Things That Shouldn’t Make Me Feel Morally Superior, But Do

It’s easy to be hard on yourself in today’s world. We’ve structured a society based on likes, dislikes, and retweets. There’s a clear path to getting a big head. Every action you take can potentially be globally displayed for the entire world to condemn or applaud. Going viral works both ways. 

I’m not always the best person, I know that. I think mean things are funny and tragedy is best paired with comedy. I occasionally wonder if that’s immoral, and sometimes need reminding that I’m not a bad person. Luckily for me I’m both very persuasive and easily impressionable. Which makes talking to myself a piece of cake. 

Here is a list of five things that make me feel morally superior that probably shouldn’t. In no particular order.

1. Tipping 20% For Takeout

The workers know they don’t deserve it. They don’t do nearly as much service as say a server or bartender. But I being a merciful lord, obliged. When I walk out I stare down everyone in line, judging them for not tipping like I did. Even though I have no idea if they did or not.

2. Asking People If They Want Me To Take A Picture

This is like my corny dad training wheels. If I see a group of people taking a picture I immediately ask the person sacrificing themself as the photographer if they need me to step in. No one has ever said no, it’s too awkward at that point. I get showered in “awww thank you’s.”

3. Wearing A Condom

I walk around like a Knight at the round table when I accept the request to use a condom. I put up no fuss, no argument, no complaints. If that’s what you need m’lady, say no more. I’ll sacrifice two thirds of my pleasure meter and tack it right on to the morality one. 

4. Visiting My Gradparents

I hate myself for this one. But it’s true. I used to be a lot better at visiting my grandparents weekly. With work and stuff it’s been less frequent. But when I do go, I make them laugh, bring them coffee and doughnuts, and break up the mundane cycle of couch, meal, bedtime, couch, meal, bedtime. I have an air about me after spending a measly hour or so there. My mom can feel it when I’ve went. She knows she can’t say shit to me for at least two days. 

5. Letting People Go When I’m Driving

This could be someone looking to cross the road or possibly coming out of a side street before a traffic light. Please, before you. No allow me. Then I wave them on emphatically and put on a cheesy smile. Theres a fine line with this one though. If you don’t wave, acknowledging my kindness, my foot trembles over the gas. It’s never come to anything drastic, but I have screamed “YOU’RE WELCOME DICKHEAD!”

I still have a lot of catching up to do to tip the scales in my favor. Is this enough to get me into heaven? Probably not explicitly, but it’s a tally in the right column.