In her newest spread rumor, Lizzo stated that she’s pregnant with Chris Evans’ baby. To be fair, she was just responding to some dumb dumb’s comment on Tik Tok asking her if she was pregnant and she replied saying she was “having a little America.” The pop star mad a video of her blasting her new single “Rumors”, with messages from Chris Evans saying how happy his mother is going to be. This all comes on the heels of Lizzo exposing recent DMs of her shooting her shot to Captain America.
While it’s a nice marketing straegy for her “Rumors” single dropping mid-August, it’s very clearly not a real rumor. The two have been messing about and flirting in our faces for months. Real rumors are much more fun than that.
My friends are aware, Rule #1 is I lie. I am a massive rumor guy. Making up pointless lies is a lost practice. It’s the stuff of folklore that lives only in 90’s family sitcoms. Well I haven’t forgotten.
There’s a lot of power in rumors. In an age when perception takes precedent over reputation, rumors could do a lot of damage. But I don’t meddle in anything malicious like that. I spread things only slight weird enough to make you question everything you think you knew about a certain person or thing.
Like my debut rumor in high school. I spread one around my high school that one of my friends likes to put mayo on his hot dogs. People were disgusted with him. But the public could still imagine a world where it might be possible. Mayo and hot dogs are a dime a dozen at a BBQ. Maybe it happened by accident the first time and he never looked back. One time at a graduation party, the host asked my friend if he wanted mayo while grilling up some dogs. My buddy replied, “Gross, no?!” I walked over to the host and whispered, “He gets embarrassed because he knows how weird it is.” For year people believed that shit.
I also once started a rumor that my best friend still believed in Santa.
But my most recent one came last weekend at the wake of my co-worker’s grandma. I was coming out while a friend of mine was going in. He hates this sort of stuff and asked me how it was inside. I told him, “Really strange actually, everyone’s kissing the grandma on the forehead. It’s some kind of cultural thing. I felt weird doing it, but literally every person in front of me did it. The family announced it was some sort of tradition and that they would appreciate it if they respected their customs.” After arguing back and forth about being desrespectful, he screamed “I can’t believe this shit!”, and walked in. I was this close to getting him to kiss this dead woman that he had never met before.
You have to be careful though, I’ve spread more rumors than I can track. People will bring something up to me months later and when I ask them where they heard that from they scream “YOU!” Oh, that. Right, sorry, I was lying about that. It’s a dangerous game. But if you enjoy pulling strings, it’s worth the risk.
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