl, and hundreds of French prozzies. Oh and his wife sometimes. The guy knows his way around around a bedroom. 

So when Ben Franklin writes eight reasons why you should consider older women, you listen. You might learn a thing or two. Here are Ben Franklin’s 8 Reasons Why (to bang milfs not like the Netflix show).

1. “Because they have more knowledge of the world,”

Starting off the rip as more knowledgeable had me thinking he was going a different route. But Franklin is actually speaking more of conversation in this matter. Milfs are better to shoot the shit with.

2. “Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good.” 

Whew. Tricks of the trade as they get older. While it’s doesn’t explicitly state in the bedroom, Franklin says women learn 1000 services as they age to keep their influence over men, so that’s got to be one of them. But bonus points, he says they’re a lot nicer when you’re sick. “…hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.” 

3. “Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.” 

Ben Franklin shootin’ down range! Apparently he sees his weak pull out game as quite the inconvenience. I know he was rich and all, but Ben Franklin would 100% have a child support warrant if he was born in modern times. 

4. “Because through more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion.” 

Loose lips sink ships. Milfs make for better sneaky links. They’re less likely to tell their friends, put you on blast on Instagram, etc. Benny says older women are “safer for your reputation”. He also says if you do get caught, the public perception may be that the milf is kindly taking care of you and preventing you from ruining your health on prostitutes. 

Ben Franklin’s syphilis: 

5. “And as in the dark, all cats are grey,” 

That means exactly what you think it means. Ben Franklin said, “hey, pussy’s pussy.” He also gets into this crazy breakdown of how gravity affects the nether regions last. That first the face will wrinkle, then the neck, then tits and arms, “the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever.” Franklin claims that the floor for sex with milfs is at the very least equal to their younger counterparts, but “frequently superior.” 

6. “Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.” 

Clearly this was meant for when wearing white on your wedding day was a priority. But it’s funny to think that Ben Franklin thinks he’s straight up ruined people with his dick. Can’t ruin something that’s already been ruined by someone else first. 

7. “Because compunction is less.” 

Basically what he’s saying is there’s none of that post nut clarity. Less guilt. It’s clear that Ben Franklin thought that in the end you can only make a woman your own age miserable and filled with resentment. But with milfs, it’s good vibes only. 

8. “And lastly they are so greatful!” 

Hey it takes two to tango. Men aren’t the only ones enjoying themselves when tackling a cougar. It’s the trade off. The young gentleman gets what he’s looking for, and the milf gets someone who can still see his dick, gets it up when the wind blows the right way, and doesn’t get winded after two minutes in the shower. 

So what does this all mean? It means that Zach Wilson banged his Mom’s best friend and he’s not gonna convince me otherwise. Even if he didn’t, he did now. But who has more to lose? Who has more reason to lie? The girl who lost her boyfriend to a cougar? Or the woman with potentially a family of her own? Bingo. I feel like it’s getting lost in the shuffle though that the Jets’ QB had his own girl stolen from him by his best friend. Everyone’s hyping him up but I still think Cuck Wilson and the Jets go 6-11. 

Poor Eddie Lacy Is Still Being Trolled For His Weight On Twitter

Will you ever leave my man alone. Eddie Lacy hasn’t stepped on a football field in five years and he’s still taking ricochets on Twitter about his eating habits. At this point his diet is between him and his cardiologist. Look at this dickhead. 

For fucks sake. No disrespect to the young man in the photo but god damn. Eddie got bigger, but I’m not sure he was ever big. He just had a bad publicist. That picture of him that went viral when he looked like that debunked Bigfoot photo wasn’t great. But it was a TERRIBLE angle. Any bigger fella knows never get caught lacking on a turnaround shot. That side profile makes everything worse. Scrunches everything.

Alright it’s worse than I remember but still. Now that he’s not being paid the gloves are off and Eddie was able to call out @RichAlfanoPGA. “ur shaped more like who that is then i am”. First of all, almost certainly not in the PGA. Secondly, glass houses pal. 

Good hit Eddie, good hit. You tell moobie boy! The peanut gallery started chirping in and resurfaced a tweet of Lacy’s stating, “I just remembered that I’m sitting in class wit a whole grilled snack wrap in my pocket lol”. Ok and? Read it again, GRILLED snack wrap. That’s healthy, find a new slant. Besides, whomst among us can cast the first stone for a little pocket wrap? Thankfully Eddie didn’t take this lying down. 

