Every Italian meal is the same exact thing repurposed to make you think you’re ordering something new. It’s whatever’s in the kitchen, drowned in marinara sauce. 70% of their meals have marinara sauce, the most overrated sauce going. Pasta, chicken parm, calamari, mozzarella sticks, mussels, eggplant, whatever ya got. Smother it in the same thing so everything tastes somewhat similar. Balotelli nailed it, the Italians have a serious diversity problem.
But what about pasta? Fuck pasta. Anything that I could actually cook in college can’t be that good. Oh you don’t like spaghetti? Try rigatoni, penne, linguine, fusilli, or the bow tie one. It’s the same fucking thing! Changing the shape isn’t going to magically trick me into suddenly enjoying it.
Right now you might be thinking, well maybe you just don’t like marinara. And you’d be right. So let’s go to the number two ranked Italian sauce and have a conversation about it that I’ll just make up:
“Why don’t you order vodka sauce then?”
“It’s just more crushed up tomatoes isn’t it.”
“Yeah pretty much. We just put a little booze in it.”
I bet you think you have me with pizza. Don’t even. Everyone knows in their heart of hearts that pizza isn’t Italian food. Even if it once was, it’s been perverted with oil and toppings and extra cheese to fit our disgusting American pallets to the point of no return. Pizza is just as much Italian food as the corned beef egg rolls I had last night were Chinese food. Not to mention, trigger warning, plain pizza is the worst kind of pizza. Specialty slices are all the rage. Buffalo chicken, chicken bacon ranch, fucking taco slices! Does that sound Italian to you?
The best part of an Italian meal is the bread. Let that sink in. How basic does your food need to be that your biggest selling point is the base of literally every culture’s cuisine? Fucking Moses had access to the best part of your food in the middle of the desert.
By this point there’s probably a lot of sweaty Italian-Americans mispronouncing Italian curses at me. Probably want to attack my hertiage’s food, because like I said, I’m Irish. Go ahead, Irish food isn’t anything to write home about. Yeah I go in on potatoes, but who doesn’t?
My favorite food, Chinese. I love Chinese food so much that my mom tells random strangers that she ate a ton of Chinese food when she was pregnant with me. She has boundary issues. There’s so many options, so many different flavors on a Chinese menu that I just get lost in it. Chinese is so good that mean/ignorant people started rumors that there’s a good chance you’re eating cat and people were still like “yeah I don’t give a shit, I’ll roll the dice”. Italian could never.
The best part of an Italian meal is the bread. Let that sink in. How basic does your food need to be that your biggest selling point is the base of literally every culture’s cuisine? Fucking Moses had access to the best part of your food in the middle of the desert.
By this point there’s probably a lot of sweaty Italian-Americans mispronouncing Italian curses at me. Probably want to attack my hertiage’s food, because like I said, I’m Irish. Go ahead, Irish food isn’t anything to write home about. Yeah I go in on potatoes, but who doesn’t?
My favorite food, Chinese. I love Chinese food so much that my mom tells random strangers that she ate a ton of Chinese food when she was pregnant with me. She has boundary issues. There’s so many options, so many different flavors on a Chinese menu that I just get lost in it. Chinese is so good that mean/ignorant people started rumors that there’s a good chance you’re eating cat and people were still like “yeah I don’t give a shit, I’ll roll the dice”. Italian could never.
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