Okay Ladies, You Have A Legitimate Gripe With The Toilet Seat Being Up

Yanks vs. Sox, David vs. Goliath, women with full bladders vs. men who leave the toilet seat up. Some rivalries transcend generations. Having an older sister forced me into the toilet seat game at a young age. 

“How hard is it to put the seat down?!”

“How hard is it to look to see if it’s up before sitting down?!”

And round and round the merry-go-round we went. I was destined to do this dance forever. Until recently. I fell into the toilet seat yesterday. 

There’s a few determining factors that contributed to my plunge into sewage. First of all, I live in a two bedroom apartment with each room having it’s own bathroom. Because it’s my bathroom I constantly leave the seat up because I’m an adult fully capable of putting it down if I need to switch gears. Secondly, and more importantly, when you turn the light on in my bathroom the fan automatically goes on. This fan was brandished in Hell. It sounds like a constant Lloyd Christmas’ “want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?” The noise is so loud that it takes Tik Tok out of the equation when I’m in it for the long haul. Lastly, when no ones home I shit with the door open and the light off so I can scroll through videos from the comfort of my own toilet. 

Yesterday, I almost let a fart get the best of me and hurried to my bathroom. Knowing that no one was home I didn’t bother to turn the light on, but, I also didn’t bother to check if the seat was down. It was too dark, I just assumed. But it was too late. 

To say I looked terrible would be an insult to the word “terrible”. I didn’t know what hit me. My own ass betrayed me. There was no athletic way for a man of my size to get out of the toilet bowl. It was a horror movie. Have you ever been embarrassed by yourself? Nobody saw me at the bottom of a toilet seat. No one saw me at rock bottom. But I was just as ashamed as if it had been televised. 

So I’m more cautious now. Sympathy wasn’t enough, I needed empathy. I’ve pivoted to double and triple checking to make sure I put the seat down. There might be some guys upset that I’m willing to give up a little ground on this front. But you weren’t there man, you wouldn’t know.