Yeszir! Scoreboard biotch. Yeah he had Mickey D’s in his pocket but he also had two rings on his fingers. You must’ve forgot. Besides his three college championships, Eddie Lacy also had a Pro bowl appearance, 24 touchdowns, and 2,317 rushing yards in his first two seasons in the NFL. Show some respect. 

It’s my personal theory that the Packers were paying Aaron Rodgers too much money and that Eddie was just the first back to fall victim to their new model. They run guys into the ground on their rookie contracts so that when it’s time to pay them there’s too much tread on the tires. Eddie Lacy/Jamal Williams, Jamal Williams/Aaron Jones, Aaron Jones/AJ Dillon. Eddie was so good in the beginning that the Packers must’ve leaked pictures of him looking fat so they didn’t have to pay him. Still, he doesn’t do himself any favors. 

Eddie looks great right now. Fighting shape even. But you just can’t be wearing a ramen shirt and ramen pants when people blame Chinese food for your demise. China food took everything from you, but you just can’t quit it. Damn it I’ve never related to anything more in my life. 

Japan Creates Law For One Year Prison Stint For Being Mean Online

Look I’m going to be honest, I started writing this before I knew it was in response to a suicide. I already had it written in my head just from seeing this headline. I mean RIP, but I’m different. I know we as Americans have pretty much agreed to stop roasting the Japanese, but they’re kind of asking for it now, no?

Where’s the line? Because making fun of people on the internet is like 70% of the point of it. Does something drastic have to stem from the cyber bullying for you to be cuffed? Or the second you start busting balls is the Japanese government going to start kicking your door in? 

Will there be some online Orwellian police? Think of all the things Japan would have to ban. Call of Duty, comment sections, Reddit, Twitter. Imagine the internet with no roastings? Ugh what’re you gonna do, just share information? 

I guess I can’t ever step foot in Japan. It was a toss up too between there and Iceland for my next trip. I eviscerate people on the internet, I’d have to do a life sentence. I mean, look at all these souls I’ve snatched on Twitter. 

Like the time Gus Malzahn got fired from Auburn

Or when people made the mistake of buying their dream homes

Or when Skip Bayless started doing Tik Tok dances 

Or when I destroyed a random Steelers fan so bad he deleted his Tweet

James Holzhauer’s Jeopardy run

Or Vince Carter’s retirement 

See what I mean? Bodied. Can’t do that in Japan and it’s a damn shame. Apparently there’s no honor in it? Well my collective 39 likes say otherwise. 

Big Brother Preseason Power Rankings Based Only Off Profiles

Three years ago, three of my friends and I decided to start a Big Brother draft before each season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. Last year I correctly predicted the winner before a single episode dropped so I’m basically a genius. Or Sherlock Holmes. At the very least psychic. I have my draft tonight so here are my power rankings. 

16. Daniel Durston, 35, Vegas Performer
First one out is normally someone without a great first impression or someone who stirs the pot too quickly. Daniel has the makings for both. He’s a self-acclaimed loud and obnoxious player who says he does not want to work with loud and obnoxious players. See the issue? He’s 6’3” so the HOH can justify it by claiming he was going to be a physical threat without much blood on their hands. Since he says he’s a theater guy, I reserve the right to rescind this ranking if Daniel is gay because they rock at reality competitions. Nobody wants to come across as the bigot who voted someone out when the only thing they knew about them was their sexual preference. 
15. Terrance Higgins, 47, Bus Operator
Honestly, the fedora would be enough for me to keep him around. As a 47 year old, Terrance is coming across more cocky than I think he should. He claims to be an “alpha male” who wants people to “stick to the plan” and not be comfortable. Looks alone makes me think he’s a chill dude but his profile is claiming otherwise. Terrance is literally a bus driver and the second he’s not the one not behind the wheel of the decisions I think he’ll create too much tension. 
14. Indy Santos, 31, Flight Attendant 
Before I read a single word of her profile I said to myself, “that’s a mean girl.” Her answers did not disappoint. She basically told the interviewer one their questions was a waste of time, is already calling people lazy before meeting them, and was the only one to go the God route. When asked what other contestants might not like about her she said her personality. Her personality! Also hailing from Brazil, she reminds me a lot of Abi from season 25 of Survivor. High potential for this year’s villain and a top notch entertainer. 
13. Alyssa Snider, 24, Marketing Rep
Ya know for a marketing rep she can’t market herself for shit. Easily the most boring profile on the list. I know nothing about her besides she considers herself bubbly. If you can’t impress on the profile you’re not going to impress in the house. 
12. Taylor Hale, 27, Personal Stylist
Taylor said that the best advice she got was to let people assume that she’s dumb. Which sounds to me like she’s grooming us for how dumb she is so she can then claim it was all an act. Taylor says that strategy won’t be her strong suit so I don’t really know what her angle is. She was the only one to bring up the possibility of a showmance, so maybe it’s possible she’ll woo a comp beast into carrying her to the end. 
11. Jasmine Davis, 29, Entrepenaur 
This year’s southern belle of the group hails from Georgia. I believe she’s the third female contestant to describe herself as some variation of “ditzy” which is concerning. Hopefully she can surprise us with her enterpenaur background. I just don’t think she has enough confidence in herself to go far. Jasmine said she hopes to float with the jocks which is normally something people of the show use as an insult. 
10. Matt Turner, 23, Thrift Store Owner
That’s exactly the kind of eccentric look I want my thrift store owner to have. However I’m not sure that Matt is going to work well enough with others to go very far. It could just be his age showing in the questions, and maybe he’ll be more open-minded in the house, but he appears pretty standoffish. He’s the quirky guy, I get it. He doesn’t want to work with the jocks. But when you use the line “your network is your net worth” and state you don’t want to work with the people you believe will hold all the power from the comps, then you’re too hypocritical to adapt. 
9. Paloma Aguilar, 22, Interior DesignerAnother one who didn’t give much info other than that she’s been coached by her psychologist father. Which if that means her lack of intel is gameplay then, kudos. Paloma is the baby of the house which normally translates into a little sister type role. I just don’t know if that’s going to be enough. 
8. Kyle Capener, 29, Unemployed 
At first glance I thought I was going to have Kyle much higher on the list but his profile came off kind of douchey. It was the glasses that fooled me. Unemployed is definitely a red flag if it makes him lazy around the house. On the one hand Kyle said he doesn’t like conflict. In a complete 180, he also said he’ll butt heads with the Type-As, will play hard, thinks people might be upset with his jokes, and hopes to not get into too many fights. At 6’3” he’s got the frame for comps. For his sake he better hope to win early to gain favor before his personality comes out. I put him smack dab in the middle because I wouldn’t be shocked if he wins it all or is the first contestant voted out. 
7. Monte Taylor, 27, Personal Trainer
Monte feels like the guy who will fall victim to the first backstabbing of a power alliance. He’s definitely yoked enough to be a comp beast but I don’t see him being much more than that. When I think trainer I think meathead. He claims he has a mechanical engineering degree but what does that say that he’s not a mechanical engineer? 
6. Ameerah Jones, 31, Content Designer
There’s no other way to say it besides Ameerah has a kind face. I trust that face. But her profile was anything but. Ameerah says she plans on being straightforward whether what she’s saying is nice or mean. Her sugar and spice approach is perfect for Big Brother. The only thing that worries me is her affliction towards people who are “two-timers”. She wants to only work with people who are 100% loyal 100% of the time. Which by the nature of the game, just isn’t plausible. At the end of the day there’s only one winner and you can’t take it personal when people play the game. 
5. Joe “Pooch” Pucciarelli, 24, Assistant CFB 
I’m not going to lie when I first saw Pooch I thought he was going to round out the end of my list. I’ve dealt with too many people from Staten Island to think otherwise. But Joe seems very self aware and even pokes fun at his appearance. Being a college football assistant coach tells me two things. One, he can manage big personalities and two, he’ll probably be a weekly competitor for HOH. If it’s true that he’s a “lackadaisical” and “caring” guy, which has not been my experience, he’ll have a real shot at 500k. 
4. Brittany Hoopes, 32, Hypnotherapist If I was surprised by Pooch, I was blown away by Brittany. There’s something about bangs that make me nervous. Add that she’s a hypnotherapist and a kid’s toy tester, and you get one confused TKJ. But Brittany appears to be a true student of the game. She claims to have a notebook with over forty pages of strategy to try in the Big Brother house. That’s dedication. According to her answers she has a clear plan of hierarchy and likely the brains to pull it off. She’ll need at least one HOH to certify herself as a clear contender but I think she might just pull it off. 
Marvin Achi, 28, Chemical Engineer
Textbook triple threat. Built like a brick shithouse, intellect of a chemical engineer, and answers that made him seem so wholesome. A Momma’s boy with brains and biceps. The only thing that worries me is he might be a little too much like Kyland last year. It’s inevitable that you’re going to break hearts and dreams in Big Brother, and when the “nice guy” starts getting blood on his hands other contestants look at him like he’s unraveling. Hopefully that big smile will convince them otherwise. 
2. Nicole Layog, 41, Personal Chef
Last year Tiffany completely flipped my perception of women 40+ in this game. Nicole is already coming into this game with the advantage of being a personal chef. No one wants to vote out the only reason you’re eatin’ good. But being a good cook is literally her floor. Evaluating her physical appearance she looks like she can hold her own in comps. Samoan maybe? She describes herself as super positive, a fierce competitor, and someone who’s strongly against floaters. And goddamnit I believe her. She’ll feed you delicious meals to make you feel safe and it’ll be too late when you realize it’s been laced with poison the whole time. 
Michael Bruner, 28, Attorney 
Drumroll please. Michael checks every single box. Unsuspecting? Look at that cat shirt. Comp beast? 6’4” frame. Charming? Described himself as having gangly noodle arms. Competitor? Law school and claims he’s intense and focused when there’s something he can win. His job is literally jury management. Michael will know when to ramp it up and when to soothe it out. He’s nerdy yet physical, intelligent yet goofy, kind yet cutthroat. And all his answers were perfect. I don’t doubt that his eyes are on the prize yet he has a team player mentality. Michael says he wants to fight hard for those who will fight hard for him. Given that last year’s winner was also an attorney, I feel good about this number one pick. 
If you feel like you’re too cool for Big Brother (I did), check your ego at the door. It’s dramatic, engaging, has GUTS like competitions from our childhood, and will bring you right up to the football season. Sprinkle in a little gambling like we do for some skin in the game and you’ll be hooked in no time.  

Generic Phrases I Use That Make Me Die Inside

Due to the nature of my career I constantly find myself faking polite conversation. It’s not supposed to be a political job but it very much still is. I have to maintain a certain image. An image, mind you, that I absolutely hate. 

While putting on my fake self- whether it’s at my job, to aunts and uncles at BBQs who pretend like we’re close, or conversations in the grocery store that I tried to avoid- I use these stupid generic phrases that make me sound like a corny old Dad. I swear I’m one “I guess they’ll let anyone in here!” away from getting myself pregnant. Here are some of them. 

“Ehhh what’re ya gonna do.” I know it’s phrased like a question but it’s actually the complete opposite. If somebody answered this with what they were actually going to do I think I’d let out a high pitched scream. What it actually means is I’ve heard your complaint, I don’t care about it, I’m not going to console you and I hope saying this puts an end to it. 

“I’m gettin old, man.” I deploy this either when I’m exhausted or someone comments on my appearance. Like if I have to do manual labor or been drinking all day and I see someone looking at me it just escapes out of my mouth with a sigh. It doubles for when someone hasn’t seen me in a while and they comment on how different I look. A lot of times people will ask me about what my college days were like when they find out I went to a big football school. Then I have to talk about how much I miss it. If I say “I miss it,” about anything at all, it’s automatically followed by an “I’m gettin old, man.” 

“Well, look who it is!” I use this when someone recognizes me but I have no idea who they are. You know when someone’s eyes light up when they see you and you think to yourself, “Oh shit this persons going to talk to me,” this is what you use. These are the jackasses who flatten their hand out to their knee and say “I knew you when you were this big!” Similarly, if I’m trying to figure out their wife’s name I’ll say “Where’s the ol’ ball and chain?” Ughh. 

“Who would’ve thought, right?” This is for the sentimentals who tell me stories about myself that I’ve never heard before. Either from when I was a child or they know something they shouldn’t know about my early twenties. They always finish with a comment about my career or my growing up followed by a “Now look at ya!” 

“Here comes trouble!” God, I hate myself. I use this on people’s pre-teen children and middle aged men who drink too much. I don’t know how to speak to either one of them. For very different reasons, both groups don’t make a lick of sense to me when they speak. I’ve found that calling them “trouble” jacks them up enough that they smile and I can just keep on walking past them. 

My little brother and I are the same exact person. The only difference is I feel the responsibility to fake it and he doesn’t. Whenever he catches me and asks “Why do you do that?” it’s a punch right to the gut. Because I truly don’t know. And every time I do it, I feel a piece of my soul being ripped out.